Chapter Sixteen
Looking in the mirror reveals the puffy swollen eyes I knew were going to be unavoidable. If only it was supposed to be a sunny day, I could get away with wearing some shades. But not only is my love life gloomy as hell, so is the weather. The girls are going to drill me with questions I don’t want to answer. How can I tell them Alex cheated on me? We’re supposed to be the happy couple. I waited patiently for my time to come with Alex, and when it did, it didn’t last. In the end, I couldn’t keep him.
My eyes look like puddles. Splashing cold water on my face doesn’t help. I need to stop thinking about this, but every time I close my eyes, it’s like I’m watching my own private showing of Alex and some chick going at it. The mind can be a terrible thing. I need to make it go away, but how can I?
One class at a time. I can do this. I can make it through. I take a deep breath and open the door to Mrs. Centeno’s class. Keesh is already here and I drift over to our lab table. She doesn’t notice my bloodshot eyes, or my red chapped nose at first, but once I peel off my hat, she sees alright.
“Oh my gosh, Meggie,” she says, rubbing my back. “I’m so sorry.” Omigod, she knows. “I should have known you’d be a mess today. Did Alex leave last night or this morning? Don’t be sad. He’ll be back for Christmas in a couple of weeks.” Great. This is the perfect excuse for me moping around all day. Now, I don’t have to tell them. At least not right away.
“I know,” I say, fighting back tears. “It sucks.” Yes it does. I really need to talk to someone about this, but it can’t be the girls. They’d hate Alex for this—as they should—but I don’t hate him and I don’t want anyone else to either.
Buzz...buzzzzzz.
“See, he misses you already,” Keesh says, looking down at my phone.
Im a total jackass. Forgive me. I LOVE U.
She slaps me on the leg. “C’mon, Meg, suck it up girl. What’re you gonna do? Cry all day.” If she only knew, I just might.
The bell rings. I don’t text Alex back. What the heck would I say?
Math sucks.
Amy snickers as I enter the room. I make it a point to bump her with my backpack as I sit down. Today’s not the day to mess with me. I hope she can see that in my eyes.
“Trouble in paradise, Meggie,” she taunts me. I guess she didn’t get the don’t fuck with me message I was trying to telepathically send her.
“Whatever,” is all I can utter.
“So tell me, are you broken hearted right now because of Alex or Travis?” My teeth are clenched so tight, I feel like they could snap in half. “Don’t worry, you can have, Travie when I’m done with him, just like you did with Alex.” The nerve of this girl.
“Shut the hell up, Amy, leave her alone.” I look over and Eric is glaring at her. Oh, how nice of him to defend my honor. Between these two and Alex, I’m going to need a straight jacket because they’re driving me freaking nuts.
Class hasn’t started yet, but if this is any indication of what the rest of today is going to be like, I don’t need it. I slide out of my seat, take my bag, and walk out. I have no idea where I’m going but it’s not here.
Once I’m off campus, I dilly-dally my way to the Seven Eleven to get a Slurpee. That’ll make me feel better. Who am I kidding? No amount of sugar or chocolate is going to soothe this one.
I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to Alex, to work this out. But I can’t talk to him. It’s his fault I feel like this. It’s his fault I’m ditching school right now. I look like shit and I feel like shit, and it’s all his fault.
My cell feels like a boulder weighing me down as I try to figure out who to call. I start to dial Alex. I know he’s up. He just texted. I need to talk to him. I need to hear his voice.
“Megan,” he says, surprised but enthused.
I’m silent.
“Meggie, are you there?” he asks.
I still don’t say anything. I want to talk. I just don’t know what to say.
“I know you’re there, I can hear you breathing. If you want, we can just stay on the phone without saying anything,” he pauses, “until you’re ready.”
Silence.
“You know, I come home in three weeks. My finals are early so I have a longer break. Maybe we should wait till I get back. I’ll give you all the time you need.”
Silence.
