I couldn’t say I loved him yet, but I needed to make it clear. “No, I mean I want you. You. As in, not just to mess around with this afternoon, but….”
Spencer beamed, and the sexy expression on his face disappeared for a moment, replaced by… joy. Joy was the only way to describe what I saw there. “Good. I’m glad, Donovan. Because that’s exactly how I want you.”
Somewhere in my therapist brain I knew we should pause, stop, and talk it all out. Discuss all the things I’d been mulling over since he left the night before. But I didn’t want to be a therapist in that moment. I was just a man. So I shoved the therapist aside and let the man take over. “Come to the bedroom.”
His eyes widened, and something else joined the lust there. “Oh, you want to…. We’re gonna….”
Fear. I realized what I was seeing—he was afraid. I hadn’t expected that. I thought he wanted this. Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have shoved the therapist away so quickly. “We don’t have to. I’m sorry. We don’t have to go that far.”
He grabbed my elbow like he expected me to walk away. “No, it’s not that. I want to. Believe me. I want to more than just about anything in the world.” He glanced away, and a blush rose to his cheeks. “It’s just that… I’ve never… uhm….”
Stupidly, it took me several seconds to realize what he meant. And I couldn’t keep the surprise out of my voice. “Really? For some reason I thought since you got divorced that you’ve….” I couldn’t make myself say it.
His cheeks burned brighter. “I have. I’ve actually played around quite a bit.” He shrugged. “Or, played around many times, might be a better way to say it. I’ve never actually had sex-sex. Just blowjobs and that kind of middle school crap.”
“Oh!” Shit! I hadn’t meant to assume. His revelation crashed over me. Made it all the more terrifying. I would be his first…. This was exactly what my fears had entailed. Without meaning to, I took a step back, but he held on.
“I want to, Donovan.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s a big deal for your first time. We don’t have to do that.”
He laughed, but he sounded embarrassed. “I’m not a virgin. You might remember that I have two children.”
I pushed that thought from me as quickly as I could. The last thing I needed to think about right then was my sister and the children.
Maybe I gave a disgusted face, though I didn’t mean to. Spencer dropped his arm. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to disappoint you.”
“No, you didn’t. It’s not…. I just wasn’t expecting that.” I reached out and took his arm this time. I couldn’t have him walk away. “That doesn’t mean we can’t be together, do other things. We’ve already proven we’re pretty good at the other things.”
He raked his fingers through his hair, leaving it a little bit disheveled, and making him even sexier. The self-conscious look that crossed his face caused him to look younger than he was. When he spoke, his voice was a mix of embarrassment and hope. “I want to, Donovan. I’ve wanted to experience it for a long time, but I couldn’t make myself do that with just anyone. I only want to do it with you.”
That rocked me. Terrified me all over, if I was being honest. His first time with a man. If it went wrong, if I did something wrong, if he hated it, then we were dead before we even got started.
He stepped into me once more. He was still erect, and he pressed against me as he ran a hand up my back. His words were low and raspy. “Which do you want? I don’t even know what you like. You a top? The bottom? How do you want me?”
Despite the mounting worries, I almost came at those words. At the fantasy of having Spencer give himself to me. Of offering himself to me like he hadn’t done for any other man. Insinuating that I could have him however I wanted.
He moved his other hand to my dick and squeezed it through my pants, then stroked it slowly. “I want you, Donovan. I don’t care how you want to. It doesn’t matter if you are inside me or if I’m inside you. I just want you.”
It wasn’t a fantasy. Spencer was finally in front of me and offering himself up. But that was just it; Spencer wasn’t a fantasy. I couldn’t risk hurting him.
He squeezed my dick again. “You’re making me feel a little bit pathetic here, man. I’m pretty much begging for your dick. Don’t make me get on my knees.” His gaze flashed to mine. “Unless it’s how you want to start.”
“Fuck.” I hadn’t meant to say that. Or growl it, since that’s actually what I had done. But it revealed my desire.
“Yeah?” He squeezed again. “Is that how you want this to happen? You need me to beg?”
