They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

by Susan Stec

  A tractor-trailer pulled into the center of the parking lot, its diesel engine hissing as the driver hit the brakes. A hefty human, enough to feed a whole pack of wolves, jumped from the cab. The mortal started toward the restroom, her form clearly visible as she walked through a haze of light rain and stepped under a light pole near the door of the bathroom.

  The wolf licked his snout, sitting on his haunches in a cluster of trees nearby. The purse and his clothes sat on the ground beside him. He watched in silence, ears pinned back, hair bristled on the back of his neck.

  The meaty woman ran from the restroom seconds later, a cell phone against her ear. "That's what I said. Blood. And it's everywhere. Someone definitely died in there."

  Paul ran his tongue across his maw, growling deep in his throat.

  The woman turned in his direction, cell phone still hanging from her ear, and sprinted toward the cab of her eighteen-wheeler. "Look officer, I got a run to make and I'm already off schedule. I'm not sticking around. I can give you my cell number if you have any questions and meet up with you later, but I'd send an officer out here pretty damn quick before some mother and her kid show up and all hell breaks loose." She reached her truck, yanked open the door, and pulled herself into the cab. The engine roared to life, chugging slowly out of the parking lot.

  The wolf circled the building, sniffed the air and headed for the lake. He stopped abruptly and latched onto a piece of clothing tangled in a gnarly bush. He hooded his eyes, pulled vigorously, hindquarters up, back paws digging in the grass for traction. He yanked the fabric free, dropped it by his front paws and nudged it with his muzzle. Picking it up, he sprinted off, depositing it under the trees with the rest of his things.

  Nose to the ground, the scent led him to a retention wall by the foot of the lake. He ran his snout up and down the cement, snorting and sniffing as he padded back and forth.

  He stopped, his tail wagging, as he licked a long tongue over a few drops of blood on the edge of the structure in front of him. A low growl emanated from his throat, eyes scanning the water in front of him.

  He turned and pranced back across the wet grass, pausing a few times to sniff the air as he headed into the trees.

  A few minutes later, fully dressed in a tight pair of jeans and a baggy T-shirt with a BassPro logo on the front, Paul stepped out of his hiding place. With the purse and shirt in his hands, he sprinted toward the Corvette, pulling his cell phone from his jeans, and hit speed dial. A voice answered almost immediately.

  "You better have something for me, Wolf," Dorius growled.

  "We've got a problem."

  Sitting in his car on a dark street across town, Dorius glared at his cell phone. "What kind of problem?"

  "A human died in that restroom, not an immortal. And Christopher's scent stands out. He was definitely there, also one other immortal. A trail of the dead human's blood led to the lake. I'm betting the body's in the water."

  "So, we definitely have immortal activity besides Christopher?" Dorius held the cell phone to his ear, his hand pulling his long black hair off his rugged face. His jaw was tight and he audibly ground his teeth.

  "Yes, and I found identification and clothing, same scent as the human blood. Angelina Westwood is the mortal's name."

  "Angelina Westwood? So, you have a driver's license, but no body?" His hands went to his forehead, a bit of hope in his voice, as he listened.

  "I'm sure there will be a body as soon as the police get here. A trucker just called the station."

  "Is there any sign of Christopher?" He let out a long sigh, finally accepting the inevitable.

  "No, and the trail will be gone if it keeps raining, but I'm on it."

  "Let the police find the body, but hang around. I want to be sure it's Angelina."

  "Do you know this woman?"

  "Yes. That's all you need to know right now. Tonight you can do a grid search. Hopefully you'll get a scent leading us to Christopher." Dorius leaned back and his eyes closed.

  "I think following Christopher's trail is crucial. You sure you want me to wait until tonight?"

  "Yes. Call me later when you see the body."