“I wish you could understand how shitty I feel. I know I screwed up so badly. And I can tell you I’m sorry for the rest of our lives if you’ll let me. I promise I’ll do whatever you want so you can trust me again.”
How is that possible? I wonder. How can I trust him again?
“Meggie, where are you? You’re supposed to be at school. Are you at home?”
Why should he know where I’m at? Like I want to tell him I’ve just walked around the same block twice while I’ve been listening to him on the phone. I feel like a dumbass. I’m cold and I’m tired, and I’m probably going to get in trouble. I should just hang up, but I can’t. You’d think I’d just want to scream into the phone, but the sound of Alex’s voice is calming. I want to kill him right now, but I also love him.
“Meg, you gotta let me know where you’re at. You have to tell me your safe.”
“I’m walking around Seven Eleven. I couldn’t stay at school today.”
“Is Keesh with you?” He knows she’s the only one I skip class with.
“No.”
“You’re by yourself?”
“Yes.”
“Aw man, I should come home. I shouldn’t have left. I should be with you right now.” I can tell by his voice his face is all twisted up with worry. I want to wrap my arms around him to calm him. Omigod, he did this to me, and I want to comfort him. I’m stupid.
“I gotta go,” I tell him. If I stay on the phone any longer, he’s going to have me apologizing, saying everything is going to be alright.
“Okay, but promise me you’ll just go home. Don’t walk around the city alone.”
“Uhhmmm.”
“I love you,” he says, hopeful.
But I just hang up.
“Speak on it.” Oh goodness. When is he ever going to grow up?
“Hey, are you at school or busy?” I ask Ben.
“Nah, what up Megster?” He doesn’t know or else he wouldn’t be so upbeat right now.
Being blunt always works for Keesha and I don’t have time to beat around the bush. “Alex cheated on me and I need someone to talk to. Can you come and get me?”
Ben is here within minutes. Just enough time for me to go in and fill a Double Big Gulp full of Coca-Cola Slurpee. I truly hate regular Coke unless it’s in a slushy form.
“You okay?” he says when I get situated in his car.
“What do you think?”
He gets a good look at me. “Well I hope you feel better than you look.”
I smack him on the shoulder. “Thanks.”
“Either you didn’t know that Alex cheated or you knew and you just didn’t know that he told me. Which is it?”
“Honest to God, Meg, I didn’t know anything until you told me.” He crosses his heart. And I believe him. “But I called Alex on the way over here and he told me what happened.”
“And? What do you think?” Of course he’s going to side with Alex, his best friend. So why am I asking?
“Let’s get outta here before we get into this,” he says, before pulling out of the parking lot.
Ben drives me to the park, where we get out and sit on a bench overlooking what I call a fake lake.
“You okay? Do you want my jacket?” he asks.
“No, I’m good. The cool air feels good. Fresh.”
Ben puts his arm around me and hugs me. “I’m sorry, little one, this really sucks.”
“Tell me about it,” I say. “I’m sorry I called you, but I needed someone to talk to. And I don’t wanna tell Keesh and Steph. They’ll throw a shit fit, and want to kill Alex. Well, Keesh will. And then they’re going to hate him
and treat him like he’s a piece of crap. Not that he doesn’t deserve it, but I don’t want people to think badly of him.” I inhale a big gulp of air and exhale slowly. “But why should I care how he feels? He obviously doesn’t care how I feel. He cheated on me and then he tells me he loves me. That’s such crap.”
“Do you feel better now?” Ben smiles at me.
“Kinda.” I actually do. I needed to get something out. “So what’d he say?”
“He knows he fucked up, Meg. He’s a mess. He thinks he’s lost you. He sounds like he’s ready to slit his wrists. I’m worried about him.”
“You’re worried about him?” I yelp.
“I know, it shitty right. But he’s really torn up. He said he was wasted when it happened. Really wasted, like more than he ever has been before. I know it’s no excuse. But you know drunk ass people don’t always make the best choices.”
