Lamont tilted his head, inspecting me like I was an imbecile.
Static filled my brain. No words. Just static. Panicked static.
A grin started to form. “I’ve never seen you like this. Just spell it out for me so I don’t have to do the guessing game.”
I took a deep breath, then let it out, like I was confessing to a priest. Not that I’d ever done such a thing, but I imagined it would be something like this. “Spencer gave me a blowjob, but he didn’t even know it was me.”
Lamont narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, stopping the swing’s motion. “How does that happen?”
“Masquerade party, remember? Everyone was in costume.”
“Oh, I think you left out that part.”
Lamont studied me a bit longer, then sat back, the puzzled expression fading. “Wow. You’re one of the smartest people I know. The fact that you’re so blind to this kinda gives me hope. Maybe there’s been someone longing for me and I just can’t see it yet. Maybe that’s how it goes.” He shook his head with a little sigh, then leveled his gaze on me once more. “Spencer has wanted you since he moved to Lavender Shores.” Lamont cocked an eyebrow. “You honestly didn’t see that? I know you two were subtle, you really were, but I never dreamed you weren’t aware of how he felt.”
“He doesn’t feel anything for me. We barely talk, except about the kids. He’s my brother-in-law.”
“Donovan, you just said he gave you a blowjob. You really don’t think he has feelings for you?”
Another thought that had kept playing through my mind over the past two days. The one more easily pushed aside than the others. “He didn’t know it was me. I was in costume.”
“You knew it was him.”
“Not at first.”
He flinched. “Really?”
“No, we were in costume!” Why was that so hard to understand? I suddenly realized my voice had risen, and I glanced around to see if anyone was listening in from the nearby sidewalk. They weren’t.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Doc.” Lamont smiled but shook his head in that exasperated way again. “Like I said, you’re a smart man, but wow, you are really blind on this. He’s had feelings for you for years, I’d bet my writing career on it.” He leveled his gaze meaningfully. “And I’d also bet he knew good and well exactly whose dick was in his mouth.”
Over the next few days, I allowed my brain to cycle and twist and turn through every possibility. A billion times, each.
Obviously there was a whole lot more to Spencer than I’d realized. Maybe I didn’t know my ex-brother-in-law, as Lamont reminded me. Had Spencer been cheating on Erica before their divorce? Was he not even close to being the man I’d admired for the past ten years? True, Erica was a royal bitch, and she’d been having an affair with Cody Wisner, so maybe she’d been cheating on Spencer for years. But Erica was my sister. And I loved her. Her husband had always been off-limits. Her ex-husband was still off-limits. Even if he had suddenly sprouted feather boas and was a one-man gay Pride parade.
It had been a blowjob. Not a parade. I needed to quit making it a big deal.
But holy shit, it was a big deal. Spencer on his knees and taking me into his mouth had completely fucked with my mind.
I nearly skipped the Kelly family annual Fourth of July party. But that wasn’t an option. That party was a must-show for anyone of the founding families, feuds or not. I didn’t have a feud, but considering what Spencer and I had done, if word ever got out, the Epstein-Kelly feud would look like a Chuck E. Cheese’s party compared to what would happen in my own family. I’d probably be able to find a reason to be out of town that would be a plausible excuse. However, Ethan’s seventh birthday party was on July 6, and I’d never miss a birthday of any of my nieces and nephews. If I was going to have to face Spencer so soon, better to do it sooner rather than something… horrible happening at Ethan’s birthday.
Though Debbra and Robert’s house qualified as a mansion, it couldn’t hold all the attendees. Nearly the entire population of Lavender Shores spilled out into the sizable backyard, lawn, and onto the street. Despite the massive number of people, there was never any doubt the party would keep its Lavender Shores sensibility. Sure, a few people would have a few too many drinks, but it wouldn’t get crazy.
Maybe that was part of what I liked about being home, part of why I’d stayed so long. It was beautiful. More than beautiful. But it was controlled. Safe. Much like my attraction to Spencer had been. I never intended to act on my feelings for Spencer. I was impervious to ever getting hurt.
