Donovan and I had only gotten to see each other on Tuesday and Wednesday, but I’d had to work late both evenings, so we hadn’t had much time together.
The only thing that had changed was that my chest hair had finally grown in enough that it had quit itching underneath my suit. It was the least of the situations that I would’ve wanted fixed, if I had to choose, but I was going to be grateful for small favors.
That, and it was Friday. Donovan and I would have most of the weekend together, except for the time I was with Emma and Ethan. I was thankful for that as well.
Anytime I didn’t have the kids, I was at Donovan’s house. As I pulled into his drive, the sun preparing to sink into the ocean at the far side of Lavender Shores, I felt like I was arriving home.
I hadn’t even noticed Donovan and Lamont on the porch until I rounded the corner and headed up the steps. I halted. “Oh, hey boys. Didn’t realize we had company.”
Donovan beamed and stood up from the swing where he’d been sitting beside Lamont. As he walked toward me, he glanced at the sidewalk in typical fashion, then gave me a quick kiss. “Hi, I’m glad you’re home. And I can’t wait until I can kiss you for real on the porch.”
“You mean the veranda,” Lamont chimed over from where he was still swinging.
Donovan chuckled and gave me a knowing glance. “I told him about running into his folks the other night and about how his mom always refers to this as the veranda.”
“I’m telling you, I like it. Veranda is suiting.” I glanced over Donovan’s shoulder and waved. “Nice to see you, Lamont. Give me a minute and I’ll join you boys. I have to get out of the suit.”
Donovan lowered his voice. “Can I help you with that?”
I nearly said yes. I nearly said hell yes. “I’ll be quick. Stay with our company.”
“I love it when you do that.”
“What?”
He blushed a bit. “Oh, when you make offhanded comments that make it sound like it’s our home instead of just my home.”
I wasn’t sure how to answer, but I gave him another quick peck of a kiss, one without looking at the street, and then went inside. We hadn’t talked about moving in together. Wanting each other for the past decade or not, moving in officially after a month seemed a little soon. Especially when I hadn’t even told the children.
Within a matter of minutes, I’d slipped into a pair of flannel pants and a T-shirt. It was the one reason I didn’t mind wearing suits—the joy of getting out of them. I noticed that Lamont and Donovan each had a glass of wine, so I poured one for myself and joined them. Lamont switched to the wicker chair, leaving room for me beside Donovan on the swing.
“I got wine for you while you were changing.” Donovan held up a glass, noticed the one in my hand, then shrugged. “Oh well, I guess more for me.” He took a sip and scooted a little closer to me. “I was just filling Lamont in on everything. It feels good to have someone to talk to who’s outside the family but understands the whole founding family fiasco. I was just getting ready to tell him about our talk with my mom on Wednesday night.”
I didn’t mind Lamont knowing, but I had talked all day. “Please continue, but do you mind continuing to relay the gossip? Sounds good to just sit here and hear your voice.”
Lamont smacked a hand over his heart. For a second I thought he was exaggerating or going to make a playful gagging sound. “That, right there. Maybe if I can capture the essence of that moment, maybe my gay romance writing would finally get accepted by a publisher.”
“What do you mean?”
He gestured toward Donovan and me. “That! That you’re content to sit there and listen to Donovan talk. It was easy to tell by looking at you that even the thought of it made you relax.”
He was right. I slipped my hand into Donovan’s, and he shifted and interlocked his fingers with mine. “Well, it felt like I spent forever wanting to be with him. I can’t imagine anything better than just having moments like this, right here, you know?”
“Yep, exactly. I need to figure out how to capture that.” Lamont shook his head, then took a drink of wine. “But that isn’t the point, so what about your mom?”
I cocked my eyebrow in Donovan’s direction.
“I’ll be honest, Lamont. I’m going to give you the speed version. I’ve loved getting to chat with you, I needed it, but now that I have the real thing here, I’m going to kick you out in a couple of minutes and do things I definitely don’t want you to see.”
