He let out a heavy sigh. He might never be free of her. Even if he did have her move to another townhouse, he was afraid it wouldn’t be enough. He could even go to another country, but a part of him would always want her.
Regardless of what he did, she would be a part of his life. They were married. No matter where he went, nothing would change that. Wouldn’t it be better to give this marriage a chance than to keep holding onto his wounded pride? So far, that tactic hadn’t made him happy.
If you continue down this path, you will always be miserable.
The footman returned to the entryway. “Lord Northton is in the library. Would you like me to escort you there?”
“No. I know the way.” Roger stood up and traveled down the familiar passageway that led to his friend’s favorite room.
When he arrived at the library, the butler was putting a tray with a small pot and two cups on the table next to Aaron. Aaron was reclining in a chair with a book open on his lap.
“If you prefer brandy, it’s over there,” Aaron told Roger. “I’m having hot chocolate tonight. If you want the same, I’ll pour it for you.”
“I’ll have the same as you.” The last thing Roger needed was alcohol. He waited until the butler closed the door on his way out before saying, “Lilly came to my bedchamber tonight.”
Aaron’s eyes widened in interest. “She did?”
Roger took the cup Aaron handed him and set it on the arm of his chair. “She claimed to be sorry for everything she ever did to hurt me. She wants to give the marriage a chance to be a real one.”
“Did you try for a child before coming over here?”
“No. I just told her there was no changing the past, and she left.”
“I’m going to need a son. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to spend time in bed with my wife when I get one in order to make that happen. You have a freedom I envy. You don’t have to spend a single moment with your wife. You can just order her to leave and be done with it.”
“You could let your title pass to your cousin.”
Aaron grimaced. “That drunkard? He’ll bankrupt the family estate. I can’t allow that to happen.”
Roger couldn’t deny that Aaron made a good argument, so he settled for drinking his hot chocolate instead of replying.
Aaron tapped the handle on his cup with his thumb. “I suppose I could send my wife off to another townhouse once I make sure she has my son. I can do the same as my father did with me. I could focus on raising my son while my wife takes her lovers.”
“Is that why your mother didn’t live in the same townhouse with you and your father?”
“Why would he want them sneaking into his own townhouse, or why would he want to take care of the brats she ended up having with other gentlemen?” Aaron shook his head in disgust.
“I didn’t know this.”
“It’s not something I like to talk about. The last I heard, she was in Ireland, and that was when I was nine.”
“And the illegitimate children went with her?”
“They were too young to stay in London.”
It was no wonder Aaron had a bitter view of marriage. Roger had just assumed Aaron hated the burden of carrying the title around. He knew that Lord Edon often bemoaned the responsibility titled gentlemen had to contend with. In Lord Edon’s case, however, his mother was a good lady who was mindful of her behavior, whether or not she was in public.
“I don’t know why, but I thought your mother had died while you were a child,” Roger said. “Word never got out about her actions.”
“My father was favored by the Ton, and people did everything they could to protect him from scandal,” Aaron replied.
“Considering what your mother did, it doesn’t make Lilly’s actions seem so terrible. All she did was go up to me at a ball and kiss me. She didn’t mean to fall on top of me. That happened because I fell back.”
“It’s true the scandal didn’t hurt you, but it’s best to toss her out before she does something that does hurt your reputation. You don’t have the influence my father did.”
“I can’t imagine Lilly taking lovers.”
Aaron snorted. “Why not?”
“Because I saw the way she acted when she caught me without all of my clothes on.”
She hadn’t had time to think about her reaction. She’d turned away from him out of instinct. He might not have had experience with ladies in a personal manner, but he didn’t need to know much in order to realize Lilly was a virgin. And it wasn’t like she hadn’t had a chance to be with someone. He’d seen all of the gentlemen vying for her attention, and some of those wouldn’t have hesitated to take her to bed. But she’d chosen to keep herself pure for her husband.
Yes, she had rejected his proposal when he offered it, but didn’t he, in turn, also reject her when she said she’d changed her mind and wished to marry him? She could have sought out someone else, but she hadn’t. Granted, the scandal wasn’t ideal, but maybe she’d done it because she was scared he’d find someone else and she didn’t want to lose him.
“What if Lilly is telling me the truth about wishing she’d never said no to my proposal?” Roger asked after a long moment of silence passed between them. “What if she saw how terrible Lord Hedwrett was and it made her realize she wanted to be with me?”
Aaron rolled his eyes. “I doubt it. I think she’s trying to save her reputation. If you forgive her, she’ll be able to talk you into going out in public with her. If you do that, then others might forgive her for kissing you so brazenly at the ball. Then the gossip will stop.”
“The gossip will stop sooner or later. No one stays on the same topic forever. They like to discuss the next scandal. It’s why Lord Edon keeps doing more elaborate scandals. It keeps the focus on him.”
And for all Roger knew, Lord Edon might have benefited if people discovered he’d snuck Lilly into White’s the way he had. Roger frowned. If Lilly was Mr. Squire, did that mean the Duke of Marrow was one of her friends?
