by ML Nystrom
Eva must have called ahead, as Dr. Jackson met me at the door with a gurney. I lifted Toto onto it and followed the rolling table into the clinic on the emergency side. She pushed the contraption past the other people in the waiting room. I didn’t look to see who was there; my focus was on my dog.
Lindsey started an IV, took vitals as she always did, but I could tell this was only because of procedure. She knew as well as I did what the outcome of this visit would be.
“I’m giving her a relaxant to loosen her muscles and get her out of this spasm.” Her brown eyes met mine, her face solemn. Her lips thinned as she pressed them together, her bright red lipstick disappearing. “You know what I’m going to say,” she said, her voice quavering a bit. She had been Toto’s vet ever since I moved back home with the tiny ball of fluff I had adopted so many years ago. This was affecting her as well.
I bit my own lip and nodded. “Yes, I think it’s time.”
She nodded back. “I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”
Toto’s body had finally relaxed and her heavy labored panting had stopped, but she was still staring off into the distance, her big brown eyes dilated and confused. I stroked her thick brown and gray hair.
“Long time, eh, girl?” I said, the tears gathering. “You’ve been with me since it all started, back when my shop was nothing more than a dream. We’ve been through a lot, both good and bad. Lot of other dogs have come and gone through our house, but you were my first and always mine. Mine and Adam’s. Love you, girl.”
She pushed a paw to rest on top of my hand near her head. She could hear me and responded so I knew she was still with me. Her simple gesture, one she had done many times over the years, broke me. The tears started streaming down my face unchecked. I heard the door to the exam room open up and I turned, ready to deny what was coming. That I wasn’t ready yet. Instead of Dr. Jackson’s ample frame, Blue stood in the doorway wearing his khaki deputy uniform, one hand on the knob and the other grasping the doorjamb. I didn’t say anything. He came over to me and laid his arm over my shoulder, holding me close to his side. He reached out his other hand to stroke over Toto’s coarse brown hair.
“Easy, girl,” he murmured, to both me and my dog. “I went by the store and Eva told me what happened.”
I knew he was still on duty but was glad he took the time to come be with me now. We just stood there, the two of us, stroking my dog, finding comfort in that simple, silent action.
I heard Dr. Jackson come back into the room and move off to the side. She would stay there all day until I gave her the go ahead. I brushed my eyes, looked over at her and nodded.
“Do you want to stay in the room?” she asked.
“Yes,” I managed to say. My dog was not going to die alone. I was surprised how steady I felt. Blue’s strong presence held me up.
The vet moved to where the IV was dripping into Toto’s front paw and drew two full syringes from her pocket. This was not the first time I had witnessed this procedure, but it was the first time I watched it happen to my own pet. She pushed the needles one after the other into the IV tube and emptied the contents. About a minute later, Toto closed her staring eyes and breathed out a long breath as if sighing in relief that it was finally over.
I felt my heart. It was breaking. Physically, painfully breaking, but I still had to hold it together, just a little longer. Blue pressed me tighter against his body. I stifled my tears long enough to ask for Toto to be cremated, sign the necessary papers, and swipe my debit card to pay for everything. Dr. Jackson’s eyes were suspiciously wet and I expected she too would be crying later.
Blue stayed right by my side while Lindsey wheeled Toto’s body into the back room, where she would be transported to the facility they use for cremation. I would get a cherrywood box with her ashes in a few days.
Blue didn’t let me go to my truck, but led me to his patrol car. I didn’t protest when he took me back to my store and guided me in the door and up the stairs to the upper floor. I looked through the back hallway window that looked out to the courtyard where the other dogs were lounging in the sun. Blue stood behind me, holding me against his broad chest, wrapping me up with his strong arms across my middle. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. He could feel the hurt coursing through my body.
Zeke was the first one to notice me and sat up, looking at me with his two different colored eyes, head cocked over and ears standing up. He whined once and then threw back his head in a long mournful howl. Dion curled up next to him and cried out himself. Sam was the only one who didn’t make any noise but sat with the others, his head hanging low to the ground.
