by Amy Arnold
We lay down and I opened her legs. Kate. That’s what I did. And afterwards.
We walked home and the sky was cerulean. It wasn’t like me to think in adjectives but that was all I could think. There must’ve been swifts. I don’t remember. I wanted to curl up, but it was hot, so hot.
What do you think to that? Tell me what you think.
‘Choose how you feel,’ you said.
Tired. I’m telling you now. And cold. Am I allowed to have two?
You said I should come out, and I’m coming. What does coming mean, or can’t you speak? You were always ready to tell me. Always wanted to explain.
I’m coming. Out of bed, down to the landing and towards Charlie’s room, although I feel like curling up.
Before you swallowed me I meant to tell you things. I meant to tell you about Papa. He’d put the sky in my heart. It was hard for me. I wanted to tell you all that.
‘Try this,’ you said. ‘It’s all about downward-flowing energy. I’ll show you.’
You squatted. There was no other word for it. You let your feet bury themselves into the carpet.
‘Like this,’ you said and settled yourself, settled yourself like a mother hen. I reached out, touched you gently, almost tenderly. You looked so grounded, so comfortable, squatting there on the carpet, I almost forgot about the sky. That’s why I came up behind you. That’s why I put my arms around your waist. I wanted to try.
‘You try,’ you said, and now I wanted to.
I had to spread my legs, I had to press my body into your back, that’s what I had to do if I wanted to get myself around you, and when I did, I mean, when my breasts and body were up against you and you were firmly rooted it happened. All at once, all of a sudden, you’d probably say, yes, our halves came together, they connected. That’s what you would’ve said, they connected, our two halves, and after they did, they weren’t halves, no, they couldn’t have been halves, but were something bigger. We were big, yes, so big your roots had to dig deeper to hold us.
‘Did you feel that?’ you said. ‘Ash?’ you said.
I couldn’t say, I wanted to open my mouth, but I was growing roots too, and fast. We needed something, we both knew we needed something, now our halves were one, we needed something more substantial. Black then, just under the surface. We both went in, both blind. I know because you said you couldn’t see, and I couldn’t see either. I didn’t say. Instead, I felt my way into the space between your legs. I knew you by then, but still, I had to press my body, my breasts, yes, right up against your back so I could balance. You swayed as I moved in, I left my hand, left it where it was, and you swayed a bit, got unsteady, said you couldn’t see, that’s what you said. ‘Ash,’ you said. ‘Ash’, and there was something in your voice. Later I thought it might have been panic, the thing in your voice, but what could I do, where could we go. We’d gone too far, we couldn’t have taken a single step back towards where we’d come from. Although we knew. We knew about the dangers of coming undone, or was it unravelled, but we weren’t unravelling, we were putting down roots, strong roots, we didn’t need to worry, so I stayed, stayed where I was with my body and breasts up against your back, with my hand in your space, I stayed until we came.
We came, and we could’ve kept on coming like that, kept going without saying a thing, but the black had been rising, had risen so high it was pushing up against our surface, and one of us was about to speak, and I don’t think it was me, no, although it’s difficult to be sure, but one of us said, one of us definitely said, I love you.
I came out, that’s what you wanted. I got out of bed, although I felt like curling up.
I got out of bed and walked down to the landing. That’s what you wanted, that’s what you said.
Charlie’s door was on-the-jar, I couldn’t see, but could hear her feather-breaths. I crawled in, crawled into the darkness, crawled across the floor, and I must’ve been quiet because Big Head stayed sleeping. Didn’t stir, stayed where it was and I went right up and told him, Nelson, this time, no. And it must have been the first time anyone had told him no, but he understood. Big Head.
I watched Charlie for a moment, all I wanted was to take a moment, although what were you saying, why couldn’t you shut up, shut your huge mouth up. I watched her, one moment, two, and before the third I felt under the covers for her arm. Charlie always slept lightly, it wasn’t long before she came round, came to, was sitting up and I kept hold of her arm, I pulled on it a bit, said, ‘Quietly now, quietly come’, and Big Head stayed where it was and Charlie came, walked with me to the door and didn’t say. Instead, came with me all the way downstairs and stood in the hallway whilst I got the key.
‘It’s cold. A bit cold,’ I said, and there wasn’t much light and the key was rattling in the front door. I was cold, I’d been cold for a while, and Charlie didn’t say, just looked like she wanted to curl up, that was all. She didn’t look like anything else, didn’t even look tired, and all you were saying was come on, come out, that’s what you were saying, your huge mouth, opening and shutting and all we wanted was to curl up.
