by Lisa Cassidy
A whisper of thought touched her magic, too quick to catch, and she would never invade Cayr’s privacy. “Is there something else?”
He poured himself a glass of water, clearly mulling over something. Alyx waited for him to say what was on his mind, her own thoughts chaotic. She was going to have to talk to him, but now? Maybe it would be better to wait until he’d settled in back home, but that would only be delaying the inevitable.
“You’re not as useless as Casovar thinks you are, are you?”
Taken aback—that wasn’t the question she’d been expecting—Alyx affected casualness. “If I told you that, I’d have to kill you,” she said lightly.
He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t trust me?”
“I absolutely trust you. I just don’t want to put you in a position where you have to lie to Lord-Mage Casovar, or your father,” she said, becoming serious.
“I would never betray your confidence,” he said earnestly. “Never, and you know that.”
“I know, but I don’t want to make you lie for me either.” She smiled. “Let’s just say, you’re right. I’m not quite as useless as Casovar thinks.”
Cayr sighed and nodded. Something flickered in his eyes, but it was so quick she couldn’t quite read it. It was rare that she couldn’t read him, and it startled her.
“Are you all right?” she asked softly.
“You’re different since DarkSkull.” He gave a little shake of his head. “I just came back from weeks away and I don’t even get a hug?”
Inwardly, she winced, then reached out to take his hand. “I am pleased to see you, Cayr. And you’re right, I have changed, but you’re still my friend, and I still need you in my life.”
“Not as much as you used to, though?”
She looked away, unable to lie. “I think that’s part of growing up.” Alyx wasn’t going to give him false promises, but she kept her voice as gentle as she could. Inside her stomach was twisting up into knots so tight breathing had become difficult. She couldn’t not tell him. She couldn’t. It would have to be now.
“I came straight here because I missed you and wanted to see you.” He visibly shook off his sadness and smiled a little, eagerness brightening them to a light blue. “But also because I have two important things I wanted to talk to you about. My father wrote to say that you’re staying this time—Lord-Mage Casovar isn’t sending you back to DarkSkull. It was the happiest news I think I’ve heard in a long time, and it only makes what I’m planning easier.”
Alyx’s heart sank. She could guess what was coming, and he had no idea, none at all. Guilt churned in her and she sucked in a breath—could she do this to him? She had to... but to cause him pain like that. It was unthinkable.
“You said two things. What exactly do you want to talk about?” she asked carefully.
He took her hands, blue eyes serious on hers. “Firstly, I love you, Alyx. These past weeks away, the whole time you were at DarkSkull, I thought about you every single day. I don’t ever want anyone else.”
Alyx shifted back slightly, unable to be so close to him. “We were apart for a long time, and I know we’ve always been best friends, but—”
“We were never just friends. I want to marry you, Alyx.”
“I know,” she whispered.
“I’m willing to take things slowly, to rebuild what we had. I’m not asking that we get married tomorrow, or even next month,” he said gently. “But I would like to be able to put my arms around you, to kiss you, to tell everyone that we belong to each other. I want formal permission to court you.”
She looked down at her feet. If only she’d known he was coming back today, she could have prepared for this, somehow made it easier... but that was foolish. No matter how prepared she was, it wouldn’t change how badly her truth was going to hurt him. She took a deep breath, summoning her courage for what was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever done.
“Cayr... ” She forced herself to look up at him. The words were there on her tongue, but she had to force them out, leaving her voice barely audible. “I can’t give you what you want.”
“What does that mean?” He frowned, puzzlement in his voice.
“I told you that when I was away this past year there was someone else?”
He stilled, the light in his blue eyes fading. “You said it was over.”
“And I was telling the truth, at the time.” She searched for the right words, struggling to find them. “But it meant more to me than I realised when we spoke. I was denying how I felt because I wanted us back and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Who?”
“I... ” She hesitated, something inside her unable to land the final blow. The courage she’d had a moment earlier was gone, burned away by the hurt in his face and voice. “Cayr, if you asked me to marry you now, I would say no. It’s not what I want.”
For a long moment he was silent, utter shock creeping across his handsome face. He let go of her hands and stepped back, his head shaking a little. He truly hadn’t ever considered this eventuality—she could see it in the depth of his growing despair, his difficulty in understanding what she was telling him. So instead he focused on the detail, blue eyes shooting up to meet hers again, dark and determined.
“Is it someone I know? It must be, if it happened at DarkSkull, and now it’s come up again?” He ran an agitated hand through his hair. “He’s here, isn’t he? Is it Cario? I just saw him over at the palace. Casovar said he arrived a few weeks ago.”
“Cayr… please.” She forced the words out, trying to stop his rambling. But she couldn’t say anymore, her resolve in tatters. All she could do was stand there while his heart broke into a thousand pieces. How could she do this to him?
“It’s him, isn’t it?” His eyes bored into hers. “Alyx, please, tell me the truth.”
She bit her lip, tears welling in her eyes. His pleading tone cut right through her, burning a trail of grief and guilt through her heart. “Cayr, I’m so sorry. It’s Dashan.”
