They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

by Susan Stec

  I growled, Resi moved her salivating mouth away.

  JoAnn glared at the book in question. "Oh, for the love of God, this is all so crazy. You're talking about killing people, for heaven's sake. Can't you find a way to do this like human beings?"

  Bats in the belfry.

  Mom waved her remarks away with an age-spotted hand.

  "We can all be vampires by next weekend." I licked my lips, my eyes now glued to JoAnn's neck.

  "I'll hit the emergency room up for more blood tonight. Then, it's my turn," Zaire shot Resi a big smile. Resi looked up at her, a small string of drool running down her chin.

  "I guess I'll read all those books," JoAnn said with a sigh. "There must be a way to do this without all the blood stuff."

  JoAnn clearly did not see the whole picture.

  "Two down and four to go," Resi said, her nose back in Zaire's neck.

  "Have you lost your math skills along with your mortal blood?" Jeni asked. "I am not dying any time soon."

  Resi whipped her eyes in Jeni's direction, fangs retracting. "So how'd the Internet research go? You figure out a way to stop us?"

  "Don't test me Resi," Jeni spat. "I know the blowtorch is in the garage."

  JoAnn's face jerked in the direction of the garage.

  Christ, I forgot about that. I made a mental note to move it to the shed. "That's enough. I think we all agree, no one is getting turned that doesn't want to be. She's just yanking your chain, Jeni."

  Mom was bent over the basket of fantasy books. "I've already read most of these. The ones filled with sex are the best." Mom grinned wickedly. "And if I can do all the stuff in these books, it's bye-bye dentures, so long Depends. I'm a dead-woman-fornicating."

  I grimaced, thinking of my mother's legs wrapped around anyone.

  "You'll all be blood suckers soon enough. Remember, patience is a virtue." Jeni frowned at her grandmother.

  "I'm not interested in being virtuous," Mom said stubbornly.

  I left them arguing and headed up to my bedroom, strung some old blankets over anything that would let light into the room, and dragged my huge dresser in front of my locked bedroom door. I really didn't think JoAnn or Jeni would try to kill me, but I wasn't taking any chances. I crawled under the covers and quickly fell into the deep slumber of the undead.

  Twelve hours later, the sun sinking behind the horizon on the other side of the lake, I headed back down to find out what everyone had been up to all day.

  Jeni shut the computer as I walked into the kitchen. "Well, we searched the internet for pedophile candidates. So far we have two possible prospects."

  "Yeah, and we're in the process of tracking them down," JoAnn added.

  I froze. "So you guys are onboard with all of this?" Way too easy. Something's up. My eyes darted around the room looking for the blowtorch.

  "Do we have a choice?" Jeni asked, and when I didn't answer she added, "I didn't think so."

  JoAnn smiled. "But at least we can control who you-"

  "In the meantime," Jeni interrupted, holding up computer print-outs, "I think, but I'm not sure, because this is all supposed to be fantasy, you may be able to drink without killing someone. I suggest you practice with the animals on the property first."

  "Yeah, you may not like killing," JoAnn piped up. "I mean, you should at least try not to, anyway."

  "Okay, so where's Resi? Did you tell her all this?" I was a bit concerned she hadn't protected herself from them.