  Dorius laid the silent phone on the dashboard of his Mercedes as a growl of rage spewed from his mouth.

  ~~~~

  "I'm glad she practiced on her first," Mom said, standing over Resi's prone body.

  I pulled my hands away from my mouth, held my breath and whispered, "Why isn't she waking up? It's been twenty minutes. Are you sure she's alive?"

  "Give her a good slap," Mom suggested, "That might wake her up."

  "She has a heartbeat. Chill," Zaire said with a big grin. "She'll wake on her own, Nan.

  "Thank God, Susan," JoAnn said. "Because I was about ready to shove this cross up your-"

  "Oh, let's all thank God, why don't we," Jeni hissed. "It seems so appropriate."

  Resi's eyes popped open, her nostrils flared and she immediately started bitching. "Oh God, I hurt all over. I feel like shit. Your frigging heartbeats are giving me a migraine. Christ, can't you all tune it down a bit? I'm sooo damn thirsty."

  "Well Mother, it seems you've successfully changed Resi into a monstrosity just like you," Jeni spat at me sarcastically. "And she's thirsty, poor thing. Shame we've run out of pets."

  "Hey, I didn't ask for this! She did!" I'll just totally ignore the fact that I wanted the blood as much as she wanted to give it.

  Jeni's brows clashed. "And your parental approach to that request was to slap her on the proverbial train headed straight for hell."

  Resi hissed, "Jennifer, just shut the hell up. I'm in pain here!"

  "And I'm doing my damnedest to lengthen your little inconvenience with idle chit-chat," Jeni spat.

  Zaire looked up at me. "Time to bite something and bring it over here. She needs your blood first."

  "Yeah, move your ass, Susan," Mom said. "I wanna see what happens next."

  "Can we talk about this first?" JoAnn asked.

  Resi dropped a nice set of fangs and growled, "Bite your damn arm, Mom!" I was a bit put out that her fangs popped out so soon.

  Zaire grinned at Resi. "I just love this family."

  I took in a deep breath, bit my wrist, licked my lips, and placed my arm in front of Resi's mouth. She latched on like she was made for vampirism.

  "Go get a couple of bags of blood out of the refrigerator," Zaire said, grinning at Jeni and JoAnn. "She'll need more blood than Mom's unless you two are ready?"

  Jeni and JoAnn turned on their heels, heading for the refrigerator.

  Mom didn't. "Why don't we save the blood bags and let her suck on me when she's finished with her mother?"

  "Sure!" Jeni yelled over her shoulder. "Why the heck not? I mean, the more the merrier. I'm hitting the Internet to find out what kills you bitches, because if one of you brings those fangs anywhere near me, I won't hesitate to put you out of your misery."

  I felt Resi grin against my wrist as she slowly drank.

  "Let's give this a few days before we turn anyone else," I said sheepishly.

  "That's the first smart thing you've said all night." JoAnn walked in from the kitchen.

  "This is so wrong," Jeni remarked, as she rounded the counter with three bags of blood in her hands. "You're relying on cheap fiction novels for what comes next and now there are two of you."

  "How do you feel?" Mom grunted in a bent over position, hobbling toward Resi.

  Resi raised an eyebrow, shook her head from side to side with a 'so-so' expression on her face, and kept sucking.

  "I think that's enough," Zaire said. "You're a new vamp, Mom, and I don't-"

  Resi growled, grabbed my arm with two hands and sucked like mad.

  "Ow, ow, and ow! Shit, that hurts! Someone get her the hell off my wrist!" I shouted, one foot on Resi's chest, pushing, my hand yanking a fist full of hair that was growing and changing color rapidly.

  Jeni smiled. "Maybe if we all stand back, they'll kill each other."


  "Suck her dry, Resi!" JoAnn shouted. "Then we can bury her by Tootles."

  "Hey, lookey there, her hair is changing color and it's growing faster than my Chia Pet," Mom commented.

  Jeni passed a bag of blood to Zaire. "And it's red; your favorite color."

  Resi spit out my wrist, her fangs retracted and she pulled her hair in front of her face. "What the hell! Get me the scissors. I'm cutting it off tonight and I'm hitting Wal-Mart later when-"

  "You better buy a case of that Clairol shit." Zaire rolled her eyes. "'Cuz you know it's just gonna grow back." She slapped a bag of blood to Resi's fangs and Resi's eyes hooded as she sucked on it.

  I plopped down on the bench of the picnic table and watched Resi drink, her skin tightening, her chest and waist shrinking, her hair turning a lovely chestnut brown.

  Jeni powered up the computer that sat on the picnic table.

  "Are - you - in - pain?" Mom enunciated each word, one eyebrow at half-mast, her spandex hanging haphazardly around her small frame.

  Resi growled.

  "If that blood doesn't taste good, I have some that's aged to perfection," my mother offered.

  Resi yanked her fangs out of the drained bag and blew her hair out of her face. "I friggin' hate red hair!"