For a heartbeat, I almost said yes. I wanted him to beg. To get on his knees and worship my cock, and then I would turn him around and fuck him. And maybe I would’ve, if I hadn’t spent the afternoon thinking of how much I loved him. Of how long I’d loved him. Of how I couldn’t hurt him. I looked him in the eye and shook my head. “I do want that, someday.” I took my hand and ran it over his erection again. “But for right now, I want us to go slow.”
Disappointment flashed across his face.
I gave him a squeeze, and I chose the option that I thought would be easier for him. Truth be told, I wanted both equally, so it didn’t really matter. “And I want to have you inside me. I’ve wanted you inside me for years, and I don’t want to wait another day.”
Ten
Spencer
Donovan pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor as we stepped into his bedroom. I’d noticed countless times over the years how his back muscles bulged and rippled. Each time had sent a spike of lust through me, but I’d always stuffed it away. For a heartbeat, I did the same thing this time. Then I realized what I was doing. I didn’t have to stuff it away any longer. I took in the sight of his back, enjoying his masculine grace, as he walked over to the bedside lamp and turned it on. He was the same Donovan I’d known for so long, yet he looked brand-new. The entire world of possibilities that I’d done my best not to consider was laid out before me.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.”
He turned around slowly, wonder written over his features. I hadn’t meant to say it, but the way he looked at me, made me want to say it a million more times.
“So are you.”
I allowed my gaze to travel over his body, the pronounced muscles of his shoulders and arms. His rugged, scruffy chest and abs. He was so fucking manly. Beautiful and so utterly male. Suddenly I wanted to keep my clothes on. “I… uhm… started waxing my chest when I went back to the gym.” Shit, I hadn’t meant to say that either.
He let out a little laugh. “Yeah, I’ve noticed.” His smile shifted, obviously realizing how I felt. Maybe because he was a good therapist or maybe because I was just that obvious. Donovan crossed the room again, reached out, and gripped my tie. Instead of pulling me to him like he had before, he began to loosen it and slide it from my neck. His gaze held mine the entire time. “Don’t forget that I’ve seen you without a shirt on for years. You’re gorgeous now that you’re muscled and smooth and have a six-pack. And you were just as gorgeous when you were burly, hairy, and had that dad belly. However you want to mix and match those features, count me in.” By the time he finished speaking, my tie was on the floor and he was unbuttoning my shirt.
Before our divorce, Erica had been after me for years to lose the weight. It was a revelation that Donovan found me sexy either way. I allowed my insecurity to fade, instead refocusing on him. I’d wanted him for too long to allow any superficial worries to dampen this. The shower had been amazing—hot, sexy, and frenzied. But this, this was a different thing. It was clear we were both choosing each other in this moment. And despite my protest that I wasn’t a virgin, I felt like one. Both terrified that I wouldn’t know what to do, and ready to simply let my body take over and do what it had craved for as long as I could remember.
As he finished unbuttoning my shirt, I began unbuckling his belt and then his pants. Donovan placed his hands inside the fabr
ic, running them over my chest and up over my shoulders. I had to release my hold on his pants as he slid my shirt and jacket down and off my arms. As he did, he leaned closer and ran his tongue over my collarbone, and I heard him breathe deep. Then he sighed.
With my arms free, I began to work on my own belt and pants, releasing them and pulling them down within seconds.
Donovan chuckled and whispered against my skin. “We don’t have to rush.”
“Actually, I think we might.”
His gaze darted to mine, and I looked down between us. He followed the motion and chuckled again. As he spoke, he lowered himself to his knees. “I love how much you precome, and I love that you’re already twitching.”
Before I could respond, he licked up my cock, from the base of my balls, up the shaft and then over the head, cleaning off every trail of precome, only to elicit more. He captured the head of my cock in his mouth and spun his tongue around again before taking me in deep.
The feel of him sucking me off was even better than in the shower, without the sensations from the spray distracting me from what he was doing. I looked down. His black-and-silver hair glistened in the dim lighting. The solid muscles of his shoulders flexed as he gripped my hips and bobbed his head. The combination of the sight and feel of him was too much, and I knew I wouldn’t last. He dipped again and the scruff of his chin scratched against my inner thigh.