  "Zaire ripped off another trash bag full of half-used blood," Jeni said. "She put it in the refrigerator and then ran downstairs to wake Resi right after she informed us she'd quit her job."

  ~~~~

  An hour later we were sitting around the living room, waiting for the girls to come up, perusing a few of the fantasy books.

  "When I die, I'm going to get laid," Mom said. "Yep, I'm gonna par-ty til' I walk like a bow-legged cowgirl on hot pavement. Where's that yoga video? I need to work on getting my ankles behind my ears." Mom pulled her spandex out of her ass and looked at my sister with an audacious grin.

  "You sound like a truck-stop floozy." JoAnn kicked her Nike clad feet up on the coffee table and crossed them. Her crew socks were scrunched down around each ankle with a matching fold on top that wasn't a smidgen off. "You know, now-a-days there's a lot of sexually transmitted diseases out there. You could get crotch rot."

  I stared at the pressed creases of her tan shorts - her crisp green t-shirt, sleeves creased with an edge sharp enough to slice through meat - tucked neatly into her shorts. I wanted to ruffle her perfectly coifed hair.

  JoAnn highlighted a line in Dead Witch Walking, and placed it on the couch next to Jeni, picking up another book.

  "Are you actually reading those books or are you just making colorful little marks on the pages?" Mom tossed Vampire Interrupted on the coffee table by JoAnn's feet and headed for the kitchen. "Vampires don't get sick, you bischero! You definitely take after your father's side of the family."

  "Where does it say that?" JoAnn shuffled through the pages of Renfield, Slave of Dracula.

  We heard the clink of glasses, the glug, glug, glug of something liquid pouring and then a grating scrape of glass against wood. Mom strolled back into the living room with four fingers of brown liquid in an old grape jelly jar. She took a sip, smacked her lips and let out a soft sigh.

  "What are you drinking, Nan?" Jeni lifted her head from Dead Until Dark. She turned a small triangle of page over and closed the book, laying her colored markers on the table beside her chair.

  "Some of the stuff Susan made for me. It tastes like Kahlua, and it makes me relax." Mom took another lip-smacking sip.

  "Umm, good for you." Jeni picked up Every Which Way but Dead.

  "That's because it's made with 100% grain alcohol, Mom," I said. "Go easy on that stuff or you'll fall down the stairs on your way to bed tonight." I studied JoAnn's throat as she leafed through her novel.

  "I only have one, maybe two-a-day, tops. It helps me sleep, Susan."

  A loud crash came from the girl's room downstairs and we all jumped to attention, books scattering on the floor.

  "All of you stay right here until I see what's going on." Did they listen? Hell no. They huddled at the top of the stairs.

  At the bedroom door, I was greeted by the tinkle of breaking glass. "Zaire, you ok? Resi, what the hell are you doing?"

  "I could use a little help in here, Mom!" Resi screeched from inside.

  I turned to the stairs when JoAnn moaned. Jeni put her arm around her, trying to comfort her, while Mom - on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum - looked way too excited.

  "Shit!" I grabbed the doorknob and slowly opened the door.

  Resi was lying across Zaire, her lips dripping blood. Zaire, her mouth as bloody as Resi's, was fighting her tooth and nail to get away.

  "What the hell did you do?" I jumped for the bed.

  "We wanted to share this moment alone. Bad idea?" Resi gritted her teeth.

  She had handcuffs wrapped around a large cherry wood column in the center of the headboard, one cuff attached to Zaire's wrist. She was trying frantically to capture Zaire's free arm for the other side of the cuff.

  I pulled at Zaire's hand, which held a fist full of Resi's hair in an immortal grip.

  Zaire hissed and yanked hard. Resi turned and glared at me. With a rumble in her chest, Zaire dug her fingers in deeper, lifted Resi's head, and spit at her.

  Resi cocked one eyebrow and threw her a look that I wanted to turn away from.

  "What the hell were you thinking?" I jerked Zaire's hand out of Resi's tangled hair, only to have her grab mine. I let out a screech as she yanked me around in front of her face.

  "Just hold her for Christ sake. We can argue later, damn it!" Resi spat.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Seven

  ~~~~

  I puffed a stray hair out of my eyes and checked the handcuffs. They were secure. "Watch her, I'm going to go get blood and
tell the others Zaire's a vampire."

  I opened the bedroom door and looked right into my mother's anxious face.

  "Did you just say Zaire's undead?" she asked, leaning around me.

  I grabbed her arm and pulled her little butt right back up the stairs, shoving her at Jeni. "Resi did Zaire and she's a bit wild. But we have her attached to the bed with some handcuffs. Now I need blood. Can one of you get me a few bags?"

  JoAnn did an about face and headed for the refrigerator.

  Zaire's obscenities hit the hall like a tidal wave. "Bitch, get these mother-fuckin' cuffs off me or I'll kill you a second time! I want some goddamn blood. Now!"

  "Be right there, Zaire!" my mother hollered, yanking her arm free from Jeni’s grasp and hobbling toward the stairs. I grabbed the back of her spandex as she sped by. I didn't expect her to rubber-band her way back to me. We both rolled down the stairs, hitting the bottom with a thump.

  Jeni stared down at us with an amused look.