  Jeni, dressed out in a nasty grin, casually said, "But you're as full as a tick."

  Resi pulled at her hair. "Damn it all to hell!"

  Zaire slapped another bag of blood on her mouth. "Be quiet and suck it up. You look great and I can't wait to see the rest of you."

  Resi made a half-smile around the bag.

  "I'd be more worried about where I have to suck blood from later today, instead of what my hair looks like," Jeni told her. "There are only a few bags left. Maybe you and Mom can reduce the rat population around the shed."

  Resi sucked down the blood in seconds flat, yanked her face away, and immediately spat, "Oh, give it up Jeni. Just because you don't give a shit what you look like, doesn't mean we can't."

  "I care what I look like, Resi. I'm just not willing to kill a beloved pet to have less cellulite." Jeni smiled at her.

  Resi curled her lips back.

  "I'd kill the damn dog twice to get a body like that," Mom said.

  God bless us, we sure have the vanity thing down pat.

  "I can't believe you said that," JoAnn whimpered.

  "You should have done me first, anyway," Mom said, ignoring her. "I could die tomorrow, you know. I haven't felt good in a long time. I'm dizzy all the time and I hear voices singing in my head. I get palpitations too." She clutched her chest for dramatic affect.

  Jeni hammered the computer keys.

  "Nanna, you wanted me to be the Guinea Pig, remember? And you're as healthy as a horse. Don't worry, if you look like you're going to kick the bucket, I'll run right over and bite the shit out of you."

  Zaire grinned at Resi. "I'm thinkin' a little wet sex in the shower. Some of that warming oil, maybe the little toy we just got. You up to it?"

  Resi laughed. "You just want to see me naked."

  "Damn right!" Zaire snickered.

  Oh God, now that's a little too much information. "No biting, Resi."

  "Can't promise that, but I won't turn her tonight."

  Zaire fanned out her hands. "I'm not getting any younger, baby."

  "A couple of days won't kill ya." Resi gave Zaire a peck on the cheek. "We can wait, Hon."

  "And God knows, none of you are cursed with self-indulgence," Jeni said, tapping the keys with determination.

  "Are you hungry Susan?" Mom smacked the inside of her arm like a druggie trying to find a vein, pumping her hand into a fist. She held her arm near my face. I could smell the blood pumping slowly through her withered veins. I pushed it away, frowning at her.

  "I think I'm going to make a trip to Saint Charles Church for crosses and holy water," Jeni said.

  JoAnn stared at the crucifix in her hands. "You are not getting mine."

  "I say we starve them. Maybe then one of the little shits will take me up on my offer." Mom craned her neck in my direction, stretching the usually saggy skin into a taut position. "Susan, you-vant… to-suck… my-blood."

  JoAnn stumbled between us like a goalie in front of a soccer net and slapped the cross on my forehead, screaming like a banshee. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…"

  Jeni abruptly stopped typing and started laughing.

  "Don't kill her. I ain't made yet!" Mom yelled.

  I slapped JoAnn away and listened for the sizzle. Hearing only laughter, I ran to a small mirror by the couch, shoving my face at it. In the reflection my forehead wasn't tattooed with a cross.

  Jeni huffed and clicked a few more keys on the computer.

  "Well shit," JoAnn said, strutting over to Jeni. She placed the cross on the table.

  I ignored them both, turning to Resi. "Get your shower because you and I should make a food run before the sun comes up. There's plenty of deer out there."

  "I told you, the sun won't hurt you," Zaire said, giving Resi a slap on her firm new ass.

  "Why don't we toss one of you outside in the morning to make sure," Jeni suggested. "I vote for Mommy Dearest."

  "She won't fry, Jeni," Resi stated, as if she were an authority on immortal do's and don'ts. Hell, they'd both been right so far.

  "They just need to be careful how long they stay out during the day. And, of course, they’ll need more blood," Zaire educated us.

  JoAnn and Jeni exchanged a look of trepidation.

  I'm still not going out in the sun anytime soon. "Zaire, can you grab a few more blood bags at work later?" I tried to move the subject to a more palatable one.

  "It'll be a bit tricky, but I'm the one that empties the operating room bins." Zaire yanked Resi toward the downstairs bedrooms. "Let's go sweetie, I need a shower." She wiggled her eyebrows at her.

  JoAnn huffed. "I think you should leave the poor deer alone and, like Jeni suggested, reduce the rat population. I can live with that."

  "I'm not sucking a rodent, Aunt JoAnn. Just keep being a bitch, because your neck is still available. And I'd really enjoy watching you rid the world of rats," Resi yelled over her shoulder as she and Zaire headed for the shower.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Six

