by T. J. Klune
“What are you doing here?” I grumble as he crosses his arms across his chest.
He looks surprised. “I told you I was coming here when you got off. I said I was going to pick up something for din—”
“Otter?” a voice says from behind him.
God hates me.
He turns and sees Anna standing near the doorway. I can’t see his reaction, but he doesn’t hesitate as he moves forward to pick her up in a hug. She smiles but not before she glances at me over his shoulder. Much is said in this look, but I can’t read any of it. I wonder, not for the first time, what Anna knows, or at the very least what she thinks she knows. I try not to shudder at the thought.
“How’re you?” he asks Anna, and I groan inwardly. How do you think she is! I want to scream at him. We broke up, like, three days ago because of you! Think for one fucking second!
She surprises me when she says, “I’m fine,” and she sounds like she means it. She steals another look at me, and I turn my gaze to the wall, which has suddenly become very interesting. “What are you doing here?” she asks Otter.
He shrugs. “Just thought I’d stop by. I was in the neighborhood and wanted to pick up some food. I think I’ve eaten everything in the house.”
She laughs and I cringe. “That’s cool,” she tells him. “It’s good to see you, Otter. I’m glad you decided to stick around for a while this time. Have you thought about how long you’re going to stay?”
He shakes his head. “I hadn’t really thought about it.” He glances over his shoulder at me. It’s a quick look, lasting no more than a second. A blink-and-you’ll-miss-it kind of thing. “I guess I’ll stay as long as I’m wanted.”
Anna squints up at him ever so subtly. “We always want you around, Otter. Isn’t that right, Bear?”
I mumble something to the effect.
“Forgive him,” she says to Otter. “He’s been locked up in this office all night, trying to avoid me.”
“I’m not avoiding you,” I bark at her. “I’ve had work to do.”
She grins sweetly at me. “Sure you have.” Otter glances back and forth between the two of us and arches his eyebrow. I try to keep myself from reaching out and pummeling the both of them.
“Do you have plans tonight?” Anna asks Otter. “Maybe we could get coffee or something when I get off of work. You know, catch up for old time’s sake.”
“Rain check?” he asks her. “I’ve got some… stuff to do. But definitely sometime soon, though, okay?”
She smiles again and nods. “Of course.” She glances at me again. “Bear, aren’t you off now? Why don’t you keep Otter company while he shops?” My hand is on the stapler, and I’m getting ready to chuck it at one of them (I don’t care who it hits) when she gives Otter another hug and turns and walks away. Otter watches her go for a moment and then turns back to me.
“Bear, put down the stapler before you hurt yourself,” he says, eyeing my raised arm.
“ANNA seems… good,” Otter says as we carry the groceries up the stairs.
I fumble with my keys as I try to open the door. “I guess so,” I grumble back to him. I find the right key and open the door, flipping on the light to the living room. He walks in and sets the bags on the table and then turns to me and takes the bags from my arms and puts them beside his. He then pulls me into his arms, and I try not to protest too much. I lay my head on his shoulder and sag against him. He puts one hand on my lower back and the other wraps around my shoulders. I feel safe when I’m with him like this, but this is something I won’t tell him as I can barely say it to myself. It is a foreign feeling to be able to be so conflicted about something, but that discord seems to go away as soon as I’m resting comfortably on him. We’ve only been doing whatever it is we’re doing for a few days now, but it doesn’t matter. I feel safe.
He pulls back slightly. “How’re you doing?” he asks me.
“Truthfully?” I ask, and he nods. “It’s been a very weird day.”
“Is this the first time you’ve seen Anna since you guys broke up?”
I nod and pull away. I sit down wearily at the table. “I think she knows,” I say quietly.
“Knows what?” he asks as he starts to put the groceries away.
I hesitate. I hadn’t meant to say this out loud. I hadn’t meant to bring this up at all, but the thought has been dancing around my head since I saw her earlier today. I had barricaded myself in the office to avoid her, but not because I thought she could glean anything from my face. I did it because I know Anna can read me better than almost anyone. I hid from her so I wouldn’t have to look at her looking at me.
