by Anne Tenino
Not that you couldn’t find a hairy girl or two around if you looked, but it wasn’t the same somehow.
In high school, he’d been middle of the road on gender. Except he’d never done anything about his attraction to guys, afraid his father would find out. And when he finally did go to bed with a guy in college he realized what he’d been missing. Girls held less than half his attention after that. Once he’d gotten the implant, he really wasn’t much interested in women at all. That was gonna be a disappointment to his pop, not that the old bastard would be into a daughter-in-law anymore than he was his son.
As if Matt could read his mind—sometimes James wondered—he said, “Tell me about your dad. You know about my family, but I don’t know jack about yours. Except your mom died when you were young and your grandmother lived with you.”
James went for the truth. “My mom didn’t die until I was nineteen. She left me and Pop and moved back to Idaho when I was three. She wasn’t exactly a Blue sympathizer. Hated Oregon. Gramma just died a couple years ago.”
Matt was silent, just running his hand up and down James’s back. “I think she might have tried to see me a few times when I was a teenager, but Gramma Ayala was a woman who could hold a grudge. So I never saw her. Christmas cards and stuff, but not much else.
“Pop was just….” James shrugged. “He was conservative, but not enough to move to the Red.”
“Too conservative to tell him you were gay.”
“Yeah.” He sighed. “I wasn’t really gay in high school. More part of the ‘queer spectrum’.”
“What are you now?”
James smiled against Matt’s neck and gave his jaw a little nip. “Now I’m pretty much gay.” He could see Matt’s skin prickle after he nipped, so he did it again. Then he licked the prickles away. Except licking and blowing on them seemed to turn them into full-blown goose bumps.
“So, what was your problem with me?” Matt had sounded so calm before.
Carefully James probed Matt’s feelings. Still mostly open to him. Orgasms seemed to be useful for that. Not surprisingly, the high school thing still rankled. James knew Matt wasn’t with him for revenge, no matter what he’d said yesterday, but he could feel that Matt wasn’t so confident about his own desirability. At least when it came to James. Matt knew he was generally sex on a stick. James’s stick from now on, if he had any say about it.
James propped himself up on his elbow and looked down into Matt’s clear blue eyes. “My problem was I wanted you. I wanted other guys, occasionally, but more because they were available. I wanted you for you, not just because you were so hot—I thought you were, and still do—but because I liked you. It seemed like I was just starting to think maybe we could get together and I walked into that fucking machine shed and you were….”
James shrugged, uncomfortable saying any of this, but especially explaining his reaction to that. “I flipped. Facing just how much I wanted you freaked me out. I went into denial about it all. Didn’t want to be gay or bi or queer. It was a very mature, logical, unemotional reaction. The kind I’m famous for having.”
“For such an unemotional guy, you sure explain yourself well.” Matt was staring up at him, slipping one hand into his hair and carding it.
“The implant changed things. I accepted myself more, because I could sense how little it meant to people. And I can explain how I feel better because I can sense how other people feel, and how not being clear can fuck things up so much.
“For some reason, the implant made me even more attracted to men. And Christ in a bi-plane, I keep thinking we aren’t going to talk about it and I’m not going to think about it, and everything keeps coming back to that fucking implant.”
“Soooo,” Matt grinned at him, “let’s not talk anymore.” He pulled James down for a kiss. They kissed a while, James losing himself again like he had in the shower the night before. Then Matt pulled away, moving first to flick at his earlobe then move down his neck, scooting down the bed a little on his back, and then rolling over on top of James, forcing him down onto the bed.
Working his way down James’s body, Matt hit all the highlights, and most of the spots in between, with fingers and mouth. He was petting the inside of James’s thighs, breath hot and humid on his dick, and James was so ready to feel that tongue when Matt started shifting around.
And before James could really figure out what was happening, he had Matt’s long, thin, strangely graceful prick in his face. It sort of matched his nipples, pinkish in color. “Love your skin,” James rumbled, licking around the head.