I couldn’t get the door open, there wasn’t much light, and the key was rattling. Rattling way too much. Charlie was standing and I was bent over, trying not to rattle the key and wondering why, with all this rattling, Abbott hadn’t come down.
I got it open, took hold of Charlie’s arm, said, ‘Come on, move on.’ We were getting cold and we needed to move, but we weren’t moving. We were standing outside our house, standing on our hill, and what were we supposed to do, out there in the dark with Charlie in her pyjamas. I could tell she was still warm, I could feel the heat coming off her the way you can, although it didn’t last long. It wasn’t long before she was as cold as I was, and where were you, where had you gone, now, all of a sudden? It was dark out there and too cold to be standing, just standing without moving, and Charlie, Charlie had gone quiet. Gone too quiet. I wanted to curl up, but I knew where you’d be, knew you’d be down there if you weren’t here, down at the lake, that’s where you’d be and it wouldn’t take long, wouldn’t take too long if we ran, and anyway, it was too cold to be standing, just standing there, waiting, and I’d spent enough time, waiting. I’d already spent all that time.
I held Charlie’s hand. I held it all the way down our hill. I wanted to get moving but Charlie was cold, and what was I supposed to do. I pulled her along a bit, got her trotting along, but she’d gone quiet, gone a bit quiet, didn’t say a thing, all the way down the hill. Got her trotting though, down the hill, pulled her a bit, enough to start her off trotting and she didn’t say, it was me who did. Said, ‘Don’t you fancy a swim? A night-time adventure?’ I know how to dress it up, but it was cold, and Charlie hadn’t said, and she wasn’t really moving. I’d got her trotting, but she looked like she wanted to curl up, that’s how she’d looked earlier, standing there in the hallway, so I decided not to look again, made the decision to keep my eyes straight ahead and pull her along.
And she didn’t mind, didn’t seem to mind being pulled a bit. Didn’t mind until we got to the fence at the end of the crescent. She didn’t want to go any further, but didn’t say. Stood in front of the gap in the fence and didn’t say, just went on standing. It was me who said, said, ‘Come on, come through.’ But she didn’t come, didn’t want to duck down the way you have to, and what was I supposed to do, we couldn’t hang around there in the crescent, it was too cold to be hanging around, but Charlie wasn’t moving, was standing in front of the gap in the fence and wouldn’t come through. We couldn’t stay there, couldn’t stand there, so I got her head. I took the back of her head in the palm of my hand and pushed it down, and I didn’t let go until the pair of us were on the other side of the fence, and I’ve got to say I felt a bit stunned, felt a bit out of sorts when I looked towards the lake, looked down at the alder trees. The alder trees, the way their branches were hanging like spectres, over the water.
‘Not now,’ I said. ‘Not now.’
I had to say it out loud if I wanted to stop. I said it. The sound of my voice rang out into the darkness, and that’s when I heard you. That’s when I knew you were out there on the rock, although we couldn’t see the rock. We were still up by the fence that backs onto the crescent. We hadn’t come down, hadn’t made our way through the scrub, but we heard you laugh and we knew. Knew you were out there, standing out there on the rock.
We should come down, Charlie and I. Come down through the scrub, to the bank. That’s what we should do, but those alder trees, their branches. Although I suppose we’re a bit out of sorts, standing up here by the fence. It wasn’t like me to get hold of Charlie’s head but what was I supposed to do. We couldn’t stay there, stand there at the end of the crescent, not in the dark, the cold.
And now you, on the rock. I know it’s you, calling.
I’ve got to keep Charlie moving, I’ve got to pull on her arm a bit to get her to move. She’s better once she’s going, yes, she seems a bit better once she’s moving. We’re coming now, down through the scrub, we know it’s you, yes, and you’ll have to wait, wait out there on the rock, whilst we come down, whilst we make our way through the scrub to the bank. And those alder trees, don’t you think, I mean, don’t you think. Although we know they aren’t, we know they couldn’t be, but it’s dark, it’s almost too dark to see, even down here on the bank now, yes, it’s still too dark, but we know it’s you on the rock, calling to us. We know it’s you. You want us to come out, to swim out. It’s calm, you say, we should swim out, yes, there’s a little light, enough light, what with the moon, the half-moon behind the clouds, enough light to be able to swim, you say. You say these things from the rock, we’re sure it’s you, yes, who else would be out there in the dark, calling out to us.
But listen.