I sigh. “Knows about… this,” I say spreading my arms. “I think she knows about… us.”
He pauses and then pulls a can out and sets in on the counter and turns to face me, crossing his arms. “Why do you think that, Bear?” he asks, his face kind and thoughtful.
I shrug. “Just some things she’s said,” I grumble.
“Would it be so bad if she did? If she knew about ‘this’?”
I pound the table with my fist, surprising myself and Otter. “What is this?” I ask him hotly. “What are we even doing, Otter?”
“I don’t know, Bear,” he says truthfully. “I keep asking myself that same thing.”
I wince at this. “You do? Do you… do you think it’s a bad thing?”
He chuckles softly and comes down and kneels before me, putting his hands on mine in my lap. “Hey,” he says.
“Hey, yourself,” I say back, unable to look away, waiting for him to answer.
“I don’t think this is bad at all,” he says seriously. “I told you that I would take whatever you were willing to give, just as long as at the end of it all, I’m still your friend. That’s always going to be a priority here, and I hope you understand that.”
“I do,” I tell him. “But could you really be okay if we were just friends? You know, after….”
He thinks for a moment and then says, “Bear, I truly think so, yes. I’ve told you that, and I’m always going to be honest with you, no matter what.”
I smile thinly. “Even if it’s bad?”
He laughs. “Even if it’s bad. You should always hear the truth from me.”
“Can I tell you a truth?” I ask, taking a deep breath. He nods. “I’m scared, Otter. About all… this. What if it’s not who I am?” I look away. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Do you think you could?”
“I don’t want to,” I whisper, clutching his hands. “I’ve just got you back, and I don’t want to do anything to drive you away. But I tried something last night and today, and it worries me.”
“And what was that, Bear?”
So I tell him. I tell him how last night I’d made sure Ty was asleep and then had turned on the computer and had gone online. I tell him how I had tried looking at… guys and stuff. I started with famous people. Then I went to dating sites and looked at pictures of men. Then it progressed to pictures of porn. Of guys doing things to each other that I had never even thought of. Then I finally struck up the nerve to click on a video and, making sure the sound was down, proceeded to watch the entire thing. Nothing. I was never turned on, even for a moment.
Then today, at work, while on my shift and in between fretting about the Kid and Anna, I had looked at some of the guys that come into the store. There were short ones and tall ones, fat ones and skinny ones, older guys and younger guys, muscles and no muscles. And not a single one of them turned my head. It wasn’t until Otter showed up looking like he did that I had even felt something remotely stirring.
While I tell him this, his expression never changes, and I want to hug him for it. He could laugh or snort or look disgusted by me, but he does none of that. He doesn’t move until I’m finished, and even then he looks thoughtfully up into my eyes, and I feel that longing again, and I wonder if I’m broken or defective or something. I’m about to say as much to try and crack a joke when he rises up and
presses his lips against mine. I’m shocked at first, but close my eyes and bring my hands up and take his head in my hands and rub my fingers through his hair. I sigh into his mouth as it opens, and he probes me with his tongue. I feel his big hands rubbing my legs gently, and then he breaks away from my lips and kisses the line of my jaw until he reaches my neck, where he nips and bites gently. My back arches languorously at the sensation, and I’m about to return the favor when he pulls away.
“Did you feel something then?” he asks.
I nod, eyes wide.
“So what does that mean?” he says as he brushes a hair out of my face.
I hesitate before saying quietly, “I don’t know.”
