Dare to Hope

by Caitlin Ricci

  “I think my parents started it, but when I saw each of them, the names just came to me. They both ended up starting with an L, but it wasn’t intentional.” Looking at her kids, she grinned at them where they were studying a blue butterfly hovering over a hibiscus flower. “I think it fits them, anyway. And how long have you two been together?”

  Chris decided to speak up before Samuel could say anything. “Oh, we’re not dating. Just friends. Met last night. That’s it.” Shit. He should have let Samuel come up with something; at least it might have sounded believable.

  Kylie pulled a face, clearly not believing the bullshit he spouted. “No! Really? Never mind, then. I think you Kiwi guys love the Americans. Is it coincidence that Bran’s also from the States, Samuel?”

  “It’s a big country,” Chris said defensively before he remembered to ask, “And who’s Bran? Also, I’m from Canada. Not the US. Want to hear my French? Or should I make a French demonstration on Samuel here? With my tongue?” He realized a second too late that he had entered full bitch mode, which was never a good thing. “Or how about Russian? I’m also fluent there.”

  Kylie’s bright smile diminished, and she beckoned her kids closer, away from the bitch-man in front of her. “Hey, no worries, mate.” She gave Samuel a concerned glance and whispered loudly as she stepped away, “Geez, and I thought we were uptight about being called Aussies.” Her kids ran ahead, and she waved awkwardly. “See ya later, Sam. Nice meeting you… Eddie.”

  “I owe her chocolate. That was really bad. Like volcano blowing up and killing the villagers bad.” Chris shook his head after she’d gone. “When the fuck did I get to be such a bitch? And before noon too? Shit. Coffee! I need coffee.”

  Samuel looked at the toes of his boots and shook his head in disbelief. “That was awful. And may I add that she’s everything but stupid? She’s cunning and sneaky as hell. I’m sorry. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to come here after all.”

  Sighing, Chris knew Samuel was probably right. “I’m not fit for public consumption. Take me back to my hotel? Or did you want to do something first? And you shouldn’t be sorry. I’m the one lying to the only person in the world that truly loves me. It’s not your fault I’m being stupid. Before we go, though, can we go through and see the butterflies? It is sort of our first date.” He blushed deeply when he remembered a few key details. “If we were actually dating. If, you know, we could be that way for each other.”

  Samuel laced their fingers together and started walking down the track again. “Sure. I’m positive enough to believe bad luck can’t strike us twice in one day, in one place.”

  Chris laughed humorlessly. “Then you haven’t hung around me long enough.”

  “Come on. It’s not that bad.” Samuel smiled at him, and they continued to wander around different paths and found little hidden gardens with birdbaths and even a small-sized waterfall in one spot.

  “I’m glad you brought me here,” Chris said, leaning against Samuel’s shoulder. “Like everything else about New Zealand, this place is beautiful. And quiet. I enjoy being here with you.”

  “I like having you here.”

  Chris knew this wasn’t the time or the place to ask what he wanted to know, but he did know he needed to see what Samuel would want from him. “When I’m back in Manhattan, and things aren’t going great, do you want me to call you when I get my kit out? Or would you rather not know?” It sucked talking about something he wasn’t proud of but tried to normalize anyway, and it hurt to know that, as good as things were right then, they wouldn’t be staying that way, especially not when he was back home.

  “I’d prefer you not do it at all, but if you are going to, call me,” Samuel said gravely.

  Chris nodded. “Thanks.” In a way, it was nice to know that Samuel would be with him. He was always alone when he did it, and it had always been such a source of shame for him. Samuel might not have wanted him to cut himself, but Chris felt better knowing that he’d be safe while he did what he had to do. Because Samuel would be there with him. He turned his head to give Samuel’s shoulder a light kiss.

  He felt Samuel’s lips touch the top of his head, and the gentle kindness made his heart ache. “Let’s go eat something, hey?” Samuel suggested.

  “Yeah, I’m starving.” Chris followed him as he walked ahead. “Where do you want to go?”

  “Let’s eat here.”

  Samuel led the way, and when they ordered, Chris stopped him before he could pull out his money.