I’d held it together until then, but watching my dogs grieve our pack’s loss was too much. I lost it.
Blue turned me and held me to his chest, letting my tears soak into his uniform. I wasn’t a pretty crier. My face got blotchy, my eyes swelled, and my nose plugged up, making my voice sound funny. This was not my favorite look and I tried to avoid it when I could, but at the moment, all I could do was cling to the solid man who held me in an iron grip, stroking his hand up and down my back.
“Let it out, baby,” he crooned at my temple. “You’re allowed. Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed my hair gently, giving me an anchor.
How could I stay mad at this man? If I wasn’t so upset, my mind might have latched on to the fact that he just called me baby.
I didn’t know how long my crying jag lasted. It could have been a few minutes, it could have been much longer, but eventually I emptied myself, leaving a huge wet spot on his khaki shirt. I didn’t really want him to see the wreck that my face had become and didn’t want to move either. He solved that dilemma by lifting my chin with his fingers and covering my mouth with his, softly but firmly kissing me.
Blue tasted the salt of her tears as she finally cried herself out. He knew Toto was her special dog, the one that had been with her the longest. Her grief was sharply acute and he felt how far it went. He stroked his tongue across her lips, asking for entrance. She made a noise and opened up to let him in. He rubbed her back more to soothe as he explored her mouth, licking at her lips, sucking the lower one and touching it with just the tip of his tongue. She burrowed closer, her breasts pressing against his chest. He could feel her need for comfort and it was something he was able to give. She was hurting and it was his job to take care of her, a role he gladly accepted.
He was still reluctant to leave her and forced himself to back off, end the kiss, and ease his grip around her. She hesitated before doing the same.
“I’m sorry for getting your shirt all wet.” She sniffed and tried to discreetly wipe her streaming eyes before facing him. “I have Kleenex in my room.” They moved down the hallway to her front bedroom. He leaned over and snagged a tissue box from her nightstand and handed it to her. She jerked three of the soft papers and pressed them to her face but only succeeded in smearing more mascara under her eyes.
“You’re allowed to cry, sweetheart,” he imparted. “She was a good dog and you gave her a good life.”
Her watery gray eyes rose to his and he couldn’t help it. He pulled her back in for another kiss, sweet and gentle, while pressing her tight against him and wrapping her body with his. He stroked his hands over her hair and back as he deepened the kiss into something more than comfort. Psalm was fast becoming more than just a friend he had coffee with on a daily basis. The thought thrilled him and terrified him at the same time.
A muffled guff broke through the haze surrounding his mind. He glanced to the side of the bed to a pair of curious gold eyes. Other pairs of canine eyes were watching as well, heads cocked to one side in curiosity. The dogs had come in through the doggie door at the back and were now surrounding him and Psalm. The faint tinkle of the front doorbell sounded in the distance and indistinct female voices drifted up from the shop floor. Blue closed his eyes as reality crashed back into his brain. Psalm was willing and needy in his arms and it would be easy to ta
ke what she was offering but it would be wrong on so many levels. He had nothing to offer back but heavy baggage. He was living on a shoestring budget, dealing with a bitch of an ex-wife, working nearly round the clock to investigate the sudden drug problem in town, and desperately trying to find time to be a father to his two children. It would be easy to forget his problems for a few minutes and lose himself in the possibility of a future with her, but that wouldn’t respect her or her grief now. He reluctantly pulled back from her.
“Sorry for grabbing you, Psalm,” he said roughly. “I didn’t mean to come on so strong, especially now. It won’t happen again. Forgive me?”
She took a shuddering breath, visibly rallied herself, and smiled through her tears. “Nothing to forgive, Blue. Everyone needs human contact from time to time. It was just a kiss. Toto was a good dog and I knew this time was coming. I’m okay with it as I know she had a good life and is now in a better place, somewhere across that rainbow bridge. Thank you for being here for me, but I know you’re still on duty and have other stuff to do. You best be getting to it.”