“Well he should have thought about that before he went out with his stupid ass roommates and chugged like a freaking idiot. And how do you know it only happened once? He’s been to more than one party.”
“He said it only happened that one time, and he hasn’t had a drink at school since then.”
“So you’re totally on his side on this. You think I should just be like, oh Alex, I forgive you.”
“No, I’m not on his side. I’m not on anyone’s side. I just know Alex. This is so unlike him. I’m still shocked as hell. And if he said it was only once, I believe him. “
“No kidding. She must have been some hot piece of ass. How can I trust he was only with that one chick and he hasn’t been with her again?”
“That’s easy. He doesn’t know who she is. Doesn’t even remember what she looks like. She could be anyone and he just doesn’t know. Can you imagine being so jacked up you never asked the girl her name and you don’t remember who she is?”
“Wow. Sounds like a real classy woman.”
“Yeah, some skank huh. She was probably just as drunk too.”
“So what would you do? What would you do if Vanessa cheated on you? Would you forgive her?” I ask, curious for his opinion.
“I wouldn’t want to, but I probably would. I love her a lot, and I’d probably wanna kick the dude’s ass, but I’m whipped.” He smiles, with a shrug.
“Well, I doubt you’ll ever have to worry. You get to see her whenever you want and I’m sure she’s keeping you plenty satisfied.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He seems like I’ve offended him.
“Gimme a break, Ben. Like you two aren’t getting busy. Maybe if I was screwing Alex, he wouldn’t have gone looking for someone else to take care of him.”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m not having sex with Vanessa. She’s pretty old fashioned and she wants to wait till she gets married.” I practically spit out my drink. Vanessa—old fashioned? C’mon. “I’m not saying we don’t do other things. Just not that.” Now I feel bad for saying mean things about her last year. She’s a good girl. “I don’t think it would’ve mattered if you and Alex were doing it. This wasn’t about him being horny, Meg. I honestly think he was feeling like shit and homesick and he drank way too much.”
“So it’s okay because he was drunk?”
“No, it’s not okay. But I don’t want you to think you have to have sex with a guy to keep him happy so he doesn’t cheat on you.”
“What am I going to do? Look what he did to me and I still miss him so much, and all I want to do is talk to him. I want things to go back to the way they were.”
He hugs me again. This time I rest my head on his shoulder. “Well that should tell you something right there. You’re not ready for it to be over. Try to forgive him. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth a try.”
Chapter Seventeen
The girls have been texting me all day wondering why I boned out of math so suddenly. I told them about Amy’s shit talking. Keesh wants to put glue in her Victoria’s Secret body lotion. Steph says to ignore her. I like Keesh’s idea better. I still let them believe I’m upset about Alex leaving, instead of filling them in on the truth. I just can’t bring myself to tell them he cheated on me.
Dad’s pissed at me for ditching practically the entire day of school. I don’t get the chance to intercept the call from school in time, so he hears the message informing parents their student was absent for one or more periods today. He catches me off guard when he asks me about it. I can’t come up with a good lie on the spot. Normally, I would’ve been able to, but my game isn’t the best right now.
So I gave him the same story I worked with Keesh and Steph, I’m super sad about Alex leaving and I didn’t want to be at school looking hellish like I’d suffered through a ten round fight. Both he and Mom said they would’ve understood and let me stay home. But since I was truant from school, I’d have to suffer the consequences. For the first time in like forever, I’m grounded from going out. I can still use my phone, and all my other devices at home. I just can’t go out.
Being on restriction totally bites. I’m confined to my house and school for three weeks. Three weeks! Stuck in the house thinking about Alex and what he did. Without anything to take my mind off of him but my cell phone and email. That’s the problem though. The only person I want to talk to is him. How can I get my mind off him and get through this agony when I need him to comfort me. That totally doesn’t make any sense, I know.