  “I’m buying us lunch. You’re the one driving me around here,” Chris said. And if they were together, this would have been their first date. He was glad Samuel didn’t argue with him about who would be paying.

  They talked comfortably about everyday stuff as they ate, and Chris wished it could always be this way. When would he accept the fact that Samuel would never be his?

  Chapter Eight

  SAMUEL DROVE back to the hotel in amicable silence. Chris appeared deep in thought, and Samuel had noticed him to be that way sometime during their lunch. He hated it when people prodded him for information when he wanted to be left alone, so he granted Chris the same privacy. Knowing Chris, he would talk if and when he wanted to.

  “I’m glad we got to hang out so much during my trip,” Chris quietly said.

  “Me too, because I like spending time with you,” Samuel admitted.

  Chris gave him a small smile, but he still seemed distracted by something. “I head back to Manhattan tomorrow. When should I pick up my kit?”

  “What? Tomorrow already? You just got here!” Samuel exclaimed.

  “You thought I was moving here?” Chris replied, smirking at him.

  But now seeing the mask was easy, and Samuel knew he didn’t mean the sarcasm.

  “Especially since you won’t put out?”

  “I’m serious, Chris. I really don’t want you to go back. Not yet. Why don’t you stay a bit longer? You need the rest.” Samuel tried to reason with him.

  “I need to work. I have clients. They have divorces, secret babies, and mistresses to please. I won’t be gone forever. You’ll see me at Christmas and stuff. Assuming Bran is still speaking to me after he finds out.” Chris shrugged, but he looked incredibly sad.

  “Work can wait. You need time to recover and get much-needed sleep. Why don’t you consider coming clean with Bran? I’m sure he’d love to hang out with you too, and I know he’ll definitely lift up your spirit.”

  Chris pressed his lips into a hard line. “I’ll consider it. But I’m still leaving tomorrow night. So… about my kit?”

  Samuel frowned. He hated the bloody kit and wished he could melt it and make a bloody innocent-looking trinket out of it. “I’d love to keep it, but it’s yours until you no longer need it.”

  “I’ll need it within the next few days, probably.” Chris drummed his fingers over his knee.

  “Why in hell are you going back to that place if you know this in advance?” Samuel growled in frustration.

  Chris gave him a sideways glance before focusing back on the road. “Because I live there. This is my hotel up here on the right. In case you forgot since this morning.”

  Samuel sighed and pulled into the parking lot of the hotel before switching the engine off. He didn’t want to look at Chris, because he was on the verge of begging him not to go back to Manhattan, but he knew it wouldn’t make a difference.

  The ringtone of his phone sounded harsh in the silence between them, and he pulled it out of his pocket to look at the screen. “Shit! We’ve got trouble.”

  Chris looked over at him, surprise clear in his expression.

  Pressing the speakerphone button, he answered it. “Hey, Kaden.”

  Chris closed his eyes and banged his head on the headrest.

  “What the hell are you doing, Samuel?” Kaden’s voice barked over the line.

  “It’s complicated.” Samuel looked at Chris in concern.

  “Yeah, that’s what they all say. What a
re you and Chris thinking, doing this to Bran? Do you have any idea what will happen if he finds out Chris is here in New Zealand and hasn’t bothered to tell him? You two better have a bloody good reason for the lies.” Kaden was clearly furious.

  “This doesn’t exactly have anything to do with you, Kaden. Try minding your own business,” Chris snapped angrily.

  “Oh, come off your damn high horse, Chris. This has plenty to do with Bran, and his well-being is my fucking business, and this time it involves you.”

  Chris had never heard Kaden speak like that before.

  Chris looked over at Samuel. “What the hell is with you Kiwis and your damn protective streaks?” He shook his head and turned back to the phone. “Why does it matter to you if I want to have sex with Samuel? I’m in town for a hookup. That’s it. Not your business, like I said. Unless you two suddenly became swingers.”

  Kaden snorted in disgust. “That’s a damn long way to come for a fuck, Chris. Don’t bullshit me. I’m not a child.”

  “You couldn’t handle the truth,” Chris practically growled at him.

