by Orhan Pamuk
Thinking of my childhood, I allowed my attention to be absorbed by the furniture and objects within the house. From twelve years ago, I still remembered the blue kilim from Kula covering the floor, the copper ewer, the coffee set and tray, the copper pail and the delicate coffee cups that had come all the way from China by way of Portugal, as my late aunt had boasted numerous times. These effects, like the low X-shaped reading desk inlaid with mother-of-pearl, the stand for a turban nailed to the wall, the red velvet pillow whose smoothness I recalled as soon as I touched it, were from the house in Aksaray where I’d passed my childhood with Shekure, and they still carried something of the bliss of my days of painting in that house.
Painting and happiness. I would like my dear readers who have given close attention to my story and my fate to bear these two things in mind, as they are the genesis of my world. At one time, I was contented here, among these books, calligraphy brushes and paintings. Then, I fell in love and was banished from this Paradise. In the years I endured my amorous exile, I often thought how I was in fact deeply indebted to Shekure and my love for her, because they had enabled me to adapt optimistically to life and the world. Since I had, in my childlike naïveté, no doubt that my love would be reciprocated, I grew exceedingly assured and came to regard the world as a good place. You see, it was with this same earnestness that I involved myself with books and came to love them, to love the reading my Enishte required of me back then, my religious school lessons and my illustrating and painting. But as much as I owed the sunny, festive and more fertile first half of my education to the love I felt for Shekure, I owed the dark knowledge that poisoned the latter time to being rejected; my desire on icy nights to sputter out and vanish like the dying flames in the iron stoves of a caravansary, repeatedly dreaming after a night of love that I was plunging into a desolate abyss along with whichever woman lay beside me, and the notion that I was simply worthless — all of it was furnished by Shekure.
“Were you aware,” my Enishte said much later, “that after death our souls will be able to meet with the spirits of men and women in this world who are peacefully asleep in their beds?”
“No, I was not.”
“We take a long journey after death, so I’m not afraid of dying. What I fear is dying before I finish Our Sultan’s book.”
Part of me felt I was stronger, more reasonable and more reliable than my Enishte, and part of me was dwelling on the cost of the caftan that I’d purchased on my way here to meet with this man who’d denied me his daughter’s hand and on the silver bridle and hand-worked saddle of the horse which, soon after going downstairs, I’d take out of the stable and ride away.
I told him I’d apprise him of everything I learned during my visits to the various miniaturists. I kissed his hand and brought it to my forehead. I walked down the stairs, entered the courtyard, and sensing the snowy cold upon me, accepted that I was neither a child nor an old man: I joyously felt the world upon my skin. As I shut the stable door, a breeze began to stir. I led my white horse by the bridle over the stone walkway to the earthen part of the courtyard, and we both shuddered: I felt as if his strong, large-veined legs, his impatience and his stubbornness were my own. As soon as we entered the street, I was about to swiftly mount my steed and disappear down the narrow way like a fabled horseman, never to return again, when an enormous woman, a Jewess dressed all in pink and carrying a bundle, appeared out of nowhere and accosted me. She was as large and wide as an armoire. Yet she was boisterous, lively and even coquettish.
“My brave man, my young hero, I see you’re truly as handsome as they say you are,” she said. “Might you be married? Or might you be a bachelor? Would you deign to buy a silk handkerchief for your secret lover from Esther, Istanbul’s premier peddler of fine cloth?”
“Nay.”
“A red sash of Atlas silk?”
“Nay.”
“Don’t go on piping “nay” at me like that! How could a brave heart like you not have a fiancée or a secret lover? Who knows how many teary-eyed maidens are burning with desire for you?”
Her body lengthened like the slender form of an acrobat and she leaned toward me with an elegant gesture. At the same time, with the skill of a magician who plucks objects out of thin air, she caused a letter to appear in her hand. I stealthily grabbed it, and as if I’d been training for this moment for years, I hastily and artfully placed it into my sash. It was a thick letter and felt like fire against the icy skin of my side, between my belly and back.
“Ride at an amble,” said Esther the clothes peddler. “Turn right at the corner, following the curve of the wall without breaking stride, but when you get to the pomegranate tree turn and look at the house you’ve just left, at the window to your right.”
