“Have you seen him yet?”
I take a sip and my eyes scan the room as she asks that question. “A couple of times.”
“You talked to him?”
I shake my head and drop my gaze, staring down into the glass in my hand, watching as the bubbles rise and fall in rapid succession.
“He’s alone, y’know. I mean, he isn’t just here alone, he’s alone in the sense that he doesn’t have a …”
“Kat, it’s been just weeks since me and Evan broke up so… so don’t go there, please. Okay? Let’s just enjoy your day and – shouldn’t you be with your new husband, anyway? This is your wedding day, and you’re standing here talking to me?”
“Are you gonna be all right?”
“I left my husband, Kat. I’m not ill. And it was my decision, remember? So I’m fine. Now go, go on. Go be with your man.”
She gives my hand one more squeeze, leaves me with a reassuring smile, and heads off to find Eric.
“Did you find it hard not to laugh, too?”
I turn my head and he’s standing there, like he’s never been away. Like he’s never been anywhere, but that’s how it is with him. Maybe that’s why we always end up back here, every time.
“Only because we know what those vows would’ve really said, if so many family members hadn’t been present.”
He leans back against the table beside me and takes a swig of his beer. “Yeah. But that was fun, right?”
He looks at me, and he grins, and I can’t help but smile back. “Yeah. It kind of was.”
He keeps his eyes on me, but he lets a couple of beats go by before he says anything else. “It’s good to see you, Lola.”
“It’s good to see you, too. You’re looking well. Being back in Canada obviously suits you.”
“Things are working out great over there so, yeah…”
He briefly breaks the stare, dropping his gaze, and I look away. I don’t want it to feel awkward, because it doesn’t need to be, not anymore. We’ve moved on, we’re so far past that day I had to choose between him and Evan. The day I chose to take that uncertain path, rather than the one I know would’ve been good and so damn near perfect. The one that didn’t, in the end, work out. But I still don’t regret the decision I made, despite the pain it’s caused. I had to take that risk.
“Listen, Lola, you and Evan…”
“You know we’re not together anymore Mike, so… And I’m fine, all right? It’s done, and I’m fine.”
He takes another swig of beer and raises his gaze, staring out ahead of him. “You still working at Cavendish King?”
“You know the answer to that one, too, you’ve talked to Eric. And Kat. So you know I’m still there.”
He looks at me. “Working for his brother now though, huh?”
“Heath’s proving to be an asset the firm didn’t even know it needed.”
“That good, huh?”
It’s my turn to look away, back down into my champagne glass.
“Do you want to grab some air?”
I slowly look back up, and I smile again. “Yeah. Okay.”
It’s just a small smile I give him, it doesn’t mean anything. But he returns it. And I follow him out onto the huge sprawling terrace of the house Kat and Eric have built together. The whole place is lit up by hundreds of fairy lights, some twinkling, some static, all of them giving the outside space a kind of fairytale feel, which makes me smile again, because Kat is so not your fairytale kind of girl. But today, for her wedding day, she relented. She became a tiny bit princess, for a little while.
We sit down on the steps that lead out into the back yard, where Kat and Eric got married. The archway they stood under as they spoke those self-written vows is still there, still covered by dozens of flowers and twinkling lights that are visible now it’s dark. It’s quite beautiful, and for a few minutes we just sit there in silence, looking out. A comfortable silence. It’s like we’ve just fallen back into that same old groove, it’s what we do. Every time. This is us.
“He was never good enough for you, Lola.”
“We were bad for each other, in the end.”
He pauses, takes a drink, and I turn my head to look at him as he continues to stare straight out ahead.
“I got caught up in it all; got caught up in him, that’s all.” I drop my head and I can’t help the small laugh that escapes. “That’s all. I married the man. I stood there, and I made vows in front of all those people and now I’m sitting here making it sound like no big deal.”
Mike gently nudges my shoulder, and I look back up, and when he smiles at me I smile straight back, it’s that easy.
