Beyond Reckless

by Autumn Jones Lake

  Barf, I can’t think of anything I want to do less than go judge-hunting. Even if it is the hottest, yet most terrifying judge in Empire County.

  I flash a tight smile. “Sounds good.”

  All I can think about is how I wish I’d said more to Marcel.

  And wonder if I’ll have another chance.

  More and more people show up at our clubhouse as afternoon turns to evening.

  Tonight, most of our visitors are from downstate—Sway’s club. Some from one of our other charters. All Lost Kings, but somehow not the same. Rock, Wrath, and Murphy are absent. Z and Dex just look irritated. The rest of my brothers are up to the usual antics.

  Lots of muffler bunnies followed the guys up here. Not an ol’ lady in sight.

  The chaos around me matches the chaos in my head. I’m numb but haven’t had anything to drink yet.

  I consider asking Murphy to come over, but he won’t want to leave Heidi. For the first time in my life, I don’t blame him.

  If Mariella hadn’t died, would I be upstairs with her now? Watching a movie with her curled up by my side?

  Would I prefer that?

  I’m not sure.

  I wish she had the chance though.

  As I’m considering all of this, another name keeps repeating at the back of all my other thoughts. I’m a mess and have no business even thinking of getting involved with a woman right now.

  The more I try to push it away, the louder it is.

  Charlotte.

  What’s she doing tonight?

  Who’s she doing it with?

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Recently, Rock’s insisted that at least once a week, the whole club—old ladies and any of our regular girls included—sit down to dinner together. Especially since Rock, Wrath, and Murphy have moved out of the clubhouse.

  Even Sparky and Stash find their way out of the basement to the dinner table after Swan went downstairs to remind them what day it was.

  Z strolls in last and bear hugs me from behind.

  “Get off me, fucker.”

  He plants a sloppy kiss on my cheek. “How you been, little brother?”

  “I was fine until you slobbered all over me.”

  Fucker just laughs and turns to Heidi. “Let me see the princess.”

  Heidi laughs softly while she hands Alexa to him.

  “Who’s your favorite uncle?” he asks, pressing kisses to her cheeks.

  She squeals and tries to lunge out of his hold toward me.

  “I guess that’s her answer,” I say, holding out my arms. “She’s already smart like her mom.”

  Next to me, Heidi snorts.

  “We’ll see,” Z says, sitting next to me and holding out his palms for Alexa to slap.

  “It’s not a competition,” Heidi scolds.

  “Not a close one,” I mutter and Heidi smacks my arm.

  “She loves everyone equally.”

  Across the table, Trinity snickers, but doesn’t add to the discussion. Z catches her eye. “When are you two going to get on the baby thing?”

  “Never,” she and Wrath answer at the same time.

  Hope chuckles and Rock gives Z a look that clearly says “don’t even bring that bullshit my way.”

  Dinner’s not fancy. Just our little club family catching up with each other. It’s not something I’d say out loud, but I look forward to these nights. Being surrounded by family means I’m not drowning in the sucking blackness that seems to pull me under every day. I suspect Rock’s weekly dinner ritual was more about luring me out of my room on a regular basis than catching up with everyone.

  After dinner, Sparky’s eager to get back downstairs to his plants. He practically begs Hope to come with him so he can show her one of his new crops. Wrath and Trinity end up leaving with them.

  Heidi’s busy cleaning Alexa’s face when Murphy stands and stretches. Rock eyes the three of us thoughtfully. “Hold up,” he says. His gaze strays to me, keeping me in my chair.

  “Need you two to do a favor for the club.” As usual, Rock gets right to the point.

  Heidi pushes her chair back. “I’ll go—”

  “No. Stay, I want you to hear this.” Rock glances at me again, then back to Murphy. “Wolf Knights invited us to their clubhouse tomorrow night. Supposed to be a family event. Wrath and Trin are going, Ravage, Dex, some of the others. I can’t make it.” He focuses on Murphy. “I want you to take Heidi—”

  “No fucking way,” I interrupt.