We feel like curling up. It’s cold, Charlie’s getting cold. We want to curl up, although the alders. Look in the water, the alder trees reflected like that in the water, and we shouldn’t curl up, not yet, not if there’s a little light, if there’s enough light to swim, enough light to see across the water, to the far shore even. Yes, we can see across the water and it’s calm, although we can’t see the rock, can’t see if it’s you on the rock, although we know it must be. Calling like that. And the water is calm, although we don’t say, and Charlie hasn’t said, but holds my hand, although she must have seen that it’s calm enough to swim. Calmer than the baths, although it’s cold. Cold enough to curl up, and we both feel like curling up, although Charlie’s gone quiet and hasn’t said, and neither have I. So many things I haven’t said, but words and birds are like spit, yes, they keep coming up, coming back. You too, came back in the end, didn’t you? Couldn’t keep your mouth away, although where are you now? We can’t see you. It’s black out there by the rock, and we can’t see, and now, Charlie’s feeling it, the cold, she needs to keep moving, but where can we go from here, from the bank, all we can do is swim, that’s all we can do if we want to keep moving forward, but Charlie’s cold and I didn’t bring a jumper. I’d give her mine if I had one, I’d say, here, Charlie, put this on and when we get back, that’s what I’d say, but I didn’t bring a jumper.
The water might not be that cold, no, the earth cools more quickly than the water in autumn. Yes, it might be warmer in there than we think. It’s dark for swimming, although we can see the other side, can see the Toll Estate and we’re not going to think about those boys now, the ones who Charlie thought she heard when we were swimming out. We’re not going to think about them now. Not here in the dark. Not if we swim, not if we’re too far out to get back quickly. It might be warmer in there. And it’s light enough, it’s calm enough, that’s what you said, but we can’t see you, haven’t seen you, even though we can see the far shore, even though we can see that not everyone in the Toll Estate is sleeping, no, we’re not the only ones awake. Charlie, look at the lights over there in the Toll Estate, but Charlie’s gone quiet, looks a bit cold, she might be better in the water, she might be a bit warmer, although we feel like curling up, it’s calm enough. Calm enough to sail a paper boat, although we never have, not paper. Alder leaves. Yes, that’s what we used. Made up little boats with twigs, and they’d be strong enough if the water was calm, as calm as it is now, they wouldn’t be pushed and pulled, our little boats, wouldn’t sink, wouldn’t drown, like that boy, the little boy who drowned in the fjord. But there’s no point in thinking about him now, not now it’s dark and you’re on the rock, calling us to come in, to swim out. No point in thinking about words in a small paperback. It’s no big deal really. And it might be better in the water, once we get swimming, might be a bit warmer, takes a large body of water a long time to cool. Weeks longer, Papa said. If we take off our shoes at least, yes, take them off and test the temperature. Here, Charlie. It isn’t that bad. It might be warmer once we’re in, once we’re properly in. And it isn’t the kind of night for standing around, no. I’d give you my jumper, I’d say, here, put your arms up, pop your arms up in the air and I’ll pull it on. It’ll be a bit big, but. That’s what I’d say. Still, now we’re here, now we’re standing on the bank, we might as well swim. You can see right over to the other side, look, Charlie. The Toll Estate, over the other side. And when we get home.
Yes, we know it’s you, out there on the rock, although we can’t see. Fifteen strokes, that’s all. Done it so many times, we know where to come up. We’re coming. Coming in, coming out. Charlie’s cold, so we’re coming in. I’ve got her arm, got to pull on her arm a bit to get her moving, and it isn’t that bad, not that bad, is it, Charlie? Could be worse. Nothing like summer. Nothing like the day I swam right out. The water was soothing, that was the word, I turned on my back under the sky, I was under the sky and the water was warm, was nothing like tonight. I was on my back, my arms spread out, my breasts under the yellow-brown sun water. And after. Nobody came. Nobody ever comes.
Come on, come on in, Charlie. I’ll keep hold of you until the bottom falls away, until we feel the bottom falling away from under our feet. And it won’t be long, not now, gets deeper quickly, you have to learn to expect it, don’t you, Charlie. That’s the trick, so many tricks. Papa knew a few, and you’d think it’d be worse. You’d think it’d be colder, but it takes a large body of water a long time to cool. We’re coming in, yes, wading in, and Charlie’s gone quiet. Always used to go on. On and on. Always been a slip of a fish. Haven’t you, Charlie.
Charlie, Charlee, light of my life. Always in my mind’s eye, half-submerged, sliding away, an arm, a leg, a torso, a head, appearing then disappearing.
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