He sits back on his butt and crosses his long legs in front of him and looks down at his hands, lost in thought. I drink him in while I can. His blond hair is getting longer and falls over his face. He takes a big hand and pushes it back. He takes a deep breath, and I see his chest rise gently through his shirt. The way he’s folded up right now makes him look so compact, but I know it’s just an illusion. His nose is kind of crooked, like his smile, but it doesn’t detract from anything. In fact, it makes him even more appealing. Blond stubble lines his cheeks. I can’t see his eyes, but I know what they look like, gold in green. He reaches up and scratches the back of his head, and I can see how strong his arms are, even through the jacket. I try to remember what they feel like around me. I try to imagine them against my bare skin. His hand rubbing slowly on my chest. It would stop at my heart, just to feel it beat, but then it would move on, a finger running softly (but not too soft) over my nipples. I would feel the heat of him against me, and the gold-green would shine, and his mouth would fall onto mine, and there would be stars….
With a half-strangled yelp, I leap from my chair and fall on top of him. Quicker than ever (it’s like he’s always expecting me), his arms come up and fold around me. I press my lips against his, and my eyes are open, and his are open, and we gaze upon each other, and he sits up straighter and pulls me closer, and my hands are here, there, everywhere, and I don’t want to stop so I rock against him, grinding myself into him. He gasps slightly and fights back with renewed strength. I can feel him underneath me and suddenly there’s an ache inside me, an itch just begging to be scratched. It’s almost enough to toss all my inhibitions aside. Almost. Breathing heavily, I sit back, his arms resting around my waist, his paws on my ass. He looks at me through half-lidded eyes, and I can’t help but laugh through my panic. He shakes his head to clear the fuzz out and chuckles.
“What was that for?” he asks. He grins up at me appreciatively.
I shrug, trying to ignore how hard I am. “It’s weird, Otter. I obviously feel something for you, but why is it that nobody else does that to me?”
He pulls me forward and kisses my nose. It tickles and burns. “I don’t know, Bear. Maybe I shouldn’t try and discern why you don’t feel something for other guys. It means I get to keep you all to myself.”
I groan and punch his arm. “That doesn’t help at all.” I look down at him, and he smiles crookedly back at me. His eyes show me how he feels about me, and I want to cower, but I try and push it away. Why is it that he can do this to me? It’s not humanly possible for me to be… like that for just one person, is it? That’s not how biology works. But then again, I’ve never felt this need with anyone before. It wasn’t even this bad with Anna, I think darkly. It’s like he’s lit a fire under me and then set me down on the sun. Once again, I think back to what Anna asked me at the end of our fight and wonder if this is what she saw. She’s seen me around Otter enough times, but was it something I did? I’ve obviously never acted toward him like this before. How could she see it? And how can nobody else?
“Bear,” Otter says, breaking me out of my reverie. “You’re thinking too hard again. Stop trying to figure everything out all the time.”
I roll my eyes. “I was just thinking about something Anna said,” I say without meaning to. It seems that I can’t keep my thoughts from traveling to my mouth for anything.
“What did she say?”
I get off him, move to the counter, and start unpacking the rest of the groceries. I’m trying to stall for time, trying to make something up in my head that would sound remotely plausible, but it would be a lie, and I can’t lie to him, no matter how hard I try. I may withhold the truth, but I could not look at him and be dishonest. It would seem he’s got quite the hold over me, and I blush quietly.
Otter comes up behind me and takes the food out of my hand and sets it back down. I grip the edges of the countertop and try not to sway as a wave of vertigo sweeps me. I know if he asks me, I’m going to tell him what she said. Part of me wants him to. Part of me doesn’t. Saying things for others to hear has never gotten me anywhere.
“What did she say, Bear?” he asks.
Shit.
My knuckles turn white as I say, “She… she asked if you ever flirted with me.”
“When was this? When you guys were fighting the last time?” There’s no recrimination in his voice like I expected there to be. I think now he knows I didn’t tell him everything.
I hazard a glance at him, and I see his face is kind. This emboldens me slightly. “Yeah. She asked me that and… and something else.”
“What else?”
“She asked if—” The words choke in my mouth, and I don’t know if I can speak further. I don’t want to have him freak out or anything. Two guys should never be having this kind of conversation. It should have never come to this.