“Well, Donovan Carlisle! Have a drink, you sexy, sexy man!” Robert Kelly smacked my shoulder and shoved a cold glass tumbler into my hand, spilling some of the alcohol.
“Oh, Robert. Thank God.” If anyone had a chance of turning off my brain, Robert did.
He gave me a strange smile, which morphed into a flirtatious wink. “I didn’t know you were so desperate to see me. I’ll have to make an appointment to get my head shrunk.” Another wink.
I loved Lamont’s father. He was over-the-top, but harmless. And always good for distraction. Which I needed desperately.
True to form, I didn’t even need to speak, and Robert Kelly swept me away, sliding his hand into the crook of my arm and leading me from the front door I’d been aiming for. “Goodness, all you young ones are so muscly.” He squeezed my bicep, then let his hand rest on my arm as he leaned close to give a mock whisper. “Erica and Cody are inside. I will say that her star-spangled gown is quite the showstopper, but arriving with her boy toy in tow overshadowed the thousands she spent on that dress.”
I could only imagine. “They have been public for nearly a year, Robert.”
“Ten months, dear boy. Ten months. And the ink has been dry on the divorce papers for probably an entire ten minutes.”
I could only image what people would be saying if they knew what her brother and ex-husband had been up to. “She and Spencer had separated way before that.”
Robert took a swig of his pink martini and clucked his tongue. “I’m just saying. It was a choice. To show up with him when Spencer and both their children are here.”
I forced a chuckle. “And you’re loving every second of it, aren’t you?”
He batted his eyes innocently. “Not nearly as much as my wife. Debbra’s in heaven, having one more thing to feel superior over the Epsteins about. Of course, she’d never admit it.”
We continued weaving through the guests. “Though, I must say, Spencer’s looking awful, which is quite the talent for such a handsome man. Honestly, he didn’t seem overly stressed when the affair broke, but I saw him at Pride and then tonight, and I have to tell you, I’m concerned. I swear he’s going to go prematurely gray if the stress in his eyes is any indication.” Robert’s eyes bulged. “Not that there’s anything wrong with gray. You are quite the silver fox.”
I’d noticed that as well when I’d seen Spencer at the coffee shop, though it hadn’t really sunk in. I’d been too worried about not letting my own emotions slip. Spencer had looked exhausted. Of course, it might’ve just been my own stress projecting onto him. But if Robert noticed, then it must be eating him up.
I could only imagine. He was probably worried about whether anyone had seen or recognized him at Paulie’s. The last thing he needed after the drama of Erica’s affair and divorce was to be outed by attending a sex party. No doubt that worry was eating him alive. If not for himself, then for how one more scandal would impact the kids.
And to think that I was part of his fear and hurt, or whatever he was going through. The last thing I wanted was to cause him an ounce of stress. But I could do nothing about it. Some therapist I was. The man I cared for the most, the one I’d longed over for years was hurting, and I was powerless to ease his pain. Hell, I was part of the cause.
If only I could let him know that his secret was safe. That there was no way anyone could’ve known it was him, that even I had barely recognized him.
But he wasn’t worried about me. He hadn’t realized I was there. Maybe he was simply eaten up by guilt over being at the sex party to begin with? Maybe it had nothing to do with being found out, but just….
Another thought interrupted the first.
Connor.
Connor had barely tried to disguise himself. If I’d noticed him, chances were high Spencer had seen him as well. Maybe that was the source of his stress. Fear that Connor had known who was behind the Phantom-Cat costume.
“Robert, is Connor here tonight?” Why did that matter? It wasn’t like I could go up to him and ask if he’d seen Spencer there. And even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to pass any assurance on to Spencer.
“Of course he is. More muscled and tattooed than ever.” He halted, sucking in a breath. “Really, Dr. Carlisle. Robbing the cradle? Connor just turned thirty last fall. And you’re what? Forty-five now?”
“What?” It took me a moment to catch up, though the meaning should’ve been obvious. “No, no, no, no.” I shook my head and turned to face him. “Nothing like that. And I’m forty-two.” Like that mattered.