“Maybe I’m just cursed when it comes to weddings, huh?”
He laughs too, briefly lowering his gaze before his eyes are back on mine. “Or maybe this is just a way of trying to tell you that you married the wrong guy.”
I break the stare and I look down, letting a few beats go by before I say anything. “I love him, Mike. I wish I didn’t, I wish I’d never gone there…” I raise my head and my eyes lock with his. “It was never going to work, not really.”
“Did you give it enough of a chance?”
I frown slightly.
“I mean, so he has money, that was never a secret. He was a rich son-of-a-bitch when you first met him, before you found out his family were shit-hot wealthy. Why should it matter?”
“Didn’t Kat tell you about his mum?”
“That she didn’t think you were good enough for her son? Jesus, Lola, since when has crap like that bothered you?”
“It was too soon, Mike. We rushed into everything, and maybe she was right…”
“Bullshit!” He stands up and walks out onto the lawn, toward the archway. And he stops, just before he reaches it, and he turns around and he faces me. I stand up too, taking a few steps forward. “This isn’t you, Lola. You don’t doubt yourself, you don’t fall into wells of self-pity, you don’t drown in fucked-up shit like this. You don’t do that. Come here.”
I walk over to him, stopping just in front of him.
“Are you seriously throwing your marriage away because you don’t think you’re good enough for him?”
“It’s not that simple. That life, it isn’t mine.”
“I thought it was everything you wanted.”
“So did I. But wanting it and living it are two completely different things, Mike. And Evan and me, we didn’t give it enough time. We should’ve waited, lived together for longer, we should’ve… we should’ve waited.”
“But you didn’t. And now you don’t want that – you don’t want him anymore?”
“Do we really have to do this, Mike? I mean, I haven’t seen you in months, and yet, the minute I do you start lecturing me…”
“I’m not lecturing anyone, Lola. I care about you, okay? That doesn’t stop, that never stopped. It isn’t going to stop. Ever. So, yeah, I’m gonna stand here and I’m gonna try and find out what the hell it is you really want before you do something you might regret.”
“And that’s your place, right? To stand here and question me on my messed up marriage?”
“Have either of you mentioned divorce yet?”
“No.”
“Has it crossed your mind?”
I move so I’m leaning back against the archway, and I fold my arms against myself, keeping my eyes on his. “I’m scared to take that step.”
“Why?”
“Mike, come on…”
“Why are you scared to take that step, Lola? Because you still love him? Because, maybe, you know, deep down, that you’ve got this all wrong?”
“I don’t know. I just know that I can’t be with him right now. It wasn’t working, okay?”
“So walk away.”
I frown again, a deeper one this time. “I have. Walked away.”
“Really? That’s what you’ve done?”
“Why are you doing this?”
He comes a little closer, and he leans right into m
e, and I can smell his cologne, a familiar smell. It’s comforting. “You’re still working in his law firm. You still see him, every day. You live two blocks away from the home you used to share with him, apparently. You’re still a part of his life, Lola, that isn’t walking away.”
I drop my head but he tucks a finger under my chin and he makes me look at him.
“That isn’t walking away.”
I stare up into his eyes, and I feel a hundred different kinds of pain and confusion swamp me, filling my head, knotting my stomach, the realization is overwhelming. It’s like a kick to the gut, unexpected and hard and for a second or two I struggle to catch my breath.
“If you love him, Lola, then for Christ’s sake just go tell him that. Go get him, and live that fucking life because you deserve it as much as anyone. It’s yours. If you want it.”
“And if I don’t?”
“Then walk away. And mean it.”
He backs away, picks up his beer, and I watch as he walks back toward the terrace. I can’t move, not for a second or two, I’m rooted to the spot. I didn’t want to come here and think about any of this, but maybe it was what I needed to do. Maybe I needed to take that step back, look at the situation from afar; listen to the truth.
“Mike?”
He stops and turns around, and I walk over to him.