  All three of them glare my way.

  Christ, now I have no say over anything?

  “What do you need me to do, Uncle Rock?” Heidi asks with too much enthusiasm for my liking.

  The corners of Rock’s mouth twitch into a hint of fatherly pride. “Nothing major. Listen to the conversations around you. See what you can find out from the other old ladies. Any mention of Wolf Knights in Iron Works or working with other clubs.”

  “Any specific names you want me to listen for?” she asks.

  “If you hear another club name, make a note of it.” He pins her with a this is serious stare. “You’re not asking questions. Just listening.”

  She nods once. “I can do that.”

  “I know you can.”

  “Rock,” I protest. “I really don’t think she should be—”

  “Marcel, I’m fine.” She swings her gaze back to Rock. “Most likely, they’ll assume I’m young and dumb.”

  Rock’s mouth curls into a smirk. “You’re anything but, which is why I trust you to do this.”

  Heidi’s beaming from ear to ear by now. “Thank you.”

  “What about me, Prez?” Murphy asks.

  “Make sure Wrath doesn’t kill anyone.” Rock doesn’t laugh. “You know Whisper pretty well, feel him out.” Rock glances my way next. “I assume you want to go too?” he asks, nodding at my sister.

  I smother the sarcastic “ya think?” forming on my tongue and answer my president with respect. “Yes.”

  “Good. Once the ol’ ladies head home, find yourself a half-way smart bunny to butter up. Family event or not, they’ll show up eventually.”

  Heidi wrinkles her nose which makes me laugh. “Not so much fun now, is it, little sister?” I ask.

  “Are you sure Hope’s okay watching Alexa all night?” Heidi asks Rock, ignoring me.

  He waves the question off. “We’re fine, Heidi.”

  Not that anyone asked me, but if Alexa’s staying anywhere, I’m glad it’s with Hope.

  “Meet with Wrath, see when he wants to leave. Follow his lead.” Are the last instructions we get from Rock before he heads out. In search of Hope no doubt.

  Still irritated about my sister being brought into club business, I glare at Murphy.

  “What?”

  Heidi’s gaze darts between us. “I’m going to clean Alexa up,” she says.

  Murphy watches her leave, then swings his gaze my way. I open my mouth and he holds up a hand, stopping me. “Listen, I get that you’re not cool with Heidi going to a Wolf Knight’s party, but she’ll be fine.”

  “You realize you’re taking responsibility for her in front of their whole crew? She fucks up, we all look bad.”

  He looks at me as if I’m stupid—which is exactly what I’m being. My sister’s smarter than that. I’m not sure why the hell I’m so pissed off. It’s more than just bringing her with us.

  “No shit. What the hell’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing. You’re right. It’s a small gathering. Better to test her there instead of after you’re even more tangled up with her.”

  Anger pinches his face. I definitely struck a nerve. “Tangled up with her?” He drops the question in a low voice. The one Blake uses right before he snaps and beats the shit out of someone.

  “Why aren’t you more pissed with her?”

  He glares at me and shakes his head.

  Blake’s not stupid. He knows exactly what I’m referring to. “Why are you bringing this up now?”

/>   Fuck it, I’m probably as confused as he is. Even though I’ve tried to be okay with them as a couple, there are a few things I can’t wrap my head around.

  When I don’t answer, he pushes into my space and lowers his voice. “What would you like me to do, Marcel? Punish her for a mistake she made when she was eighteen and scared out of her damn mind? Make her life miserable? Is that what you want for Heidi? Is that the kind of man you think I am?”

  No. That’s not what I want at all. And I know he’d never do anything to make her unhappy.

  Still, I can’t seem to stop myself from twisting my knife of half-truth into my best friend’s chest. “Come on, man. We both know if Axel were still alive, she wouldn’t be with you. You’re okay with that?” Unlike Blake, I don’t bother keeping my voice down.

  My words might have finally earned me the punch I deserve from him, but just in time to hear the last shitty bit of it, Heidi marches into the room. The shock and hurt on her face guts me. But I still don’t expect her hand to come flying at my face. The blow she lands on my cheek actually knocks me off balance.

