Here’s something that all new Moms should know; diapers are manufactured by people who have never used them. The ideal way to change a baby is to have five hands—frankly, it doesn’t work if you don’t. It was my understanding that most Moms develop three extra arms a few months into motherhood, but I wasn’t there yet and I had no one to help. Obviously Jolie had offered, and others too, but I’d wanted to do this myself.
Actually, that was a lie. I’d wanted to do it with Sinjin, to learn about this stuff together, to mess it up together and, with any luck, to be much better than him at it. When there were two of you, that was an option, and however bad I was, I could still be better than him. But with only me, I was just bad.
All I could think about was that this was a moment Sinjin and I would never share, a memory that should have been a joy had turned into a sad one. I started to cry—which, FYI, doesn’t make the changing process any easier. As my tears fell, my little girl looked up at me with what looked like sudden shock. Her tiny face screwed up and she began to cry too. You’ve never heard a baby cry until it’s your own. The noise is always that screeching, piercing siren designed to irritate the listener into activity, but when it’s your own baby, then that sound seems to be attached directly to your heart. It was like a physical tug; I needed to help, to make whatever was bothering her better, nothing else mattered. Biology is a genius, but it’s also very cruel.
“Don’t cry, please don’t cry. Look, Mommy’s not crying either.”
But Mommy was crying because here was another thing Sinjin was missing. All these firsts, all these never to be repeated moments. But none of it mattered if I could guarantee getting him back, even if it was just to tell him I loved him. Even if he didn’t say it back to me.
Talk about Sinjin, I thought to myself. Tell your little girl all about her dad. Maybe it will make you feel better. I nodded and dried away my tears.
“Let me tell you about your daddy.” If there was nothing else I could do to stop her from crying, then at least I could talk to
her. “He’s the bravest, strongest man in the world and he loves you very much. He’s a vampire, but we won’t hold that against him. You’re part vampire too and I think you’ll find it very useful. You’ll be able to protect yourself like no other and you’ll be able to move very quickly. And you’ll be so strong!”
I paused as I tried to keep the tears from returning. “I want you to know how much your daddy loves you.” I paused again and took a deep breath. I was losing the war against my tears. “And I love him. We love each other. We do. Even if… Sometimes we can be pretty stupid and forget it or act like we don’t love each other, but the love is always there and I think… I hope we both know it.”
The tears returned in earnest, but I forged on, as if I needed to say all the things that were dribbling out of my mouth as if of their own accord. “I hope he knows I always loved him, even when we were fighting. It all seems so stupid now. So pointlessly futile. Why would we fight over anything when we love each other as much as we did… as much as we do? When we’ve got something like you to bring us together.” I wiped my eyes. “You see; your daddy and I are very different people. Not just because I’m an Elemental and he’s a vampire, but because he’s all locked up and I’m all out there.”
The baby looked up at me with this funny little smile on her face and it made me smile and then laugh. “I probably not making much sense, but that’s not going to stop me,” I continued. “Your dad says nothing and I say everything. And even the ways in which we’re similar are the worst ways. We’re both stubborn, we’re both competitive, we don’t like to admit we’re wrong.” I paused and thought about what I’d just said.
The baby cooed and reached for her toes, as if encouraging my babbling. So I continued. “You know; I wonder if our similarities are a bigger problem than our differences? Either way, the point is; similar or different your dad and I were badly suited, ill-matched, should never have gotten together in the first place.” I paused and wiped my eyes. “But somehow, it worked. In fact, it worked so well, it resulted in something wonderful; you. You are the sum of our good points and our faults; our similarities and our differences. When your daddy and I come together, there is nothing we can’t do and you’re the proof of it.” I felt a weight in my stomach and an indescribable sadness. I missed Sinjin and I was so worried about him. “I really wish he was here now.”
My little girl cooed again, as if responding to me. I knew she couldn’t understand a word I said, but when she grabbed my finger, right at that moment, I couldn’t help wondering. It was as if she was saying, ‘ No, Mom. He’s here now, because I’m part of him, and I’m here ’. Which is pretty articulate for a child of that age… whatever age she was.
When the hell wo uld we celebrate her birthday?
Whether she actually said it or not did n’t matter; she was right. Sinjin and I had overcome insurmountable odds and if he could see me right now he would be telling me to get off my ass and do something.
Or maybe that was just what I would want him to say. He’d been so strange through our last few days together. He was still my Sinjin, he’d still stepped up to sacrifice himself without even a thought. And yet there had been distance between us which was never resolved. If he did escape the Fir Darrig, would he come back to me? If he came back to me, would it just be to say goodbye?
If he did escape the Fir Darrig…
I hated the thought. I hated the fact that there was a huge part of me that still wanted to blaze a trail after him, a part of me that wanted to save him.
But I knew I couldn’t do that. Not when I was needed here.
Instead, I had to trust in Sinjin. There was a reason he’d survived the last six hundred years. He was smart and he was capable and I’d have to trust he’d use both to his advantage.
The only problem was that I wasn’t good at sitting around and being patient. I never had been. But, now I had someone else to think about. Now I had someone else to live for.
