by Sarah Fine
I have been to see Nadia. I brought her clean clothes and a hairbrush and a tray of food. She gave me a fragile smile. She said that Lela is a good friend and she hopes she is all right.
She is not all right, I wanted to shout. She won’t wake up. She won’t move. And she is only here because of YOU. But of course, that would not be helpful. So I left Nadia with her tray and I came here.
By Lela’s side again. Raphael says he does not know what will happen. She could wake up at any moment. Or she could die at any moment. One breath away from either fate. I could get her back, or I could lose her, in the space of a few seconds.
So I finally began to talk. I need you to come back because I don’t understand, I said. I don’t understand if I have made all of this up in my head, or if you feel it, too. Is it because I had waited so long, in so much darkness, that when you arrived it felt like you were the sun on my face? Would any girl have done that to me, or is it you?
I think it is you. There is a wildness in you that makes me want to grab you and crush you against me and bury my hands in your hair. There is a vulnerability in you that makes me want to destroy anything that threatens you. But within those two brackets, there is a you that intrigues me, the you that asks so many questions and rolls your eyes when you get an answer that doesn’t make sense. The you that argues. The you that manages to be witty even when you are scared to death. The you that doesn’t seem to realize just how beautiful you actually are. The you that is pure mystery that I am dying to unravel.
You must wake up, so I can figure this out. You must wake up and tell me if I am deluded, if I am weaving my own dangerous fantasy, or if you are beside me at the loom, and we are together in this.
I have been alone for so long, Lela. I don’t know what is real. Wake up and tell me. Please.
Day 25543
No sightings of Mazikin at the wall, but there have been reports of unusual activity from some of the Guards. People running in these areas, scattering as the Guards patrol. Something is happening, I am sure. I’ve increased the patrols to the area yet again.
Lela has been unconscious for seven days. She lingers in this still, quiet state, and I am having trouble remembering what her voice sounded like, what her smile looked like. It is easier to remember when I’m not in her presence, when she looks so different than she should.
Her cheeks are hollower. There are circles under her eyes. Her hands are still, her muscles are slack. It is not right.
And Nadia tried to escape again today. She headed for the exact same building and I caught her easily. This time I was not as gentle. “You will be here when Lela wakes up,” I snapped as I carried her down the corridor, back to Ana’s quarters. “If she wakes up and you are gone, what do you think that would do to her?”
“She doesn’t know who I really am,” Nadia mumbled. “She’d be so disappointed if she knew.”
“We’re all scared of that, Nadia. That doesn’t mean the only alternative is to destroy yourself.” I put her back on Ana’s cot and walked away without another word.
I am going to get up at any minute and go back to my quarters. I have nothing left to write. But still I sit here, next to Lela, listening for the next breath, and the next, and the next.
Day 25544
Nadia attempted escape again. I caught her in the stairwell of that tall building. I think she was going to try to throw herself off the top of it. I wrestled her down the stairs, down the street, down the hall, and I posted a Guard at her door. She will not escape again. When Lela awakens, Nadia will be here to greet her, even if I must tie the girl to a chair.
I have tried to be nice. I want to be nice. I understand what this is like, and I feel for her. But every time I look at her, I think of what Lela went through to save her, and I want to shake Nadia until she understands.
My words have not brought Lela back. Raphael is quiet and grim as he looks in on us. My Guards are quiet, too, like they are afraid to anger me, like anything might do it. And they may be right. I feel a bit like a grenade these days. Too many losses, too many changes.
And despite all that, I am ready, I think, to go to the Sanctum. But somehow, I cannot bear the thought. Because Lela needs to go, too. She needs the sun, and the peace. I wonder if she has had a moment of true peace in her entire existence, and I want that for her. I want to hunt it down and drag it to where she is, I want to carry her until we find it. She belongs in the Countryside. I would like to spend one day with her out there, just one day, just to see if this thing that has grown between us can live in the light.
Day 25548
She is awake. She is alive. Her taste is in my mouth.
