“Sounds perfect.”
I chuckle quietly and briefly drop my gaze again. “Well, it was anything but perfect…”
“Look, Lola, I don’t want to pry because, if you wanted me to know anything you’d tell me. But you’ve told me enough for me to know that you’ve come back to England because a relationship broke up.”
“I was married, Jed. For a few months. I was… I was married.”
He looks surprised, of course he does. My marriage to Evan wasn’t something I advertised all that much, I was too busy concentrating on Evan. Too busy loving Evan.
“Married? Jesus, Lola, I didn’t know.”
I shrug and take another sip of wine. “I didn’t tell all that many people. And that wasn’t because I didn’t want anyone to know, it was just that, it all happened pretty quickly and I guess I got caught up in this bubble and…” I trail off and drop my gaze again. “It all happened too quickly, in reality.”
“It must be tough. I mean, I don’t know what went on, but, it seems like it hasn’t been the easiest of break-ups?”
I look at him, and the smile I give him this time is a little weaker. I’m straying into territory I don’t want to enter now. I don’t want to talk about Evan or my marriage, not with Jed. Not with anyone. The next time I talk about this it needs to be with Evan. The next time I talk about this it will be with Evan. We’ll be talking about our divorce.
“It wasn’t.”
That’s all I say. Anything more is inviting a conversation, and I don’t want one of those. And Jed gets that.
“I’m sorry. End of subject, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I smile, and he reaches out and takes my hand and he gives it a squeeze.
“You really okay? Only, coming back here…”
“I got through it, Jed. Eventually. In my own way, and it might not have been the best way or even the right way, but I got through it. And leaving here, and going to New York, that was the best thing I could have done.”
“You still think about Frankie a lot, huh?”
“Every day.”
“Yeah. Yeah, me too.”
My eyes meet his again, and the message that’s passing between us now may be silent, but we both get it. Loud and clear. What happened, it’ll be with us, constantly, we both know that. The connection we have, it never really got severed, but I don’t think either of us really wants to relive it all again. It’s still too painful, even after all these years.
“Anyway, come on. Tell me about your impending wedding.”
I change the subject, because I think that needs to happen.
“You really want to talk about that?”
“You don’t?”
“Lola, I’m a bloke. I play rugby, I watch sport, I don’t do wedding plans.”
“You don’t know what the hell’s going on, right?”
“And I have every intention of it staying that way. Wake me up on the morning of the wedding, get me to the church, and once I hit that reception marquee I’ll be one happy man. I don’t need to be involved in seating plans and flower arrangements and what color bouquets the bridesmaids are going to carry.”
“You don’t care.”
“I don’t care.”
He grins, and I can’t help laughing. The mood’s lightening, and that’s good. “Except, you do, really.”
“Yeah, okay, a little bit. About this much.”
He indicates a very small amount using his thumb and forefinger, and I laugh again. I really did think coming back to Manchester would be harder than this, but seeing Jed, talking about the past, it’s putting everything into perspective.
Things will get better. They will get easier. The pain of losing Evan is subsiding and I don’t wake up every morning wondering if I’ve done the right thing, because I used to do that. But now – now I wake up and I know I had no other choice.
I didn’t really know Evan King.
Evan King never really knew me.
Because I never did tell him everything…
Evan
“What’ve you done to Hayden?” Heath asks as he places a pile of papers down on my desk.
I look up at him. “Why would I have done anything to Hayden? And what are those?”
“Have a look through them and let me know if you want to take it on.”
“You’re giving me cases now?”
“I’m asking if you want it, because it’s a big one and there are about twenty other lawyers in this building clamoring to get their hands on it. And I have every right to assume you’ve upset Hayden. She’s your associate.”
“I’m not in the habit of upsetting my associates, Heath.” I stand up and pick up the pile of papers he left on my desk, flicking through them quickly, but slowly enough for me to get the gist of the case. “Someone else can take this.” I hand the papers back to him, and he looks at me with an almost incredulous expression.
“Are you kidding me?”
“I’m also not in the habit of making jokes. I’m not taking on anything too big right now, that’s all.”
“Come on, Evan, I thought we’d turned a corner here. I thought you were back on your game, I thought I could stop worrying about you.”