  ~~~~

  We'd just finished taking the tent down after saying a few tense words over Tootles' grave, with JoAnn weeping the whole time. I felt just awful. My fangs kept dropping.

  We sat around the picnic table, half-finished cups of coffee scattered in front of us. I looked down at my cup. It wasn't doing anything for me. I mean, it didn't make me sick or anything. I just didn't enjoy it. I pushed it away.

  It would be light in a couple of hours and I was thinking about sun proofing my bedroom windows before getting some sleep. Funny thing, I wasn't the least bit tired. But I was thirsty again and concerned about what we were going to do when the bags of blood ran out. Zaire couldn't keep ripping off the hospital. Sooner or later, she was going to get caught.

  "I was thinking, we should consider humans as well as animals," I offered, my eyes on JoAnn's throat. "We could find wanted criminals in our area."

  "Oh, no you're not! I am not living with a bunch of cannibals," JoAnn snapped, her infernal eyebrows fighting for the center of her forehead.

  "JoAnn, you idiot, I'm not talking about roasting humans on a spit in the front yard." I was thinking more along the lines of sucking the life right out of her.

  "Mommy Dearest, we have a judicial system," Jeni warned. "They pay educated men and women to sentence criminals, and police officers to apprehend them. Everyone has the right to a trial. You can't go out willy-nilly on a killing spree."

  "Oh, screw that!" Zaire yelled. "I'm up for barbeque. Bring out the spit, dig the pit and bite me, baby. " Zaire smiled at Resi, definitely on the death and destruction bandwagon.

  "I'll grab the honey mustard sauce," Resi chimed in, her eyes fighting mine for a good place on Zaire's neck.

  "This is
not funny!" JoAnn whined.

  "JoAnn, you're a blood bubble on the inside of my ass," Mom snapped.

  "We could be like that guy Dexter we watch on Sunday nights - find pedophiles and bad guys." I worked at getting back on point, and tried real hard not to leap at Zaire before Resi did. "Hell, the newspaper prints pictures and last known addresses and it's delivered to our front door every morning."

  "Only second offenders, or worse," Resi sang, adding a bit of assistance. Her hair, fluffed and dried, hung about her face in soft wavy tendrils. She battled it out of her eyes with an exaggerated wave of her hand, tossing her long tresses in Zaire's face.

  Zaire loudly spit out a mouthful.

  I glared at both of them while Resi made air kisses at Zaire, eyes twinkling.

  "You can just suck some of their blood, right? From everything I've read on the Internet, humans don't turn if you just suck a little," Jeni said with a newly educated mind. "I would think all you need is some self-control. Of course, that's a bit of a stretch for you two."

  "Bite me, Jennifer." Resi's fangs poked out of her lined and glossed lips.

  "I think not. You're tainted."

  "I'd bite her if I thought she'd bite me back," Mom added.

  I turned a 'not now' look in Mom's direction, her neck the only one I was not interested in at the moment.

  Jeni frowned at us, her shoulders square, her jaw set. "If you're going to do this, I can't stop you. Anyone who messes with kids is fair game as far as I'm concerned. I'll search the Net to make sure you don't pick a junior high kid who got a blowjob from his girlfriend."

  "Well, if I were a vampire," JoAnn said, "I wouldn't kill anyone, nor would I drink blood."

  Once again, my pain in the ass sister just didn't have a clue.

  "JoAnn, go get Accidental Vampire and read it again, for Christ sake." Resi pointed in the appropriate direction as she sniffed at Zaire's neck. "It's in that basket over there." Zaire pushed her throat closer to Resi's lips, wiggling an eyebrow.