“Mmmm?” Matt’s mouth was full, and it was distracting as hell.
“Your skin’s pale, flushes pink when you get hard, or turned on, or come.” James reached out his tongue and licked a drop of pre-come off the tip of Matt’s dick. Salty and bitter and a little bit sweet. Perfect.
Soon, James had Matt’s prick grazing his throat and two fingers inside him, intentionally avoiding his prostate. Matt was squirming and whimpering, and had abandoned James’s dick and was sucking his balls into his mouth, one at a time. Then he moved farther down, licking along the perineum. He worked his tongue back to the puckered skin in James’s crack and James moaned and opened his legs wide, bending his knees.
Fuck, he loved being rimmed. Matt’s tongue was wet and warm, and he sealed his lips around James’s skin and sucked. James spread his legs wider, swallowing Matt down as far as he could, wanting more of Matt in him. Finally, Matt wiggled his tongue into James’s hole a little. “Mmmmmm.” He jerked a little, brushing the fingers inside Matt over his prostate. Matt moaned.
Matt was tongue-fucking him, and James reached down and started jerking himself. He used his fingers on Matt mercilessly, wanting to make him come in his mouth. “James,” Matt said, panting. “Gonna come.” James sucked harder, swallowing on him and pushing in with his fingers, rubbing and twisting and stroking.
Another long groan, and Matt was coming in his mouth. James swallowed it all down, sucking him hard and finger-fucking gently until he was done. Matt tasted like the ocean should, only cleaner. James was still jerking himself the whole time, but Matt had lost his concentration when he started coming.
James started pulling harder, intending to bring himself off, but Matt grabbed his hand. “Wait,” he panted. Then he rolled onto his back and brought James over him, scooting him down a little so he could reach his asshole easier.
Matt grabbed James’s ass and spread his cheeks, diving back in with his tongue. James propped himself up on one hand, unable to stop himself from backing into Matt’s tongue. He pulled on his dick harder and faster, and within a minute he was coming all over Matt’s abs.
Matt kept tongue-fucking him until James moved himself off, collapsing onto the bed, panting and gasping. “Fuck that was good,” he said once he had the wind.
Matt had come all over him, and looking at James, he swiped some up with his finger and stuck it in his mouth. James groaned. Matt grinned. Pearl knocked on the door and walked in.
Chapter 17
WHEN Pearl came back that evening with dinner, she knocked and waited for one of them to open up for her. Matt smiled. James blushed. It was cute as hell.
She’d gotten quite an eyeful when she brought them breakfast and had done her usual knock-and-walk-in routine. Fortunately, she’d also brought them sandwiches for later, so she hadn’t had to come back before now.
James hadn’t left all day, even though he could have. Matt couldn’t leave, of course, since he was supposed to be James’s sick wife.
They’d found ways to pass the time. They’d just gotten out of the shower when Pearl showed up with food. It was beef stew, salad, and rolls. Matt was nearly ecstatic.
It turned out to be their last meal at the convent.
It was one of Matt’s better last meals. He might have enjoyed it less if he’d known.
After they ate, they were lying on the bed. James was half-dressed, in a clean pair of camos. Matt was nude, ly
ing on his stomach, head pillowed on his good arm, the other hand inspecting James’s naked feet. He’d never had any idea feet were so sexy. James’s toes were… well, they were beautiful. He was stroking them with his fingertips, underneath where the skin was soft and especially sensitive. Thinking about running his tongue around them, in between them, flicking at that little webbing. James had just taken a shower. Matt sniffed experimentally.
For God’s sake, he’d licked the guy’s asshole; he could suck his toes. He’d just opened his mouth and leaned in when James ran a finger down his spine. Matt shut his mouth with a snap, holding himself at quivering attention, waiting for more of that touch.
James did it again. Then again, this time running his finger down all the way to Matt’s tailbone, between his cheeks. Then he traced soft, almost nonexistent patterns on the sensitive skin there with a finger. Matt’s whole body slowly tensed, ratcheting up into shivering awareness. He could feel the goose bumps sweep across his lower back.