Right now , I needed my focus to be on the immediate problem at hand; the presence of an army outside. But my mind kept slipping.
How could I think about Luce and his army when I didn’t know where Sinjin was and if he was even still alive?
“Bryn?”
SIXTEEN
BRYN
I was so strung out that , for a moment, I actually thought it was the baby talking to me.
“Bryn?” This time I had the common sense to look over to the door to see Mathilda standing there, looking at me.
“Mathilda!” I was delighted to see her and quickly introduced her to my baby. We hugged and sat down together on my bed.
“I just thought I’d check on you. See how you’re coping,” said Mathilda, tactfully saying nothing about the chaos of the room, dusted with baby powder and books lying where I’d hurled them.
“We’ll manage,” I smiled.
Mathilda smiled back and looked down at the floor for a bit.
“Must be difficult without Sinjin.”
I tried to laugh it off. “I’m not sure how much of a difference he would make. I mean; can you imagine Sinjin changing a diaper?”
Mathilda chuckled in her good-natured way. “Oddly enough, Bryn, I can. I think if you give that vampire a challenge, he would move heaven and earth to face it. He’s certainly more comfortable with challenges that involve going up against evil forces bent on destruction, but I wouldn’t discount him as a useful house-husband.”
“He is very fastidious,” I admitted. “He’d make sure the baby’s bottle was properly cleaned.”
“He’d tell wonderful bedtime stories,” agreed Mathilda.
I felt the tears rising in me again.
“Bryn,” Mathilda spoke again, “I understand from Odran that you’ve heard tell of my other name. The one I used to go by.”
The Lady of World’s End.
I’d almost forgotten about that. “Your secret’s safe with me.”
Mathilda waved my words off.
“I never doubted that. Had you ever heard the name before?”
I shook my head. “No. But I’m guessing it has something to do with how you knew Luce was coming?”
She nodded. “An army in the realm Faery, bringing death wherever it goes? I have done everything I could to sever links with that title, but I was born to it.” She sighed. “You do not know the misery it has caused me over the years, but I believe it helped me here. There was no way I could miss the feeling of Luce and his army. I felt them bearing down on us as they plundered their trail through my old home.”
“So, the Lady of World’s End is a prophetess of Death?” I hazarded.
Mathilda shook her head. “No. But if it makes it easier for you to understand, then; sure. Prophetess of death.”
“I’d like to understand.”
Mathilda shook her head again. “For a non-Fae it is almost impossible to truly grasp. I was, still am I suppose, in a way, something to do with death. The legend says that the Lady of World’s End is born in fire and lives in constant sight of death.
It is almost the Faery version of the prophet Cassandra, who saw
only calamity, though in our case, she also has a natural affinity for it.”
It was hard to see the old yet child-like Fae as something so dark.
“Do you… I mean; does the Lady have any powers that might help us now?”
“You mean can I bring death to Luce or to his forces? No. I don’t command death. I’m not one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” She laughed at her own joke so I joined her, not wanting to be rude.
“I’m more like their press agent.”
I couldn’t say I really understood any better. And I gave her an expression that said as much.
“For long years,” Mathilda went on, “I wore the cloak of shadow.
I saw death in all its forms and sometimes he walked beside me. I wore the cloak so long, I think I forgot that the person beneath it, the real me, was not that cold presence, but quite another.
And when I fell in love, then I rejected it, because I did not think such emotions, or such happiness, were for me.”
I listened, captivated.
“I decided love was not something that one like me could ever know.”
“But you’re one of the most loving people I’ve ever met,” I argued.
“Thank you, Bryn. If only you had been there to remind me of that at the time. It took me…” She paused in thought. “It took me far longer than it should have to convince myself I did deserve love.
That what I was should not dictate my worthiness to have that joy in my life. And when I realized that, then I found the strength to take off the cloak, and be myself; plain Mathilda. I turned to light and happiness and though it meant leaving Faery. I have never regretted the decision. But it is a hard, hard one to make.”
“Were there consequences back in Faery?”
“They said there would be,” scoffed Mathilda. “When I left, there were dire apocalyptic warnings about what my leaving would bring down upon the realm. I told them; if there was an apocalypse coming, I’d be the first to know about it; there wasn’t one.
Which did make me wonder what the point of it had ever been. But that’s oftentimes the way of Faery; there is no point to any of it, it just is.”
“And the one you fell in love with?” I asked.
“Oh, he was a mortal,” explained Mathilda. “So perhaps I could not escape death altogether, as our time together was always destined to be short. But I would not have traded it for anything.”
“Thank you for telling me all that,” I said, not quite sure why she had.
Mathilda took my hand in hers. “I know you are worried about Sinjin.”
“Yes.”
“He is a survivor in general. And he will be rejoining you soon.”
I nodded and smiled, hoping she was right. Hoping she knew what she was talking about. And then I thought about what it might mean if he did return, how it might mean he was just going to leave me again, leave our baby.
“Sinjin loves you, Bryn,” Mathilda said. “It’s himself he has to struggle with. But when he finds the courage to shed his own cloak of shadows, then all will be well between you again.” She smiled the knowing little smile that I always thought of when I thought of her. “Be patient. It is a hard thing to do. Even for Sinjin Sinclair.”