  “How dare you. That is not true,” she spits out.

  Stunned stupid, I can’t come up with much of a reply that doesn’t make me sound like a ten-year-old. “You weren’t invited into this conversation, little sister.”

  “Sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong is my invitation.” She jabs a finger in my chest. “And you don’t know shit.”

  I can’t think of a time when I’ve seen my sister this angry. Not at me.

  “No? When his year in Alaska was up, you and Axel would have come home.” I stop and point at Murphy. “And made his life miserable again.”

  Murphy moves in closer, but Heidi steps between us, getting right in my face. “You’re such an asshole,” she hisses. “You want the fucking truth, big brother?” She all but screams the words in my face. “Axel wasn’t planning to come home. He wanted to take another job even farther away. Our marriage was over. We were done.” In a softer voice, she adds, “I loved him, but marrying him was a huge mistake.”

  “Yeah, but you went ahead and did it anyway, didn’t you?” I yell back, because, fuck am I still pissed with her.

  “I was trying to do the right thing for my daughter!” she shouts. Murphy wraps his hands around her waist and pulls her against him, but she doesn’t even seem to notice.

  She’s silent for a few seconds, then blows out a breath and swipes a few tears off her cheeks. Shit, I hate that I made her cry. “Did you know he kept trying to talk me into an abortion even after we got married?” she whispers. “Did you know he’d ignore Alexa when she cried?” she asks a little louder. “That he rarely lifted a finger to help me out with her? That up in Alaska, he wanted to hang with his buddies more than us?”

  “No, I—”

  “After your accident, I went home and tried to make things work with him. But it was never going to work because he lied to me the entire time. He had no intention of ever coming home. The last time I saw him alive, we fought.” She lets out a harsh sob and I can almost feel the guilt weighing her down. “I knew we were done then,” she finishes miserably.

  All the pain and grief of everything my sister’s been through ripples over her face, leaving me raw and uncertain. So, of course, I continue to needle her.

  “That was your choice. You married him when you shouldn’t have. You didn’t tell anyone it was that bad. Everyone in this clubhouse would have come up there and helped you move back home. But you didn’t tell anyone!”

  “You’re right, I didn’t,” she answers calmly. “I’m not blaming anyone else. It’s my fault.”

  I’m so torqued it takes me until now to notice Alexa isn’t with my sister. “Where’s Alexa?”

  She glares back. “With Hope. I wanted to come back here and talk to you about tomorrow night.”

  “Oh,” I say stupidly.

  “I’m glad she’s not here. I hate that you forced me to talk about my daughter’s father that way. I don’t ever want her to know she wasn’t anything other than one-hundred percent wanted and loved by both her parents.”

  Shit.

  “She is loved.” I jab a finger in Murphy’s direction and then at her. “Her parents do love her. I love her. Everyone here loves that girl. You should’ve said something,” I insist, like the asshole she accused me of being. I should apologize to my little sister, who I love more than anyone, but I can’t form the words.

  “I love you, Marcel. You’re the one person—until today—who’s never let me down.” She glares at me. “Whether you can handle it or not, I’ve loved Blake for as long as I can remember.” She lowers her voice. “If you ever question how I feel about him again—you and I are done.” She chokes on the last word.

  Murphy tries to comfort her, but she only accepts a quick hug. He kisses her cheek and whispers something in her ear, keeping his eyes on me the entire time.

  As soon as she clears the room, all softness vanishes from my best friend’s face. “Was that necessary?”

  “Did you know all of that?”

  He shakes his head. “Unless she wants to talk about it, I don’t bring it up. I don’t see the point in hurting her.”

  Once again, my best friend’s capable of more maturity than I am. Why’d I even get out of bed this morning? To hurt the people I care about the most?

  I need a fucking do-over.

  Unwilling to admit how much of an asshole I’ve been, I grin and shrug. “Well, at least you know how she feels about you now.”

