by Tiffany King
“Do you want to play?” Trisha asked, plopping her feet up on the empty chair beside me.
The red piece slipped from my fingers, rolling toward the edge of the table. “Not right now,” I answered, catching the piece before it could roll off.
Trisha shrugged, jumping up from the table and joining a couple of other patients who were in the middle of a card game. She interjected herself in their conversation like she’d been a part of it from the very beginning. I envied her ease, her natural personality. If not for the stark white bandages around her wrists, I would say she didn’t belong here. She wasn’t like the boy sitting in the corner yelling at a speck on the wall or the girl three rooms down from ours who screamed all night. Sadly, they both showed traits I had myself. I’d done both.
The rec room became busier as visiting hours approached. Trisha came back to my table, chatting about the gossip she had gleaned from her brief time with the other group. I listened with half an ear, keeping my eyes on the door. I couldn’t care less that one of the nurses had gotten fired for getting too friendly with one of the patients or what nurse gave out extra meds if you slipped her some extra cash.
I wiped my hands on my pants, wishing they’d stop sweating so much. I was being ridiculous. It wasn’t like Mom and Jacob were going to bite me or anything. Dr. Marshall reassured me they were dying to see me. I’d argued that they didn’t even know me, but she countered with the suggestion that this could be a new beginning for our family. As the minutes ticked by, I almost lost my nerve, thinking another time would be better.
Before I could make my move to leave they walked through the door. Mom’s arms were around me instantly. “Sweetie, I’ve been so worried. Dr. Marshall told us you were doing better, but I wouldn’t believe her until I saw you with my own eyes. She was right though. You look amazing. Healthy.” She paused in her gushing, releasing me so Jacob could give me a hug.
“Hey, sis,” he said, giving me a tentative hug like he was afraid I was going to break. “You look good.”
Their words were kind, but I knew what they were thinking. Crazy. We all knew it. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t true.
“Why don’t we go for a walk around the pond,” Mom suggested as the noise level in the room rose.
“Okay,” I agreed. I was ready to escape the crowds anyway.
The sun was shining bright as we stepped outside. Summer was just around the corner, but the humidity made it feel like it was already here. I didn’t care. I loved being outdoors, spending the majority of my time there when I wasn’t in my therapy sessions. The facility was fenced in, but well hidden behind trees and shrubbery that provided privacy from the outside world.
“How are you doing?” Mom asked, reaching for my hand.
My favorite question. I weighed my words, searching for the right answer. The question was simple, but required an answer that was heavy and cumbersome. How did I convey how I was feeling when it all felt so complex? “Better,” I finally answered. Better was a safe word. In truth, it was the most appropriate word. I did feel better. At times I was terrified at the complexities of my mind and what it was capable of. Other times I felt huge waves of relief that my mind had gotten me to where I was now. Dr. Marshall said it made me strong. It gave me the will to survive.
“I’m so glad, sweetie. Are they treating you okay?”
I nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked as we looped the pond.
They didn’t have to ask what I meant. The time to treat me like I was too fragile to handle the truth had passed.
“We should have. Dr. Marshall wanted me to admit you as soon as we realized your condition was persisting. I was the one who wanted to give you a chance to adjust at home. I hoped it would get better.”
“Persisting? Is that a nice way of saying still off her rocker? I was talking to people who weren’t even real. You guys just thought it would go away?”
My words were harsh, but Dr. Marshall had encouraged me to speak my mind. I kept my tone even so they would at least know I didn’t blame them. They were in a tough position. I realized that. All my anger had been hashed out in therapy along with my embarrassment. I did feel bad for Jacob though. He was forced to endure all the repercussions of my fallout at school. I wondered if that had something to do with his uncharacteristic silence.
“I’m sorry about the whole school thing,” I told him as we looped the pond a second time.
He shot me an incredulous look. I stopped mid-step, waiting for him to lower the boom. I wouldn’t blame him. I had completely disrupted his life. “You’re apologizing to me. Why don’t you kick me next?”
