by Laura Iding
The kick was good. The crowd went wild as the Bears won the game by three points.
“Maybe you should start rooting for the Bears,” Kylie told Seth as they waited for the crowd to thin before heading back over to the hotel, where they’d left their luggage.
“Never,” Seth said, although his tone lacked emphasis.
They walked back to the hotel to fetch their luggage, and then took a cab back to the train station. Once they arrived in Milwaukee, they picked up some fast food to eat on the ride home to Cedar Bluff.
Ben was half asleep in the backseat, dozing off, and then blinking to wake up. Kylie knew the excitement of the game had worn him out.
“Thanks for taking us to the game,” she said quietly. “I know Ben will remember this day for a long time.”
Seth grinned. “Yeah, especially since his team won.”
The day had been special, but not because Ben’s team had won. There was a part of her that had liked them being together, as if they were a family. Ben had reveled in Seth’s attention, and she knew her son secretly longed for a father.
If things didn’t work out with Seth, Ben would be hurt. Badly.
Seth had never once mentioned raising Ben as his own son, the same way Gregory Taylor had raised him. That was a lot to ask of any man.
“Kylie?” Seth reached over to take her hand, and kept his voice low so as not to wake Ben. “Do you think you could find a babysitter for some night this week?”
Her heart betrayed her by racing erratically in her chest. “I don’t know, but I can try.”
“I’m working days all week,” Seth said. “So any night is open.”
“Sure.” She glanced over her shoulder at Ben, making sure he was still sleeping. “We should probably talk.”
“Talking is fine.” He gently squeezed her hand. “But I was thinking about doing more than just talking.”
She bit her lip and tried to smile as he pulled into the driveway. Somehow she wasn’t sure there would be any more togetherness once they talked.
Because once Seth realized she was looking for something permanent, like a future, she suspected he might choose to walk away.
Seth mulled over his weekend with Kylie and Ben as he worked on Monday. All in all, despite the fact that Kylie hadn’t come knocking on his door like he’d hoped, he thought the outing had been a huge success.
Kylie had seemed a little distant, but he thought maybe the reason was because she hadn’t wanted to be overly affectionate in front of her son. He wasn’t a parent, but he could somewhat understand. Hugging and kissing a guy would be difficult for her to explain to a six-year-old.
His gut had tightened, though, when she’d told him she wanted to talk. He generally avoided women who wanted to talk. Women usually only wanted to talk when things weren’t going well.
He turned his attention to the job at hand, which consisted of a young soccer player who’d been brought in with a twisted ankle. “Doug, you’ll need to stay off your ankle for at least a week,” he instructed. “The nurse is going to fit you with a pair of crutches to use.”
“Crutches? For a whole week?” Doug’s horrified expression indicated he thought this was a fate worse than death. “But that means I’ll miss the next game!”
He understood. The Cedar Bluff High School soccer team was headed for the championship. They’d won it last year. “I’m sorry, but you’ll only hurt yourself worse if you don’t do as I say. Don’t risk your entire future for one game,” he advised, before leaving the room to find a nurse.
Alyssa usually worked in the trauma room, but today she’d been assigned to the ED area. But where was she now? Alyssa had been quieter than usual lately, and, while they were close, Alyssa was one of the few women he hadn’t dated. He thought there was definitely something bothering her.
He found another nurse to do Doug’s patient discharge teaching, then checked on the progress of an elderly patient who was waiting to be admitted for a severe kidney infection, satisfied to overhear the nurse was giving a report to the floor.
Fifteen minutes later, he still hadn’t found Alyssa. Odd, because she was one of the best trauma nurses in the entire ED, and it wasn’t like her to simply disappear, leaving her work to others. Not that they were terribly busy, but still…
He headed back toward the staff lounge. The muffled sounds of crying reached him before he saw her, curled up in the corner, her face buried against the sofa cushion.