When I first heard, I had just come in from patrol, and I barely took the time to strip off my armor. I ran down the hall, but just before I burst through the door, I was overcome by a fear so thick that it shoved me back.
This could be the moment that I find out it isn’t real, I thought. The moment she tells me I have been a fool.
So I went in, and I saw her, sitting up in her bed, her hair tangled and wild around her face, her amber eyes on me. And it hit me, all at once, how much I’ve needed to see those eyes, how much I’ve needed to see them open wide and full of curiosity and life. It hit me so hard that I was shaking as I sat down at her bedside. It broke me. I collapsed in on myself. Loss does not make me fall apart. But a gift like this? I cried for the first time since… I have no idea.
She seemed baffled, but then it became clear she had no idea how long she’d been gone. She was apologetic, for what I’m not even sure. But then she said she’d missed me, and she asked me if I’d missed her, and I gave her my most honest answer.
Kissing Lela Santos is like nothing I’ve experienced before.
I did not tell her my fears about Nadia. I didn’t have time, and I was so lost in Lela that I could barely remember Nadia’s name anyway. But then Raphael came, and he said Emir had been killed near the wall. I have been waiting for my platoon to gear up, but now we are leaving together on a patrol. It will be hard to focus, knowing Lela is awake and waiting for me to return.
Day 25549
Nadia is not ready to go to the Sanctum. She has proven that. This time, I was barely able to catch her before she flung herself off of that high building and destroyed herself yet again.
But Lela won’t accept it. I had harbored a fragile hope that she would. I wanted to be with Lela in the sunlight. So badly. She will not go without Nadia, though. She could never leave her behind.
I understand the feeling completely, even though the reality of it hurts. Lela cannot hide her thoughts from me, not in this case. I saw her plan as if she’d spoken it aloud. She will take Nadia to the Sanctum and offer herself in exchange for Nadia’s freedom.
And I know what the Judge will do, because Lela is perfect for the Guard. She would be brilliant. But there would be no one here to train her, because I will have to leave soon, or risk dying myself. I can feel myself growing weaker. My service is coming to an end. If Lela becomes a Guard, she’ll be alone here. And there are Mazikin in this city, and they are trying to breach the wall, and it is too much to lay on the shoulders of one inexperienced Guard, no matter how strong and smart she is.
Lela has placed me in an impossible position, but not the one I expected. I know what I have to do now. I will take Nadia to the Sanctum myself, and I will ask the Judge to free her in exchange for my continued service. I would tell Lela of my plan if I thought for a moment that she would go along. But I know her well enough now to know that she wouldn’t. It’s not just that she is stubborn (one of her more endearing and infuriating qualities); she also cares for me. I mean something to her, exactly what I do not know, but I can tell that she wishes for my happiness and peace. It is an amazing, wonderful feeling, knowing that. It is also the reason I cannot let her know what I’m going to do. Instead, I will take the fragile trust she has given me, and I will set it on the altar and light it on fire.
I am willing to do it, if
it means she can go to the Sanctum and be released into the Countryside.
But that is not the impossible position I’m referring to. It is this: she asked me to stay with her tonight.
Neither of us is ready for that, and both of us would go into it knowing we were about to deceive one another. But this is our last chance, our last moment. And I want her so badly that I don’t know if I can stay away. I want to have as many memories of her as I can to hold tight after she is gone.
Enough of that. I will decide after I have talked to Raphael. I need his assistance to sedate Lela long enough for me to take Nadia to the Sanctum. Once I know he will comply with my wishes, I will figure out how to say goodbye to the girl who has made me feel more alive than I ever have—even when I was actually alive—understanding that she will hate me when she finds out what I have done.
But I think that is love. Imperfect, inexperienced, stumbling through the dark love, but love nonetheless.
In fact, I am sure of it.