“I suppose it doesn’t matter what you do with Lilly since you’re married to her,” Aaron said. “If it was me, I’d send her away, but you’re not me.”
No, he wasn’t. Unlike Aaron, Roger had been fortunate to have had a mother who loved him and his father. He thought back to all the times she’d stayed up late making clothes for other people so that his father could pursue the dream he’d had of opening a bakery. His father had the hardest time finding someone to invest in his idea since there were already bakeries available, but she encouraged him to keep trying because she’d said no one baked bread and pastries as well as he did.
In time, her father was able to find an investor, and the business yielded the money that made Roger comfortable today. Roger wasn’t a baker, nor did he have the desire to learn the business. His interest was in investing. He ended up selling the business with his father’s recipes when his father died.
Lilly might not have done something like make clothes to help him keep a roof over their heads, but she’d been willing to go into White’s and risk further damaging her reputation. At the time, he hadn’t thought anything about a younger gentleman asking him about positive attributes ladies possessed. He figured someone that young would be mindful of the kind of lady he would marry.
Now that he knew Lilly had been asking him about those questions, the discussion during the chess game took on an entirely different meaning. After the game, Lilly had excused herself and left with her friend. He remembered that Lord Edon and Mr. Robinson had offered to go with them, but they’d encouraged them to stay at White’s. So the only reason Lilly had gone through all of that trouble was to see if there was anything she could do to get back into his good graces, and she’d summed up that the best way to do so was by being honest with him.
Which meant she hadn’t been trying to control him tonight. And if she wasn’t trying to control him, it meant she did care for him. She really had seen the error of her ways and wanted to make things right.
He set his
glass down. “I need to talk to Lilly.”
Aaron’s eyebrow rose in a way that told Roger he wasn’t sure he was making the right decision, but he said, “I wish you luck.”
Roger nodded his thanks then headed out of the townhouse.
Chapter Fifteen
Lilly wiped another tear with the back of her hand before she placed a couple more gowns into her trunk. Sure, she could have had someone do the packing for her, but she didn’t feel up to talking to anyone right now. She wasn’t in any condition for it. She was crying too much, and no matter how hard she struggled to get her emotions under control, the blasted tears just kept coming.
She wiped another tear, and when she felt a few more spring up in her eyes, she groaned and went over to her vanity to grab a handkerchief. She had no one to blame for this but herself. From the moment she met Roger, she’d taken him for granted. She’d just assumed all gentlemen were as honorable and sweet as him, but after Lord Hedwrett, her eyes had been opened to how things really were. Finding someone worth marrying was not an easy prospect. It was then she understood why love matches were so difficult to come by in London.
As much as she’d like to blame someone else for the situation she was currently in, she couldn’t. She was only getting what she deserved. It was unfortunate she’d dragged him into this fate, too. She should have let him marry someone who deserved him. At least then, one of them could’ve been happy.
All she could do at this point was leave this townhouse, and, once the gossip waned in London and it was safe to be in public again, she would refrain from saying anything to him if they happened to cross paths. It wasn’t much, but it was the only thing she could do for him at this point.
Feeling some of her strength return, she went back to the armoire and trunk. She collected a couple more gowns. Her goal was to be out of here before he woke up. That was, of course, if he even came back to this townhouse to sleep. He might stay out all night. She’d heard him slam the door of his bedchamber when he left. He’d been so angry.
Swallowing back more tears, she collected the last of her gowns and laid them on top of the others. She dabbed her cheeks with the handkerchief and then dragged the trunk over to the vanity.
She had just opened the top drawer to grab her combs and brushes when someone opened the door of her bedchamber. She glanced over and saw Roger.
She straightened up and faced him as he stepped into the room. “I’ll be out of here by the time the sun is rising,” she told him. “You don’t have to tell me to leave. I know you don’t want me here. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want anymore.”
He shut the door and leaned against it for a long moment before he asked, “Why did you want to marry me?”
She’d thought he’d come to this room with the intention of ordering her to leave, so his question surprised her. For all she knew, he was going to do that after she answered him, but she owed it to him to answer anyway. “I wanted to marry you because you were the best suitor I had. You sincerely cared about me. I didn’t realize how important that was until it was too late.”
She turned her gaze back to the vanity and blinked her tears away. How she hated her tears! She quickly wiped them with the handkerchief and scooped out a handful of her grooming supplies. She dumped them into the trunk and grabbed more items still left in the drawer.
“So you’re moving out because it’s what I want?” he asked as he stepped over to her.
She nodded. “I’m not comfortable leaving while it’s still dark, but once the sun is out, I’ll instruct the coachman to take me to my parents’ residence.”
She dumped the rest of the drawer’s contents into the trunk. She shut the drawer. She reached for the items on top of the vanity, but he touched her hand to stop her.
Startled, she looked at him.
His hand was gentle as it wrapped around hers. “Why are you leaving?”
What kind of question was that? Surely, he had to know. “You don’t want me here.”
“So?”
“So?”
“Yes. So what if I don’t want you here? What does that matter?”
