by Ines Saint
Jamie shook her head as if the action could keep her from crying. But tears flowed anyway. “I told him a week later, and he flung so many insults at me that I left that night, stayed at a hotel with the kids.” Jamie paused and swallowed. “Three days later, he was gone.” Nick’s arm circled her shoulder.
“Everyone’s world just — ” She sighed. There wasn’t a word for it. The boys didn’t understand why their father wasn’t coming home, her in-laws were devastated, and her family suffered because she and the boys suffered. “This guilt hung over me for the longest time, because I thought maybe I’d triggered it, even when the doctors explained why it happened.
“And then on the day of the funeral, this woman lawyer from his firm wanted to speak to me afterward. She and I had become friendly after meeting one day in the park, and I thought she wanted to offer deeper condolences. I was putting something away in my car … and she came up behind me.” Jamie swallowed and wrung her hands. “She said that Scott had told her I had found out about their affair, and she wanted me to know, for my own comfort, that he had put an end to it. You should’ve seen her, she was crying, had the nerve to grieve in front of me. And my whole family was right behind her. They’d come up to the parking lot in one large group, and they heard every last word. Even some of my aunts and uncles from New York.” Jamie shook her head, remembering that final, humiliating moment.
“So many things began making sense, like how uncomfortable Scott had seemed when our kids had played together that day in the park. But she’d been so friendly … We even exchanged numbers, right in front of Scott, and she called me for another play date sometime after. But then, I also noticed she’d look at me with this triumphant smirk when I accompanied Scott to parties. His secretary covered for him, too. I confronted her a few weeks later, found out everyone knew except me.” Jamie stopped, and moved away from Nick.
Nick leaned against the wall, gently tugged her to him, and folded her in his arms. He didn’t say a thing. He just kissed her hair and smoothed his hands over her arms. Jamie closed her eyes, exhausted.
• • •
Nick had never felt this helpless. He wanted to hold Jamie until her pain melted away. But there were things people had to get through on their own, and she wasn’t there yet.
To say he was stunned was an understatement. The thought that she hadn’t been happy in her marriage had never occurred to him. Though he had noticed some things were kind of off, she spoke about him as a good father, and he just assumed he’d been a good husband. And the extent of her unhappiness and everything she’d been holding in was overwhelming.
Jamie was quiet and still for such a long time, that he thought she might have fallen asleep. He leaned his head against the window and wondered how he was ever going to let her go. But she shifted in his arms, and looked at him.
“Nick, I never want to go through anything like that again. Ever. I don’t want to stop living in the moment and not fully appreciate my time with Michael and Timmy because I’m emotionally tied up in someone else.”
Nick could understand where she was coming from, and he didn’t know what to say. He tried hard not to judge Scott because Jamie was right. Scott was never given the chance to redeem himself. But he’d met a few people like that in his life. Narcissistic and controlling, assuming it was everyone’s job to submit to their needs and whims. He couldn’t help but feel angry at someone who was gone.
Jamie moved out of his embrace. “I’ve got to go, Nick.”
“Stay, Jamie. The roads are slippery and you shouldn’t be driving.”
She shook her head. “It’s a five-minute drive, and I’ll be careful. I’ll even call when I get there, but I really do have to go.”
Nick stood up and took her hands in his.
“What do you want from me, Nick? You know I can’t do this. I’m just now getting back to feeling like me again.”
Nick considered his words carefully. Jamie had shown him she loved him, too, in so many ways tonight. “You just let me in, Jamie, and though I understand you better than before, I feel I’ve known you, who you really are, for quite a while. All I want is for you to try to see past your fears. With time, I think you’d see that you know me, too, and that you already trust me with you and with Michael and Timmy.”
“You’re wrong. How can I trust you? One moment you say you don’t want kids and you’re dying to get away from it all … ” Her voice trailed. “It’s people who change from one moment to the next that you can’t trust, Nick.”
