by Gail Godwin
Flora and I stood outside the kitchen door and watched the Old Mongrel’s big, sloping car with whitewalls cautiously bump down our driveway.
“That is the last Packard Clipper model they made before we entered the war,” said Flora dreamily.
“How do you know that?”
“Finn told me. He worked on cars like that before he joined the Army. He says Mr. Quarles must have money.”
“Of course he has. He got all the inheritance that was supposed to go to my grandmother. What I don’t understand is how he got inside our house.”
“Well, I invited him, Helen.”
“If I had been awake, that would never have been allowed to happen.”
“But he and your grandmother grew up together, honey.”
“Oh, grew up together,” I said bitterly. “People are always growing up together, according to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“He was nine years older than Nonie and my mother was twelve years older than you. You can’t ‘grow up together’ when there’s that much difference in your ages.”
“What on earth has gotten into you, Helen?” At last she had picked up on the fact that I was shaking with rage.
“My father would never have let him in the house.”
Now she blanched. “Why not?”
“Because. He’s an old mongrel. That’s what my father calls him: the Old Mongrel.”
“What has he done to deserve that?”
“He’s a crook. He tried to bribe the funeral director to make him open Nonie’s casket.”
“Well, that’s not exactly a crook, honey. He probably wanted to see her one last time. You heard him say how much he thought of her.”
“He’s ill-bred. He asks people’s ages. He says ‘while you was having your nap.’ “
“Everyone doesn’t speak the King’s English, Helen. Mrs. Jones slips up on her grammar and you are very fond of her.”
“You leave her out of it. She stays in control of her days and Nonie admired her. And he’s a sneak and a bully and thinks nothing of taking what isn’t his.”
“Goodness, where did you get all that? I’ve never heard you even mention him before.”
“I got it from Nonie and my father. I never mentioned him because the last thing I expected was to take a nap and wake up and find you’d polluted our house.” I was starting to cry for the first time in front of Flora, and this made me all the more angry with her.
“Now, listen, Helen, that’s enough. I think you ought to go off by yourself and cool down before supper. We’re having spaghetti. I used up the last of Juliet’s herbs for the sauce.”
“I don’t want her fucking sauce and I’m sick of eating! I’m sick of you! I can’t wait till you leave!”
XXIV.
I remember feeling, after my blowup that Sunday, that I could still give myself credit for some adult restraint. I hadn’t actually cried. I hadn’t hit. In the past, even the recent past, I had sometimes hit Nonie in aggravation, but during this summer I had never once hit Flora. Okay, I had lashed out verbally in a childish way—and gotten a child’s satisfaction from the instant response—but I knew I could still reap some longer-term benefits if I apologized. I wasn’t really sorry about using my father’s worst swearword. It was a thing men said, but if a female used it sparingly it had great shock value. I had shocked Flora. Then I had hurt her by saying I was sick of her and would be glad when she was gone. But though Flora was easy to hurt, she was also an easy forgiver. When I went off to cool down, as instructed by her, I used that time by myself to compose my scene of contrition.
I knew even while screaming at Flora that I was going to have to apologize later, because my goal was to get along with her on the surface for the rest of the summer while keeping my serious schemes to myself. First, though, I checked myself over for wounds and then laid out the pluses and minuses of the afternoon. I had first done this after Flora’s one outburst—if you could call it that—when I had been snotty about refusing to send my picture to the Alabama people, and she had lost control and “told me things” about my mother’s selfishness and cruelty. What I had lost that other day was my illusion that Flora adored my mother unreservedly, but what I had gained was valuable information as to what Lisbeth had really been like and the realization that I wouldn’t be sorry to behave with her cold expediency under similar circumstances. It felt gratifying being allied with my mother in this way.
Today’s losses and gains weren’t as simply tallied. Finn hadn’t come up to say good-bye; or, rather, he had come and couldn’t bear to wake me. The Old Mongrel had been in our house, and I would have to tell my father; but the downspout had been reattached and the gutters cleaned, which would please my father and make him like Finn. Nonie’s batteries had been charged; but Flora had been given her first driving lesson as a result. The Old Mongrel had referred to Finn as “your nice friend” when he was thanking Flora: had his ‘your’ meant Flora and me, or had he thought Finn was Flora’s boyfriend?
The best way to apologize, according to Nonie, was to come right out and say you were sorry and get it over with. You didn’t have to belabor it, but you did have to convince the other person you were sincere.
As we were spreading our napkins in our laps—Flora used old prewar paper ones from the pantry when we had spaghetti—I stayed focused on my lap and murmured, “I apologize for what I said. I didn’t mean it, I was just mad.”
“Oh, Helen. And I’m sorry, too. I had no idea how you felt about Mr. Quarles. And I know you didn’t mean … all you said to me.”
She went on some more, overdoing her forgiveness and her gratitude for my apology, and how she had no idea, et cetera, until I felt it was time to get her off that subject.
We twirled our spaghetti. I thought of saying something nice about Juliet Parker’s herbs in the sauce, but couldn’t trust it to come out sounding a hundred percent sincere. “You know what I really want to know?” I asked.