Had someone died? He remembered all too well the feeling of overwhelming helplessness after his mother had passed away so unexpectedly. One minute she’d been healthy as could be, planning for the upcoming arrival of Caleb’s new baby, and the next she was gone.
Alarmed, he crossed over to her. “Alyssa, what is it? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
She lifted her face, looking embarrassed as she swiped the tears from her cheeks. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
Yeah, and he was the King of Siam. “You’re not fine. You’re upset.” Sobbing women made him uncomfortable, and he sensed she wanted privacy but he couldn’t just leave her like this.
“Don’t mind me. I’m just being stupid.” She sniffled loudly and swiped her face again.
He stood, uncertainly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” Her pathetic attempt to smile tugged at his heart. “I—uh—don’t suppose you know where Jadon is, do you? He left town, and his cell phone is no longer in service.”
Jadon? Now Alyssa’s crying made sense. Jadon Reichert had been one of his colleagues—not exactly a close friend, since Jadon had been out of town a lot, but a good doctor. Jadon had left rather unexpectedly for good two months ago, wreaking havoc on their schedule. Alyssa had been close to Jadon during the time he was here. Obviously Seth hadn’t realized just how close.
“No, I’m sorry. I don’t know where he went.” Damn. Jadon must not have told Alyssa, either, the jerk. And here she was sobbing as if her heart was crushed. “What happened? Did you guys have a fight? Is that why he left?”
“No fight. Not really.” She sighed again, and he was relieved to see her crying jag was over. “I really don’t know why he left. But never mind. It’s my problem, not yours.”
Maybe, but seeing Alyssa so obviously distressed bothered him. She looked just like his mother had after his father had died—purely miserable.
He went back to work, finishing off his shift, but he couldn’t ignore the sick feeling in his stomach.
Love had the power to hurt. Badly. He put a hand to the center of his chest, rubbing the imaginary ache building there. Was he crazy to think about a future with Kylie? To think about being a surrogate father to Ben? What if something happened to either of them? How would he survive?
His mother had tried to hide the extent of her deep sorrow after his father’s death, but he’d always known it was there. The light had vanished from her eyes, and though she’d never said anything about it he’d known she was lonely. And then, after she was gone, he’d discovered she’d lost not just one man in her life but two.
Twice married and twice widowed.
Was the risk of falling in love with someone worth the eventual pain of losing them? Suddenly he wasn’t so sure he wanted to find out.
The best thing might be to break things off with Kylie—before it was too late.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
SETH went home that night, intending to call Kylie, but when his cell phone rang the moment he walked in the door he realized she’d managed to beat him to it.
“Hi, Kylie.” He greeted her cautiously.
“Hey, Seth. I arranged for a babysitter for tomorrow night, if that’s still okay with you?”
The sound of her husky voice brought back memories of the heated lovemaking they’d shared. Despite the tightening of his groin, the sick feeling in his stomach intensified at the realization she might be planning an intimate evening.
After all, he’d hinted at making love again, hadn’t he?
His tone must not have sounded totally convincing, since there was a brief pause before she asked, “About six?”
“Sure, I’ll pick you up then.” He flipped his phone shut and battled the urge to toss the stupid thing against the wall. He was angry and upset. But not with Kylie or Ben. They were the innocent victims here.
He was angry with himself, for ignoring his own rules. This was the reason he’d always kept his love life light and friendly. This pain. The deep, piercing agony that already tightened his chest and made his head ache.
He felt sick to his stomach.
The next day time moved at warp speed—probably because he was dreading the date he’d arranged with Kylie. The thought of sitting through a dinner at a restaurant held no appeal, and since he was running late anyway he decided to pick up some deli sandwiches to go. They could eat in Cedar Bluff Park, at the highest point overlooking Lake Michigan. That way they wouldn’t need to worry about being distracted by waiters or other diners possibly overhearing their conversation.
And sitting on the bluff for sure meant no lovemaking.