For a moment he looked utterly confused, as if she’d told him the sky was green. Then the realisation hit him—that this was real, and she wasn’t messing with him. His face crumpled with hurt and despair, and when he spoke his voice sounded broken. “Dashan? You and... Dashan?”
She took a deep, shuddering breath. “Yes.”
“Alyx, how could you... ” The words burst out of him, raw and bitter. “How could he do this?”
“It wasn’t something we did deliberately.” She tried to explain, knew it was useless. The tears in her eyes spilled over, trickling down her cheeks. This was more torturous than any nightmare she’d had.
Cayr reached up to wipe fiercely at his eyes, his gaze darting everywhere as if looking for someone else to come along and tell him this wasn’t happening. Eventually he looked back at her. “I don’t understand.” He sounded lost. “Tell me there’s some explanation for all of this.”
Her heart ached, and she wiped uselessly at her own tears. “There’s an explanation, just not one you’re going to like.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he burst out, hurt turning rapidly to anger. “You and Dashan don’t even like each other that much. How did that change? What about us, Alyx?”
“I wanted us!” The words burst out of her, filled with her bitterness and pain. “I wanted us more than anything. You know that. I spent a year at DarkSkull thinking of nothing else but you and our future. But it changed me. Going back changed me more.”
“It can’t have changed what we are to each other.” Anger darkened his blue eyes. “You can’t just decide that’s all gone!”
Alyx flinched at the raw hurt in his words, hating that she was the cause of it. This was so much worse than what he’d done with Jenna.
“I didn’t decide anything,” she managed, unable to hold the bitterness back. “Things happened to me that were completely out of my control, and they changed me. I’m not the same girl you asked to marry you two years ago. I lo
st her.” Alyx’s voice broke. “I lost all of it. My entire world before that day is gone, and it almost destroyed me.”
He stared down at her for a long moment, but now she saw the hurt fading, instead to be replaced by a look of grim determination.
“Your love for me hasn’t changed,” he said. “I know it hasn’t. Whatever this thing with Dash is, it can’t compare to what we share.”
Somehow, she cobbled together the courage for one final blow. Leaving him with any false hope would be cruel. “I’m not in love with you.” The words came out in a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
Cayr shook his head and backed away. “He’ll break your heart. Think about that, Alyx.”
With those words, he turned and walked away. Alyx stared after him, forced to sit down as her entire body began trembling.
I’m so sorry, Cayr.
Chapter 17
It was late afternoon by the time Alyx calmed enough to go back into the mansion. Once there, she went upstairs to wash the sweat from her skin with a cool, scented bath before sitting by the window to let the dark strands of her hair dry in the sun.
As dusk fell, she dressed in a light, sleeveless cotton tunic she’d had made since returning to Rionn. Loose pants made from similar cloth and a pair of intricately worked leather sandals finished off her attire. Her father was coming out of his study as Alyx came down the stairs. He stopped as he caught sight of her.
“Where are you going, Aly-girl?”
He sounded weary, and though she didn’t want to add to his burdens, she loved him too much to lie to him. “Dashan’s father is hosting a dinner for him. He was promoted to captain last week.”
“It surprises me Tirian would bother, especially since he cast Dash off.”
“Me too,” she agreed. “But he’s a ranking noble, after all. I suppose it wouldn’t look good not to recognise your son’s promotion in the Blue Guard. Even then, I think it’s more because he thinks it might get Cayr to attend.”
“Ah, yes.” He matched her knowing look. “I heard he came back today.”
“He was here earlier.” Alyx tried to ignore the rush of guilt and grief she felt at hearing his name. “I don’t think he’s coming.”
Garan rubbed at his forehead. “I heard Dashan’s promotion was coming, and I’m glad for the lad. It’s right his father acknowledges it. Goodness knows he’s never done much else for his son.”
“Thank you for saying that,” she said softly.
“Enjoy your evening.” He smiled tiredly. “We should talk soon, you and I.”
“Is everything all right?”
“It will be.” He smiled. “Go on. Don’t let your too-serious father’s worries drag you down. Congratulate Dashan for me.”
“I will. And whenever you want to have that talk, I’ll be here,” she promised.
Lord-General Tirian Caverlock lived in a palatial townhouse in the wealthiest district of Alistriem. It was an exclusive quarter at the base of the hill, along the banks of the waterfall and river. Torches lined the roads of these wide, paved streets. She hadn’t been to the Caverlock mansion since late childhood—Dashan had been cast off at fourteen, and they hadn’t been back since.
Two grooms were waiting in the cobblestoned courtyard as Alyx rode in, and one stepped forward to help her dismount and take Tingo’s reins. She spent a few moments with the stallion, calming him and warning him to behave with the unfamiliar groom. He snorted his displeasure at her, but went off docilely enough. Another servant opened the front door at her knock, and she was ushered politely into the entrance foyer.
“Well, if it isn’t Lady Egalion.” A laughing voice greeted her.
Alyx fought a smile as Dashan bowed low, mockery in every line of his body, then straightened with a flourish. “If the lady would come with me?”
