by Olivia Snow
“I’m doing…fine.” I said, lifting my arm to draw attention to the IV inserted in my skin, clearly I wasn't fine.
“It’s all right to be upset about his death Ava, your guilt can come afterwards. We both know what happens when you don't deal with your grief.”
“How did you—?
“The first time you spoke about Vanessa and Gabriel I had an inkling and then when you brought him to see Kimberly I knew.” Dr. Charles interrupted me to explain how in all that is holy he was able to figure out the love triangle I was in. He walked to my side and sat down placing a hand on my shoulder.
“It’s all right, let it out, Ava.” I stared into his eyes, something in them said I could trust him and I felt like he was trustworthy, I let go and like a hammer to a dam my tears were unleashed. I bit my bottom lip to try and hold back the sobs, but there was no point. Pain gutted my insides, sobbing I curled next to him, as he pet my head tenderly like a father did to his daughter. I wonder if I’m destined to live a life of heartaches and sadness. Truth, I didn’t deserve to be happy, everywhere I went a trail of darkness and negativity followed me, killing anything beautiful that came in contact with me. It wasn’t until meeting Gabriel that I was brought back from the darkness and now he was gone, taking with him the last remaining goodness in me. The scars in my heart he helped heal were now ripped open and there was no needle sharp enough in this world that could seal them back up.
On day, seven of my stay in the hospital I was given the OK to check out along with an inch thick of pamphlets with information on different rehabs. It was time to do this I couldn't continue living my life this way. I thought back on the conversation Dr. Charles and I had that finally made me realize I needed help.
“Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?” He asked.
“Yes.”
“Well?” He urged me to continue.
“I’m still here, aren't I?”
“Why didn't you go through with it?” He replied taking a look out the hospital window.
“Because, I’m not weak.” That sounded horrible and judgmental, but it was the way I felt.
“You call living your life half-assed and drinking yourself to death strong?” Whoa, all right then, Dr. Charles grew some teeth.
“Wait, you can’t talk to me that way. You're a professional. That’s like breaking some kind of rule.” I was already sitting up on my bed, ready to get this verbal battle underway.
“I’m not here as your therapist, Ava, I’m here as a friend. Speaking to you as a friend you are slowly killing yourself if you keep drinking the way you have been. Don't you want to live? Get married, have children, go to college, travel? Not in that order but don't you want to live?” I’m not sure why but this time his words sank in, the strangest part was as he was speaking all I heard was my babbo’s voice.
“Ava, baby?” Rose shook me from my sleep.
“You’re making this a habit, Rose.” I answered dryly, steering in the hospital bed. I thought I’d get one last nap before checking out, clearly, that wasn't happening.
“We need to talk.” She said grimly.
Ugh, what now?
I sat up from my sleep, resting my back against the plastic headboard of the bed. Rose gave me a look, only one would make when they were about to release a bomb of bad news.
“I spoke to your Zio Lorenzo.” She said sheepishly, lowering her eyes she looked down at the thin hospital sheet. Zio Enzo was my dad’s older brother. The last time I had seen him and his wife was at my dad’s funeral, he called every now and then to check up on us.
“Aha…” I probed her to continue.
“Your grandparents have died, it seems your grandmother passed away four months ago from a heart attack and your grandfather died two months later from the same thing. Lorenzo would have called when she passed but your grandfather became very ill after her death. They were very worried about him.” We didn't get a call because obviously, taking care of him became a priority and calling foreign family members to tell them the news was not as important, I understood.
“All right.” I replied, I felt bad for not feeling bad but honestly how could I be sad about people I never knew. Not to mention disowned my father for marrying my mother. They never even tried to meet me. The only person I knew from the Veneziano side was my Zio Enzo, his wife and kids. Even our relationship with him had to stay secret my grandparents would have disowned him if they knew we were in contact. The only person I felt bad for was Enzo, regardless of how old you were losing your parents was devastating.
Rose cleared her throat before continuing. “They left Babbo an inheritance, but since he's no longer with us—his will states you as his sole beneficiary.”
What the hell? My head was spinning, what was she trying to say? Damn it, women spit it out!
“What are you saying, Rose?”
“Ava, I’m saying you just inherited a lot of money.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Vanessa
Four days after his funeral I began to wonder where Ava was. I was so wrapped up inside my own head I had completely forgotten about her. My mind was slow to process everything not eating for two days would do that to you. Mother threatened to admit me in a psychiatric hospital if I didn't start eating, never the one to test mother’s threats, even in my distraught state, I ate.
“Where are Ava…and Aunt Rose?” I asked pushing a piece of chicken around with my fork making it collide with a cherry tomato then dipping it in a puddle of dressing. Mother looked up from reading the newspaper with a curious look on her face. She then snorted in the most dignified way. “Vanessa, your cousin, the one you think so highly of is in the hospital…detoxing…from alcohol. Please don't waste your concern on her.” Wow…just wow. She was truly enjoying sharing this information with me. I had no energy to fight her on the way she was savoring Ava’s troubles, so I continued to play with my food. The doorbell rang and my spirits rose just by the slight chance that it might be Ava.