As if she’d sensed his intent to keep this date casual, Kylie arrived in form-fitting blue jeans and a soft V-necked sweater in deep purple. His mouth went dry and he purposely avoided looking at the enticing hint of cleavage her sweater displayed.
“Something smells good,” she commented as she slid into Suzanne’s passenger seat.
“I brought deli sandwiches. Thought it would be nice to go up to the picnic spot on the bluff overlooking Lake Michigan.”
“Great. I’ve heard the view is awesome, but I haven’t been up there.”
The way she avoided his gaze warned him she knew exactly what he planned to do. Overwhelming guilt gnawed on his insides, burning his stomach lining like acid.
He parked in the lot, and then reached into the backseat to grab the food before following Kylie up the path leading to the top of the bluff.
“Wow,” she whispered when they crested the top of the bluff. “Impressive.”
“Cedar Bluff, the town, was named after James Cedar—the guy who founded it,” he informed her. “These bluffs were formed when the glacier moved through the area thousands of years ago.”
She stared for a long moment at the waves rippling over the lake’s surface, before turning toward him. “Seth, I’m sorry. But I can’t do this. I can’t see you anymore.”
He was so shocked that he could only stare at her. The fact that he’d planned to break things off himself didn’t matter in the least. “Why?”
“Because I need more than just having fun with you. I need it all. A husband, a true father to help raise Ben. I’m sorry, but I’m not cut out for a casual fling.”
Casual fling? He let the bag of deli sandwiches drop to the sandy soil at his feet so he could grasp her arms. “Kylie, how could you think I feel casual toward you? For God’s sake, woman, I love you.”
Her glorious green eyes widened at his declaration, and suddenly he understood she was running away from him the same way he’d intended to run from her. From the threat of their love.
A spark of anger burned. Running away? Well, hell. He wasn’t a coward and neither was she. Love hurt when the person you loved was gone. So what? Did that mean if Kylie walked away right now he’d hurt any less?
No. And really love didn’t have to hurt. Love could be full of life and laughter, too. His parents had been happy during the time they were together. He knew his mother hadn’t regretted a moment of her marriage to his father. Probably hadn’t regretted either marriage.
“Seth, don’t.” She tried to tug out of his grip. “I have to think about Ben.”
“Ben? Is that really why you’re running away?” He seriously doubted it. “Kylie, I had an awesome father, who raised me as his own. He was incredibly patient as he taught me how to play football. I asked him how he knew so much about sports, and do you know what he said?” She shook her head. “He said, ‘When I first met your mother I didn’t know anything about sports, but I knew I had to learn quick since I had two active sons to keep busy.’”
“Your father sounds like a wonderful man.”
“He was. And I think I can learn to be a good father, too. I realize now that my father was brave enough to learn how to be a father to us kids. I’m more than willing to do the same thing. To learn how to be a husband to you and a father to Ben.”
“And what if you decide a few years down the road that you don’t want to be a husband anymore?” Kylie pulled her hands from his and half turned away, raking a hand through her hair, straightening the strands that had been tousled from the breeze. “Seth, parenthood isn’t all fun—especially once the novelty wears off. I know you’re going to eventually decide to move on to someone else.”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Kylie didn’t believe him. Didn’t trust him. Didn’t trust in his love for her.
And other than shouting it out over the lake, so the whole world could hear him, he didn’t know how to convince her.
Kylie stood at the edge of the bluff, gazing at the deep blue water and wishing she knew what to do.
Seth claimed he loved her. He claimed he wanted to be a husband and a father. And she didn’t doubt that he sincerely meant it. But there was far more to having a family than buying a new car.
He had no clue what he was in for. Had no inkling of what it was like to be up all night with a sick baby, or a toddler with the flu. When Ben had gotten hit by the car, her entire life had teetered on the edge until she’d discovered he was all right.
“So that’s it, then?” Seth’s tone was bitter. “You’re going to refuse to trust me? You’re just going to walk away?”