Maybe it was the way in which Mathilda spoke as much as the words she said, but I felt the stress and worry drain a little from my body. There were still things to worry about, but listening to Mathilda had brightened my mood.
I wanted to ask her more about the Lady of World’s End and what it meant and how it might help us. Did Luce know? Could we use it to scare him? More importantly; did her powers extend to telling me if Sinjin and Dureau were alive?
I had a millions ques tions, partly because I didn’t feel as if she’d told me anything, but any further conversation was cut off by the sound of feet pounding down the corridor.
“Bryn!” It was Damek, the young Daywalker/Elemental hybrid who hero-worshipped Sinjin. “Luce is at the gate! Jolie says for you and the baby to get to safety.”
I turned to Mathilda. “Look after her… please.”
“I shall.”
I would always have felt comfortable leaving my child with Mathilda, and now I felt all the more so.
“Come on,” I said to Damek as I hurried out into the corridor, heading for the gate.
“But, wait, that wasn’t the way it was supposed to go…” Damek stuttered as looked from me to the baby in Mathilda’s arms and back to me again. “I really don’t think that was what the Queen had in mind.”
“Probably not.”
#
A few minutes later , I entered the great entrance cavern of Kinloch Broch. At the far end of the room were the vast doors of oak and iron that kept the Broch secure. From outside, I could hear the rhythmic thumping of a battering ram being slammed against them, the noise echoing around the cavern. Every available warrior we had was standing ready to repel the invaders, but that was a sadly small number compared to what was outside.
“What are you doing here?” asked Jolie, as I joined her.
“Sounded like you could use a kick ass fighter.”
“Your place is with your baby, Bryn,” said Jolie.
“Right back at you.”
“It’s my duty to be here.”
“You took the words right out of my mouth.”
“Bryn…” Jolie began.
“Jolie,” I instantly interrupted, “the best thing I can do as a mom right now is to make sure those bastards stay outside, and I can’t do that hiding away upstairs.”
Jolie looked at Damek. “This wasn’t what I had in mind.”
“She wouldn’t listen,” protested Damek, with a shrug. “Dude, don’t shoot the messenger.”
Jolie sighed. “I can believe that. Go and check on Mercedes.”
Damek ran out.
“You really don’t want me here?” I asked.
Jolie pulled a half-smile. “There’s no one I would rather have fighting beside me, you know that, but I’d prefer to keep you safe.”
I laughed. “I think the time for keeping people safe is long gone.”
From behind us, I heard approaching feet and a few moments later, a group of Daywalkers jogged in, led by Adam, the first of Luce’s Daywalkers who had fled him to join us. He beamed on seeing me.
“Welcome back, Bryn. Glad to be here?”
“Hell yeah,” I replied. “It was all so damn boring in Faery.”
Adam laughed and turned to Jolie. “We’re ready to fight. Where do you want us?”
“Rand will position you,” said Jolie. “And thank you, Adam. I appreciate how hard this must be for you and your people… our people.”
Adam shook his head. “Fighting Luce is something we all want to be part of.”
He went to speak to Rand and his people took their place amongst the defenders.
“I thought the gate was secure?” I asked Jolie. “Odran said there were arrow slits and stuff.”
Jolie nodded. “We didn’t anticipate the ruthlessness of Luce.”
“Always a mistake.”
“He sent wave after wave of his men in, not caring if they were slaughtered, until he’d managed to block our vantage points.”
Jolie shook her head. “This is going to be an ugly fight, Bryn.
They’re not going to back off—they’re more scared of him behind them than they are of us in front.”
A splintering sound made both of us look back to the gates.
“The gates are givin’!” roared Odran. He had drawn the massive sword I’d only seen him use for magic and ceremonial purposes and was holding it ready.
We all tensed ourse lves for battle, but once again, I could hear the pounding of feet and Damek came hurtling in at full pelt.
“Queen Jolie, Mercedes says you have to come.”
“What is it?” snapped Jolie. “You may have noticed I’m busy here.”
“The portal…” Damek probably had more to say but those two words were all Jolie needed to hear. She set off running with me not far behind.
It made sense of course; why wouldn’t Luce attack from both sides at once, spreading our meager forces even more thinly? That was
why Jolie had stationed Mercedes there, ready to meet the assault with what magic she could muster.
Jolie and I ran, helter-skelter through the rock tunnels of Kinloch Broch, down a spiral staircase and into what was called the Mirror Cavern. It earned this name partly from the fact that it mirrored the entrance hall at the front; one leading out into the real world, the other into Faery. The other reason was that in place of the wooden gate in the entrance hall, here was a sheet of shimmering energy that gave a distorted reflection of the room. Most portals are invisible until they’re called into existence, but the one in Kinloch Broch, as Odran had explained to me, was permanent, like an open door, and it was only a trio of protective spells on it that secured it against attack.
Those spells had taken a battering from Luce since he ’d arrived, and Mercedes had taken up residence in the Mirror Cavern to keep the spells strong and maintain our defenses as best she could.
The Lost Child Page 14