  “You don’t know what I can handle, so just spit it out! What the hell is going on? Thank fuck Kylie got me when Bran wasn’t around, because you’d be in shit up to your eyeballs this second if he overheard that conversation. Not many people look like you… Eddie!” Kaden replied angrily.

  Chris snorted and turned in his seat to look at Samuel. “I’m going to take that to mean I have a unique look. That’s kind of sexy. So, Samuel, should I tell him my dirty little secret?”

  Samuel was at once relieved the deceit was over but also upset on Chris’s behalf. “It’s yours to tell. Not mine.”

  “True. But I think Kaden’s being a pissy bitch enough about it to bother us until he gets the truth. And personally, I love your truck and all, but I’d rather have you in bed.” With a sigh Chris looked back at Samuel’s phone. “I had a self-destructive episode and needed some safety. That’s all you’re getting out of me, asshole. And if you tell Bran that, I will personally gut you. Also! Don’t you blame Samuel for me not telling Bran I’m here. I’m blackmailing him. I’m doing the same thing to Trent too, if it matters. Oh yes, if Daniel counts, him too.”

  Kaden hissed. “What the fuck, Chris? Bran is going to kill you with his bare hands. You needed help, you were in trouble, and you didn’t let him know, but everyone else and their mates know about it. Are you insane?”

  “Do you even remember Montana? About how your little love fest got so fucking off track because of me? And you expected me to do that again? Fuck you, but no. I love him too much for that. He doesn’t get to know about this. I’m fine now. I’m going back tomorrow. And you will keep your mouth shut.” Chris shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “Turn it off. I don’t want to hear him anymore.”

  “Don’t you dare threaten me, you cow! You two have twenty-four hours before I spill the beans to Bran. He needs to know about this, and I’m not standing by while you fuck with him. You’re on your own.”

  “I’ll be gone within twenty-four hours! And moo!”

  When Chris stopped speaking, Samuel held the phone sideways so Chris could see Kaden had ended the call on them.

  “How rude!”

  Samuel sighed and shook his head. “I’ve never heard him swear so much in one day since… forever, actually. He is royally pissed.”

  Nodding, Chris pulled his knees up to his chest. “Yeah. I got that. Sorry you’re going to have to deal with him on your own.”

  “Once he knows the truth, he will understand. Eventually. Hopefully.” Samuel didn’t really know what would happen, but he thought Kaden would get over it.

  Chris shook his head. “I’m sorry. Again. Fuck. Even more proof I really shouldn’t have come here. Should we go up? Or are you just dropping me off?”

  “Let’s go up and have something soothing to drink. What do you say?” Samuel let Chris decide what he wanted to do. He didn’t want to push right now.

  “Tea for me. Or water. I don’t really drink anymore.” Chris turned around and got out of the truck.

  Samuel opened his door too. “I really need a shot of brandy after that, but a cup of tea would do.”

  “You don’t have to not drink just because I’m not,” Chris said, coming around to the front of the truck to meet him.

  “I’m not, believe me. I don’t like drinking before four in the afternoon,” Samuel assured him as he locked the truck, and they walked into the hotel lobby, heading to the elevator.

  Chris gave him a small smile as they entered the elevator. “I don’t like drinking without Bran there to stop me from making stupid decisions. Seems even without the alcohol, I manage to fuck things up just fine all on my own, though.”

  Samuel touched Chris’s lower back, giving it a soft rub. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Life hasn’t been easy for you, and you found ways to cope. I may not approve of your ways, but for you, it worked. At least you’re managing.”

  “It’s better than random sex to block out the pain. Less dangerous too, I think,” Chris admitted, his voice low as they exited the elevator on his floor. “And thanks for saying that. I wish I didn’t need it, that I could be perfectly happy like you are. But, bonus for me, at least I’m not suicidal.”

  Samuel smiled despite the serious nature of their discussion. “There is that. We all have our issues as a result of life’s knocks, Chris. One of mine is that I’m not too generous with my affections, as you’ve probably noticed. I also have shit to work out.”

  Chris shook his head. “I’m too easy and you’re too hard to get. Would be fun if I could handle being just your friend.”