Nick sighed. “It wasn’t about not wanting kids or about running away from my responsibilities for a year. Tonight with your family … I never had that. You and I can have that. I know it now. And you know the truth about me, about the father I am and the man I’ve always been. Things wouldn’t have gotten this far if you didn’t.”
“I hate that things have gotten this far, okay? Even if this were just about me, I wouldn’t have it in me to try again. I don’t even have it in me to see you every day, Nick. You know I’ve been looking forward to you going away.”
Nick breathed in. “If being around me causes you pain, then I’ll leave. For you, I’ll put distance between us. But … you’re stronger than you think, Jamie. You were strong enough to give your marriage your all, and you were strong enough to walk away when you figured out it would never work.”
She hugged him before leaving, and he held her tight. “This is where I want to be, Jamie. One call, one e-mail, and wherever I am, I’ll come home to you.”
Chapter Sixteen
The morning before Christmas Day, Jamie and the kids found three presents on the front porch, right before Joseph and Cindy arrived. Michael received a set of plastic, miniature rockets, Timmy got a musical water globe with Santa’s village inside, and Jamie got a beautiful, white cashmere scarf. There was a note wishing them a Merry Christmas from Nick and Emma.
They’d barely had time to open the gifts and read the card when they heard a knock on the door. The boys were so excited to see their grandparents that Jamie was able to quickly put the presents away.
The day was pleasant; it seemed as if not even Joseph could put a damper on the day before Christmas. That evening, they drove around town and her in-laws were delighted with the huge, heavily decorated tree in the middle of the square, and the all-out decorations. Joseph even went as far as commenting that it seemed like an okay place to grow up.
On Christmas morning, Timmy and Michael woke up at five A.M., and Jamie’s heart soared, watching them excitedly open their presents. They were delighted with everything, from the toys they had asked for in their carefully detailed letters, to the things they hadn’t even known they wanted.
The familiar sorrow that their father wasn’t there to enjoy the moment filled her, but she couldn’t let the feeling linger; and it was almost impossible not to be full of joy when watching children on a Christmas morning.
The thought of Nick and Emma enjoying the kids’ scene crept in at a certain point, but she pushed the thought away.
The boys were barely able to sit still during breakfast, both itching to play the day away with their new toys. Joseph left with them, and Jamie helped Cindy clear the table until the phone rang.
“Jamie! First, Merry Christmas, honey! Second … I’ve got some good news!”
“What’s up?” Jamie smiled when she heard her sister-in-law’s voice rambling over the phone.
“Well, BU’s coach called Justin to ask if he’d face off at an exhibition game with the entire BU team behind him — he’s really excited that they thought of him.”
“Great, I can just imagine how obnoxious he’s acting. And why would they ask Justin to face off? He graduated fifteen years ago.”
“They’re doing this whole ‘legends past’ sports series down in Boston, for charity, and Jim Reilly’s wife is the event planner. He’s goi
ng to face off against someone who used to play for BC. Will you come? It’s for youth centers in high-risk neighborhoods.”
“You know I wouldn’t miss it. How much, where, and when?”
“It’s seventy-five dollars — remember, it’s for a good cause — and it’s at Agganis Arena in two days, and your parents are coming too.”
Jamie did the math. Spending two hundred and twenty-five dollars on tickets for her and her boys only to have them not sit still for the entire game was not tempting or practical.
“Liz, hold on a moment, okay?” Jamie covered the receiver with her hand.
“Cindy, do you have anything planned for the twenty-ninth?”
“No, no plans.”
“Do you mind if I leave the boys with you that day? Justin’s got this big game down in Boston, and I can’t take them with me.”
Cindy’s eyes lit up. “We’d love to watch them.”
“Liz?” Jamie spoke back into the receiver. “Tell Justin I’ll be there, okay?”
She hung up and a moment later, Michael burst out of the family room, down the hallway into his room and then ran back out, wind at his feet. Her face fell as soon as she saw what Michael retrieved. He had found the NASA play set.
