I crossed my fingers and channelled sincerity for all I was worth. “I was doing the books for a religious group. I can’t say which one because the police are still investigating. But they were kind of creepy, and eventually I realized they had some really sick notions of morality, so I told them I didn’t want to do their books anymore. They pressured me to come back, and eventually I did. But then I discovered some flyers in their office that made me really nervous, stuff about how their calling is to eradicate the work of the devil. It sounded like they might be planning attacks against businesses that they thought were doing the devil’s work. So I called the police. That was a few days ago, but they must have realized I had figured out what they were doing. I had some threatening phone calls, and this morning that photo was taped to my garage door. I was so scared I just drove straight to the police station in Drumheller. I didn’t even think to take the paper with me until I was on the road, and then I was too afraid to come back.”
I stopped babbling, hoping I hadn’t sounded too glib. Please let him swallow it.
“Aydan,” he said gently. “If anything like this ever happens again, come to me, okay? You could have called the police from my house. You didn’t have to drive all the way to Drumheller.”
“I know, Tom, it was stupid, but I was so scared…”
Great, now I looked like a pathetic fluff-brain. I held back a sigh. Maybe he’d decide I was too dumb to live and give up on me…
No such luck.
“You must be really shaken up over this. Do you want me to come over?”
Damn sympathy. I swallowed hard. “Thanks, Tom, I really appreciate the offer. But Arnie’s here, and I’ll be fine.”
“Okay. Call me if you need anything. No matter how big or small.”
“Thanks. ‘Bye.”
I let my arm fall to my lap, blowing out a long breath. Hellhound’s arms closed around me and I pressed my face into his shirt. “God, I hate lying to people,” I mumbled.
“I know, darlin’. Come on, let’s go sit somewhere more comfortable.”
I let him help me to my feet and we wandered into the living room to sink onto the sofa. Leaning against him, I rolled my raw emotions into a ball and locked them down, letting my mind go blank.
Just let it all go away. My body throbbed with an ache that wasn’t just bruises and sore muscles.
Gentle fingertips coaxed my chin up. “Ya still in there, darlin’?”
I closed my eyes and tucked my head down against him. “No. I’m taking a vacation. Back in a few years.”
I had expected him to chuckle, but he didn’t. “Ya beatin’ yourself up over Kane?”
“I can’t think about that right now.”
“It ain’t your fault, Aydan.”
Just shut the hell up and let me sit here.
His voice was soft. “Ya really went to town on that guy today. Ya wanna talk about it?”
“No.”
He sat in silence for a short time before speaking again. “Aydan, look at me.”
Why couldn’t he just sit there and be quiet the way he’d done before? I pried my eyes open and straightened to face him.
He studied me. “I’m worried about ya, darlin’.”
Okay, fine. Convince him there was nothing to worry about and he’d shut up. I cranked on a smile.
“Thanks, Arnie. There’s nothing to worry about. I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“That all it is?” His keen gaze looked into my soul, and I leaned in to kiss him before he could see too much.
“Yeah, that’s all. In fact, I think I’ll call it a night.”
He caught my hand as I pulled away. “Hang on, Aydan. We gotta talk.”
Chapter 40
God, not now.
I listened to my voice say ‘What’s wrong?’ without inflection.
He laid gentle fingertips under my chin and looked into my eyes for a moment before letting out a sigh. “I dunno, darlin’, but I can guess. How d’ya feel?”
“Fine.” When he said nothing, I recanted. “Sorry, I’m not trying to lie to you, I just don’t want you to worry.” I summoned all my energy to paste on my best convincing smile. “My arms and chest hurt and those welts on my leg still sting a bit, but other than that I’m fine.”
“But ya ain’t scared or mad or anythin’?” His voice was very soft.
“No, I’m okay. Just tired.” Another premium, Grade-A-convincing smile.
For shit’s sake, just let it go and leave me alone.
“I need a beer.” Hellhound rose abruptly and strode for the kitchen. I heard the fridge door and musical clinking, and a moment later he returned with two bottles, passing me one as he sank back onto the couch beside me.
I handed it back to him. “I’m not really in the mood for beer. Thanks anyway.”