Lamont started to stand. “Just tell me later. I can get out of your hair now.”
Donovan motioned for him to sit back down with one hand while lifting the glass with another. “No, you’re fine. I now have two of these to finish, which will only help with what comes next.”
My guess was that he was already feeling some of the first glass if he was making sexual jokes in front of company. These cute moments with Donovan were things I hadn’t anticipated. I loved them, and they felt special, like they were just for me.
Donovan cleared his throat. “Like I said, speed version. My mom showed up out of the blue on Wednesday, sort of like my father did on Sunday. But it couldn’t have gone more differently. I’d been worried she would have a similar reaction to Dad’s, especially since she’d warned me not to go down this path, but after about ten minutes talking to us, she gave us her blessing.
Lamont chuckled. “That really was the speed version, but I can’t blame your mother. I would think ten minutes with you would convince anybody. Plus, she’s your mom. She wants to see you happy, and it’s so very clear that you are. Not to mention that….” Lamont leaned to the right, attempting to peer between Donovan and me. His eyes narrowed, and he lowered his volume. “I don’t want to alarm either of you, but I’m pretty sure that’s Erica and the kids.”
I jolted upright and whipped around. Donovan mirrored my actions.
Sure enough, they were on the edge of Donovan’s sidewalk. Erica met my gaze over the distance. She gave a sad smile. I stood and waved them over. “Come on in. What are you three doing out there?” I had a feeling I knew.
Erica didn’t answer but started walking up the path. Emma stayed beside her, but Ethan gave a couple of little skips and then tore off down the sidewalk and rushed up the steps. I expected him, like normal, to run to Donovan first. Instead he wrapped his arms around me. As much as I loved that, it made me think he was hurting even more than I had realized.
Lamont stood as Erica and Emma joined us on the porch. “Well, I should get going.”
Erica motioned for him to sit down and paused by the edge of the steps. “No, I didn’t realize… you boys would have company. I should’ve called first. I just… made up my mind, and we drove over. My fault.”
Lamont set down his wine and nodded at Donovan and me as he walked toward Erica. “I really was getting ready to leave. Plus, I should probably get more writing done this evening.” He nodded at her and Emma as well, then headed down the steps. “Good night, you all.”
Donovan and I called out our goodbyes, but on my part, it was halfhearted; I was fully focused on Erica. I imagined Donovan was as well. Though I thought I could see why she was there in her expression, I could be wrong. If I was, this could get really, really ugly. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I released Ethan and crossed the distance to Emma and gave her a hug. “Hi, my love.”
“Hi, Daddy.” Her voice quivered.
My heart broke. Even if I was wrong, this was ending tonight, whether Erica wanted it to or not. No matter how it went down, living in this limbo of distress was hurting my children more than any of us. And they didn’t even know why. I straightened and looked at Erica.
We’d been married long enough that she didn’t require any words. Though, neither did I. She nodded that sad smile in return, and relief flooded through me.
Donovan started to walk over, but Erica held up a hand. “No, just stay there. I really wanna get this over with, and you should be here too.”
Do
novan’s eyes widened, realization obviously clicking. He glanced back at the swing, then to me, then Erica. “Out here? We can go inside where we have privacy.”
Erica laughed, and there was only a tinge of darkness in it. “Why? The whole world is going to know anyway. Plus, I’ve always loved it out here.” She laughed again, nervously, and glanced around. “Is that an extra glass of wine? I thought there were only three of you.”
Donovan snagged it and held it out. “It is, just poured, so it’s fresh. It’s all yours.”
She hesitated, then walked across the long veranda and accepted the glass. She didn’t say thank you, but she was standing close to her brother, so I figured that was an improvement. She took a long drink and then addressed the children. “Why don’t you two sit on the swing and the grown-ups will—” She flitted her free hand. “—I don’t know, will do something.”
I motioned toward one of the wicker chairs. “Here, Erica, why don’t you—”
“Oh my Lord, Spencer, I don’t care where I sit. Let’s just get this done.” Again, she didn’t sound angry, just sad. I’d never seen her quite like this before. Ever. Maybe this was how she’d been at home with the kids; no wonder they were a mess.