I gripped his shoulders and pushed him off. “Please don’t make me come. If you’re wanting me inside of you and expect me to stay hard with a condom, then don’t have me use my load yet.”
His eyes widened, and his pupils dilated. “I’ve wanted you inside me for so long.” He stood and began removing his own pants. His curving erection jutted upward the minute it was released.
I took hold of it, running my thumb over the tip, encircling the base with my fingers. With my other hand, I cupped his heavy balls, loving the weight of them. For a heartbeat, I was disappointed. I wanted to feel him inside of me. Know what it would be like to be taken by a man. For that man to be Donovan. I was relieved a bit as well. I wanted it, but it scared me a little. More than a little. My voice trembled, giving me away. “Are you sure you’re okay having me inside you. Will you hurt?”
“I like both. Honestly, it’s been a little while since I bottomed. But if it hurts, it’ll only be for a little bit.” As he spoke, his hands ran over my body, as his gaze held mine. The touch of his fingers lighting a fire over me, bringing to life every molecule that he touched. “There’s no rush to change positions, Spencer. There is no expectation for you to bottom, ever, if you don’t want to.”
“I want to.” The words burst forth from me too quickly for me to play off as anything other than nearly desperate.
Another chuckle, both dark and lustful. “Good. We’ll go slow when you decide the time is right. I’ll do my best to make sure it’s pleasurable for you.”
I nearly told him to do it now. To get it over with. But the thought scared me a little too much, and I did want to be inside Donovan. Even that thought scared me, though it had nothing to do with possible pain.
One thing at a time.
“Can I be inside you now? If we wait much longer, I’m either going to blow my load too early or chicken out.”
He hesitated. “Are you sure you want this? If you’re thinking about chickening out…. There’s really no rush.”
Me and my big mouth. I increased stroking his dick. “I’m very sure. I might be nervous, but I’m very sure.” I pulled on his cock, like he had my tie earlier. Just because I was nervous didn’t mean I needed to be a passive scaredy-cat. And I wanted him to know just how much I really desired him. I thought back to the language I’d heard in some of the hookups I’d had in the city, even though they hadn’t gone all that far. Remembered the porn I’d watched, the kind I’d liked. I pulled on his dick again. “Let me fuck you, Donovan. Now.”
He moaned and trembled, actually trembled.
Okay, so he liked that. So did I. Even if I wasn’t as confident as I tried to make my voice sound. I let go of his dick. “Go to the bed.” I might not have fucked a guy before, but I wasn’t a virgin. Time to quit acting like one.
Donovan flinched in surprise, but his smile grew excited. He walked over to the bed. “How do you want me?”
Again, I thought back to the porn I liked the most. It hadn’t been on the bed. “On the floor actually, on your hands and knees.” Maybe I was pushing things too far.
He glanced at me, eyebrows raised, surprise still written over his face, but clearly turned on. He grabbed a bottle of lube and a couple condoms from the bedside table, and laid them on the bed without a word. Then he did as I asked, and got down on his hands and knees.
This wasn’t how I pictured my first time with Donovan. And even though it had been wrong, I’d pictured my first time with Donovan many times over the years. Most of those fantasies had involved him taking the lead. And many of them had more of a romantic feel than fucking on the floor. But for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to do that. It seems scarier, and more likely for me to mess it up. This, I was pretty sure I could do. And it appeared he liked being told what to do. That part didn’t surprise me too much. “Show me.”
Donovan didn’t hesitate, he arched his back, and in so doing, his cheeks spread naturally and revealed his entrance. His large balls hung low between his legs. At the sight, I didn’t have to think about what they did in porn anymore to know what to do next. I closed the distance between us and got on my own hands and knees and licked. Flattening my tongue against his heavy balls and licking over them, up the crease to his hole. He hissed and his body tensed, his entrance tightened against the sensitive skin of my tongue. I lapped at him again and he called out.
Sure enough, instinct took over. I gripped his asscheeks and squeezed. The hours he spent climbing and running had made his ass tight, hard, and round. I marveled at the feel of him beneath my hands. He was just as hot as every fantasy I’d had. Tentatively, I pressed the tip of my tongue against his hole. Uttering a strangled noise, he pushed back against me, opening to me, and I shoved my tongue a little more, letting it dart inside.