“What, honey?”
“How did it feel to drive?”
“I can hardly claim I drove, honey, with Finn right next to me, ready to grab the wheel if I messed up and Mr. Quarles shouting his advice into my open window.”
“But where did you go?”
“What do you mean where did I go?”
“Did you go down our driveway and onto the road?”
“Goodness, no, honey. We just went around and around the house on that old circular driveway.”
“But that thing’s so overgrown you can barely walk on it!”
“Well, we flattened it down some with our big car,” said Flora with more satisfaction than I cared for. “And Finn is going to ask Miss Adelaide if he can borrow her scythe and work on it some more.”
“For more … driving lessons?” I asked, knowing the answer.
“Finn says I will be driving before I go back to Alabama. Who would have ever thought! If only I had kept my mouth shut during that interview.”
“Spoken word is slave,” I said. “Unspoken is master.”
“That’s just what she would have said! But it would still have been a lie, wouldn’t it? Not speaking up can be a lie, too.”
“I guess.”
I couldn’t wait to go to bed. Shut the door to my room, climb between Nonie’s sheets, and let this day drain out of me. When I woke up it would be the next day, and that day would be one day closer to my birthday. I had decided my father was going to come. He had to come, because I needed him to. If I could just get to my birthday and have some support, I could make it through the remaining weeks until he was home for good and we put Flora on the train to Alabama.
“You want to listen to anything on the radio later?”
“No, I’m too tired.”
“Oh dear, I hope you’re not coming down with something. Your father would never forgive me. But where could you have gotten anything?”
If I hadn’t been so depleted, I could have tormented her a little. From the strangers you
keep inviting into the house for hot corn bread and milk. And pound cake and “brewed tea.”
“No, I’m just really tired. I moved some furniture around upstairs.”
“Oh, right, for your study. You go on, then, honey. I’ll clean up. And then would you like me to bring you anything in bed? Some milk? One of your Clark bars?”
“No, I’ll already have brushed my teeth. I just want to sleep.”
After I got into my pajamas, I took down the hatbox from the closet shelf and removed Nonie’s hatpin from the new hat. I replaced the hatbox. I fingered around in her purse until I found the hatpin’s sheath and stuck the pin back in its sheath. I held it in my closed right hand and put my left hand on top. “You have got to help me get through these next days,” I told the hatpin. “And make my father come for my birthday.” Then I placed it under my pillow, arranged myself between the crisp sheets marked MASTER, squinched my eyes shut, and willed myself into oblivion. But I went on being awake. I heard Flora’s clatter as she finished putting away the dishes, then her footsteps on the stairs and going down the hall, then the Willow Fanning door opening and closing, then the toilet flushing in the Willow Fanning half bath. I reminded myself that a month from now I would be lying here listening to more agreeable sounds coming from other people in the house as they finished up their day and settled down for their night.
“I KNOW YOU didn’t like Mr. Quarles, Helen, but I did enjoy hearing him talk about her when she was a young girl.”
“What did he say?”
“Oh, that she was a grand cook, even with their old wood-burning stove, and she could wring a chicken’s neck without making a face, and milk a cow and ride a horse bareback. He also said she was high-tempered.”
“What did he mean by that?”
“Well, I think he meant it as praise. After all, he didn’t say hot-tempered, or bad-tempered.” Flora giggled. “Though he did say she could hold grudges like an elephant.”
“From what I heard, there was plenty to hold grudges about.”
“You said something about that, uh, yesterday.” Flora was curious, but I could see she was also nervous about starting things up again.
“He had so many bad traits it was hard to single one out. He was a bully and sneaky and thought nothing of taking what wasn’t his. And he had his eye on the farm and was willing to tell lies about her to get it.”
“She told you all that?”
I nodded.
“I wonder what he took.”
“What wasn’t his.”
“Oh, well, it was a long time ago, and it worked out all right for them both, didn’t it?”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, your grandmother married the wonderful doctor and had your father, and you, and Mr. Quarles thought the world of his wife.”
“He says that about everybody,” I reminded her.
“No, from what he said they were real happy. They didn’t have children, but she was a big help to him in his business. He wasn’t much of a farmer, he told me, but he knew how to buy and sell land. He kept a few acres for corn and a couple of cows and his wife kept these pet chickens—for eggs, not for eating—but what he really likes is discovering land that loggers have ruined. He clears it and then sells it to people who want to build houses on it. That’s why he happened to be up here. He—”
“I know, he told me. He was looking at some acreage about to go on sale at the top of our hill.”
“So you two did get to talk some. He told us when the men come home from the war they’ll want starter houses to raise their families in. Finn thinks he’s going to make a bundle without so much as lifting an eyebrow.”
“You can’t make a bundle unless you have something to start with,” I explained world-wearily. “And what he had to start with was Nonie’s property.”