  He opened the door to his room, and on cue, Samuel’s phone started ringing.

  “Oh, fuck me twice! It’s Bran, Chris. What now?” Samuel groaned as he kicked the door shut behind them.

  Chris looked petrified as he stared at Samuel’s phone in horror. When he didn’t answer Samuel, Samuel just put the call on speaker and braced himself for the shit storm.

  “Hey, Bran! How’s it going?”

  “Don’t you ‘how’s it going’ me, Samuel. How could you?” Bran’s yell boomed over the phone.

  Samuel saw the nonspecific question as a possible cop-out, so he used it. “Uuuum, how could I do what, exactly?”

  “Don’t play the idiot with me! We both know you’re too smart for that. What the hell are you doing messing around on Chris with this… Eddie?” Bran managed to make the fake name sound like a curse.

  Samuel looked at Chris, and despite the terror in his eyes, Chris smiled at his friend’s tirade. Probably because he was so happy to hear his voice, Samuel guessed. Too bad he was taking the brunt of Bran’s anger, or he would’ve found it damn funny too.

  “Oh, him?” Samuel muttered.

  “Yes, him! Stop stalling and tell me the truth. I thought you cared for Chris and you were waiting for him to visit here to see if things could work between you two. Have you just given up now? Is it somehow not worth your time anymore?”

  Despite Bran’s anger, Samuel could hear the underlying concern for Chris in his words.

  “Bran, calm down. Eddie is just a friend, okay?” Samuel tried to soothe the man’s ruffled feathers.

  “The fuck he is!” Bran yelled back. “Kylie apparently saw him stick his finger in your mouth! That’s not something a friend would do, or if it was, it’s not something you would allow a friend to do!”

  “Uhh.” While Samuel tried to come up with something to say, Chris took out his phone and started typing.

  Tell him not to worry. Everything will be explained tomorrow, Chris had written.

  Samuel frowned. “Bran, everything will be explained to you tomorrow,” he tried.

  “The hell it will! What are you doing?” Bran demanded.

  Samuel looked to Chris for help, as he had no idea what to say to Bran, and Chris, as his best friend, should have been able to help more. But Chris just smiled at him, and as Samu
el watched, his smile turned wicked. Tell him you have to go, Chris typed on his phone, then held it up for Samuel to see.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow. I need to go,” Samuel tried, hoping Bran would let him hang up.

  Bran huffed angrily. “I’m not done with you yet.”

  Chris gave no warning before he reached forward and cupped Samuel through his pants, making him jump. He kept squeezing, making anything Samuel had wanted to say impossible. Chris winked at him before taking Samuel’s phone out of his hand and hanging up on Bran. Only then did he step back, releasing him, and Samuel took a breath.

  “What was that?” Samuel demanded as heat flared over his skin.

  Chris laughed. “I know him when he gets like that. You weren’t going to be able to hang up on him.” Samuel’s phone started ringing in Chris’s hand, but he ignored the call. “Bran again.”

  He tossed the phone onto the couch, quickly followed by his shirt as he stripped it off, giving Samuel a good view of his back, followed by his chest and the tattoo Samuel still couldn’t believe Chris had gotten. It was stunning over his tanned skin, tempting Samuel to touch him.

  Chris bounced on the balls of his feet as if he was nervous before kicking off his sneakers. “So… I’m seeing Bran tomorrow. My flight leaves at 10:00 pm. I’ll need two hours to get through the airport, add another hour for travel. I’ll need to stop by your house, and I’ll need some time to actually talk to him. But I have to go to the store first to get him something to make him a little happier so he doesn’t kill me. I’ll plan on two, then. Is he normally free around then?”

  Samuel didn’t keep track of him and definitely didn’t know Bran’s schedule by heart. “If he’s not, then he won’t be too far away.”

  “Are you available to be there?” Chris asked him, sounding unsure of himself.

  Samuel nodded, then went to him. He gave Chris a gentle hug. “I can be. If you want.”

  Chris nodded against his chest and rested his hands on the back of Samuel’s shirt before tucking his thumbs into the top of Samuel’s pants, right through the belt loops. The intimacy felt good to him, warming him from his core.