She went on her way and vanished in an instant.
I mounted the horse, but like a novice doing so for the first time. My heart was racing, my mind was overcome by excitement, my hands had forgotten how to control the reins, but when my legs tightly gripped the horse’s body, sound reason and skill took control of my horse and me, and as Esther had instructed, my wise horse ambled steadily and, how lovely, we turned right onto the sidestreet!
It was then that I felt I might in truth be handsome. As in fairy tales, from behind every shutter and every latticed window, a coy woman was watching me and I felt I might burn once again with that same fire that had once consumed me. Is this what I desired? Was I succumbing anew to the illness from which I’d suffered for so many years? The sun suddenly broke through the clouds, startling me.
Where was the pomegranate tree? Was it this thin, melancholy tree here? Yes! I turned slightly to the right in my saddle. I saw a window behind the tree, but there was nobody there. I’d been duped by that wench Esther!
Just as I was thinking such thoughts, the window’s iced-over shutters opened with a loud burst, as if they’d exploded, and after twelve years, I saw my beloved’s stunning face among snowy branches, framed by the window whose icy trim shone brightly in the sunlight.
Was my dark-eyed beloved looking at me or at another life beyond me? I couldn’t tell whether she was sad or smiling or smiling sadly. Foolish horse, heed not my heart, slow down! I calmly twisted in my saddle again, fixing my desirous stare for as long as possible, until her gaunt, elegant and mysterious face disappeared behind the branches.
Much later, after opening her letter and seeing the illustration within, I thought how my visit to her at the window on horseback closely resembled that moment, pictured a thousand times, in which Hüsrev visits Shirin beneath her window — only in our case, there was that melancholy tree between us. When I recognized this similarity, oh how I burned with a love such as they describe in those books we so cherish and adore.
EIGHT
I AM ESTHER
All of you, I know, are wondering what Shekure penned in that letter I presented to Black. As this was also a curiosity of mine, I learned everything there was to know. If you would, then, pretend you’re flipping back through the pages of the story and let me tell you what occurred before I delivered that letter.
Now, it’s getting on toward evening, I’ve retired to our house in the quaint little Jewish quarter at the mouth of the Golden Horn with my husband Nesim, two old people huffing and puffing, trying to keep warm by feeding logs into the stove. Pay no mind to my calling myself “old.” When I load my wares — items cheap and precious alike, certain to lure the ladies, rings, earrings, necklaces and baubles — into the folds of silk handkerchiefs, gloves, sheets and the colorful shirt cloth sent over in Portuguese ships, when I shoulder that bundle, Esther’s a ladle and Istanbul’s a kettle, and there’s nary a street I don’t visit. There isn’t a word of gossip or letter that I haven’t carried from one door to the next, and I’ve played matchmaker to half the maidens of Istanbul, but I didn’t begin this recital to brag. As I was saying, we were taking our ease in the evening, and “rap, rap” someone was at the door. I went and opened it to discover Hayriye, that id
iot slave girl, standing before me. She held a letter in her hand. I couldn’t tell whether it was from the cold or from excitement, but she was trembling as she explained Shekure’s wishes.
At first, I assumed this letter was to be taken to Hasan, that’s why I was so astonished. You know about pretty Shekure’s husband, the one who never returned from the war — if you ask me, he’s long since had his hide pierced. Well you see, that never-to-return soldier-husband also has an eager, lovesick brother by the name of Hasan. So imagine my surprise when I saw that Shekure’s letter wasn’t meant for Hasan, but for someone else. What did the letter say? Esther was mad with curiosity, and in the end, I did succeed in reading it.