He laid an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close beside his warmth. “Drink it. Ya need it.” He pressed the bottle back into my hand and took a deep swallow of his own.
“Um, no, actually I don’t, Arnie. I’m okay.”
He sighed and slouched down on the sofa, laying his head back to stare at the ceiling. “Can I tell ya somethin’ personal?”
Miss Manners spoke before I could silence her. “Of course, you can tell me anything.”
No. Not tonight. Please, just shut up.
He tipped the beer bottle up to his lips, its contents gurgling alarmingly. By the time the bottle came to rest on his knee again, it was half empty.
“When I was a kid an’ the ol’ man was on a shit-faced rampage,” he began.
I gulped a long swallow of beer and curled tighter behind my shield of indifference. Not tonight. I couldn’t bear his pain tonight. I tried to block out his words, but his voice was inexorable.
“Us kids used to hide, just stay outta the way, but he’d find us and whale on us just for the hell of it. Mean fucker.”
He drank more beer. “I was about four. Don, he was six years older, an’ one day he told me about his safe place. I didn’t get it, ‘cause the ol’ man’d just beat the shit outta him. Knocked out a coupla teeth an’ broke his arm. But he said he had a safe place in his mind, a place where he could go an’ it didn’t matter if anybody hit him or not.”
I shivered and Hellhound pulled the throw blanket over me, cuddling me closer against him. But he didn’t stop talking.
“After that it made sense,” he went on. “I always knew when he was in his safe place. I could see it in his eyes. I made a safe place in my mind, too, an’ I went there whenever the ol’ man got hold a’ me.”
He turned to study me. “Your ex was a mean motherfucker, too, an’ I bet ya got a safe place a’ your own. An’ I think you’re there now.”
I said nothing, clinging to my shield.
Hellhound sighed and chugged more beer before leaning back to speak to the ceiling again. “It’s good to have that place. It gets ya through shit. But one day Don went to his safe place an’ he just never came back. Kept on livin’, but he was just goin’ through the motions. One night years later he was shit-faced as usual. We were kicked back shootin’ the shit, an’ he said the only time he felt really alive was when he was hurtin’ somebody.”
I already knew the rest of that story. How Don had perpetuated the cycle of violence and addiction in his own family. How Arnie had tried over and over to get help for them until the night his brother turned on him. The twisted scar on his forearm told the story more eloquently than he ever could.
So much pain.
Hellhound drained his bottle and sat up to face me. “Aydan, ya gotta come outta that place now. It’s okay to go there when ya need to, but it ain’t a good place to live.”
I shrugged. “I told you, I’m fine.”
“Maybe.” He took my hand, stroking it gently. “Darlin’, ya said ya never lied to me.”
“I haven’t.”
“Ya said ya trusted me.”
“I do.”
“So tell me the truth now.” He se
arched my face. “Ya know what I’m talkin’ about, don’t ya?”
Leave me alone. Just go away and leave me alone.
Stubborn honesty forced a reply out of me.
“Yes.”
“Ya know ya can’t stay there, don’t ya?”
I pulled my hand out of his grasp. “Why not? I lived there for years. It works.”
“Darlin’, it doesn’t work. Ya think it’s workin’ ‘cause ya can’t feel the pain, but the truth is ya can’t feel anythin’.”
“Yeah, and you know what? I’m just fine with that.” I tipped up my beer bottle for a defiant gulp.
“But I ain’t.” His quiet intensity froze me. “Aydan, that place’s always gonna be there inside ya. Ya can go back if ya need to. But the longer ya stay there, the harder it is to leave. Ya gotta come back now.”
Sudden tremors rocked me, long waves shaking me to my core. “Arnie, please don’t ask me to do that right now. I just need a bit of time. Later I will, I promise. I’ll deal with it. Just not now.”
He straightened, holding me with his gaze. “Darlin’, I never asked ya for anythin’ before, but I’m askin’ ya now. Come back to me. Please.”
The touch of his fingertips on my cheek breached my defences.
“No!” I jerked away, my throat tightening, tears blurring my vision. “Goddamn it, you have no right to ask me that! It’s… I won’t…” Sobs caught in my aching chest. “Shit…”
I sprang up to run, but for the first time since I’d known him, Arnie didn’t let me go. He was on his feet in an instant, his hands firm on my shoulders. I tried to twist free, but he held me fast.