“Mmmmm,” James rumbled. “Love it when you do that.”
“What?” Matt asked with a little gasp. Was he doing something?
“Get goose bumps. Love your skin. Your face and hands and arms are kinda tan, but the rest of you is so pale. You’re tough and kinda… sinewy, but your skin is almost delicate. And you flush pink for me when I touch you.”
“I’m sinewy and delicate?” Matt was laughing a little. And not sure he liked the description.
“Shut up,” James said roughly, and pressed down hard on the skin just above his hole with his thumb.
“Ngh.” Matt’s head shot up, supporting his upper body on his arms. He was afraid a whimper might have escaped him. All the muscles in his lower body tensed up involuntarily, tilting his ass up to James’s hand. He spread his legs slightly.
Then he threw in a little hip swivel, just for good measure. James laughed softly, and lifted his thumb off him. After a second, Matt collapsed back on the bed, disappointed.
But then James’s feet disappeared, and Matt could feel his warm weight coming down over his back. James didn’t have his shirt on, and Matt could feel the hair rubbing his back, and imagined he could feel James’s nipples getting hard and rubbing against him also.
James’s lips were on the nape of Matt’s neck. He could feel the hard ridge of James’s erection settling against his ass, his hips rocking gently. “Your back is so sensitive,” he said into Matt’s skin. Matt shivered at the warm, moist heat. “It’s like one giant erogenous zone.”
Matt felt himself flushing a little, but also shivered in anticipation. “Always been like that. Don’t know why. Looking at backs turns me on too. You have a sexy back.” He stretched his neck, turning his head, and gave James a kiss.
“I have a sexy back?”
“Yeah. Broad shoulders, muscle definition, and it all narrows down and dips into your lower back. You have back dimples right above your ass. ’S hot.”
“Mmmm, you’re hot,” James murmured, nibbling on his neck again.
“Fuck,” Matt moaned. “Do me.” He wiggled his ass up into James for emphasis.
James’s reaction was not what Matt expected. He laughed.
“Why’re you laughing?” Matt didn’t know whether to be embarrassed, pissed, or amused.
“You make me laugh. You think you give up control in sex, but you don’t, not totally.”
“I can’t ask for it if I want you in control?”
“Yeah, you can ask. Or demand. ’S fine.” James nibbled at his neck more.
Matt ignored the shivering and prickle it caused, and asked for clarification. “So, how don’t I give up control?” He could feel James shrug.
“Don’t know, not really. Just get that feeling.” He was only half listening. Matt shoved a shoulder blade into him, trying to get his attention. James stopped.
“You mean, you pick it up from my mind?”
“Yeah, I guess. Like, you’d like to really let go, but you can’t yet or something. Not a big deal, Matt. You have to go with what turns you on. You’ll do it eventually with me, if you want it.”
Matt could feel James breathing on the back of his neck, waiting. He dropped his head down and rubbed his forehead against his fist. He didn’t focus on the implied continuation of the relationship. He tried not to focus on whether he was “letting go.”
“Why does that bother you?” James asked when Matt remained silent, just rubbing his forehead.
“Don’t know. In a way, it doesn’t. I mean, wanting that—to give up control and have someone else make me react—is kinda weird in the first place, right? So why should it bug me that I’m not as into it as I thought I was?”
“’S not weird, Matt. Just the way you’re wired. We have hot sex, and I think we’re both into it, so does it matter how we get there?”
“Why am I wired that way?”
“How would I know?” James was starting to sound a little bit irritated, but Matt was fixated on it now. “I can’t tell you where you got the desire to give up control. I think you’re way too focused on why. Maybe it’s just like being gay, maybe there’s a submission gene.”
Matt snorted out a laugh through his nose. “Like one of my parents gave it to me? Jesus, my money’s on my dad. I bet in the bedroom—Gah! What am I saying?!”
James laughed at Matt’s expression of revulsion and horror. “I thought it was kinda funny.”
