“I came home early last night to talk to you, Evan. To sort this shit out, to get past it. And yet, we chose to avoid that route. Talking.”
“You didn’t want to talk. You sent that message, you put it out there…”
“You saw what you wanted to see. I never said I didn’t want to talk, I said I was tired.”
“And I’m supposed to, what? Know what the fuck that means?”
I lean back against the window and put down my tea, sliding my hands into the pockets of my denim shorts as I turn my head slightly to look back outside.
“I’m not a fucking mind reader, Lola. I don’t know what the fuck you want me to do unless you tell me, honey, and I’m really not in the mood for games.”
I look at him, my eyes locking with his. “Neither am I.”
“Then let’s talk.”
I say nothing for a second or two, I need to get my head straight. Lack of sleep is making me feel slightly woozy, like I’m not really here, and I have no idea how I’m going to get through the day at work unless I pull myself together and snap out of this.
“I should just forget about it, right? I should just ignore everything your mother said, everything I felt over there in L.A., everything I heard, I should just put it behind me.”
“Yes, Lola, you should.”
“And I was all set to do that. Last night. Jess and Kat, they told me to grow up, haul myself out of this well of self-pity I seem to have fallen into; they told me to go home, and talk to you. To sort it out, to get past it, because you love me.”
“I do love you, you know I do.”
“They said that should be enough. That you loving me should be enough, to get through whatever the hell this is.”
“And they’re right.”
“Maybe they would’ve been. If I hadn’t come home to find you and Heath discussing a retrospective pre-nup…”
“You were there, Lola, okay? You were there, you heard what was going on, you heard me tell him I wasn’t doing this so don’t make out that I had the pen in my fucking hand all ready to make you sign that thing.”
“I read it, Evan.” I reach out and pick up the papers from the sideboard next to me, and I hand them to him. “I know how much you stand to lose, if I don’t sign this.”
“And if you sign it, Lola, then I lose you.”
“Did you consider it? Hmm? Did the idea of this resonate even for just the briefest of seconds?”
“Don’t do this, Lola. Please.”
“Did it? Did you think, even for a fraction of a heartbeat, that you may be able to make this happen?”
“No, Jesus, come on…”
“She even brought kids into it, Evan. If we have kids she’ll put provisos on what they’d be entitled to…”
“I’m not gonna let that happen, baby, I promise you. If we have kids…”
“We won’t. Have kids.”
He frowns, and the confusion is back on his face. “We – Lola, come on, we haven’t even talked about any of this, about starting a family.”
“You want kids?”
“How the hell did we get to this, huh? Jesus, you don’t know what the fuck I want…”
“Exactly. And that’s the problem, Evan. All of this, it was too soon. We rushed into something as important as marriage because, when all is said and done, we just couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We rushed into something because…”
“Because we loved each other. And I don’t know what the hell you’re doing or what you want to achieve here, Lola, but don’t try and say we didn’t know what we were doing. You made the biggest decision of your life walking away from Mike to marry me and you didn’t make that decision purely because I’m a great fuck. You didn’t. You didn’t fucking do that.”
“We should’ve waited. We should’ve taken our time…”
I let that sentence trail off because I’m really just thinking out loud now. But what I’m saying, it’s still the truth.
“You’re really gonna let what happened in L.A. do this to us?”
“We can pretend it never happened, Evan, but in reality all it did was make us realize a truth we’ve been too scared to admit to ourselves.”
“What kind of truth? Jesus, Lola, I don’t know what the hell’s going on here…”
“I’m working for Heath, from today.”
“What? Have I fucking missed something here? Hang on… Does he have anything to do with this?”
“No. It wasn’t his decision. But he needs a secretary, and he needs a good one, someone who can help him settle into Cavendish King quickly. And as far as I’m concerned I’m the best secretary there. I’ve organized someone to cover for me until I can find you a permanent replacement.”
“I don’t fucking believe this. Are you out of your goddamn mind? I mean, where the hell has this come from? Last night, when we went to bed…”
“Everything was okay?”
He drops his head and the sigh he gives is tinged with frustration. Maybe even a little resignation.
“It wasn’t okay, Evan.”
“I don’t know why you’re doing this, Lola.”
“Don’t you?”
“Come here.”
I don’t do anything, I can’t move, so I just stay where I am.
“I don’t want this, baby.”
“And you think I do?”
He moves a little closer, and I don’t stop him. When he slides a hand on to my hip and leans in to me, his lips lightly brushing the side of my neck, I let him. I let his fingers slide between mine, close my eyes as he kisses me, but it changes nothing.
“I saw the way you were with your mother, Evan.”
He pulls back slightly, and he looks at me, his eyes dark and questioning. And he says nothing, he just waits for me to expand on that.
“Did you marry me as a way of rebelling against her?”
