by T. J. Klune
She sighs and looks to me for help, that pleading look on her face that I’ve seen countless times before. I feel the skin under my eye twitch involuntarily, and I think wildly that she’ll imagine I’m winking at her. But she doesn’t, and I think she knows she won’t get any help from me. I want Otter here. I need Otter here. That annoying begging look of her dissolves, and we’re left with the pudgy shy expression that’s rested on her face since we got here. But there’s something underneath. Something deeper.
“So, Bear,” she says, her voice cracking subtly, “what have you been up to?”
“What do you want?” I ask again.
My mother shakes her head. “Can’t I just ask you one simple question without you biting my head off? Tyson has already told me all about his school and friends, and I just want to hear how things are with you.”
“No, I didn’t,” Ty intones.
“I know you didn’t, Kid,” I say, patting him on the leg.
Mom looks offended. “You know,” she says angrily, “regardless of what I did, regardless of how badly I reacted, I’m still your mother. I still care about the both of you more than you could ever know.”
“Gee, thanks,” I scoff at her, struggling to keep from shouting. “That’s sure helped me over the past three years when I’ve tried to sleep at night.”
Her eyes flash. “It wasn’t easy for me, you know,” she says hotly. “Making that decision was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve regretted it every day since, but the more I tried to figure out how to fix it, the more time passed, and it got harder and harder.”
“You want to talk about how hard it was for you?” I say incredulously. “You want to come here, to my house, and spout how difficult life was for you? You don’t know anything about hardship!”
“I did what I thought was best!” she cries. “I was in no place to be a good mom to either of you! It was better that I go than stay here and ruin your lives too!”
I feel myself start to shake, and I hear thunder in my ears and lightning arcs its way down my spine. “What you thought was best? How could you think what you did would be best? You left your six-year-old son with a seventeen-year-old! In what possible way could that be best?”
She shakes her head and tries to rise but sits promptly back down. She wrings her hands, and they’re starting to turn red, and her gaze darts between the three of us. I wonder what she sees now, and know that if I was in her position, I would be quaking in my shoes.
“I was being selfish. I know that now!” she says. “It wasn’t fair to either of you and I… I want you to know that I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself.” When she finishes, I see the beginnings of tears in her eyes, but they only prove to make me angrier.
“Is that why you’re here?” I growl. “To seek our forgiveness?”
“I… I don’t know, Bear. I thought that—that if I came back….” She turns her head and brings up a hand to wipe at her eye, and I see her makeup smudge. It makes me want to get up and put my hands around her throat and throttle her until I hear a rattle in her throat as the last breath escapes.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I say. “If you came to see how we were, at least now you know. You’ve got that to appease your fucking conscience.”
“Don’t use that kind of language with me, young man,” she snaps. “I am still your mother, and I will not have you talking to me like that.”
“I don’t think you get to dictate what he does or does not say,” Otter lashes out. “You lost that right a long time ago, Julie, when you took the coward’s way out.”
She turns her irritation to him. “I wasn’t talking to you, Oliver,” she says, annoyed. “Since when do you sit in on family discussions like this, anyways? Don’t you have your own home to go to? Or did you feel like slumming it for a while?”
“Don’t talk to Otter that way!” the Kid suddenly shouts. I barely flinch, but Mom recoils sharply in her seat, and I think she’s going to fall over. I look over at Ty and see he’s resumed the look of pure fury on his face, and it’s directed at his mother. “He’s more of my family than you are!”
“Ty, this is a grown-up matter,” she says through gritted teeth. “Why don’t you go to your room, and we can talk later.”
“You don’t get to tell him what to do,” I shout at her. “You gave that up when you walked away!”
“What else was I supposed to do?” she shouts back. “If I’d stayed, everything would have gone to hell, and who knows where we’d be now?”