“Aydan,” he said urgently. “Ya said ya trusted me. Trust me now.”
“To… do… what?” I thumped my fists against his chest. The tears were spilling over onto my cheeks. “What? You can’t… protect me… you can’t…” A sob tore from my throat. “Let me go…” I tried to push him away, my arms screaming with the effort.
His voice was so soft I barely heard him. “Trust me to hold ya when ya cry.”
He released me and stepped back, his powerful arms dropping to his sides, his palms turned toward me in silent entreaty.
I had been wrong all these years. There was still something left inside me that could break.
My legs wobbled and I slumped to the floor, raw sobs tearing my throat. When Arnie’s arms closed around me, I clung to him as if to a life raft in a hostile ocean, my tears soaking his shirt.
Cradled in his arms, I wept helplessly until at last I subsided into hiccups and sniffles while he muttered comfort, stroking my hair over and over. Humiliation heated my already-burning cheeks.
God, how could I be such a pathetic mess? I should have made him leave. I should have left. Idiot.
Damn weak stupid idiot.
“Aydan?”
At the sound of his soft rasp, I pressed my face tighter against his soggy shirt.
Why couldn’t I just vanish?
“Darlin’, I know what you’re thinkin’, an’ you’re dead wrong.”
“No, you don’t,” I mumbled.
“Yeah, I do. You’re kickin’ yourself an’ tellin’ yourself I’m gonna laugh at ya an’ never let ya forget this. An’ you’re wonderin’ how to pretend it never happened, an’ maybe you’re thinkin’ ya should dump me ‘cause I’m gettin’ too close.”
I gulped. Okay, so maybe he did know what I was thinking.
“Aydan, your ex was fucked up. I ain’t him. I ain’t gonna use this to hurt ya. I already forgot it happened, an’ if you’re thinkin’ this’s gonna turn us into a couple, tell me now so I can run like hell.”
In spite of myself, I snickered wetly against his chest. “I love your fear of commitment.”
He chuckled. “I’m gonna take that as a compliment.” He caressed my hair away from my cheek. “Come on, darlin’, sit up.”
I burrowed closer. “No. I’ve got snot all over my face.”
“Wipe it on my shirt.”
“Gross! No.”
Hellhound laughed. “Well, ya better figure out somethin’ before it dries or you’ll be stuck to me for good.”
I snickered again. “Joined by the sacred bonds of crusty snot.”
“Jesus, darlin’, ya should write weddin’ poetry.” He dropped a kiss on the top of my head. “I’ll get the snot-rags. Be right back.”
He rose while I fiddled with the blanket, hiding my face. Before I had a chance to get embarrassed all over again, the tissue box plopped down in front of me and he sat on the sofa.
After some mopping and blowing, I couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer. Arnie leaned forward to raise my chin.
“Lemme see your face, darlin’.”
I focused on the binding of my blanket, picking at a few loose threads. “No. I’m sure it’s not a pretty sight.”
His fingers were gentle but insistent. “Look at me, Aydan. Look me in the eye.”
When I met his gaze at last, he smiled, his shoulders easing. “You’re right, it ain’t pretty. It’s beautiful. Come here, darlin’.” He held out his arms and when I curled beside him on the couch, he pulled me close and pressed his lips against my hair.
“Thanks for comin’ back,” he murmured.
I hid my face against his clammy shirt. “It wasn’t like you gave me a choice.”
“It’s always your choice, darlin’.” His hand smoothed my hair. “Ya know there’s another choice ya should think about makin’. Ya been through some bad shit lately. Ya might wanna think about talkin’ to somebody. I know ya got trust issues, but a shrink ain’t gonna use your feelin’s against ya.”
“I know.” I blew out a breath of surrender. “I’ll call Dr. Rawling tomorrow.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” I pulled away to meet his eyes. “How about you?”
“Me?” He shrugged. “I’m fine.”
“You called me on my bullshit, now I get to call you on yours. You shot a man today, too. Doesn’t that bother you?”