  He sucks in a deep breath and takes a step closer. “We’re not kids anymore. I don’t need you fighting my battles.”

  “I’m—”

  “I don’t need your help.” He slaps one hand over his chest. Over his heart. “I know how she feels about me. You need to back the fuck off. Stop trying to help me or protect me or whatever the fuck you think you’re doing. Enough is enough. Stay out of our relationship.”

  “I don’t want—”

  He sighs and gives me a look full of impatience. “I love you. You’re my brother. Family. For most of my life.”

  “I can’t stand—” I try again.

  The calm expression he’s wearing vanishes. Something much more pissed-off takes its place. “I’m a big boy. I can take it.” He glances down at his hands, flexing his fingers for a few seconds before finally looking up at me. “I’m done asking your permission to be with your sister. She’s mine. My ol’ lady. Soon, my wife. The mother of my children. Whatever you need to do to wrap your head around it, do it quick. Because if you ever upset her like that again, I’ll take your fucking head off. Don’t test me on this. Not with her.”

  We stand there glaring at each other.

  “Are we clear?” Murphy growls.

  “Everything all right in here?” Rock asks, striding into the room, wearing his whose ass do I need to kick face.

  Murphy doesn’t take his eyes off me. “I think we’re cool, Prez.”

  Shame slides over my skin for the way I acted, but I keep my face neutral. I turn and find Hope holding Alexa and Heidi watching the three of us.

  Rock jerks his head toward the door, giving Murphy the signal to leave.

  Once we’re in the dining room alone, I face Rock.

  “I take it you heard all that?”

  Rock nods. “Hard not to.” He slaps a hand on my shoulder and steers me down the hallway and into the War Room, closing the door behind us. He all but shoves me into Wrath’s chair and takes his usual seat. “What’s going on with you?”

  I open my mouth even though I’m not sure what excuse will roll off my tongue. Rock holds his hand up, cutting me off.

  “Think on it a minute.”

  “But—”

  “No. Seriously, for once in your life, take a second and actually use the gray matter taking up space between your ears before you open that big mouth.”

  That’s a much longer warning than I’d normally get before Rock wraps his hands
around my neck.

  I keep my mouth shut.

  “You voted yes,” he says after a minute where I don’t come up with anything.

  “I was thinking about the club. Not myself.”

  “Right. Which is what you’re supposed to do.” He cocks his head to the side. “She suddenly bad for the club now?”

  “No.”

  “So you think antagonizing your brother is good for the club?”

  “No.”

  Christ, I sound as petulant and whiny as I did when I first met Rock.

  “I hate that I didn’t protect her better,” I finally blurt out.

  He heaves out a sigh as if he’s relieved I got it on the first try.

  “That was some tough shit to hear, Marcel,” he says gently. “I get it.” He looks me in the eye. “I really do.”

  “Now she says things with Axel were worse than I even thought.”

  “You were in the hospital recovering, she didn’t want to upset you.”

  “So she talked to you?”

  He glances away and nods. “Really she talked to Hope.”

  “Oh.” A twinge of guilt pricks me.

  Rock taps the table to get my attention. “You mad I want her to go to this party?”

  “I guess.”

  “How long have I known you, Marcel?”

  “I don’t know. Since I was twelve.”

  “You trust me?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “You trust Murphy?”

  “With Heidi? Yeah,” I admit grudgingly. Murphy did just threaten to beat the shit out of me if I ever made her cry again.

  He nods slowly and sits back. “You’ve carried a big burden for a long time.”

  “I never minded.”

  “Didn’t say that. But you never got to be a kid. Shit, at that age I was busy trying to seduce my babysitter. You were taking care of your baby sister and your buddy, remember?”

  “I remember.” How could I forget?

  Rock doesn’t laugh. Instead, he sighs. “I’ve been hard on you sometimes, yeah?”

  My mouth quirks into a you’re kidding smirk.

  “Even when you were a kid, you took things so seriously. I think I was hard on you because I wanted you to see the bigger picture.”