Then why is it so hard, Bear? that damned voice whispers. If it shouldn’t be like this, then why are you so afraid? Do you think he’ll be grossed out? That he’ll walk out the door again and not come back? That you’ll have gone through all of this for nothing? Maybe he will; maybe he won’t. But if you never ask, if you never say what’s in your heart, then you might as well give up now. You’ll never amount to anything.
I try to listen, but I can’t help it.
“Never mind,” I say forcefully. “It doesn’t matter.” I go to push past him to go anywhere but where I am, but he grabs my arm and stops me in my tracks. I curse him silently and try not to struggle.
“You should know by now that doesn’t fly with me,” he says sternly. “Whatever it is, you might as well tell me. It’ll make all of this a lot easier.”
I sigh, annoyed. “Otter, you don’t have any idea how hard this is for me! You think that just because I’ve acted this way around you that it’s an easy thing to do.” I blink angrily as tears threaten to rise. “You don’t know what it’s like,” I continue harshly, “questioning everything I’ve ever done. This makes no sense to me! Why am I only wanting you? If I’m supposed to be… that, then why doesn’t anything else catch my eye? What the hell does that make me?”
“I wish I could tell you,” he says gruffly. “I wish I had an explanation for you so that we were both satisfied. You only want me that way, great. It should make me feel on top of the fucking world.” He takes a ragged breath. “But it doesn’t. It makes me wonder if I was right all along, that I influenced you somehow. That I made you this way.”
I roll my eyes. “I think that’s really fucking retarded.”
He laughs shakily. “I know it is,” he tells me. “But what’s the alternative? You can’t just be… gay for one person, Bear. It just doesn’t work that way.”
“I’m not gay,” I say quickly, immediately feeling like an ass.
“I never said you were,” Otter reassures me. “You’re just you. I could never ask for any more, nor would I expect any less. Besides,” he says, chuckling softly to himself, “I hate labels. You don’t need to be labeled anything.”
I think hard, but just for a moment. “If I tell you what she said, can I ask you something?”
He nods. “Anything. You know that.”
I turn to face him, not exactly wanting to, but more afraid not to see his face when I speak next. I have to know what he thinks.
“Anna asked me if you ever flirted with me,” I say. “I told her no because I never really thought you had. But then she asked me something else, and that’s why I think she knows. That’s why she called you after we fought because she saw something in my eyes or heard me say something that sounded untrue.”
“Okay,” he says, still holding onto my arm.
“She asked me if….” SAY IT, YOU ASSHOLE! “She asked me if you were in love with me.” It comes out in a rush, and it feels so good to say this to someone else, to get this off my chest. It’s only been a few days, and I had tried not to dwell on it too much, but it must have been there more than I thought because I immediately feel a weight lift from me ever so slightly. “I didn’t know what to do, so I kind of freaked out and kind of yelled at her. She said I was lying.” My breath is coming in hitches now, but I won’t stop, I can’t stop. “She then asked if I was in love with you, and I panicked, Otter. I panicked. I said no right away, and I don’t know what it means because I felt guilty right away, and I wanted to take it back because it sounded so final.”
I want to look at him, but I can’t. Not yet. “I was still so mad at you for leaving and coming back. I was angry because it seemed like that even though you were back, we were still fighting, and I had all this hatred in me. I didn’t know how long you were going to stay. I didn’t know if I would wake up, and you would be gone again. I didn’t know why you couldn’t answer me when I asked you about what Anna had said, that you had thought you lost the only happiness you could ever have. I thought it was me. I thought I had done something wrong to make you walk away like that. But even then, I couldn’t stay away. I’ve never felt this torn or conflicted about anything in my life!
“I keep asking myself what would have happened if you’d never come back. What if Otter had decided not to come back ever again? And that scares me, because I know I would still be where I was. I don’t know if that’s good or not. It wasn’t so bad where I was at. I loved Anna. I love Anna. It’s just not the same as it used to be, even after these few days, and that upsets me. She’s been there for me more than you ever were, but here I am, having this conversation with you instead of her. I’m sad because I have to lie to her. I know she cares about me, but I don’t know if she could ever understand this. How could she when I don’t?”