“We would have gotten through it somehow!” I cry. “We always did! It doesn’t matter how hard things get, you never run out on your fucking family!” I pause, my hands shaking. Both Ty and Otter have their hands on my leg now, and it’s not lost to me when my mom’s eyes dart there. “But I tell you what,” I continue. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe the best thing for you was to leave. Maybe it was the best thing for all of us. I know I would have hated you even more than I do now for dragging us down with you.”
“I didn’t want to,” she whispers, tears flowing freely now. “I couldn’t see any other way….”
“We’ve established that,” Otter says dryly. “Now why don’t you answer Bear’s question? Why are you here?”
She shoots daggers at him again and looks down at her hands. “I told you: I wanted to see how my sons were doing. I needed to make sure they were okay. I’ve been thinking about you two more lately than I have in a long time.” She shudders and pushes on. “I know how that sounds, trust me. I don’t mean it to be harsh in any way. But… regardless of how you feel about me right now, you are still my children, and I—I don’t know. I think its guilt or it’s something else, but lately, you guys have been stuck in my head. There’s sometimes I think I see you walking down the street, and I know it’s not possible, but I still run after you, and, of course, when I get there, it’s not you at all. It doesn’t even look like you.” Otter and I both stare wide-eyed at each other, remembering the story he had told me from his time in San Diego when I haunted him.
“It’s weird,” she continues, “but I got it going that I needed to come home and see my sons. I thought that maybe I could learn to be a good mother and that….” She stops and looks up at me, eyes shiny. “Does anything I am saying make sense?” she asks quietly.
“It does,” I concede, refusing to let her know why. “I understand more than you could possibly know.” I shake my head as she starts to look hopeful. “But it’s too little, too late. Whatever you hoped to accomplish here is done.”
“You can’t ever forgive me?” she says dully.
“One day, maybe. Now? No. I can’t. And you being here has only made it worse. I think it best for all of us if you just leave.”
“Ty?” she says meekly, and I hate her for it.
The Kid shakes his head. “I don’t want you here. Papa Bear has taken care of me more than you ever did or ever could. I’m only nine, and I can see that.” He glances over at me, and I smile at him and that gives him courage to continue. “He’s had me to look after for a long time and things are finally starting to be okay. I’ve done my best to take care of him, and I think I’ve done a good job.”
“You have, Kid,” I whisper to him, and he smiles.
He glances up at Otter, who kisses his forehead, and he looks back at his mom. “And then Otter came back because he realized that he loved Bear, and Bear loves him, and we don’t need anyone telling us how to be a family ever again.” He pauses, and then his face goes white.
It probably matches my own.
My mom’s eyes flash up. She stares at the Kid and then looks between me and Otter and shakes her head. “He what?” she asks quietly.
“It’s nothing,” I say quickly. “You need to go.”
When she looks at me next, there’s something in her eyes, something I can’t quite place. It fills me with dread because the closest thing I can equate it to is victory. She looks like she just won something, and my heart fr
eezes in my chest. My skin feels clammy.
“I heard… about you,” she says to Otter, her voice dripping with obvious disgust. “Before I left, someone told me that they had seen you going into a fag bar up in Portland. I didn’t believe it. I told them there’s no way… no way that you’d be like that.”
“You have no idea what you’re talk—” Otter starts, his eyes blazing.
“It doesn’t matter,” I interrupt. “Whatever he is will never be a concern of yours.” I take a deep breath. “Whatever I am is no longer your affair. You can’t dictate how we live our lives ever again.”
“I am your mother,” she hisses. “I brought you into this world, so that gives me more right than you!” Her mouth twists up in a sneer, but this is my mother; even I can see that underneath she’s smiling. “And,” she says, her eyes flicking over the Kid, “I’m his mother too. Who do you think people will listen to, Bear? A child like you who’s been corrupted, or to a mother who wants nothing more than to see her youngest son raised away from the disgusting lifestyle you seem to have embraced?”
“You need to leave,” Otter growls, placing the Kid to the side as if he’s getting ready to pounce. “Now. I’ve had enough of your talk.”