She is the Mission: A Scene from Sanctum, from Malachi’s Perspective
Malachi stood in the Station’s corridor, his hands in the air, watching Sil drag Lela toward the door that led to the alley. His muscles cramped with the desire to stop them. His fingers twitched with the need to reach for his knives.
But he knew this Mazikin well. Sil was irritatingly fast and absolutely vicious. He wouldn’t hesitate to tear her throat out. She’d be dead before his blade hit home.
Not for the first time, Malachi wondered if he should simply let it happen, and let her go. She wasn’t meant to be here. She’d proven herself more than capable of mischief. And worse than that… she sorely tested his self-control. As far as he was concerned, that made her more dangerous than any Mazikin.
He’d come so close to giving in during those final moments in the interrogation room. His lips had been less than an inch from hers. The feel of her caramel skin beneath his fingertips had wound him tight. Her scent had made him dizzy. The only thing that had stopped him was her palm on his chest, sending her shuddering fear of him up his spine and straight to his brain. Well… that and the knowledge that her only goal had been escape. If her fingers had crept a little farther along his belt, she would have found his knife—and he had no doubt she’d have stabbed him with it if given the chance. Despite all that, he’d still considered going along with the farce, just for the chance to taste her. Pathetic.
That was why he’d put her in the cell, which had been a horrible mistake. He could smell the coppery tang of Lutfi’s blood from here.
Malachi clenched his teeth as Sil slid one of Lutfi’s keys into the lock and wrenched the door open. Before the Mazikin could drag Lela through, she lurched forward, her fingers clawing at the space between them. And though Malachi was far out of her reach, he felt her desperation as if she’d closed her fist around his heart.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her amber-brown gaze burning him with its intensity, her voice raspy as Sil’s fingers tightened on her throat.
Sil yanked her into the alley, and Malachi was in motion before he heard the door slam shut. “Ana!” he roared as he sprinted down the hall.
Hani stepped out of the holding cell room, blocking his path. He held up his enormous hands, bloody palms out. “The two Mazikin killed Lutfi, Captain!”
“Only one of them was Mazikin,” Malachi snapped.
“That will probably change soon,” Hani grumbled.
Malachi knew that. It was why he had to hurry. “Get Bilal to help you clean up. I’m sorry about Lutfi.” He forced himself to look into the room. Lutfi’s body lay on the floor just inside the doorway, about three feet away from his head. He’d been a loyal Guard, but it was his even-tempered kindness that had led Malachi to order him to watch over Lela, who’d had more than her share of brutality in her brief time at the Station. And now look what had happened. “We will honor him when I return.”
Hani’s expression revealed his doubt, but Malachi didn’t have time to explain himself. And in truth, he couldn’t even if he tried. All he knew was—
“What happened?” Ana called out as she came down the hall. She was wearing her armor and had obviously been preparing to go out on patrol. Malachi sighed with relief that he’d caught her in time.
Hani backed himself against the wall and saluted as Ana approached. All of the Guards wanted to touch her, but most of them were terrified of her, too. “Sil has escaped with the help of another prisoner, Lieutenant. They killed Lutfi.”
“Sil killed Lutfi,” Malachi clarified. The girl might be dangerous, but she wasn’t evil. He’d seen the regret and horror in her eyes right before Sil took her away. She hadn’t wanted to hurt Lutfi.
Ana frowned as she looked up at him. “We had another prisoner?”
“A girl we found in the city,” said Hani. “She stabbed Amid. Twice.”
Ana’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you sure she’s not a Mazikin? I’ve never heard of one of the citizens being so aggressive—unless… they don’t like it if we try to take the stuff they find comforting. Did he confiscate her things?”
Malachi shook his head as he took Ana by the arm and guided her down the hall, too impatient to stand still for another moment. They needed to get going if they were going to catch Sil and Lela. “She isn’t a resident of the city. She sneaked in to find a friend of hers.”
Ana snorted. “You’re hilarious.”
Malachi gave her a sidelong glance. “She was a ghost here. She knew the city. She knew her friend was here, and she came in to get her out.”