Emma mumbled something, but I couldn’t hear.
“What, honey?”
She spoke louder, but her voice cracked. “Is somebody sick?” She sniffed.
Ethan flinched beside her and sat up straighter. “Am I sick?”
It was such an Ethan thing to say that any other time I probably would’ve laughed. But it broke my heart a little further. “No, guys, nobody’s sick. Nothing’s….” Was I really going to say nothing was wrong? Obviously, their mother was upset. It was clear everything had been a mess. All the grown-ups in their lives had been stressed. I looked at Erica, hoping she’d know what to say. I could successfully talk my way through court case after court case, but I couldn’t string two words together for my children. Erica shrugged. She felt as hopeless as I did; why wouldn’t she?
Donovan took a seat on the edge of the wicker chair, closest to the swing, and addressed Erica and me. “Do you guys mind?”
We both shook our heads. Erica probably felt as relieved as I did, or close.
“Okay, jump in anytime. This is about all three of us.” He swiveled slightly, facing the kids, and lowered his voice a touch. Not enough to sound like he was talking down to them, but so it was clear that their feelings were the most important thing in the world to him. To all of us. “I know things have been stressful, and I’m sorry. Your dad, mom, and I are all sorry that things have been tense. I don’t know if that’s a word that you guys would choose, but that’s how I’m going to describe it. There’s been a lot of change in all our lives, and we grown-ups have gone through some more changes, and we’ve been trying to figure them out. Before I explain it, I want you to know that no one is sick, no one is hurt, and you’re allowed to feel however you feel about what I’m getting ready to say, no matter what it is. Any way you feel is fine, and your mom, dad, and I will love you no matter what.”
He spared a glance our way, probably to see if there was anything we wanted to add, my throat was clinched up tight, and Erica was already sniffling beside me.
Donovan didn’t wait for any more of a response from us before turning back to the kids. Any thoughts I’d had about him being buzzed earlier flitted away. He was one-hundred-percent focused on my children. “It’s that love that I’m talking about. The love is shifting a little bit, but there’s the same amount that there’s always been. And the love for you guys won’t be changing at all.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Emma looked from him to us and back.
Donovan laughed, sounding a little bit embarrassed. “I know, darling. I’m sorry. This is a little bit harder when I’m in the middle of it. I….”
Erica sniffed again and then stepped around me to kneel in front of the swing. “Your daddy and Uncle Donovan love each other. That’s all that’s changing. You already knew that Cody won’t be in our lives anymore, and truth be told, I think you’re kind of relieved about that. The only thing that’s changing is that your daddy and Donovan are going to be together from now on. There’s been nothing wrong, nothing in your lives is going to fall apart. I just had to take a few days to get used to it. That’s all.”
Emma narrowed her eyes, studying all three of us. But her gaze came to rest again on her mom. “That’s really all?”
Erica nodded.
“Be together?” Ethan had a nearly identical expression to his sister. “Like Uncle David and Uncle Mark are together?”
Erica nodded again. “Yes, exactly. That’s all.”
“And you’re sad?” Ethan sounded so much younger than his seven years in that moment.
Erica let out a little laugh and wiped away a tear. “Yes, I am. But that’s okay. That isn’t anything for you to worry about. Just give me a hug every morning when you wake up and before we go to sleep. And”—she wiped her eyes again—“I think I already feel a little better just having you guys know. Everything is going to be fine.”
Emma returned to studying the three of us, inspecting us as if she was a therapist like her uncle. She looked to Donovan. “Are you and Daddy going to live together? I hope you don’t move in with him. I don’t like his new place. Yours is much better.” She looked at me. “You should move in here.”
It was like she’d been reading my mind on my drive back from San Francisco earlier. “All of that stuff will get figured out in time. Right now, the important thing to all three of us is you two. Does it all make sense? Are there any questions or worries you have?”