She puffs up as much as she can, trying to make herself seem bigger, and for that, I have to give her credit. If I had Otter glowering at me as he is at her, I would have run away and not stopped until I was sure I was in another state. The Kid is squished down between us, but I still feel the way Otter is shaking. It’s like his skin is alive, roiling and crawling over his bones. His teeth are bared and there’s spit hanging from his lip. The gold-green is gone, dilated to almost complete blackness. His forehead is scrunched up, and his nose is flaring, and all I want to do is sit back and let him at her. She would deserve it. But I can’t let Otter do this. I can’t let him fight my battles for me. I also know that if he breaks into this madness that seems to be lapping at his feet, I will quickly follow, and I don’t want Ty to see us like that. I make a choice, and it hurts, hurts more than I thought it would. She’s been back for a few hours, and it feels like she’s already winning.
I reach over and grasp Otter’s arm, and his angry face turns to me and for a moment, I get the full brunt of what he has shown my mother. I almost do get up and run, but I find some resolve to push that away, and I’m surprised when I don’t even flinch. He breathes heavily for a moment longer, and then his face softens, and his eyes grow brighter, and his lip curls back down, and he’s come back to me, and I’m glad. I jerk my head to the left, motioning him to follow. He nods and grabs the Kid’s hand, and we rise from the couch. My mother looks to speak, but I shoot her a look, and she subsides. Otter follows Ty, who follows me, and I lead them to the front door. I know my mother is listening intently, hoping to glean anything she can. We go outside, and I close the door behind us.
“Where are we going, Bear?” the Kids asks, his voice small.
I sigh. “We aren’t going anywhere, Ty. You are going to go with Otter to his house and wait for me there.” Both start to protest immediately, but I raise my hand and they fall silent at once. I look at Otter, who looks like he is going to start speaking again at any moment. “You need to get him out of here,” I say. “I won’t have the Kid listening to whatever hate she is going to utter. Take him to your house. Get him out of here, Otter. Please,” I say when he starts to protest. “For me.” His shoulders sag, and he wraps an arm around the Kid’s shoulders, which Ty shoves away.
“No, Bear,” the Kid croaks angrily. “We have to do this together. You said we would do this together—”
“I know I did,” I say harshly, cutting him off. “But that was before I saw what kind of person she’s become. You don’t need to be here for this, Kid. I don’t want you here for this. You have to let me handle it.” His eyes search mine, and he must not like what he sees because his body starts to mimic Otter’s, beaten and dejected.
“Take him home,” I whisper to Otter. “Take him away from here, and I promise I’ll follow you, just as soon as I get rid of her.” Otter nods and starts to pull the Kid toward the stairs, but Ty breaks away and wraps his arms around my waist, his head pressing into my stomach. I lean down and hug him back as hard as I can, trying to make him forget this day. I don’t know how successful I am.
After a minute or so, I relax my grip and am about to turn back inside when he grabs my wrist and pulls me down. His breath is hot and urgent against my ear. “You promise me, Bear,” he breathes into my ear, and I think of the desert. “You promise me that when you come to get me that everything will be the same. You promise me.”
I smile sadly. “I promise, Kid. I’ve taken care of you this far, right?” He nods.
I lean back up and look at Otter, who looks old, older than I’ve ever seen him. His shoulders are still hunched, and I don’t know if he heard what the Kid has said. I reach out and grasp his hand, and he raises his head, and I see his eyes are filled with angry tears. “Hey, none of that,” I chide, reaching up to lovingly wipe his eyes.
“Ty,” he whispers hoarsely. “Will you go wait for me by the car?” Ty looks between the two of us, and I wonder what he sees. The Kid grabs my free hand and kisses the back of it, and it touches me like I never thought he could. I can feel my breath starting to hitch in my chest and I try to quell it before it can go further. The Kid walks down the stairs and the farther away he gets, the tinier he looks. It’s like he’s growing smaller and smaller and will disappear if I look away.