What was he doing by asking these questions? She pulled her hand out of his and directly faced him. “I make you miserable.”
“And that bothers you?”
“Of course, it bothers me.”
“It didn’t bother you when you came up to me at the ball and kissed me.”
“Well, it bothers me now. I’m sorry I did that. All I was thinking about was what I wanted. I didn’t give you the same consideration you gave me in the past. I wish I could go back and tell myself to let you marry someone else, but I can’t. The only thing I can do is leave so you don’t have to be with me. I’d offer to dissolve the marriage, but we both know how impossible that is since my parents gave their consent to the marriage.”
As she turned back to the vanity, he softly asked, “What if I offered our relationship a second chance?”
Though she was certain she’d misunderstood him, she faced him again. “You’re offering a second chance?”
“Earlier this evening, you said you wanted to make things right. When I asked you how you were going to do that, you didn’t know. What if I said we could put the past behind us and start over?”
“I don’t understand. Why would you do that after all I’ve done?”
“Because I love you, and it’s obvious you love me. Love is doing what you don’t want in order for the other person to be happy. Love is about putting someone else’s needs and wants before your own.” He gestured to the trunk. “That’s what you’re doing right now. You’re showing me that you love me.”
“You still love me?”
“I do.” He reached for her hand again, and this time he drew her closer to him. “The truth is, I never stopped loving you.” With a grin, he added, “And I tried my hardest to stop.”
Relaxing, she leaned into him. “I’m glad you didn’t stop.”
He brought his other hand up to her cheek and stroked it before he brought his lips to hers. The kiss was so gentle that she almost missed it. He kissed her again, and this time, he let his lips linger on hers. Warmth spread through her entire body. It was much better to be kissed by him than it was to go up to him at a ball and kiss him.
When the kiss ended, he whispered, “This moment will mark the beginning of the rest of our lives as husband and wife.”
She was ready to thank him for giving her the opportunity she knew she didn’t deserve, but he brought his mouth back to hers before she could do it.
He wrapped her in his arms, and his tongue brushed her lower lip. It took her a moment to realize what he wanted, and as soon as she did, she opened her mouth to receive him. He brought his tongue into her mouth. This kind of kiss was much more personal. It seemed to connect them more intimately together.
Eager to further explore the connection, she put her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. He responded to her in a way that let her know all was truly forgiven. He was going to put all of her transgressions behind them. He was going to act like those had never happened, and in doing so, she was free to enjoy all of the benefits of being loved by him. And that, more than anything, was what she really wanted. This time, she wasn’t going to take his affection for granted.
He brought his hands to her waist then up until they were right below her breasts. Her flesh warmed in anticipation. She knew he was going to touch them, and yet, a part of her delighted in the fact that he wasn’t rushing the process of making her his wife. He was taking his time. This was their first time together, and it was something to be savored.
She parted from him enough to give him sufficient space so he could touch them. It was a silent invitation, but it was one he picked up on since he cupped the underside of her breasts. Her skin tingled, and she instinctively found herself wiggling against him so that he was holding her more firmly. He let out a low groan and stroked her nipples with the pads of his thumbs. Again, her skin tin
gled. If simply being touched by him like this was making her feel pleasant all over, she couldn’t wait to see how much better being touched without her clothes on would feel.
His mouth left hers and traveled down her neck and then to the skin above her cleavage. She let out a contented sigh and clasped his shoulders. Using his hands to lift her breasts, he lowered his head. He kissed the top of one and then kissed the top of the other.
An unfamiliar ache began to form between her legs, and as he proceeded to kiss her in such a wonderfully intimate way, the ache grew stronger. She wanted more of this. Needed more of this. She tightened her hold on his shoulders as his tongue found one of her nipples and teased it.
“Oh, Roger,” she whispered.
She didn’t know if it was the fact that she said his name or if he was too aroused to keep up with the light foreplay, but he straightened up and helped her out of her gown. She helped him remove her undergarments and her slippers. The cool air in the room swept over her body as he discarded the last of her clothing, but his heated gaze warded off the chill.
He led her over to the bed, pulled back the blankets, picked her up, and gently set her down. He made haste to remove his clothes. Recalling how she’d caught him with only his undergarments on earlier that evening, she had to resist the urge to glance away. She hadn’t seen a gentleman without proper attire on, but Roger was her husband, and better yet, he wanted to be her husband. Why shouldn’t she satisfy her curiosity and see what he looked like naked? He’d taken the time to look at her. She’d noticed the way his gaze had lingered on her bare skin before he took her to this bed.
She returned her attention to him and noted all of him. She noted his broad chest which was covered in hair, and she noted the evidence of his arousal. It took considerable willpower not to look away from it. Seeing it was a very intimate matter, but considering what they were about to do, she reminded herself that it was perfectly acceptable to look at it.
Roger slipped into the bed next to her and cupped the side of her face. “I didn’t think it was possible for you to get any more beautiful, but those clothes you wear don’t allow me to fully appreciate how wonderfully made you are.”
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