“Thank you.”
“I just want you to be certain, Lola.”
“History just keeps on repeating itself, huh?”
He smiles slightly, reaching out to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Maybe one day it’ll work out in our favor, huh?” He pulls his hand away, his fingers lightly brushing my cheek as he does so. “When are you going back to New York?”
“In the morning. What about you? When are you heading back to Toronto?”
“A few days. I needed a bit of a break, y’know? I’ve been working a couple of real big cases lately, and it’s been kinda stressful, so, I thought I’d use this wedding as an excuse to take some time off. Kat and Eric are heading to Miami tonight, and they said I can stay here, while they’re on honeymoon, so…” He trails off and turns his head away from me. “We should go back inside. It’s getting cold out here.”
He looks at me, and he smiles, and I return it.
“This helped, Mike. It’s really helped, so, thank you.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I think you know what I’m going to do.”
Our eyes lock and he takes my hand and he squeezes it. And once again I can only hope I’ve made the right decision.
Twenty-Two
Evan
I roll over and groan quietly, my head’s fucking splitting. And as I turn onto my side I hit another body, and I groan again, slamming a hand against my forehead.
I haul myself up onto my elbow, immediately regretting that sudden movement, and I open my eyes and look at who’s sharing my bed. She’s pretty enough, but for the life of me I can’t remember how the hell she got here.
“Want some help with this one?”
I look up, and there’s Heath, leaning back against the doorpost. He’s already dressed, he’s all ready for the office, and I squint slightly as I look at the clock on my nightstand.
“Shit! Is that the time?”
“You picked her up in that last bar we went to.”
“Bar?” I sit up and draw my knees to my chest, resting my elbows on them as I drag my hands back through my hair. “I thought we went out to dinner.”
“Oh, we did that, too. But you weren’t satisfied with just dinner and a couple of beers. You didn’t want to come home early, so, I humored you. To a point. Just to make sure you didn’t do something stupid, really.”
I look back down at my sleeping companion, then up at my brother. “And this isn’t stupid?”
“It’s ridiculous. I left you talking to her, ‘cause it was, like, almost one-thirty, and I’ve got meetings with clients this morning, so someone had to be the grown-up. I came home, and when I woke up and went into the kitchen there were clothes everywhere, yours and hers, so, I assumed you’d brought company back with you.”
“Jesus…” It’s all coming back to me now, and I close my eyes and drop my head as I feel this stranger beside me begin to stir. “Why didn’t you fucking stop me?”
“I wouldn’t have dared try. I’ll go make some fresh coffee.” He throws a pile of clothes onto the floor. “These are yours. And hers. Get your ass in gear, Evan. You need to get to work.” He turns to go, but not before he’s thrown me the kind of disapproving look a mom gives her adolescent son when he’s borrowed the car without asking.
“Fuck’s sake…” I groan, sliding out of bed.
“Hey. Where you going?”
I turn to look at this woman I brought home, fucked, then allowed to share my bed. Nobody’s stayed the night in that bed, in any bed of mine, in years. Nobody, except Lola. And the fact this woman here is lying in her place makes me feel sick and angry and I just want her gone. And then I remember that Lola isn’t here. She isn’t here, she doesn’t want me. So, you know, what the hell.
“I need to get to work, sweetheart. So you need to go.”
I watch as she stretches out, kicking the covers off to reveal her long, lithe body and I can’t help but react to that, can I? I’m not made of fucking stone. I mean, she’s not Lola, but she’s here, and she’s naked, and she’s in my bed. And, from what I can remember, the sex last night, this morning, whatever – it was pretty good. Maybe it was great, I just haven’t got total recall on that yet.
“Evan! Come on, man, we’re gonna be late!”
Heath’s voice kind of ruins the moment, and I look at – Jesus. I don’t even know her fucking name. Or I don’t remember it. I probably didn’t even ask, I mean, if I’m reverting back to old Evan then that’s what I used to do. No names. No ties. No commitment. It was better off that way. No pain, no hurt, no ache in the gut that kicks you down when you least expect it. It was better, then.