Joseph said, “Nice rockets,” and Michael replied, “I’m a NASA scientist.”
“Santa Claus left it for him at Nick’s house, and Nick left it on our porch,” Timmy volunteered.
“Nick? Is this the same Nick who runs the school?” It was obvious Joseph knew the answer.
“Uh-huh,” Timmy answered as he rearranged his village.
“So this Nick goes around and leaves toys for every child at school on their doorsteps,” he continued, but Jamie refused to answer or give any indication of catching his tone.
“I think Santa only left toys for the kids Nick is friends with — I think.” Michael cocked his head to the side.
“Are you friends with Nick, or is your mom friends with Nick?” Joseph took his eyes away from Jamie and focused on Michael.
“Joseph, if you’re going any farther with this, you will be talking to me and not the boys.” Jamie tried to keep her tone light for the kids’ sake, but there was no mistaking the look in her eyes.
“If you can be friends with this Nick in front of my grandchildren, then we can discuss your friendship in front of them, too. They probably already know more than — ”
“Stop,” Jamie said forcefully.
Joseph was about to say something else, but apparently thought better of it. “Can I see you in the kitchen?” he instead requested. The boys had by now completely forgotten about their game and were watching the unfolding drama.
Jamie clenched her fists, nodded, and made her way toward the kitchen.
“Just stay here and play, guys, we’ll be right back. Grandpa just wants to learn a little more about our lives in Autumn Falls,” she called back.
“What is it?” Jamie faced Joseph across the counter.
“I don’t want to get into an argument with you, I’m just going to ask you point blank if you’re seeing this Nick in a romantic sense, and I would appreciate a straight answer because I don’t see a reason for you to hide something like that from us.” Jamie took a long look at Joseph and realized he wasn’t wearing his usual scowl. He looked anxious and years older than he really was.
She remained silent, knowing there wasn’t a right answer.
“I’ll take your silence to mean yes.”
“Look, Joseph, I’m trying hard to think about this from your point of view. I know how much you love Timmy and Michael, and I know you’re worried about the people I let into their lives. But I don’t agree with the way you go about things. Like, interrogating me in front of the children and treating me as if only the answers you want to hear are acceptable. And I won’t tolerate your disrespect no matter how much you love your grandchildren because it isn’t good for them to hear it. It doesn’t set a good example.” Jamie paused and made sure to keep any anger or resentment out of her voice. “The truth is, we have spent time with Nick because he is a great guy and a great friend. He is wonderful with the kids, and they really like him and his daughter.”
Joseph was silent, and Jamie’s eyes drifted toward the living room, to the portrait hanging above the fireplace mantle. It was like they were having the discussion in front of Scott.
“If you become involved with someone while the twins are still under your roof, they’ll suffer for it. Whoever it may be will demand time from you that you’ll have to take away from them. He will eventually resent the twins and consider them a burden, whether he lets it show or not. God knows how he’ll treat the boys when you’re not around. Michael and Timmy will feel it, they’ll know it — kids have a way on picking up on these things. And they will never say anything because they won’t want you to be unhappy,” Joseph finished.
He had voiced all of Jamie’s old fears out loud. And it was at that moment, as Joseph spoke his own mind, that Jamie understood her own.
Above the tension, there was an inner voice telling her Nick wasn’t like that at all.
“I don’t doubt your words describe some, maybe many — I have no idea. But it doesn’t describe Nick.” She paused, searching for words. “That doesn’t mean I want to be involved with him, but I can’t let you lump him into this awful category of selfish men.”
Joseph eyed Jamie a long moment.
“I think we’ve both said what we need to say, Joseph — I’ll only add that I really appreciate how much you and Cindy love the boys, and if anything happens in my life that will have an impact on theirs, I will let you know — whether we agree on it or not.” And with that, she left, not waiting for his response or reaction.