“Maybe that’s them?” I said sipping on my water, trying to cover my excitement with the glass…which, maybe wasn't the best idea…since it was glass…and glass is see-through…
Mother’s body stiffened. “Dolores, who was that?” She shouted from the dining room.
“Delivery for Ms. Vanessa.” Dolores replied, walking towards me with a manila envelope in her hand I was instantly intrigued by the envelope, who would just drop this off without a return address? Just as I ripped it open. Ava and Aunt Rose stepped into the dining room with over night bags in each of their hands. I glanced at them before pulling out the contents of the mystery delivery. Ava smiled at me like I was her saving grace at that moment I felt maybe just maybe I would be all right that even though I had lost Gabriel I still had Ava. But then all those warm fuzzy feelings came crashing down as I looked at the picture in my hands, attached was a small piece of paper that read:
Ava,
I hope this picture brings you happiness and joy as it has me. Knowing that my Gabriel loved you as much or if not more than you loved him. I will look back on this day, when I opened the door to his bedroom finding him sleeping with you in his arms, and smile. He truly loved you. I hope you don't mind the small invasion of privacy. Your kind of love is supposed to be printed on paper .I hope one day your heart has healed enough to see me again .I have so much to say to you.
Take care, honey
Angela.
My breath hitched, once again I felt like the world had crumbled underneath me, gripping the picture I looked up at Ava, she was clearly confused and that only made me even madder. Just as she was stepping in my direction I flung the picture at her. In slow motion, the photo glided through the air, floating down like a dried up leaf crashing to the floor, taking my trust and faith in my family along with it.
Epilogue
Eight months later…
Sicily was amazing. I wondered why people ever left after vacationing here. The food, the people, the culture, it was a true para
dise. Particularly perfect for running away from your problems. After the photo fiasco, Vanessa called me every name in the book and after weeks of us yelling and screaming at each other Rose thought it would be best if we moved out. I gave her one better and dropped out of high school, got my G.E.D. and flew to Sicily to finalize the paper work in order to receive my inheritance. I wasn't sure if I would ever touch it, to me it felt tainted, soiled with the legacy of my grandparents. Nevertheless, I came, staying with my Zio Enzo and his family. In our weekly conversations, Rose informed me that she was now head of the Administration Department of one of Uncle Bill’s offices. She said she was happy and enjoyed staying in Vail. I continued to speak to Dr. Charles although he was no longer my therapist. I called him as a ‘friend’ I respected him and valued his opinion. I guess I was still desperate for a father figure; I turned my therapist into one without even realizing it. During my discussions with Rose I’d ask her about Vanessa. She would always answer with a vague return. “She’s well.” “She was accepted into DU.” Was the most current information. I felt like shit about the way she found out about Gabriel and I but I never let it linger because I’m an asshole like that and I was a selfish bitch who ran away from her problems, until, this morning when Rose called.
“What up, Rose?” I answered nonchalantly. Rose lets out a heavy sigh before speaking.
“We need to talk.” She replied.
“Okay?” You know it’s going to be bad news because who the hell starts a normal conversation like that?
“Ava, you need to come home.” Okay, maybe not.
“Um, yeah, no.”
“Ava, Vanessa…Vanessa’s not well.” She replied, my stomach dropped.
“What happened?” I asked frantically getting off my bed gripping my phone.
“She’s gotten into some trouble. Your aunt and uncle want you to come home and resolve what happened between you two. They believe that will help her get back on track. Bill has a plan that will force her to speak to you.”
Oh ho ho, fucking fantastic, now they wanted me to be around. Eleven months ago Cynthia did everything to try to keep her away from me. I considered for a minute too long, could I go back? Could I go back to face my problems. Face Vanessa? Ava Veneziano doesn't face her problems. She runs from them like a coward. And speaks about herself in the third person apparently. I gripped my crucifix my father’s voice rang in my head. “La famiglia è per sempre” family is forever. Even if it was a dysfunctional, messed up, perverse family. It was still my family.
“I’m on my way.”
Acknowledgements
First and for most I want to begin by thanking my parents, without them well, I wouldn’t be here. Thank you very much for all your sacrifices and hard work. Los amo tanto. Thank you to my older brother who when I said I wanted to write a book he said, “Fuck it, do it.” You don’t know much that motivated me to start writing. Thank you to my BFF for editing and reading even though she was incredibly busy, she still took the time to help me. I love ya, Tink! And last but certainly not least, thank you to my husband, my soul mate, my best friend the father of my beautiful children, you are the reason why I felt confident enough in myself to start this process, because of you and your success I was inspired to pursue this. You gave me encouraging words when I wasn’t sure I could continue. I love you.