Domestic violence is abhorrent and costly to both victim and society. As awareness of this problem grows, so does help for abused women, children, and men who no longer have to go it alone. Abuse is toxic and damaging to body and soul. Extricating oneself mentally from a domestic abuser is challenging. Doing so physically can be dangerous and must be handled with great care. Both physical and mental help is now available from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233 or www.ndvh.org) and other such groups.
As concerned citizens, we can help eliminate domestic violence not only by refusing to condone it, but by acting on our knowledge. If we recognize a victim of domestic violence, we must be caring enough to appropriately approach the person, or, if we observe physical battering, to call the police.
My own journey has convinced me that it is possible to go from victim to victor. With passion, patience, and persistence, and planning and hard work, you, too, can make your dreams come true.
EPILOGUE C
Survival Tips
Psychopaths exist and they continue to snare unsuspecting victims, as in the recent case of a woman from New York. She was middle-aged, with two grown children, and recently divorced. She turned to a Christian dating site on the Internet for solace. A man from Florida who purported to be a pastor with a ministry in music connected with her. He filled his e-mails with poetry, and he played on her love of music. Within a year he moved in with her. Six months later they married, and the following month she discovered he was a sex addict obsessed with Internet pornography. When confronted, the pastor killed her cat. He threatened to poison the rest of her animals. He behaved inappropriately with her daughter when she came to visit. He conned her and her friends out of money—she lost $20,000. In the summer of 2007 she found him in a grievous sexual lie and kicked him out, but not before he had abused her spiritually, financially, sexually, and physically. Stress crippled her. She is unable to work and remains in therapy. The pastor returned to Florida and now pursues other women over the Internet with his poems and lies.
We can take steps to protect ourselves from the wiles of the relationship psychopath and reduce our chances of being caught in his web by following these survival tips.
1. UNDERSTAND YOURSELF
Society sets up milestones but does not make sure we are mature enough to meet them. Most of us grow up without fully understanding ourselves. We ignore the events of the past. We are unaware of how they affect who we are or what we will become and are especially vulnerable when we are in a weakened emotional state—going through a divorce, breaking up, moving to another area, or mourning a death. The psychopath takes advantage of our weakened state. But by understanding ourselves, we create limits and boundaries based on our healthy beliefs and set up a defense zone against the psychopath’s clandestine attacks. If we are unfortunate enough to become a victim of a psychopath, it is most important that we seek professional help and understand that it is not our fault.
2. UNDERSTAND PSYCHOPATHS
One of the strategies for success is to know your opponent, how he operates, and what he hopes to attain. But most of us are unprepared to encounter the cunning psychopath. We are trained by the media to think of psychopaths as serial killers, and we figure we will never be one of their victims. But we are wrong. Most psychopaths are not serial killers. They seem like ordinary citizens, but they operate out of greed and, most important, without conscience. We need to understand how psychopaths function in order to recognize their characteristic behaviors such as seeking pity, charming the birds out of the trees, and being the gregarious life of the party who always has an answer for every question, even if it isn’t plausible. We need to understand how psychopaths draw us in by assuming positions of power. Without such understanding, the psychopath can finagle his way into our lives; then he will devastate our emotions and finances before moving on to the next victim.
3. BESTOW TRUST ONLY WHEN EARNED
When starting a new relationship, we can be caught up in the euphoria of learning about a new partner. We share stories back and forth. It’s easy to believe everything we are told, and we automatically bestow trust when trust has not been earned. But it is our responsibility to protect ourselves. One way to do this is to validate stories. The Internet offers ways to check out facts for ourselves, or we can buy a background search for a reasonable amount. County offices offer accessible records for marriage, divorce, and property transactions. Remember, if the stories sound too good to be true, they probably are.
4. LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE
If you feel unsettled or unsure about your relationship partner, if you have a feeling something isn’t right, do not stuff the feelings into a denial sack. Investigate them. Listen to your inner voice and seek advice from a trusted friend, family member, clergyperson, or therapist. Share your feelings with more than one person. And be prepared to act on their advice. It may not be what you want to hear, but it will protect you from the devastation to come.
5. HEED THE WARNING SIGNALS
• You never meet or talk to his family.
• He’s evasive about where he lives, and you are not allowed over to his house.
• He borrows your credit card and doesn’t pay his debts.
• He makes you feel guilty about your feelings.
• He cons you into taking out a loan for him.
• He says he works for a government agency as a spy.
• He says he owns property, but he can’t show proof.
• He moves into your home, and he doesn’t come with much.
• He says he’s divorced, widowed, or separated but is evasive about details.
• He uses threats to control you.
• He makes you feel like you’re going crazy when you challenge him.
6. BECOME ONE PERSON WHO MADE A DIFFERENCE
Once we understand who we are, we must use our talents to go beyond ourselves to help others. To help others is to help ourselves. We build self-esteem and confidence, and society benefits. Find a cause you believe in, one that you are passionate about. Embrace it. Use patience and persistence to precipitate action. It’s not the size of the project that matters, it’s your involvement. Become one person who made a difference. If anyone you know is in a relationship like the one I found myself in, I urge you to share my story with her. Together we can protect those who would become victims and help them regain their lost strength.
EPILOGUE D
Resources
RECOMMENDED READING
The following references deal with issues touched on in this book. It is not an all-inclusive list, and it is important to seek a therapist who specializes in psychopath abuse to guide you.
Beattie, Melody. Beyond Codependency and Getting Better All the Time. Hazelden Foundation, 1989.
———. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Foundation, 1987, 1992.
———. Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps. Fireside, 1998.
Bradshaw, John. Bradshaw on the Family: A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery. Health Communications, 1988.
Brown, Sandra. How to Spot a Dangerous Man before You Get Involved. Hunter House, 2005.
Capacchione, Lucia. Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self. Simon and Schuster, 1991.
Carlson, Richard, and Kristine Carlson. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women: Simple and Practical Ways to Do What Matters Most and Find Time for You. Hyperion, 2001.
Evans, Patricia. Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You. Adams Media, 2002.
———. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Adams Media, 1992, 1996.
Hare, Robert D. Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths among Us. Guilford Press, 1999.
———, and Paul Babiak. Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work. Regan Books, 2006.
Provost,
Gary. Make Your Words Work: Proven Techniques for Effective Writing—For Fiction and Nonfiction. Writer’s Digest Books, 1990, 1994.
———. 100 Ways to Improve Your Writing. Penguin, 1985. Stout, Martha. The Sociopath Next Door. Broadway Books/Random House, 2005.
RECOMMENDED WEBSITES
A Dance With the Devil: A True Story of Marriage to a Psychopath Page 36