“Who’s that?”
“My brother.”
She pulls her legs up slightly and opens them, just a touch, but the moment’s kind of gone now.
“Brother, huh? Maybe he’d like to join us.”
I pick up her dress and throw it at her, I’m done now. Fuck them, and make them leave. That’s the way it’s going to be from now on. If the old Evan’s coming back, he’s coming right back. “You need to go. Now.”
“Okay, Jesus, you weren’t this much of a jerk last night.”
Last night I was fuelled by bourbon and beer and I had the world at my fucking feet. This morning, reality’s slowly creeping back in.
“It was nice, all right? But we both know this was all it was.”
She stands up and pulls her dress on over her head, sitting back down to slip on her shoes. “Yeah. I guess we do.” She stands up and rakes her fingers through her dark curls as she walks over to me, cups my cheek, and kisses me gently. “You know where to find me, if you need me again,” she whispers, and then she smiles, pulls away, and I watch as she sashays out of my bedroom, and out of my life. And I breathe a heavy sigh of relief.
I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror, wincing slightly as I see my reflection staring back at me. I haven’t shaved in weeks, I’ve got a beard now. My eyes are slightly bloodshot, my hair’s all over the fucking place, I look like shit. But I don’t have time for any full-on grooming, and besides, I’m kind of liking the beard, so I just grab a quick shower, tidy up my hair as best I can, and get dressed. I pull on the suit, fasten the tie, and in just a few minutes I’m almost presentable. I just need coffee to complete that final step.
“Here.”
Heath hands me a mug of coffee as I join him in the kitchen, and I take a welcome sip. “Thanks.”
“Was it worth it?”
I look at him, and I frown slightly. “What?”
“That. Whatever it was. A one-night-stand, a rebound fuck; was it worth it? Does it make you feel any b
etter? Because, y’know, technically, you’ve kind of cheated on your wife.”
I take another sip of coffee and look out of the window. It’s bright and sunny but the daylight’s making my eyes hurt, and I look away. “You know where she was yesterday?”
“Who? Lola? She was at her best friend’s wedding, wasn’t she?”
“And you know who else would’ve been there?”
Heath doesn’t say anything, and I look at him.
“I told you about Mike, right?”
“Yeah. You told me about Mike.”
“Her best friend was marrying his brother. So, he would’ve been there. Yesterday.”
“And you dealt with that by, what? Going out, getting wasted, and picking up some random woman in a bar? How old are you, Evan? What did you think was gonna happen, huh? What did you think Lola was gonna do? Did you – did you think she was gonna go there, meet her ex for the first time in months and, what? What did you think she was gonna do?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, all right?”
“Did you think she was gonna sleep with him?”
“I said, I don’t know. I don’t… I just – she sees him, and things change, Heath. Things get complicated.”
“Because they’re not complicated enough already, right?”
“I’m going to work. Is the car outside?”
“Hang on…”
“We’re gonna be late.”
“We own the fucking firm, we’re allowed to be late.”
I lean back against the counter and drain the last of my coffee.
“And if she did sleep with him? What then, huh? What are you gonna do, Evan? I mean, you can hardly claim she was doing anything wrong when you spent last night with a fucking stranger.”
“Yeah, thanks for that.”
“You’re walking a dangerous line here, Evan. I’m watching you press that self-destruct button time and time again and it’s wrong. Pull it back, bro.”
“I intend to. Don’t worry.”
I look at my brother, and he smiles at me, and I feel guilty for putting him through this shit, but I kind of need him around. Because without him Cavendish King would be run into the ground? I’m not sure I’d let it get to that stage, but at least having Heath here means I have some time to get my head straight. To move on, in my own way. In my own time. I need to get back to me, that’s all. To who I was before.
Willfully Hers (The Dirty Business Series Book 2) Page 18