“Fuck, Spencer, fuck!” Donovan rocked slightly, forcing my tongue in deeper. The heat in his voice drove me wild. I spread his cheeks wider and shoved my tongue in him as deep as it would go. He clenched, and it almost hurt. He was so goddamned tight.
Suddenly, I was aware that my cock was twitching, even without being touched. I straightened, still gripping his asscheeks, but moving away from his hole. For a split second, I wondered what to do next, but I shoved that aside, once again relying on a mix of what I’d seen in porn and on instinct. Releasing his ass, I reached over and grabbed the condom and ripped it open.
Donovan looked over his shoulder. “Yeah?”
I nodded, unable to make words come.
“Fuck, yes.” And even as he looked at me, he arched farther. “Put lube on me first.”
I nodded, and rolled the condom over my dick. Then snagged the lube bottle and poured some over my fingers. Strangely, I hesitated before I touched his hole again. Maybe actually realizing what I was getting ready to do. I was finally going to be inside Donovan.
I couldn’t think about it. It was too much. Tentatively, I gave a testing sweep with my thumb over his entrance. Donovan hissed in pleasure, and I did it again. Then the nerves left me. I dipped the tip of my finger inside and felt him squeeze. “Holy shit, Donovan. Can’t believe how tight you are.”
“I told you, it’s been a while.” His voice was barely more than a whisper, but his desire was clear.
I pushed in another finger, causing him to whimper. I wondered how many sounds I could cause him to make. I marveled at the feel of him around my fingers, the warmth of him, the tightness. I hadn’t even done this much with anyone else. At some point, I wanted to do this longer, see how many fingers I could get in, discover what motions caused which reactions. But even with the condom, my cock conti
nued to scream for attention. I withdrew my fingers and got more lube. “You ready?”
“Fuck, yes!” He arched back again.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. I loved how much he wanted me, and I loved that he didn’t mind showing it. I spread the lube over my sheathed cock, and stood. I straddled either side of his legs with mine, and then bent slightly, using my hand to line up my dick with his hole. Lowering myself, I pressed the tip into him.
Though Donovan hissed, he didn’t pull away. “Slow, remember.”
“Yeah.” With the head of my cock inside him, I released my erection, and placed one hand on the bed to steady myself, and gripped his hips with the other. And then slowly pushed. It was agonizingly, deliciously slow. Every centimeter farther I went in, Donovan tightened again, and made a new noise. His ass was so tight that I couldn’t tell if it felt good or hurt. At each contraction of his muscles squeezing around me, I gave a little thrust.
Donovan cried out and clenched even tighter. “Hold on.” He took several deep breaths, letting them out shakily. “Let me do this part, okay? It’s been a while, like I said, and you’re not exactly tiny.”
I wasn’t quite sure what he meant, but I went with it. “Sure.”
He took another breath or two, and I felt the grip around my cock relax. And then he pushed back, slowly enveloping the rest of my shaft inside of him.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I breathed out in wonder. “Holy fuck.”
“You okay?”
Was I okay? Had I ever been more okay? “Hell yes, I’m okay. This is amazing.” Watching my cock sliding into him was one of the hottest things I’d ever seen.
He chuckled again, pleased. He arched one more time, pressing the root of me hard against him. He took another breath and then relaxed further. “Okay, thanks, I’m good now.”
It took me a second to realize what he meant, but then I released the bed and gripped both sides of his hips. I withdrew slightly, slowly, still marveling at the sight of me inside him. And then I pushed back in. I quit looking, closed my eyes and allowed myself to get carried away by the sensation of being inside his body. I thrust slowly at first, reveling at the warmth and the feel of him around me. My God, if it was like this with the condom, I couldn’t even imagine how amazing it would be to truly feel him against my skin. Within moments, my languid thrusts turned frenzied. And I built up a rhythm, smooth and fast. Donovan cried out a little louder with every thrust in. He steadied himself on one hand to begin to pump his cock with his other.
The Veranda (Lavender Shores Book 3) Page 10