He steps back, and he continues to stare at me, the corner of his mouth twisting up into a confused smirk. He’s not sure what I’m doing here, and neither am I. I’m just saying words, voicing my thoughts, irrational and otherwise. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m not saying you did it deliberately. Maybe you didn’t even know you were doing it at all, I just wonder if, deep down, marrying me was a way of showing your mother…”
“Hey, enough, okay? This is crazy. I didn’t marry you to rebel against anyone, how old do you think I am? Jesus, I’m not some mixed-up adolescent. You think I married you to make some kind of point?”
“I don’t know, Evan. I really don’t know.”
He moves closer again, and I breathe in deep as I feel him touch my cheek, his fingers lightly grazing my skin.
“I married you because I love you. Because I can’t live without you, I don’t want to, live without you.”
I love him, too. I do. But I feel like we’re already broken, like we fell into this way too soon and I don’t know if we’re strong enough to fix us.
He leans in a little closer, his breath warming my neck and I breathe in again, biting down on my lip as he gently pushes back my head, rests his mouth against the base of my throat, his hand sliding up my T-shirt until it reaches my inner thigh. And I gasp as he touches me, my core tightening as he presses a little harder, delves a little deeper. I want him, so bad I can barely breathe, and that’s when the reality that neither of us are willing to face up to hits me like a speeding truck. And I push him away, I fold my arms across my chest and I drop my gaze.
“Lola?”
I slowly look up, and his expression is still bordering on confused. “It’s happening again, Evan.”
“What is? What’s happening? Lola, please, baby, help me out here.”
“We try to talk, until someone says something one of us doesn’t want to hear and then we go back to this. To sex. You touch me and I give in, it’s that bad.”
“How the hell can that be bad?”
“Because we aren’t dealing with the real shit, that’s how. We
’re pushing it aside, burying it away and hoping it’ll be forgotten about. But how does that solve anything?”
“We can work this out, Lola, don’t let it become a problem…”
“It was too soon, Evan.”
He frowns, and it breaks my heart but I already think I know what I have to do. I don’t fit into his life; this life, not really. He might think I do, he might assume that I’m coping, and I thought I was. I thought I could. But I don’t really know him. He doesn’t really know me.
“No, Lola, it wasn’t too soon.”
“We both need some space.”
“No, Jesus, no! We don’t. We don’t. Where the hell is this coming from? A few days ago we were happy, our life was freakin’ perfect, and now you’re talking about needing space?”
I turn my head to look out of the window again. It’s daylight now. The sun is up, there are people out and about in Central Park, running, walking their dogs, getting ready for a brand new day. I’m getting ready for one of those myself.
“Lola? Look at me, come on. Look at me.”
I look at him. And I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore, other than scared, of what this is; what this was. Of what we’re supposed to do next.
“I think I… I think I should move out. Just for a little while. I think we… we both need some time…”
“To do what, huh? To dwell on this shit? To miss each other? To what, Lola?”
“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Evan. I love you, I really do, I love you, I just don’t think I can do this anymore. It isn’t me.”
“Look, you’re just acting all crazy because of what my…”
“No, Evan, it’s gone past that now. I mean – maybe she… maybe she started something, you know? Some feeling deep inside I never even knew was there, I just… I need some time. Because we can’t carry on like this.”
“I don’t understand any of this, Lola.”
“I’ve already arranged to go stay with Jess…”
“Jesus Christ…”
“Like I said, I couldn’t sleep.” I start to move away, but he grabs my wrist and he stops me, and I look at him. My handsome husband. And I’m just walking away? “I should go get ready for work. There’s a lot to do today.”
“You’re seriously gonna work for Heath?”
“He needs me, Evan.”
“I need you.”
I stand up on tip toes and I kiss him gently, and he slides a hand into the small of my back and presses me against him, his mouth moving softly on mine.
“I need you, Lola.”
“No you don’t,” I whisper, and my mouth’s still touching his, his hand’s still there in the small of my back. And I feel my heart start to race and my skin break out in goose bumps, I want him. I want to feel him inside me, take him deep; feel him come as he touches me. “You don’t need me. You need this.”
I reach down and unzip him, and I take him in my hand, all the time my eyes staying locked on his. Even as I wriggle out of my panties and lean back against the window; as he pushes into me and my legs wrap around him, neither of us breaks that stare. It’s crazy, it’s like my heart’s trying to beat out of my chest, but it’s also the most intense thing I’ve ever experienced because neither of us is willing to look away or close our eyes.
I bite down on my lip as he thrusts a little harder, as he rests his hand at the base of my spine and angles my body ever so slightly, so he falls deeper into me, and it’s all I can do not to cry out loud, but we don’t want to wake Heath. So we stay silent, and as he pushes even deeper inside me I throw my arms up above my head and arch my back, and he lets a hand slide up under my T-shirt, lets it fall onto my breast, his palm pressing against my nipple, moving in a slow, circular motion as his cock pounds gently into me; until I start to feel myself falling, feel every nerve-ending start to tingle. And when the climax hits it hits us both, a beautiful explosion, a warm wave of pure and utter pleasure sweeping over us and still neither one of us breaks that stare. Our eyes remain locked as we both come, and when we’re done he pushes my head down and he kisses me; a slow, lingering kiss that reaches into my very soul, and I take it, I take him. Before I have to let him go.