She moved back and brushed her hands over the front of his shirt as if wiping herself off him. He really didn’t like that idea. He turned and began opening and closing the drawers in her bureau. “Where do you keep your pajamas?”
“Middle one on the left. I don’t have pajamas, only nightgowns.”
“Eva can cover the store today and if not, you can just close it. You get some rest and I’ll text you later tonight,” he ordered, shuffling through the drawer’s contents and eventually pulling out a gown of cream-colored lace. He handed it to her. “Here, I’ll step out while you get changed.”
He stood in the hallway, shifting from foot to foot and trying not to imagine seeing her in the thin gown he handed to her. What the hell am I doing? he admonished himself. She’s hurting in there and all I can think about is kissing her again. Friends, Blue. You’re supposed to be friends!
The problem was he didn’t want to be just friends. He wanted more. So much more. He didn’t know when it happened, but he had fallen for this kind and gentle woman. It wasn’t about lust for her gorgeous body, and it wasn’t about a fling to get her out of his system. This was something that could be very real and it both thrilled him and scared him.
She can’t know, he told himself. She’s too good for me and doesn’t need to be in my shit storm life. I’ve got to keep it to myself and just be friends, even if it kills me.
He tamped down his thoughts and buried them deep before tapping on the door and entering. Psalm was in the bed, the comforter up to her chin. The dogs had joined in and were curled up around her. He sat on the bed, his hip next to hers. Sam regarded him for a moment before grunting and rolling over.
“I see you’ll have plenty of company for a while. No late-night crafting tonight. You need some real sleep.”
She smiled again and dropped her eyes to the floor. “No promises, but I’ll do my best.”
Blue had the urge to tip her chin up and take her mouth one more time but instead he pressed his lips to her forehead and reluctantly moved to the door. Outside, he took one last look at the second-floor window. His gut churned with the desire to go back up those steps and finish what he started, but with an iron will, he forced himself into his car and drove off, wishing like hell life would be different.
Thirteen
The Dragon Runners’ Halloween party was always held on the Saturday closest to the holiday at their campground pavilion. It was a huge affair with Betsey’s barbecue, rides, craft vendors, games, costumes, the whole nine yards. What made the event even bigger was the collection for those kids and the families who were hurt by this drug epidemic. Since Main Street would pretty much be a ghost town today, I closed the store and set up a booth at the party with lots of soaps, shampoos, lotions, and other bits. I sold my own stuff at the craft fairs and my other artists had the option of working their own booths.
I’d been up since the butt crack of dawn, loading the tables, chair, canopy cover, and boxes of soap into the truck. The dogs were restless, but I couldn’t take all of them. I wasn’t planning on taking any dogs with me but decided at the last minute to include Sam. He was so good with kids and had never shown any aggression to anyone but Jonelle. I felt okay in bringing him also on the off chance Cody and Michelle would be there and would enjoy seeing the dog. It was cold when I loaded the truck, so I wore a lined jacket in the morning, but by the time I got to the site, unloaded, and set up, I was sweating like crazy. The sun was up and although the day was slightly overcast, there wasn’t supposed to be rain for a few days. Today would be cool and comfortable and, just to be cheeky, I wore a policewoman’s costume complete with hat, plastic badge, foam baton, and plastic handcuffs. Instead of trousers, I wore black leggings and flat suede boots to finished my ensemble. I wasn’t going to spend the next ten hours or so in heels! Blue had already made his patrol rounds and had rolled his eyes at my ensemble.
The booth stayed busy, people coming through the vendor area in droves. Eva’s booth was set up next to mine, loaded with quilted jackets, lap quilts, scarves, handbags, and other bits she had sewn. She had just found out she was pregnant and was complaining of morning sickness. She was also showing off the ginormous rock on her left hand. Her old man, Stud, had finally popped the question and I was really happy for her.
Stud came by about midday and brought her some food. “How’s my baby mama?” he asked, kissing her on the lips loud and long.