But alas, we don’t know each other that well, do we? To be honest, I was overcome with embarrassment and worry. How I read the letter you’ll never know. Maybe you’ll shame and belittle me for my meddling — as if you yourselves aren’t as nosy as barbers. I’ll just relate to you what I learned from reading the letter. This is what sweet Shekure had written:
Black Effendi, you’re a visitor to my house thanks to your close relations with my father. But don’t expect a nod from me. Much has happened since you left. I was wed, and have two strong and spirited sons. One of them is Orhan, he’s the one whom you saw just now come to the workshop. While I’ve been awating the return of my husband these four years, little else has entered my thoughts. I might feel lonely, hopeless and weak living with my two children and an elderly father. I miss the strength and protection of a man, but let no one assume he might take advantage of my situation. Therefore, it would please me if you ceased calling on us. You did embarrass me once before, and afterward, I had to endure much suffering to regain my honor in my father’s eyes! Along with this letter, I’m also returning the picture you painted and sent to me when you were an impulsive youth with his wits not yet about him. I do this so you won’t harbor any false hopes or misread any signs. It’s a mistake to believe that one could fall in love gazing at a picture. It’d be best if you stopped coming to our house completely.
My poor Shekure, you’re neither a nobleman nor a pasha with a fancy seal to stamp your letter! At the bottom of the page, she signed the first letter of her name, which looked like a small, frightened bird. Nothing more.
I said “seal.” You’re probably wondering how I open and close these wax-sealed letters. But in fact the letters aren’t sealed at all. “That Esther is an illiterate Jew,” my dear Shekure had assumed. “She’ll never understand my writing.” True, I can’t read what’s written, but I can always have someone else read it. And as for what’s not written, I can quite readily “read” that myself. Confused, are you?
Let me put it this way, so even the most thick-headed of you will understand:
A letter doesn’t communicate by words alone. A letter, just like a book, can be read by smelling it, touching it and fondling it. Thereby, intelligent folk will say, “Go on then, read what the letter tells you!” whereas the dull-witted will say, “Go on then, read what he’s written!” Listen, now, to what else Shekure said:
Though I’ve sent this letter in secret, by relying on Esther, who’s made letter-delivery a matter of commerce and custom, I’m signifying that I don’t intend to conceal that much at all.
That I’ve folded it up like a French pastry implies secrecy and mystery, true. But the letter isn’t sealed and there’s a huge picture enclosed. The apparent implication is, “Pray, keep our secret at all costs,” which more befits an invitation to love than a letter of rebuke.
Furthermore, the smell of the letter confirms this interpretation. The fragrance was faint enough to be ambiguous — did she intentionally perfume the letter? — yet alluring enough to fire readers’ curiosity — is this the aroma of attar or the smell of her hand? And a fragrance, which was enough to enrapture the poor man who read the letter to me, will surely have the same effect on Black.
I am Esther, who knows neither how to read nor write, but this I do know: Although the flow of the script and the handwriting seems to say “Alas, I am rushed, I am writing carelessly and without paying serious attention,” these letters that twitter elegantly as if caught in a gentle breeze convey the exact opposite message. Even her phrase “just now come” when referring to Orhan, implying that the letter was written at that very moment, betrays a ploy no less obvious than care taken in each line.
The picture sent along with the letter depicts pretty Shirin gazing at handsome Hüsrev’s image and falling in love, as told in the story that even I, Esther the Jewess, know well. All the lovelorn ladies of Istanbul adore this story, but never have I known someone to send an illustration relating to it.
It happens all the time to you fortunate literate people: A maiden who can’t read begs you to read a love letter she’s received. The letter is so surprising, exciting and disturbing that its owner, though embarrassed at your becoming privy to her most intimate affairs, ashamed and distraught, asks you all the same to read it once more. You read it again. In the end, you’ve read the letter so many times that both of you have memorized it. Before long, she’ll take the letter in her hands and ask, “Did he make that statement there?” and “Did he say that here?” As you point to the appropriate places, she’ll pore over those passages, still unable to make sense of the words there. As she stares at the curvy letters of the words, sometimes I am so moved I forget that I myself can’t read or write and feel the urge to embrace those illiterate maidens whose tears fall to the page.
Then there are those truly accursed letter-readers; pray, don’t you turn out to be like one of them: When the maiden takes the letter in her own hands to touch it again, desiring to look at it without understanding which words were spoken where, these beasts will say to her, “What are you trying to do? You can’t read, what more do you want to look at?” Some of them won’t even return the letter, treating it henceforth as if it belonged to them. At times, the task of accosting them and retrieving the letter falls to me, Esther. That’s the kind of good woman I am. If Esther likes you, she’ll come to your aid as well.