“Well, the gray, you know.” He shrugged, then gave another mock whisper. “I’m not sure thirteen years is much different than fifteen when we’re talking about robbing the cradle. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with that.” His gaze went fuzzy, and his expression softened. “Hmmm… I’d not thought about the two of you together, actually. Not an obvious choice. You’re both so different. You’re so clean-cut and smooth, and, well, you’ve met Connor. Obviously. Actually, that’s a rather appealing picture. Opposites attracting and such.”
I could just imagine what Robert was picturing. “No, really. I just need to ask him something. I don’t think of him….” I let my words trail off. Robert’s gossip was innocuous, as much as gossip could be. And if that story started going around, it would at least give Spencer some relief from thinking the town was going to start talking about him. “I think I’ll go find Connor.”
Robert patted my hand, then released me. “You do that. It makes me so happy all our young men are finding each other. First my Andrew, then Gilbert. Now you and Connor.” His smile faded, hurt in his eyes. “If only Lamont. He never lets on, but he deserves someone good. I’d thought it might be you for a time. Of course, he’s forty-five, and if you like them younger, then I need to quit hoping for that. I guess you won’t be my son-in-law one day.” His smile returned. “Now, go get your man.”
“Connor’s not my—” Let it be. Just let it be. “Good to see you, Robert. You looked… uhm, beautiful on the float the other day.”
“Not the point, Donovan. Not the point. It’s too easy for us to think with gay marriage being legal across the land for the past few years that the fight is done. It isn’t. Transgender rights are under constant attack, and we, as members of Lavender Shores, need to do our part.” He grinned. “But I did look rather ravishing. That’s true.” His eyebrows rose as he glanced over my shoulder. “Oh, Andrew and Joel finally showed up.” He hurried off.
Twisting to see, I gave a little wave at Andrew and Joel, who returned it a split second before they were swept away by Robert. Which was good enough. I needed to find Connor and figure out how much he knew.
After finally making it into the house, I still needed to maneuver through the crowd, having to stop every few seconds to say hello, make sure I was equally friendly with acquaintances, friends, and clients alike so the patients who didn’t want others to know they were in therapy didn’t feel pointed out.
I paused for a moment when Erica caught my eye from where she stood next to the scrolling banister. She smiled, tilted her chin toward Cody, and returned to speaking to one of the women who’d been in her posse since childhood. She looked stunning, I had to give her that. So did Cody. They really did make quite the pair. I started to look away, but something about Erica made me pause for another heartbeat. It eluded me for a second. Then it hit. She looked happy. Really and truly happy. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen her in that state before. “Hey, Donovan.”
All thoughts of leaving vanished at the sound of Spencer’s voice. Like Robert had said, Spencer looked horrible. Tired, stressed, nearly sick. He let out a shaky breath. He seemed nervous. Which wasn’t new; since I’d met him, Spencer was always nervous. I couldn’t wrap my head around his reputation as a cutthroat lawyer with the man I always saw. Maybe he was different in a courtroom. “I won’t take much of your time, but I wanted to check in with you. Things seemed a little… strained with us at the coffee shop on Pride. I just wanted to make sure you know that we’re okay.”
“Why, uhm, wouldn’t we be okay?” I tried to think fast. To read past his nerves and determine if he was trying to figure out whether I’d known it was him, if he was looking for assurance that he was safe. Here was my chance. I had to find some way to reassure him, take the worry and stress from his eyes.
It looked like he had to search for words, and my pulse quickened. “I don’t know. I thought maybe you felt like I was blaming you or that I have hard feelings against the family.”
“No, I wasn’t thinking that at all. Hard feelings about the family?” That had been unexpected, and it threw me off.
“Yeah. We haven’t… well, you and I haven’t spoken much since the divorce. I was worried you thought I felt differently about you after Erica’s affair. I don’t. Her choices were her choices. It had nothing to do with the Epsteins, or the Carlisles, of course.”
“That’s—” So it was about Erica. Not me. Not the sex party. “—kind of you.” I had no clue what to say.