  JoAnn rounded the corner with two bags of blood and I pulled them out of her hand. "Keep her out here," I ordered as I stepped over my mother.

  "Damn it, I'm willing and able!" Mom grabbed my leg and I bounced down the stairs. "You don't need the blood-bags, I tell ya!"

  I gave her a set of nasty eyebrows, picked up the bags of blood and pushed myself off the wall.

  The minute I entered the bedroom, Zaire's head jerked toward the bags in my hands. She let out a blood-curdling war-whoop and yanked hard on the cuffs, putting her feet and chest into it. Resi slid off her and onto the floor beside the bed.

  Zaire growled and immediately yanked at the cuffs again. I heard a splintering crunch as she tore the post from the bed, followed by shattered glass as it flew through the window on the other side of the room.

  Running footsteps pounded down the stairs.

  "Don't any of you come in here!" I dropped the bags of blood, slammed the door shut, locked it, then leapt at the bed.

  Unfortunately, Resi was flying in the same direction. Our heads banged together in a loud pop that had me seeing stars.

  Zaire grabbed my shirt with both hands and tossed me like rag doll. I flew across the room, slammed into the closet with a loud bang, taking the metal doors with me.

  "Open the goddamn door, Susan," the eighty-two-year-old-pain-in-my-ass yelled as she hammered the door, my head pounding with each bang.

  Zaire reacted to my mother's voice with a violent shriek, her head jerking toward the door.

  "Mom and I can handle this!" Resi screamed, trying to get control of Zaire.

  Zaire tossed Resi into the wall by the bed. Broken plaster sent intricate tributaries all the way to the ceiling as she slid to the floor. Resi’s fangs slipped from her gums and she hissed. With lightning speed, she flew toward the bed.

  The best catfight I'd ever seen ensued: hair pulling, nails scraping, hands slapping, teeth biting. It went on for several minutes before I scrambled out of the closet and jumped on the bed.

  "We need to get blood into her before she kills someone that isn't already dead." I looked at the two bags on the floor as I struggled to get on top of Zaire.

  "Well you should have thought about that when you were down there sitting right in front of them, for Christ sake!" Resi snapped at me from behind her hair. I glared back, pulling Zaire's teeth from my cheek.

  Banging fists jolted the bedroom door.

  "Nanna, back away from the door!" Jeni yelled.

  The banging stopped.

  Resi curled her lips at me, inhaling through her teeth. "She can't kill us Mom! Pick up the goddamned blood!"

  The very angry, very new immortal, began bucking her up, down, and sideways. Resi hung on to Zaire's tank top, riding her like a bronco, one arm grabbing for air, knees clamped at Zaire's hips.

  "Shit." I looked at my younger daughter with rage. "We need help!"

  Zaire bit my shoulder and I heard my clavicle crunch. My fangs slid from my gums and I sank them into her arm, shaking it like a dog with a play toy. She jerked her arm free, my teeth zinging from the assault.

  I reached for one of the bags with my foot and managed to pull it a bit closer, but it was slick and my toes couldn't get a grip.

  "I can't reach the blood, damn it," I grunted.

  Zaire tossed me sideways as she tried to get out from under both of us. Resi was still covering her hips.

  "JoAnn, I need your help in here!" I yelled at the closed door.

  "Oh, that's a good choice," Resi said sarcastically.

  I heard the scraping of metal, saw the knob turning and the door opened. Jeni had the key, tossing it in the air and catching it in her hand. JoAnn was the furthest from the door. Mom wiggled her fingers at me from behind Jeni.

  Zaire bucked and growled. Resi and I were splayed across her body, blood seeping on the white sheets from all of us.

  "I can't reach the bag of blood!" I glared at all three of them. They looked like the rest of the insensible furniture in the room.

  Jeni finally stepped forward and picked up a bag of blood. She tossed it toward me with a scowl. It hit Zaire in the head, sending her into another fit of rage. Resi went flying five feet in the air, landing against the dresser in a back-crunching slam. The mirror broke, sending glass shards over all of us.

  Jeni and JoAnn screeched. I slid to the floor.

  My mother let out a war-whooping scream, headed for the bed in a hobbled run and jumped over me onto Zaire's face. Zaire yanked at my mother's hair with a fierce roar. Mom's saggy arms fought Zaire like a little hellion. I got up and threw myself across Zaire's stomach.