Eighteen
Evan
I don’t know what the fuck’s happening, I just know I’m pissed. I’m angry at Christ knows how many people, my head’s all over the fucking place, and when I look outside she isn’t there. Someone else is sitting in her chair. Someone else is organizing my day, dealing with my shit, but it should be her. It should be my wife out there, it should be Lola. But instead she’s working for Heath, she’s distancing herself from me, and nobody suspects a thing because she’s telling them exactly what she told me – Heath needs an experienced secretary to help him settle in. And she’s the fucking best there is, she’ll get him there. She’ll bring him up to speed so that Cavendish King can continue to be one of the biggest, most respected law firms in the city. But she should be here.
I get up and walk over to the window, and I look outside. I’m still trying to make sense of everything; work out how the hell we got here, because I’m fucking confused.
“Evan?”
I swing around as I hear someone come into my office, and I frown slightly as Hayden stands there in the doorway. “You need to see me?” I walk around the front of my desk and lean back against it, folding my arms.
“I just need to make sure you’re up to speed with where I am on the Holland case?”
“I don’t need to be up to speed, Hayden. That’s your job. It’s your case, I’m merely an observer. I’m there only to make sure you don’t make any rookie mistakes.”
“I don’t intend to.”
“Good. Then, shouldn’t you be getting back to work?”
She hovers in the doorway for a second or two, then looks quickly behind her before she turns back to face me. “Is Lola not in today?”
“Lola’s working with my brother for a little while.”
“Oh. I see.”
“If you need anything, just ask Joanne, she’ll make sure you get any help you need.”
I turn and walk back behind my desk, but when I look back up she hasn’t read that as a dismissal, which is what it was intended to be. She’s still there, hovering in the doorway, and I narrow my eyes as I watch her move a little further into the room.
“Is there something else, Hayden?”
“You’re essentially my mentor, right?”
I dig my hands into my pockets and I smile slightly. “Well, I wouldn’t say that was my role in the literal sense, but, we’re all here to make sure we get the best out of our associates.”
“I was just wondering, if you have any time free, if you could, maybe, see your way to spending a bit of one-on-one time with me? There are so many questions I want to ask, and you’re one of the most experienced lawyers in New York City, I’d be crazy not to try and gain some of that experience from you.”
I keep my eyes on her, and the fact she can hold my gaze without a flicker tells me this isn’t just her trying to gain from my knowledge of the law. She’s fucking flirting with me. And I’m not responding to that, I don’t respond to that, not anymore.
“I think you’re gonna gain enough just by being here, Hayden.”
I sit down and pick up my phone, and then I look back up at her, hoping that, this time, she’s getting the message.
“I just thought I’d ask. But you’re obviously a very busy man, so, maybe another time, huh?”
I don’t respond to that, either. I’m not doing fucking rain checks. I just drop my gaze in silent dismissal. I don’t need this shit on top of everything else. And as she closes the door behind her I laugh quietly and shake my head because the Evan of old wouldn’t have thought twice about taking a pretty young associate up on her offer. But I’m not the Evan of old. I’m not him anymore. Am I…?
Lola
“Evan’s got to be kind of pissed you’re working for me now, huh?”
I loo
k up as Heath King perches himself on the edge of my desk, clasping his hands together on his lap as he throws me the kind of grin I’m all too familiar with. “Well, he isn’t happy.”
“This is a permanent thing, then? I mean, have I snared you for good now?”
“You haven’t ‘snared’ anything, Heath. I chose to come and work for you while you settled in here at Cavendish King. Whether I stay working for you is another matter.”
I watch his expression change slightly as he looks at me, and it’s impossible not to notice how good-looking he really is with his short, dark-brown hair and piercing green eyes, a light dusting of stubble covering his strong jaw line. A couple of years younger than Evan, there’s a strange similarity between the adoptive brothers, despite them not being blood related. They share the same arrogant air, the same smile; the same way of looking at people when they’re not quite sure of someone.
“You’re really moving out of the apartment, huh?”
I drop my gaze and turn my attention back to my laptop. “That’s none of your business.”
“Well, I think it is, seeing as I feel kind of responsible.”
I look back at him. “This isn’t about you, Heath. Okay? There are a number of reasons why I think Evan and me need some space, and none of them are to do with you.”
He raises an eyebrow, and that actually really irritates me. “You sure? Because, y’know, before our dad died and you came over to L.A.; before I threw that pre-nup-shaped spanner in the works, you guys were okay. Right?”
I stand up and gather a handful of papers from my desk, clutching them against my chest as I make to go. “I’ve got some filing to do.”
He stands up too, and as I pass him he puts a hand gently on my arm, and I stop. And I look up at him.
“Is there something you need me to do before I go?”
Willfully Hers (The Dirty Business Series Book 2) Page 15