I studied him in confusion. Aggravation I expected, but this was something else. This was self-loathing. “What? I am sorry. I wouldn’t blame you for hating me. I left a mess behind for you to clean up.”
Mom opened her mouth to interject, but Jacob held up a hand to stop her. “No, Mom, I stayed quiet long enough. All of you insisted you knew what was best for Mia, but I tried to tell you guys you were pushing her too hard. Asking too much from her.” Jacob’s voice shook slightly. “Mia, you think I’m mad at you? I’m not mad at you. I’m pissed at everyone else. We pushed you until you broke. I could see it happening and I did nothing to protect you. I failed you again.” His voice broke and I was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
It was unsettling to see my big, strapping brother crying. He was too tough for tears, too emotionally stable for them. “Jacob, you didn’t fail me ever.”
He shook his head vehemently. “I did fail you. I told you I was going inside to get us Popsicles and I never came back. I went up to my room to play with my cars. I was sick of playing house with you and your dumb doll.”
My mouth dropped open over his admission. I had completely forgotten he was outside with me that day. That little stink had promised me a cherry Popsicle. When he didn’t come right back out I thought about going in and hunting him down to demand my frozen treat, but I was having too much fun playing with Daisy.
A giggle escaped my lips before I could hold it back. Mom and Jacob exchanged looks, but again I giggled. They were sure to think I was off my rocker again and needed another dose of meds.
I clapped a hand over my mouth. This was not the time for laughter. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh,” I said as another giggle escaped me. “It’s just that I was so mad that day thinking you ate my Popsicle. I was going to come in and yell at you, but I was having too much fun outside. It wasn’t your fault I was taken. It’s no one’s fault,” I said, including Mom in my statement. “I always played in our front yard. I should have been safe. Little kids aren’t supposed to be taken from the front of their house. It’s no one’s fault,” I repeated. “Judy stole my childhood, but I won’t let her steal the rest of my life.” A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Dr. Marshall had been trying to get me to this point for a long time. It was all about acceptance and moving on. No more hiding from the truth.
My words lifted the invisible wall Jacob had erected between us. He pulled me in for a bone-crushing hug that threatened to cut off my air supply. This was real.
We spent the next few hours talking about all the taboo subjects we had avoided before. At times Mom cried, other times I cried. Dr. Marshall would have considered it a therapeutic session. It felt good.
When we returned I was shocked to find another visitor waiting to see me. He stood off to the side of the room looking extremely uncomfortable to be surrounded by patients. Jacob and I exchanged a look when we saw him. Mom didn’t look surprised though. “Did you know he was going to be here?” I asked, standing in the doorway.
“He called earlier this week and asked about visiting hours. He wanted to come see you.”
Jacob snorted with derision.
“Despite his faults, he’s still your father,” she chastised Jacob.
“Could have fooled me,” he said, giving me a hug. “I’ll see you next week, Mia.” He turned on his heel and left.
&nbs
p; Mom sighed but didn’t call after him. “I know you’re mad at your father, but give him a chance, okay?” she said as Dad approached. He looked as unsure as I felt.
“Mad at him? I don’t even know him.”
He flinched at my words.
“Blake,” Mom greeted him.
“Tracey,” he said.
“Mia, I’ll see you next week,” Mom said as she hugged me tightly. I clung to her for a moment. I’d missed her more than I realized was possible these past few weeks. I needed her to know that.
Mom squeezed me one last time before leaving. Dad and I watched her go. An awkward silence swelled between us. He hadn’t bothered to see me when I was at home, so what could he have to say now? I shifted my weight, glancing around the room, and spotted Trisha in the corner with her family. Her body language suggested that she was aggravated. Obviously I wasn’t the only one with family issues. We would have to catch up later.
“Mia, do you want to sit?” Dad finally asked, breaking the silence. I pulled my gaze from Trisha. “I thought we should talk.”