“I’m tired and I hafta pee again!” she grouched.
He laughed. “That’s my cactus. Always a ray of sunshine!”
She grinned at him, unable to keep her bad mood.
He turned to me. “Hey, Psalm. You need anything? We’re getting ready start the Tail run in a bit for the kids. I can bring you some food if you need it.”
“No, I brought stuff for me and Sam, but thanks so much for thinking of me.”
“No problem, Psalm. You’ve been a real help to Eva and me, and the rest of the club. You ever need anything, we got your back.”
He winked and kissed his future wife one more time before leaving to start giving kids short rides on the infamous road.
They have my back, eh? The Dragon Runners were such a great club and great family even if you weren’t really a part of it.
People kept on coming to the vendors in long waves. So much so, I barely had time to wolf down the sandwich I brought. Eva and I spelled each other for quick bathroom breaks as we needed it, but there wasn’t a lot of time for many of them. I left treats out for customers to give to Sam as they browsed my booth and had had to fill the bowl up three times already. I’d positioned my tables in a U shape under the canopy, leaving a small spot at the side for me to sit and Sam to lounge. He lay under the tables snoozing most of the time but would come greet people when they recognized him and called his name. Some people offered one of the doggie biscuits from the table and he would gulp it down. Sam was getting more and more social and comfortable with people in general. Soon it would be time for him to be put up for a forever home. My heart twinged a little at the thought.
My parents had set up a table close by and my dad was selling produce from his garden. He had several tables of different squashes, beans, and other vegetables, as well as a small mountain of orange pumpkins for baking or jack-o-lanterns. Mom was with him, of course, sitting in her fold-up camping chair and her hands busy with some new knitting project. I was always fascinated with the needles whipping in and out of the yarn too fast for me to follow and watching the stream of movement building a scarf or afghan. We waved and chatted for a bit, but the crowds kept everyone busy.
Later in the day, the throng finally thinned out. Eva had already packed up her booth and I was helping her load it in my truck to go back to the store when I saw Sam prick his stumpy ears forward and jump up, wagging the tiny knob that was left of his tail. His mouth opened up and his long pink tongue flopped out as he panted in a big doggie grin.<
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“Sam!” I heard a child’s voice shout enthusiastically. A small figure in a stretchy black Batman costume and plastic mask came barreling up to the dog and threw his arms around the massive beast. Sam didn’t bark but did whine a little and treated the child to a thorough face sniffing, nearly knocking the mask off. I laughed as the dog played, bowed in invitation, guffed at the boy in his deep doggie voice, and sniffed some more. Sam was clearly happy to see Cody and had recognized the boy before I did.
A pretty princess in a puffy pink tutu came up and was treated the same way with the face sniffing and doggie greeting. Michelle wasn’t wearing a mask but sported a glittering silver crown.
“Well, I guess I know who you really wanted to see today!” I said, putting my hands on my hips and pretending to be offended.
“Oh! Hi, Psalm!” The miniature superhero piped up while Sam was enticing him to play with his well-chewed rope toy. The dog dropped the mass of strings at the boy’s feet, bowed and barked at him to pick it up. Cody did and threw it as far as he could in front of the booth. Sam jumped and took off after the toy, scattering people around him in alarm. He pounced on it, shaking and growling at it as he brought it back to drop it at Cody’s feet again for the next round. Michelle came and stood next to me.
“Daddy told me about your dog. I’m really sorry she died.”
My heart bled a little. “Thank you, Michelle. That means a lot to me. That’s a beautiful costume, but I’m not sure exactly what you’re supposed to be. Are you a fairy princess or maybe a ballerina?”
The little girl said nothing, but shrugged and dropped to the ground to crawl under the table. The sounds of the crowd and the laughter of the little boy and dog playing faded away as I concentrated my focus on the girl sitting under my table. Not sitting. She was hiding.
I sat down myself and stretched my legs out, not caring if I got dirt or grass stains or even if someone came to my booth right then to buy something. This little girl took priority.