“That’s insane.”
True. But… it was also selfless. And extremely brave.
They reached the door that Sil had used to escape the Station, and Malachi inched it open and peered outside, breathing deep. The faint sting of incense mixed with garbage filled his nose, and he was glad to have a scent he could follow. The alley seemed deserted as he stepped into the damp city air. Ana joined him, looking half-convinced that he’d lost his mind. He couldn’t blame her for that.
“What are we doing?” Ana asked as he crept to the end of the alley, a passageway between the station and the towering, crookedly elaborate pagoda next door.
“We’re going to find Sil and get the girl back.” It sounded so simple when he said it that way.
“You mean we’re going to track them back to the nest, right? That has to be where he’s going now that he’s escaped.” Ana followed him down the street, taking two strides for every one of his. “We should bring a platoon of Guards with us! Do you want me to go back and get grenades? I could meet you at the—”
“No,” Malachi said, surprised at the rough sound of his voice. “That’s not our objective.” Unable to tolerate their slow pace, he broke into a run, soothed slightly by the bump of his sheathed scimitar against his thigh.
“What are you talking about?” she huffed. “Destroying the nest is our only objective. You said so yourself, not even a week ago.”
“Not today.”
She pressed her lips together and ran beside him. Whether she agreed with him or not, she would help him. He couldn’t recall ever telling her how grateful he was to have her as his Guard partner, and he promised himself he would before he left the city.
On and on they raced, following footprints left in the patches of mud along the side of the road. Two sets, side by side. No one in this city walked side by side unless they were near the Sanctum, ready to leave. Which meant these prints belonged to a Mazikin and its prey. And the smeared skids in the set on the right told him the prey was unwilling. Lela didn’t know exactly what she was facing, but she knew she was in trouble. He winced at the foreign twinge in his chest as he pictured her with the Mazikin.
To his right, the massive towers of downtown seemed to lean toward them in poisonous invitation, but Sil would never take Lela there. He would be skirting south of the cancerous maze of skyscrapers, heading west toward Harag, where Malachi suspected the current nest was located.
; Malachi’s stomach tightened as the road dead-ended at a huge, ramshackle mansion that hadn’t been there a week ago. He’d have to add it to his map when they got back. The wide doorframe was splintered and the door was hanging open, as if someone had tried to escape quickly. Dangling from one of the shards of wood were a few long, glossy strands of hair curling in a fragile spiral. He tugged them loose and held them to his nose, inhaling the wild sea scent he’d begun to associate with Lela.
Ana watched him carefully. “We’ve been looking for this nest for months. If you can track Sil through this girl, we could burn it out. Maybe we could get all of them this time.”
“We say that every time,” Malachi said bitterly as he led Ana into the mansion, which smelled of decay and mildew. The soaring entry, over which dangled a dripping chandelier, gave way to narrower passages lit every few feet by gas lamps huddling in sconces that looked like skeletal hands. This mansion must already be deserted by its occupant, or Sil would never have been able to drag Lela through here.
With the strands of Lela’s hair coiled around his fingers so tightly that his pulse throbbed in his fingertips, Malachi trailed the scent of incense. “We will find the nest,” he said. “But right now the Mazikin have Lela, and until we get her back, she is the mission.”
Ana shoved him abruptly, and his shoulder collided with a rusty sconce. It sank into the rotted wall with a wet squelching noise as he whirled to face her.
“Did I really just hear you say she is the mission?” she snarled, her hands on her hips. “What is wrong with you today? Individuals are never our mission.”
“She doesn’t belong here, Ana.”
“So what? She won’t be here long if Sil has his way, and if we don’t—”
“I won’t let the Mazikin take her!” he shouted, his determination echoing down the hallway. Lela was too alive, so different from anyone he’d met since arriving in this city. She was fierce and wild, and the idea that something that vibrant would be destroyed by the Mazikin, the thought that they would tie her to a table and pull her struggling soul away from her…