It seemed Spencer didn’t either. He stood there nervously, one hand shoved in a pocket, the other clutching a nearly empty drink. His blue gaze darted to mine and then away.
He looked at me again, and his gaze held a few seconds this time. Like he was searching.
My God. He knew.
The world stopped. As did any thoughts of Erica or the town gossip. So it was me he was worried about. Though, was it fear that I knew it had been him? Or was it desire for us to do it again?
Spencer looked away. “Well, I just wanted to make sure we’re… okay.” He cleared his throat. “So, we’re okay. I’m going to—” He motioned toward the backyard, then seemed to change thoughts and pointed toward the stairs. “—check on the kids.” He offered a forced smile but didn’t meet my eyes again. “See ya.” He walked away before I could respond.
I watched him go. Torn by my desire to rush after him. Find out if I was right. If he really did know. What that meant for him. For us. But I couldn’t. Not here. I couldn’t add to all he was going through.
Spencer nearly made it across the room when he stiffened, probably noticing Erica and Cody at the base of the steps, and then he headed in a different direction.
What was I supposed to do?
Act like a grown-up, that’s what.
Ask him to step outside or go somewhere where we could talk. Even if it meant nothing would ever be the same between us again, I could at least take away his worry. Promise him I’d never say a word.
It was the least I could do.
A heavy arm fell over my shoulders before I could take a step. “Why are you standing in the middle of the room looking terrified, son? Gonna give the family a bad name if you look like you’re losing your marbles.”
I angled to see the stern face of Erica’s and my father. Luckily, he was even more effective than a cold shower in clearing my brain. Spencer would have to wait. This was not the time or the place. Not even close.
Four
Spencer
Seagulls screamed overhead, clearly aware they’d have plenty to scavenge over the next couple of hours. When we’d arrived at the beach, there’d been a couple of sea lions lounging on the sand. As accustomed to people as most of the wildlife at Point Reyes National Seashore was, a few screaming seven-year-olds could clear the beach of most living creatures.
It wasn’t something I overly enjoyed either, but for
Ethan’s birthday party, I’d deal with some noise. Plus, he’d had a tough year. He and Emma. It seemed like they were handling the divorce well, but I worried about what lay deeper in each of them.
Of course, it hadn’t been an easy year for any of us. I’d never anticipated my wife cheating, that I’d be divorced before I hit forty, that all my struggles and white-knuckling would come to this.
A warm breeze wafted over me, bringing the salt of the sea and the sound of the waves. This. Yeah, because I had it so very hard. I needed to pull my head out of my ass. My wife had cheated. I was divorced. So what? That happened to nearly everybody, or at least often enough to keep me from feeling special. And I had my beautiful children. I lived in beautiful Lavender Shores. I brought home a beautiful paycheck. I had to stop playing poor me. Life was… beautiful. Or something.
I leaned against the stonewall of the outhouse, if it could be called that—it was nicer than some of the public restrooms in San Francisco—but of course, anything remotely connected to Lavender Shores had to have a touch of opulence. I lived in a place where the beach restrooms were luxurious. Yeah, poor, poor me. I took a few moments to watch, observing Ethan’s shining face as he raced around the beach with his friends. Enjoying Emma’s willingness to act like a child instead of a mini-adult. Take in the laughter that floated over from my family. Though the Epsteins weren’t really my family anymore, were they? Whatever.
My gaze fell on Erica as she gossiped with her friend, Lauren.
Erica’s laugh spiked over the others. For a second I labeled it as the laugh she gave when Lauren offered an especially juicy tidbit of gossip about one of their friends, but then I realized my mistake. That was her happy laugh. Her genuinely happy laugh. It had been years since I’d heard it. Maybe as many years as I hadn’t prayed.
My God, she was happy.
Maybe she felt my stare, as she looked over at me. Her perfectly shaped brow arched, and then she turned away. No smile for me, but no sneer either. It was enough to nearly make me remember why I’d fallen for the lie when we’d met so long ago. Not her lie, just the lie of life.
The Veranda (Lavender Shores Book 3) Page 4