I shrugged but followed him to the far side of the room where it was quieter. We sat in the two solitary wing chairs in the corner although the silence once again swelled between us. I scratched at the thin skin of my wrist, waiting for him to speak. My aggravation began to grow. Why was he even here?
“You wanted to talk?” I finally asked sarcastically, anxious for this meeting to be over.
“Your doctor contacted me and suggested it.” He raked a hand through his hair.
So, unless my doctor hadn’t called him he wouldn’t have come. Great. This was a staged performance. “And,” I said, my frustration boiling over.
“Look, Mia. I’m not perfect. I know I’ve made mistakes.”
I snorted much like Jacob had earlier. What Dad said was an understatement. Not because of his absence in my life, but because of his absence in Jacob’s life. He left Mom and Jacob when they needed him most. That was fucked up. Anger filled me as the thoughts took hold.
“You’re an asshole,” I blurted out.
“What did you say?” he asked, recoiling at my words.
“You’re an asshole,” I shouted, gaining the attention of most of the other occupants in the room.
“Mia,” he started.
I held up my hand, stopping him mid-sentence. “Why are you even here? You stopped coming to see me when I was in the hospital and you sure as hell weren’t there when Jacob and Mom needed you.”
“I’m here because your doctor thinks it’s vital to your recovery. I want you to get better. I need you to get better.”
“You need me to get better?” I laughed with derision. “Is that why you stopped visiting me in the hospital? You knew I was broken? You knew that something was wrong with me and you wanted no part of that.” He really was an asshole. He left Mom when she fell apart after I was taken. He abandoned his son, leaving him to grow up without a father, and even when we had been given a second chance, he ran again.
He avoided my eyes and I knew I had hit the nail on the head. “Do you wish I had never been found?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Mia. I’m not the monster here. Of course I’m happy you were found. I just wasn’t prepared to deal with the aftermath. The constant onslaught of attention. Your picture splashed across every media outlet. That criminal and all her abuse made public knowledge for everyone to see. You inventing people who don’t exist. It was too much.”
I flinched at his words. “You think you were the only one who felt the pressure? Some of us weren’t given the luxury of bailing though.”
“I told you, I’m not perfect. I like structure. I thrive on routine and normalcy. Our lives have been in a constant upheaval for the last ten years.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sorry I got kidnapped,” I said. My voice dripped with sarcasm.
“So am I.”
We slumped back in our seats, both having had our say. In a way I had my answers. During our sessions Dr. Marshall kept insisting that I was strong. I wondered what her opinion of my dad would be. As far as I was concerned he was weak. He bailed when things got rough. He let all of us down. That was his cross to bear. Not mine.
35
“I’M GOING to miss you,” Trisha said sadly as I zipped my suitcase.
I lugged the heavy bag off my bed and gave her an impulsive hug. “I’m going to miss you too, but you’ll be out in a couple of weeks. And this time you’re going to call me if the voices won’t shut up,” I said, looking down at the angry scars on her wrists.
“Promise we’ll be friends once we leave these walls,” she pleaded.
“I promise. Besides, you’re the only friend I haven’t made up,” I teased, giving her another squeeze.
She giggled. “That’s true, but what if you decide to replace me with someone better in your head?”
I gave her a nudge with my shoulder. “Bite your tongue.”
“It’s okay, you know? We can’t help that our brains work on a different frequency,” she said, parroting something Jill, our group leader, had said.
I snorted. “Jill would be so proud of you,” I said, ignoring her statement. It was a Brookville motto to accept that we were different. I accepted my mind, but would do everything in my power not to relapse. I wanted to live in the real world, not the one I had built in my head. “Call me as soon as you get home,” I instructed her for what felt like the millionth time.
Her lower lip trembled and I knew tears were close. “I love you, kid,” I teased, pulling the handle of my suitcase up and wheeling it out of the room before she could flood the room we’d shared for the last six weeks.