When Ty is out of earshot, I look back at Otter, who seems to have gathered some resolve and control. I smile at him, and he raises his head again, and I see that the control is a lie. His eyes are black once more, and I start to sweat, and I think that he’s going to burst into the apartment and tear her limb from limb. I start to open my mouth, but the air rushes out of me when I’m slammed up against the side of the apartment. Otter’s body and face press against mine, and his kiss is rough and dangerous. I can feel him clawing against my back and gnashing at my lips. Even with my mother sitting not fifteen feet away, I feel myself grow hard. Otter notices, too, and growls against my face. I reach up and bring my hands to the back of his head, pushing him further into me. He kisses my lips and then nips and licks his way along my jaw until he reaches my neck, and I feel his teeth sink gently into the skin there, and he starts to suck. I lay my head back against the wall as my eyes roll up into my head, and I start to float away on an ocean current. There’s no storm, but I’m completely submerged now. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.
Otter finally leans back, and I can feel the gentle burn on my neck where I know he’s left his mark. I gaze up at my boyfriend and see the wildness fleeting once again from his eyes, and he puts his forehead against mine. We stand there for what seems like hours, him exhaling while I inhale, and I fill myself up with Otter, with air that was once inside him but now is inside me. I feel a drop fall down on my hand and open my eyes, in time to see another tear fall from his eyes.
“Now she’ll know,” he grumbles into my face. “Now she’ll know you’re mine.”
I cup his face in my hands and kiss him gently. “That she will,” I tell him.
He suddenly jerks away and shoves his hands into his pockets and makes for the stairs. I put my hand on the doorknob and watch him walk away. When he gets to the bottom, he turns, just like I knew he would. God, I love how Otter is so predictable.
“I love you, Papa Bear,” he calls up to me, his voice steady.
“I know,” I say. “I think I’ve always known.”
He nods and then disappears into the dark.
“HOW long?” Mom sputters, as I walk back into the living room. “How long have you been living in sin?”
I snort. “Sin? Come on, Mother.” I sit down on the couch and glare up at her as she paces back and forth in front of me. “You’ve never been one for religion, so it’s probably not a good idea for you to start now. You’ll only embarrass yourself more t
han you already have.”
She stops in front of me, looking incredulous. “You’re worried about me embarrassing myself? Look at you! I didn’t raise you to become Otter’s bitch!” she yelps at me. “You’re not a fag, Bear! What the hell has he done to you?” She starts wringing her hands again, and I think that soon they’ll fall off.
“He hasn’t done anything to me,” I say, frowning. “Well, not anything I didn’t want him to do.” It’s a cheap shot, I know, but I can’t help feeling a sweeping sense of glee as I see her eyes widen, and she pulls back. “And don’t say fag. Ty says that word is crude, and I believe him.”
“How long?” she says with a grimace, resuming her trek back and forth in front of me.
“How long what, Mother?”
“How long has he been corrupting you?”
I narrow my eyes. “Get it through your head, right now: he hasn’t done anything to me that I didn’t want him to do.”
“You weren’t like this when I was here!” she wails. “I would have never let you become this… this thing that you seem to think you are!”
“Then it’s probably a good thing you left!” I roar at her. “And if you think that you’re staying would have made one goddamned bit of difference, then you’re even more stupid than I thought!”
“Don’t… don’t even…,” she stutters. “Don’t you dare….”
I jump to my feet, my face inches from hers. “Dare what?” I sneer, feeling my lip curl up, and I know I look like Otter did just moments ago. Savage pride rolls up through me, starting at my toes and kicking its way up my spine. “Dare what?” I say again, low and hot.
“The bible says—”
“I said drop that bullshit!” I shout at her. “Who the hell are you, coming into my house, telling me what’s right and wrong? Just who the hell do you think you are?”
She attempts to pull herself up to her full height, which was never very impressive. “I know who I am,” she shivers at me. “And I know who you are… or who you were. You used to be my son, and now all I see is—is this queer standing in front of me.”