NINE
I, SHEKURE
Oh, why was I there at the window just when Black rode by on his white steed? Why did I open the shutters intuitively at that exact moment and stare at him so long from behind the snowy branches of the pomegranate tree? I can’t tell you for sure. I’d sent word to Esther by way of Hayriye. I was, of course, well aware that Black would take that route. Meanwhile, I’d gone up alone to the room with the built-in closet and the window facing the pomegranate tree to inspect the sheets in the chest. On a whim, and at just the right moment, I pushed the shutters open with all my strength and sunlight flooded the room: Standing at the window, I came face-to-face with Black, who, like the sun, dazzled me. Oh, it was quite lovely.
He’d grown and matured and, having lost his awkward youthful lankiness, he turned out to be a comely man. Listen Shekure, my heart did tell me, he’s not only handsome, look into his eyes, he possesses the heart of a child, so pure, so alone: Marry him. I, however, sent him a letter wherein I’d given him quite the opposite message.
Though he was twelve years my elder, when I was twelve, I was more mature than he. Back then, instead of standing straight and tall before me in a fashion befitting a man and announcing that he was going to do this or that, jump from this spot or climb onto that thing, he’d just bury his face in some book or picture, hiding as if everything embarrassed him. In time, he also fell in love with me. He made a painting declaring his love. We’d both matured by then. When I turned twelve, I sensed that Black could no longer look into my eyes, as if he were afraid I’d discover he loved me. “Hand me that ivory-handled knife,” he’d say, for example, looking at the knife but unable to look at me. If I asked him, for instance, “Is the cherry sherbet to your liking?” he couldn’t simply indicate so with a delicate smile or nod, as we do when our mouths are full, you see. Instead, he’d scream “Yes” at the top of his lungs, as if trying to communicate with a deaf man.
He feared looking me in the face. I was a maiden of striking beauty then. Any man who caught sight of me even once, from afar, or from between parted curtains or yawning doors, or even through the layers of my modest head coverings, immediately became enamored of me. I’m not being a braggart, I’m explaining this so you’ll understand my story and be better able to share in my grief.
In the well-known tale of Hüsrev and Shirin, there’s a moment that Black and I had discussed at length. Hüsrev’s friend, Shapur, intends to make Hüsrev and Shirin fall in love. One day Shirin embarks on a countryside outing with her ladies of the court, when she sees a picture of Hüsrev that Shapur has secretly hung from the branch of one of the trees beneath which the outing party has stopped to rest. Beholding this picture of the handsome Hüsrev in that beautiful garden, Shirin is stricken by love. Many paintings depict this moment — or “scene” as the miniaturists would have it — consisting of Shirin’s look of adoration and bewilderment as she gazes upon the image of Hüsrev. While Black was working with my father, he’d seen this picture many times and had twice made exact copies by eyeing the original as he painted. After falling in love with me, he made a copy for himself. But this time in place of Hüsrev and Shirin, he portrayed himself and me, Black and Shekure. If it weren’t for the captions beneath the figures, only I would’ve known who the man and maiden in the picture were, because sometimes when we were joking around, he’d depict us in the same manner and color: I all in blue, he all in red. And if this weren’t indication enough, he’d also written our names beneath the figures. He’d left the painting where I would find it and run off. He watched me to see what my reaction to his composition would be.
I was well aware that I wouldn’t be able to love him like a Shirin, so I feigned ignorance. On the evening of that summer’s day when Black gave me his painting, during which we’d tried to cool ourselves with sour-cherry sherbets made with ice said to have been brought all the way from snow-capped Mount Ulu, I told my father that he’d made a declaration of love. At that time, Black had just graduated from the religious school. He taught in remote neighborhoods and, more out of my father’s insistence than his own desire, Black was attempting to obtain the patronage of the powerful and esteemed Naim Pasha. But according to my father, Black didn’t yet have his wits about him. My father, who’d taken great pains to win Black a place in Naim Pasha’s circle, at least as a clerk to begin, complained that he wasn’t doing much to further his own cause; in other words, Black was being an ignoramus. And that very night in reference to Black and me, my father declared, “I think he’s set his sights very high, this impoverished nephew,” and without regard for my mother’s presence, he added, “he’s smarter than we’d supposed.”