I’m convinced I’m weak. If I were stronger, I would tell Alex to take a hike and kiss my ass. But I can’t. If I were stronger, I’d move on and find someone else. But I can’t. If I were stronger, Alex would’ve been sitting home like a little puppy and never have gone out in the first place. But he didn’t. I want to hurt him. But…I still want to love him.
First weekend after break and my parents show no sign of caving on my sentence. I hang around the dinner table waiting for them to ask about my plans for the evening, but they don’t mention a thing.
“Well, Meggie,” says Mom. “Your dad and I are going to watch some movies tonight if you want to join us.” She smiles as to make light of the fact that this is the best she can offer.
I give her a fake smile back. “Sounds like loads of fun, but I think I’ll just chill in my room.”
Dad stands up and follows Mom into the family room. “Have fun then, honey.” Don’t honey me. As if I can have fun on a Friday night alone in my bedroom. Whooopeee.
My room is still and lonely. I can’t remember the last time I spent a weekend alone in my own room. There have been plenty of times when the girls and I decided to just kick it and have an old-fashioned slumber party, but this isn’t like that. Keesh isn’t here doing my toes. Steph isn’t here making me a banana split. No one to talk to about guys or make plans with for the next party. There isn’t even a next party for me to go to. Not for awhile anyway.
My phone chimes with a text.
MISS U.
I want to tell Alex I miss him too. I just can’t. It’s a terrible feeling to not be able to share with him what I’m thinking. Okay is all I can let my fingers text back.
i hear ur grounded. can u talk on the phone?
yes
can I call u then?
Instantly, I want to shout from the rooftop…Yes. Call me. I’m dying to hear your voice. I hesitate, pondering how desperate I will sound.
I guess
That sounds so much better than an emphatic YES, even though it’s what I’m thinking.
The phone rings seconds later and I have to stop myself from answering before the first ring is even over.
Cautiously, I answer my cell. “Hello.”
“Hi, Megan.” He only uses my whole name when he’s serious, and loving. It’s like a term of endearment for him. “It’s nice to hear your voice.”
“Uhhuh,” I mutter.
“I talked to Ben. Is that okay?” He speaks quietly.
“Yeah, whatever.”
“He thinks we still have something. He thinks we can work this out.
” I don’t say anything to this news. But he continues, “What do you think?”
I wipe a tear that rolls down my right cheek. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop them from coming. It’s like my tears have a mind of their own. They’re uncontrollable.
“I understand if you don’t want to talk to me.” He pauses. “But I have to keep trying.”
“Do you really think it’s worth the trouble? Or the heartbreak?”
“Babe, you’re worth any amount of trouble, and if we work it out, we won’t have to worry about heartbreak. Things can be good again,” he pleads.
“I wanna believe you,” I cry.
“Meg, you can believe me. I’ll never hurt you again. I can’t even get over what I did, so I know it’s tough for you. But I just can’t let you go.”
“I don’t want to let you go either. But how can I trust it isn’t gonna happen the next time you go out drinking with your friends. Seriously, you’re a big boy, you know what you’re doing. You know what’s right.”
“You’re absolutely right, Meg. But I can honestly say it won’t happen again. I made a mistake and now I’m suffering the consequences, and I hurt you. Nothing I did that night is worth the pain I’ve caused you or myself. I love you. I really do. And I think our love is something different than the kind of high school puppy love people have. We’re different. So it makes it all the more important for us to give it a second chance. If you still hate me in a few months, then so be it. I’ll be on my way, but at least give me a second chance. C’mon, Megan, I love you.” He’s out of breath, like he’s pleading for his life.
“I don’t hate you, Alex.”
“You don’t?” he says, surprised.
“No, I don’t. Love, the kind of love you say we have, doesn’t just go away that easily.” Looking up at the ceiling, watching the blades of the fan go round and round, I smile at the thought of our love.
Double Threat My Bleep (Double Threat Series) Page 10