I waved to a couple of my friends as I wheeled my suitcase past the rec room. With Trisha as a roommate it became impossible to keep everyone at arm’s length. Before I knew it, I was being included in everything. I could now tell you which nurse carried a flask and which doctor got caught with his pants down. Literally. I would miss this place.
“Ready?” Mom asked, meeting me in the reception area. “I already filled out all your discharge papers.”
“I’m ready,” I said, gripping the handle of my suitcase tightly. A small bubble of fear lodged in my gut as I stepped outside and away from the building. I was ready for this. Even if everyone wasn’t telling me I was ready, I would still know it was time.
“Where’s Jacob?” I asked as I buckled my seat belt.
“He had to work so he’s meeting us at home,” Mom answered, starting the car. With that, we pulled away from Brookville. I didn’t turn around for a second glance. Looking back wasn’t necessary.
“Does he like his new job?” I asked.
Mom laughed. “He likes the money he’s earning.”
I nodded. Maybe I would get a summer job too. Something to keep me occupied before I started classes in the fall. Thanks to Dr. Marshall’s help, I had taken the appropriate exit exams from high school and would be starting classes at the community college in the fall. Mom told me that Dewy High had been more than willing to help make it happen. No surprise there. I bet my meltdown in the cafeteria would be the talk of the school for years. They wouldn’t get a gripe from me. I’d had enough high school experience to last me a lifetime.
Jacob and Kevin were waiting with two pizzas when we got home. As soon as I walked in the door, Jacob stood up and slung an arm around my shoulder.
“Hey, Mia,” Kevin greeted me, standing up and giving me a hug. I blushed slightly as my arms wove around his waist. I wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting. Jacob told me on our last visit that Kevin had been asking about me. I figured he was just being nice, but the hug felt genuine.
“Hey, Kevin,” I returned. It had been almost three months since I’d last seen him and the feelings that had just begun to form now sprung into high gear. It was silly. He was Jacob’s friend and I was Jacob’s sister, but the look he gave me didn’t make me feel that way at all.
“Let’s eat,” Jacob said, saving me from my embar
rassment.
Kevin winked at me, sending a warm feeling spreading through my body. It was good to be home.
Dinner bled into a game of cards and then Monopoly. Laughter and teasing filled the room with happiness. It all felt so very normal and right. For the first time in years, I felt in control. I was going to be okay. My family was going to be okay. We’d lived through the unthinkable and were stronger for it. My brain may have fault lines, but with Dr. Marshall’s help those fault lines were now invisible from sight.
Kevin gave me another hug before he left, which earned him a razzing from Jacob, asking for a kiss for himself. Kevin responded by giving him a sock in the arm. I climbed the steps to my room, happier than I could remember. Nothing could take this feeling away from me.
I made a beeline for the bathroom so I could brush my teeth. Peering into the mirror, I was surprised to see that my eyes were bright and shiny. They looked as happy as I felt. Practically skipping to my bedroom to dress for bed, I switched on my television for some background noise as I dressed. The weatherman giving the seven-day forecast sounded a little too enthusiastic about the record high temperatures. His chipper tone would have given Trisha a run for her money. I climbed up on my bed with the remote to find a sitcom I could watch before I went to sleep.
Before I could change the station though, a familiar face filled the screen just as I was settling against my pillows.
I sat up abruptly and scooted to the edge of my bed. I hadn’t seen Judy in almost six months, but she looked exactly as I remembered. Without giving conscious thought to it, I turned the volume up. I hadn’t realized her court case was coming up. No one had mentioned it. Between Dr. Marshall and Mom and Jacob, I had been kept inside a cocoon of protection. I understood their reasoning for shielding me, but Judy was a part of my past that will never be forgotten. Seeing her face on the screen sapped away all the contentment from the day in one gigantic rush. I picked up my pillow and hugged it against my chest as the newscaster talked about the impending case. Though I should have been expecting it, I was surprised when my picture flashed across the screen, making me flinch.