He took her hand and led her away from the entrance foyer, into a small coat room off the nearest hallway. As soon as the door closed behind them, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. She kissed him back just as eagerly, her arms wrapping around his neck, her body moulding itself to his. He backed her up until she was pressing into the door, and proceeded to kiss his way down her jaw and neck. Her head fell back against the door, her body limp in his arms.
“Wasn’t it only this morning we were doing this?” she murmured breathlessly.
He looked up from her neck with a grin. “I missed you since then.”
“Me too.” She laughed and kissed him again, unable to get enough of the way he made her feel, the way his touch made her heart race and her entire body feel alive.
In the days since Dashan’s return, they’d spent any free time they’d had together. With Tarrick and the twins still away, and Cario busy with Casovar, Dashan and Alyx had been given a window of time where it could just be the two of them. They’d been amongst the most wonderful days of her life, hesitant as she was to admit that to herself.
“As much as I want to stay here forever.” Dashan eventually pulled back. “My father is likely to notice I’m missing very soon.”
“There’s something you should know before we go out there.”
“What is it?” he murmured, eyes darkening as he correctly read the emotion in her face. The emotional aftermath of her interaction with Cayr still resonated, and it would be a long time before the guilt faded.
“Cayr’s back.”
The light faded from Dashan’s face and he stepped back. “I see.”
“I had no idea he was returning today, but he came to see me. He was insistent on talking about us. He wanted to begin formally courting me.” She hesitated. “Dashan, I had to tell him the truth.”
His face cleared, and something inside her ached—he’d been expecting her to tell him she’d agreed to court Cayr. The surprise faded as he realised what she’d said, replaced by growing guilt. “You told him about us?”
“I couldn’t lie to him, not after what happened with Jenna.” She paused. “I’m sorry, but he knows you and I are... whatever we are.”
Dashan sighed and took another step back, running a hand through his dark hair. “I wanted to talk to him myself, face-to-face.”
“I know. But he was demanding to know who it was. I think he was moments away from challenging poor Cario to a duel.”
A shadow crossed Dashan’s face; he still didn’t trust the mage, even after Alyx had explained everything to him. “I can’t imagine how he must be feeling right now. I’ll go and see him tonight, straight after this dinner.”
“That’s probably a good idea. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise. I know you were trying to do the right thing.” He reached for the door. “Come on, we’d best get to dinner.”
“Lady Egalion.” Dashan’s father bowed politely. “We are honoured to have you here.”
“Thank you for inviting me, Lord Caverlock,” she said graciously.
He smiled. “Please come through.”
Alyx glanced at Dashan as he offered his arm. “You didn’t invite any of the Bluecoats from your unit? Surely Tijer and Casta at least would have come.”
“This evening has nothing to do with my father wanting to celebrate my promotion,” Dashan said. “I don’t want any of my friends to see that.”
“Yet you invited me?”
“You know me better than anyone,” he said soberly. “You were always able to see the reality of my life, even when we argued constantly.”
“I’m sorry things were so awful for you.”
He paused for a moment to look down at her, letting her see some of the pain he kept wrapped up so tightly inside him. “The truth is, I needed you here with me tonight.”
She squeezed his arm, wishing that they were somewhere private so that she could throw her arms around him. “Then I’m glad you asked.”
There were an assortment of other lesser nobles gathered around the long dining table, along with a handful of Alistriem-based senior officers from the Blue Guard. Dashan’s father took a seat at the head of
the table, with Dashan on his left. Regan, Dashan’s older—and legitimate—brother, and heir to the lordship, sat on their father’s right. Alyx, as the highest ranked noble there, was placed on Regan’s other side.
Only two years in age separated them, but Dashan and Regan had never been close. Alyx suspected Regan had hated the sudden arrival of another child—albeit unwanted—to take his father’s attention away from him. And as for Dashan, well, Regan was the legitimate son and he had everything Dashan didn’t.
Regan promptly took the opportunity to be as charming as possible in a not so subtle attempt to gain her favour. Alyx responded as little as she could, but tried to be polite for Dashan’s sake.
From the moment Dashan broke the news to his father that Cayr wouldn’t be coming, he was essentially ignored. Tirian Caverlock and those seated at the top of the table spoke jovially about a myriad of things that did not include Dashan, who sat quietly and stared broodingly at his dinner. Alyx seethed on his behalf, her anger building, but she forced herself to keep quiet.
“Lady Egalion, you’ve known my brother for quite some time,” Regan said amiably as empty plates were taken away in preparation for dessert.
“Since we were young children, yes.”
“It always surprised me, little Dash managing to make friends with yourself and Prince Cayr.”
“Did it?” she said flatly.
Undeterred by Alyx’s clear lack of interest in the topic, Regan forged ahead. “I mean, he’s never really amounted to much, has he? You’d think the king would have wanted his son to keep away from Dash. Your father too.”
She looked up, trying to veil her irritation, and caught Dashan watching, listening to every word.
Lord Caverlock nodded at his eldest son’s words and gave a chuckle. “I doubt he’d even have made captain if it weren’t for the fact he was my son and the prince’s friend.”
Dashan’s face had darkened to a thundercloud, and Alyx spoke before he could, not wanting Dashan’s dinner ruined by another bitter argument between father and son. “Actually, sir, that’s not true.”