FLORA WAS GETTING ready to leave in her mind. She had begun saying nostalgic things like “I’ll never forget the time we …” and “I’ll always remember when we …” She was already bundling her memories of this summer into little packages, like Juliet’s herbs, to take back to Alabama. I could hear her telling other teachers at her school about our fifth-grade game: “My little cousin was just so smart. She made up this whole class full of children for me to practice on and played all the parts herself.” We had discontinued playing Fifth Grade when things around the house started breaking down, and then somehow the time was past for that game. I had my “study” (a.k.a. the Devlin Patrick Finn room) to work on, and Flora, with her driving lessons to look forward to in the late afternoon, had to fit in her meal preparations earlier in the day. Finn had cleared the old circular driveway with Miss Adelaide’s scythe and I had helped him neaten it some with a rake. My father was going to be so pleased with all our improvements. Finn still had not been given a decision about his discharge status.
“They’re taking their time,” he told us. “They’re waiting to see whether I’m truly recovered or whether I’ll go balmy again.”
“Oh, don’t say that,” cried Flora. “Not even as a joke.” We were sitting around the dining table. Finn often stayed for dinner with us now, after the driving lesson. Flora had promised him not to go to any special trouble.
The latest letter from Alabama had given Flora something else to think about. “Uncle Sam has offered to buy Juliet’s share of the house so he and Aunt Garnet can live there when they get remarried.”
“But where will Juliet live?”
“She could come to Dothan and live with me.”
“Did she ask if she could?”
“Oh, Juliet would never do that. But I’ve been thinking how nice it would be.”
“But—”
“But, what?”
“Would she be like your maid?”
“I’ve told you, honey. Juliet is not a maid. We would keep house together. She would have her own money.” Flora laughed. “With the money from her share of the house, she would have a lot more than me.”
“But what about when you get married?”
“Who said anything about my getting married?”
“All these people keep asking you.”
“Who?” she demanded, flushing.
“The farmer with the truck you didn’t ride in to the interview, and the lawyer with hairs in his ears.”
“Oh, those,” she said. “Well, there will always be a place in my home for Juliet, whether I marry or not. And I will always have a guest room for you, Helen. Maybe you’ll miss me and want to visit. You could ride down on the train and I’ll take you to all the places your mother knew as a girl. I’ll have my license by then. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even have a car.”
She was obviously looking ahead.
THOUGH WE WEREN’T playing Fifth Grade any longer, I was often upstairs in “my study,” daydreaming about when Finn would live in this room. From here it would have been easy to slip next door into the Willow Fanning room and take away more of Nonie’s letters to read. But here, too, Flora had been looking ahead. The letters were all bound together again and tied tightly with the ribbon, in a hard-to-imitate bow, ready to go back into Flora’s suitcase. Next to them was the smaller pile of Juliet Parker’s weekly missives. Without any ribbon, they would be easy to steal away and read if I wanted to. But I didn’t, not in the least. It was while pondering this one morning, while looking down at the two piles, that I realized I didn’t really need to take the risk of reading more of Nonie’s, either. I had found out some things, been disappointed at not finding other things, and hadn’t been caught. What more was to be found out, and would it be worth getting caught for?
It was sad, in a way. Like our Fifth Grade, the time now felt past for the letters as well. It was like the summer light, which was changing into autumn light around the house. If the Recoverers were still here, they would be leaving the south porch earlier now and carrying their books and blankets and cards over to the west porch to take advantage of the last sun. I was moving over into something else, too. Rather than wanti
ng to dig into old things that had already happened, I was pouring all my time and imagination into preparing a place for the new things that were going to happen after Flora was gone.
Mrs. Jones said the two oriental rugs made the room look more lavish.
“And the bed looks nice by the window. Did you have trouble moving it by yourself?”
“A little. I may have scratched the floor some.”
“Where?”
I lifted up the second rug and prepared to be lectured.
Mrs. Jones knelt down so her nose was practically level with the floor and ran her finger back and forth over the wood. “Well, you did a job, didn’t you?”
“I’m sorry. I was just rushing, and that bed was heavier than I thought.”
“Doesn’t pay to rush.” Now she had laid down her cheek on the floor and was inspecting the damage sideways.
“Is it bad?” Would she feel obliged to tell my father?
“Not too bad. As long as it stays under the rug. I’ve seen worse. But we ought to doctor it a little so it can get better while it’s under the rug. Go downstairs to the pantry.”
“Downstairs to the pantry,” I repeated.
“On the lowest left-hand shelf, toward the back, you’ll find a little brown bottle with a handwritten label that says ‘linseed oil.’ “
“Who wrote it?”
“Your father. It’s one of those stick-on labels with a red edge. Linseed oil.”
“Linseed oil,” I repeated. “Will that fix it?”
“We’ll make a start,” said Mrs. Jones, rising cumbersomely to her feet. “In future, though, try not to be in such a rush.” She was breathless and had to steady herself against the wall for a minute, and I felt bad.
I had changed my mind about showing Finn his room. I wanted the circumstances to be as perfect as possible. More important, I had realized I ought to talk it over with my father first. What an awful thing it would have been to have shown Finn the room and invited him to live there and then have to go back and tell him my father had said no. Just the thought of having brought on such a near disaster made me cringe.