  "Nanna! Get off of her!" Jeni grabbed my mother's foot, trying to pull her from the pile of writhing bodies. "Are you nuts? She'll kill you!"

  "Jennifer, you are not helping!" Mom kicked at Jeni's hand with her free foot. "Let me go, damn it! I know what I'm doing!"

  "Resi, get your undead ass over here and help Nanna," Jeni screamed, my mother now fighting both Jeni and Zaire for all she was worth.

  I looked at my sister plastered against the wall on the opposite side of the bedroom door. "You could help, JoAnn!" I hissed. She pushed back against the wall, shaking her head in a stupor.

  "Nanna, let go!" Jeni tugged on one of my mother's feet, the other pumping as if she were riding a bike.

  I grunted and scooted down Zaire's body, trying to keep her legs and stomach still while my mother struggled with her upper half. Resi jumped in a flying leap toward the pile of flailing limbs and landed on top of me, pushing the air out of my lungs.

  "Goddamn you, Resi," I grunted, sucking in some air as I wiggled out from under her, up Zaire's body and toward my mother. I was just about to help Jeni when Zaire stopped struggling.

  I let out a long breath of relief, thinking she'd finally passed out.

  Zaire made a muffled growl under my mother.

  "Ouch! Ooh, she bit me!" my mother said in an excited voice.

  Zaire sucked noisily.

  Jeni stood stock still, hands on hips, lips in a tight line between her nose and chin.

  "Oh, no! She's making Mom a Vampire! I can't watch this!" JoAnn slid down the wall and buried her face in her knees.

  Resi and I froze, glaring at each other, both looking like Buffy on a bad hair day.

  "What a cluster-flock," Jeni said, surveying the damage.

  "Sooomme-wheeere oo-ver the raaain-bow..." Nanna crooned, sounding like an old tired woman for the last time.

  "Okay, so I suppose Nanna has to drink from Zaire?" Jeni asked, her hands on her hips. "That should be interesting."

  "Son-of-a-bitch!" Zaire spat. "She friggin bit me! One of you get her goddamned fangs out of my arm!"

  "Or not," Jeni said.

  "She has fangs already?" I pouted.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Eight

  ~~~~

  Dorius lounged in the Micro Motel on Highway 441 in Leesburg. It was Sunday evening and the day was just about to wink out behind the parking lot. His eyes
danced around the asphyxiating room, stopping on the woman sleeping at his side.

  He'd spent most of the day waiting for an update from Paul, dozing on and off until the maid showed up and he decided to amend her title to room service. He always mixed feeding with sex and she delivered a luscious Latin apéritif. Her craving for sexual pleasure was almost as tantalizing as her blood.

  Dorius' chemistry didn't allow him to drink the processed blood that his company, BAMVC, sent out daily. He and the nine other Seraphs were allowed to hunt, but according to the almighty rules, not allowed to kill their mortal victims. Unfortunately, when a Seraph feeds, the blood lust is almost overpowering, making it hard not to kill the donor. Learning control took a lot of concentration. Having sex with the donor helped.

  It would be much easier if he could sip blood from a wineglass like his brother Marcus, basking in pretense. After fifteen hundred years of immortality, hunting Rogues and having to drink from humans, Dorius found it hard to pretend.

  He reached over and patted the ass of the naked maid. She yawned, stretched her long slender body and rolled over, smiling up at him. Her fingers trailed the fine line of black hair from his chest to the thick nest of curls cradling his manhood. She grinned at him, licking her pale lips.

  "You wouldn't want to play with that, sugar. It turns into a big, ugly monster at night."

  "Mmmm…yes…I see." The woman's mouth joined her hand, and she began to pleasure him again.

  Dorius laid back and closed his eyes. His fangs slid from his gums as his hand played over the softness of her hair. He pushed his thoughts into her mind, It's time for you to leave now, love. Be a good girl and get dressed.

  The woman pulled her mouth from his swollen shaft, her tongue teasing as she stared up at Dorius' unmoving lips. She shook her head, got up with jerky movements, dressed and walked away from the bed like a marionette. She wouldn't remember him the minute the door closed behind her.