He sighed, looking through me into the past. “Hate to say it, darlin’, but no, not really. Kinda wish it did, but I ain’t gonna lie to ya.” His gaze faltered and he picked up my half-empty beer bottle, squinting at it. “Just like my fuckin’ ol’ man.” He raised the bottle in a bitter toast and poured the contents down his throat.
“Arnie, that’s not true.”
He shrugged.
“Arnie.” I cupped his face in my hands to look into his eyes. “You lived in a war zone before you were even old enough to go to school. You saw combat in the army. Defending yourself without remorse doesn’t make you like your old man. I know you don’t enjoy causing pain. He did. It’s totally different.”
“Just seems like it’s pretty fucked up to put a bullet in a guy an’ not give a shit.”
I turned away, unable to meet his eyes. “Well, you’re not as fucked up as me,” I mumbled. “I shot his face off.”
His voice was soft behind me. “I got a feelin’ there was a reason. That the guy that beat ya?”
“Yeah.” I didn’t turn around. “It wasn’t just that, though. He burned a man to death in the kiln.” I shuddered, sickness rising at the memory. “The kiln was so hot he just…” Hellhound’s arms closed around me and I turned to hide against his chest.
“I heard him sizzling, Arnie. Like… like a steak on a barbecue. It was… just… He was going to do the same to John. And I thought he’d blown Lola up with a bomb. And because of him, John’s facing a court-martial and rape charges.”
He stiffened. “Rape? What the fuck, Aydan, how’d that happen?”
I pulled away to face him. “It was my fault. John was unconscious and Doytchevsky was going to put him in the kiln. I had to find a way to stall. I knew how much Doytchevsky hated John, so I told him John raped me and I wanted to get revenge. It kept him from killing John, but…”
I wrapped my aching arms around my body. “I might as well have killed him myself. John faked a confessio
n, and Doytchevsky recorded it and sent the video to his entire chain of command.”
Hellhound slumped back on the sofa. “Aw, shit.”
Chapter 41
The phone woke me in the grey half-light of early morning. I jerked violently, my heart leaping into a frenzied drumming as I wrestled free of the blankets and scrambled over Hellhound’s barely-stirring bulk to grab the handset.
The call display did nothing to soothe my fear. I punched the Talk button. “What?”
Stemp’s voice didn’t sound as urgent as I’d feared. “The hearing is arranged for ten-hundred hours today. Briefing in my office at zero-nine.”
“I’ll be there.”
He disconnected without another word and I collapsed back onto the bed, waiting for my heart rate to slow.
Hellhound heaved up on one elbow to peer anxiously down at me. “What, darlin’?”
“Stemp has arranged a hearing for Kane at ten o’clock. He wants a briefing with me at nine.”
He flopped back on the pillow, scrubbing his hands over his face. “Is that good or bad?”
“I don’t know.” I stared at the ceiling, crushing a handful of blanket in my fist. “Oh, God, Arnie, I pressured Briggs and Stemp into having a hearing today, but what if I can’t convince them John’s confession was faked? And even if I do convince them, he’ll get court-martialled anyway for disobeying an order. Maybe I should have just shut up and let it drag on a little longer…”
“No, darlin’.” He slid an arm around my shoulders. “Kane’d wanna get it over with. Ya did the right thing.”
I sighed and propped my chin on his chest, following the lines of his tattoos with my fingertip. “I don’t know anything about military law. Do you think there’s any chance he can avoid the court-martial? Or be acquitted?”
His silence confirmed my fears.
“Prob’ly not,” he rasped at last. “It’s pretty straightforward. Direct order, an’ he broke it.” He caressed my hair. “Dunno how important ya are in the big picture an’ I know ya can’t tell me, but if you’re as important as I think, he might be able to argue he was protectin’ national security tryin’ to keep ya safe.”
His chest rose and fell under me in a deep sigh. “Doubt if they’ll go for it, though. If somebody’d had ya at gunpoint, maybe, but not when ya were just drivin’ down the highway. They’ll say he shoulda called it in to Stemp an’ stayed away.” He pounded a fist against the mattress. “Fuck, I told him to stay put an’ let me deal with it, but he wouldn’t fuckin’ listen.”
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