By the time her in-laws left that evening, Jamie was battling a serious headache. Her parents were coming by soon to wish them happy holidays and to bring Michael and Timmy their presents, and Jamie couldn’t wait. The boys were now arguing over an old and truly crappy toy xylophone. She stifled a sigh. So many toys they’d gotten for Christmas, and yet they both chose to go ape over an old thing they hadn’t noticed since they were two.
She was relieved she had agreed to meet up with Charlene, Alex, and Mrs. Kirkpatrick at Chuck E. Cheese’s the day after Christmas for a play date. They needed a distraction, and she needed friends. It was difficult for her to admit it because part of her still wondered if it was foolish to let people into her life again, but the four of them had become friends at some point, and Jamie really loved their company.
The next day, she quietly sat and listened to her friends talk about everything and anything at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
“Maple Sugar Café,” Alex declared.
“I love it!” Charlene’s dimples were more apparent since she’d put on some weight. She looked adorable.
“Maple Sugar Café.” Jamie tried it out and nodded happily.
“I like it.” Mrs. Kirkpatrick smiled.
Alex discussed his plans for a few minutes, his friends delighted to listen.
“So what’s up with you, Jamie?” Charlene turned to her.
“I’m just happy to sit here, be Jamie, and listen to you guys for a while.”
“Be Jamie? Do you have another personality we’re not aware of?” Alex raised an eyebrow.
“I just had a visit from my in-laws, and with them I feel like I’m just Scott’s widow and Michael and Timmy’s mom, you know? So, right now, sitting here with three friends, I feel more like an individual.”
“I think you need to get out more, honey. You work at home, you take care of your kids at home … ” Mrs. Kirkpatrick reached across and played with the charms on Jamie’s bracelet. She then changed her tone of voice, avoided Jamie’s eyes, and switched to playing with a napkin on the table. “I remember Nick was the same way, but at least he
would go on dates once in a while. Maybe that’s what you need — a date.”
Heat crept up Jamie’s neck at the mention of Nick and a few details of their last time together popped into her mind. She looked at a giant statue of Chuck E. Cheese to kill her lustful thoughts. No offense to Chuck, but he was the unsexiest male she’d ever seen.
When she looked back at her friends, they were exchanging amused glances. “What?” Jamie asked.
“Okay Jamie, here it is, I’m just gonna lay it all out for you. We know, okay? We know you’re totally into Nick. And Alex here has reason to believe he’s all into you, too.” Charlene dropped her hands on the table and everyone jumped a little.
Jamie quickly looked around to see where the kids were before looking at the tables around them to see if she knew anyone there. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she whispered, panicked.
“You don’t know what I’m talkin’ about?” Charlene repeated as Alex took a sip of his Coke and watched them with wide eyes.
“I’m — I’m — I’m flabbergasted!”
“You’re flabbergasted.” Charlene leaned back and crossed her arms.
“Oh, good lord.” Mrs. Kirkpatrick nodded. “Now, why would you be flabbergasted, Jamie? We’re your friends, and we see the way you act when he’s around, and how you avoid looking at him, and nobody avoids looking at Nick, dear. Not even me, and I’m seventy-one.”
“I’m married, and I take a good look whenever I can,” Charlene said and looked at Alex for confirmation.
“Don’t look at me — I don’t look at him.” Alex raised his hands.
Charlene frowned at him.
“Okay, so maybe there’s some bicep-envy now and then.”
Jamie sank down into her side of the booth and moped. Thankfully, Michael and Jason came by to ask for more tokens, and the conversation was momentarily interrupted.
“Well?” Alex asked as soon as the boys were out of earshot.
Jamie breathed in and breathed out and tried to tamp down her anxiety. “Something happened, okay? But I don’t know what to do because … I’m just so afraid of dragging me and my kids into something we might regret later.” Jamie looked at her friends, not sure if she should go on. But the faces staring back at her were all understanding and encouraging. She took a deep breath, convinced they just wanted to see her happy.