“Yeah, you won’t the next time you see my dad.” Matt was annoyed with him for laughing. James swallowed uncomfortably, his amusement melting away.
Matt wasn’t ready to give up on the control discussion. “I wasn’t like, abused or anything. The only person in my life who ever really made me feel bad for my sexual preferences was you.”
Matt realized his mistake immediately. James stiffened and started to push off. “James, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
James froze. “Like what? I can’t be the only guy in Weimer who gave you shit for being gay. It’s got to be one of the last pockets of homophobia left in Oregon.” He sounded annoyed, but not truly pissed.
Matt was more concerned about hurting James than whether he was mad. “You weren’t the only guy. It was just worse with you.” He could sense James’s confusion. “I don’t remember anyone else ever calling me a fag. I’m not saying no one did,” he added quickly. “It’s just that when you did it made me feel awful.” Matt’s turn to shrug. “You were the only guy who was my friend first.” The only guy he’d had a major crush on who turned on him.
“You had a thing for me?” James, of course, picked up on what Matt didn’t actually say.
He sighed. “Yeah,” Matt admitted quietly.
“You know I had a thing for you, right?”
“Um, yeah. Got that.”
This all seemed to settle things for James. He propped himself on his elbows over Matt again, waiting.
“What?” Matt finally broke down and asked.
“So, the control issue….”
“Good lord, what kind of guy are you? You want to talk while I’m offering you my ass?”
James laughed. When he sobered a little, he told a disgruntled Matt, “Yeah. You won’t have a good time if you’re worrying about how much control you’re giving me and whether that’s okay, and I won’t be able to not know you’re not having a good time.”
Matt rolled out from under him. Suddenly he was pissed. “Great. Now I’m fucking up the sex for you too.” He stalked over to his pack and started to dress.
“’S not your fault, Matt.” James was quiet, but Matt could hear him. “I want you to have a good time. I don’t care if you’re submissive or whatever. Doesn’t make me see you any differently.”
Matt made the effort to shut his mind down completely. It was too embarrassing. And made him vulnerable. Because he knew two things were worrying him, and he didn’t want James to know about either. First, how did James see him if Matt’s being submissive didn’t change anything? And second, did Matt’s hesitation
to give up complete control mean he didn’t truly trust James?
He knew it was fucked up. If James saw him as weak and—shudder—slightly effeminate because he wanted to be dominated in bed, did that mean James saw him out of bed that way? And if Matt was worried about being seen as weak, why the hell did it bug him that he was afraid he wasn’t acting submissive (i.e., weak) enough?
It was all about trust. He didn’t know who he didn’t trust enough, James or himself.
“James. I just need to think.” He looked back at the bed. James was watching him closely. His expression was that blank, emotionless one he used to cut himself off from everyone. Matt wanted the guy who showed him how he felt back. Jesus, he’d just fucked everything up, hadn’t he?
He walked back to the bed and ran a finger along James’s jaw. “Sorry,” he whispered. He leaned down and kissed James’s cheek. When Matt stood up, he saw something in James’s eyes. Some kind of understanding. Of what, he didn’t know. James gave him a curt nod.
“’S’okay.” When Matt turned away to get his razor, James surprised him by giving him a pat on the ass. He looked back over his shoulder. James quirked a lip at him.
Maybe it really was okay. Matt went in to shave and think about it.
PEARL came back at 2200. An hour before they were supposed to leave for check-in. She came not only with supplies to work on Matt’s shoulder, but with miscellaneous tech, a DEW pistol for James and, most ominously, Carmella.
“I need to check how far along you are. I’m going to put a dermaweb on your shoulder and seal it. It looks like you need to leave tonight.” Pearl started talking in a low voice before Carmella had cleared the door.
“What happened?” James wanted to know, instantly alert.
“Mother Superior told us that we’re going to have to billet a government militia strike-team. The advance detail should be here tonight to sweep the convent. The rest should arrive sometime tomorrow. Apparently they’re looking for RIA fugitives.”