Emma shook her head, and Ethan shrugged. Maybe questions would come up, maybe not. They understood gay relationships better than most adults I knew outside of Lavender Shores.
“Well, if either of you think of any questions or have any feelings that you want to share, you can talk to any of us, anytime. And even if you don’t, your mom, dad, and I will still be checking in on you just to make sure. Okay?”
They both nodded.
“Good.” He looked toward Erica and me and waited for a moment. “This is still a little awkward, and I know this will take a while, but should we start now? I have some ice cream I can dish out. Sit out here and chat for a while, or just watch the sunset on the veranda, as Ms. Kelly likes to say.”
“Oh dear Lord, Ms. Kelly and all her highfaluting terms. I swear—” Erica’s words faded away as she realized what she’d been about to say. She’d actually sounded like herself for a second. And in that moment, though I wasn’t sure how long it would take, I knew things were going to ultimately be okay.
I couldn’t stand still any longer. And I had a feeling the kids needed to move as well. “Come on, you two. I also know where Uncle Donovan keeps the cookie dough. If you guys help me dish it all out, you can cut some of that up and dump it in as well.”
Ethan cheered, sounding almost normal, and Emma smiled as she slid off the swing and walked toward me. I had a feeling it would take her longer to believe things would be back to normal, but they would be. I opened the door and let the kids walk in, and then I hesitated, eavesdropping for a moment when I saw Donovan walk toward Erica.
She held up her hand again. And though her voice was low, there wasn’t any hostility in her tone that I could hear. “Not yet, Donovan. I will treat you the same around the kids, but beyond that, I’m not ready for more. Maybe I will be one day, but not yet.”
I knew those words had to sting him to his core, and I needed to rescue him. Rescue both of them. “I’m pretty sure if you leave this up to the kids and me, there’s going to be ice cream all over the place. Why don’t you guys come in and scoop up your own. Each of you can have some cookie dough, save me from getting a belly again.”
They both hesitated but then took the out, thankfully. As she passed, Erica didn’t smile, but she met my gaze for a moment and nodded.
I reached for Donovan as he wal
ked by. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, relieved.” He squeezed my hand. “Are you okay?”
“Think I feel the same, relieved as well. And strangely, it suddenly feels more real. I wasn’t even aware that part of it didn’t.”
“I know what you mean.” He hesitated, like he was forcing himself to ask. “Are you good with that? With this being real?”
“Oh yeah!” I really, really was. “Tomorrow, we don’t have to hide. We can go on dates just as easy in Lavender Shores as in San Francisco.”
Nineteen
Donovan
Secrets are powerful things. Often dangerous. Although sometimes keeping a secret was the very reason a family worked, it always seemed to come at a high price. When I became a therapist, my intention was to help people. I thought I would help those struggling with their sexuality, help people overcome abuse, help people who were barely hanging on to not give up. Maybe that was why I had connected with the sixteen-year-old Gilbert so many years ago. He was the textbook example of why I had chosen my career. At least aside from trying to work through my own family issues.
I didn’t have too many clients like Gilbert. Sure, people come to me for traumatic reasons often enough, but not nearly as much as I’d envisioned while I was getting my degree and completing my practicum.
Bigger than any amount of trauma, I’d come to realize, my entire professional career had been built around secrets.
I’d started to think of myself as the secret keeper of Lavender Shores. People came to me to confess. I was guessing at a higher rate than in other places. As there are no churches in Lavender Shores, I suspected I fulfilled the role of therapist and priest for many. I knew of affairs, secret hurts, smaller crimes, and countless addictions. Every so often, there’d be secrets that I couldn’t keep, both legally and morally, but whether that was because I was in Lavender Shores or not, those were few and far between. So day after day after day, I was told secret after secret after secret, and I held them all. If I accomplished nothing else in helping some of my clients, I at least offered that one place of freedom where they could feel like they were known, where they could bare their soul, and then walk out my door feeling a little more capable of going about their lives.
The Veranda (Lavender Shores Book 3) Page 18