She licked her dry lips, feeling sick. “This isn’t about trust. It’s about knowing what’s best.” He didn’t understand that her life was mundane, boring. The risk was too great to make a mistake. She wouldn’t be the only one to suffer if things went wrong.
Ben would suffer, too.
He let out a harsh sound. “This is about trust. You could choose to believe me, to take a chance on us. On love.”
Tears welled in her eyes, but she still shook her head.
Seth’s mouth tightened. “You know what’s really funny? I actually brought you here to break off our relationship because I loved you too much. I was too afraid of how hurt I’d be if I ever lost you. The way my mother lost not just one husband but two.”
Confused, she stared at him, trying to understand his rather warped logic.
“And yet the irony of the situation is that you’re walking away from me because you don’t love me enough.” His hurt expression sliced deep.
That wasn’t true. She did love him. Too much.
So why couldn’t she trust that he actually loved her in return?
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to combat a sudden dizziness. “I think I need to sit down.”
Instantly his face registered concern. “Are you okay? Maybe we should have eaten first. You look pale. Come on, sit down on this bench.”
With his hand under her elbow, she crossed over to the park bench where they’d planned to eat their dinner. Except she wasn’t the least bit hungry.
“Do you need something? I think there are some soft drinks in this bag.” He reached for the deli dinner that they’d ignored and pulled a can of lemonade out of the sack. “Here, try this.”
His kind consideration after the bitter argument they’d just had hit her hard.
Dear God. What if Seth was telling the truth? What if he really did love her?
She took a hasty gulp of the lemonade, coughing a bit to clear her throat. “Seth? I need you to answer one question.”
His gaze was wary, but he nodded. “All right.”
“I need to know why. Why do you love me?” She was ashamed to admit that maybe it was her own lack of se
lf-confidence that made it difficult to believe. “You could have any woman at Cedar Bluff Hospital—heck, any woman in the entire town—but you think you love me.”
“Ah. I think I understand. You’re afraid I’m going to be like Ben’s father—leaving you when you and Ben needed him the most. Is that it?”
She lifted her shoulder helplessly. “Maybe. I don’t know. I guess I just don’t understand why you love me. I’m nothing special.”
Seth frowned and shook his head. “That’s where you’re wrong, Kylie. You’re very special. But I think the biggest part of the reason I love you is that you don’t have a clue how beautiful, smart, hard-working, dedicated and unselfish you really are.”
“Seth, stop exaggerating. I’m serious.”
“So am I.” He let out an exasperated sigh. “Kylie, you’re asking me to put my feelings into words and I’m trying. But it’s not easy.” He sat next to her and took her hand in his. “When I first met you I was attracted to your physical beauty, which is spectacular, but even then I was equally attracted to the person you were on the inside. Not only were you smart enough to pick up on Marilyn’s heart attack diagnosis, but you were also brave enough to stand your ground with a senior paramedic who clearly doubted you. The more I got to know you, the more there was to admire. You always insisted on putting your son first. You resisted any interference in the life you’d planned out for you and your son, which drove me crazy as much as I respected it. Yet you quickly learned to care about the people in this town, including Chuck and Estelle—who are doing fine, by the way, now that they’re taking diabetes education classes.”
She shifted uncomfortably on the bench. “But, Seth, anyone would do those things.”
“No, they wouldn’t,” he corrected her softly. “And even if they did, no one else does them like you. But do you want to know the real reason I fell in love with you?”
She nodded.
“Because you remind me of my mother.” He must have noticed the horrified expression in her eyes, because he quickly interjected, “Not physically, Kylie, for heaven’s sake. Emotionally. Your love for Ben, your willingness to try new things, like a football game in a crowded stadium, your love of life. Your respect for others.” His smile was crooked. “Kylie, I can’t think of any other woman I’d want to be the mother of my children. There isn’t anyone else I want standing by my side through the good times and especially through the difficult times. I love you. I need you. I don’t know what else I can say to convince you.”