I look at him, and I narrow my eyes slightly. “I didn’t ask you to worry about me, Heath. I’m not a child.”
“Then stop fucking acting like one. Did you touch her?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Hayden. Did you touch her?”
I laugh, I can’t help it. “I’m not sure that’s any of your business.”
He leans forward, placing his hands palm-down on my desk, and his eyes – he isn’t happy. That makes two of us. “It’s plenty my business, Evan, when you’re playing games with this firm.”
“My firm.”
“Our firm. Did you touch her?”
“Jesus, Heath, she’s been flirting with me since the day she walked in here. If I’d given her the signal she’d have dropped her panties in a fucking heartbeat.”
“And did you? Give her a signal?”
I don’t say anything, I’m not having this conversation.
“For Christ’s sake, Evan…” He drags a hand back through his hair and sighs heavily. “How far did it get?”
“It didn’t. I couldn’t go through with it.”
“How far, Evan?”
“What the hell is this, huh? She had her dress up around her waist, I had a hand on her ass, I kissed her. Is this what you really want to hear?”
“You fucking with me?”
“That’s how far it got, Heath. But I didn’t sleep with her. I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t do it.”
“But you let her think you wanted it.”
I drop my gaze and dig my hands into my pockets. Nothing sounds like too much of a mess, until you hear it being laid out there, and then you realize it’s a much bigger mess than you ever thought it could be.
“She said she was gonna tell her dad, that I’ve been pursuing her… begging her for sex…”
“Jesus fucking Christ…”
He sits down on the arm of the couch and clasps his hands together, and the expression on his face as he looks at me is one of disappointment mixed with a mild anger. But I’m ceasing to care. I thought I really was moving on, but since Lola left me; since she left New York I’ve felt worse, not better. Knowing she’s so far away has messed with my head way more than I ever thought it could, because she’s so far out of reach. And that shouldn’t matter, I didn’t want her anymore. I don’t want her, anymore. I don’t.
“And you called her bluff, huh?”
“I’m not having some twenty-something first year associate blackmail me, Heath.”
“So, you’d rather she slandered you instead? Her father’s the fucking District Attorney, Evan.”
“I’m aware of that, thank you.”
“Have you any idea what it could do to this firm, if she tells him what she’s threatened to tell him?”
“I’m aware of that, too. Look, what
did you want me to do, Heath? She wanted me to fuck her, she told me that. She told me that all I had to do was fuck her, and everything would be fine…”
“But, y’know, that’s what you do now, isn’t it? What you did before? What I assumed you were going back to? Fuck them and leave them, my brother’s way of dealing with shit the grown-up way.”
“Get the fuck out of my office, Heath.”
He stands up and comes over to me, and his expression is much harder now, that anger’s taking over. “Grow up, Evan. Sort your shit out, forget Lola, and fucking move on, because I am getting real tired of this crap now. And soon I’m not gonna be the only one.”
He turns and leaves, and I lean back against the window ledge, close my eyes, and breathe in deep. That pain across my chest is coming back, that aching tightness that feels like someone’s grabbing my heart and squeezing it tight. It’s coming back, and I take another deep breath before I go over to the sideboard and pour myself a drink.
“Evan?”
I keep my back to her, I’m really not in the mood for this. For her. For any of it.
“I’m sorry. For what I said the other day.”
I take a sip of whiskey and slowly turn around. “Close the door.”
She steps inside and pushes the door shut.
“What do you want, Hayden?”
“To apologize. I was angry. My pride was hurt, because I… It felt like you were rejecting me.”
“It should never have got as far as it did. And a lot of that was my fault. I should have shut it all down a lot sooner.” I walk back over to the window and look outside. “But I thought it would distract me. I thought you would distract me, and what I did – it was wrong. It was inappropriate…”
“I was as much to blame, Evan.”
I turn back around and look at her.
“You gave me enough signals, in the beginning, to let me know that you didn’t really want the attention I was giving you. But then, what happened a couple of days ago…”
“That was my fault. And again, I’m sorry. I took it too far, because I can’t deal with my own shit, and that should never have involved you, Hayden.”
“I was willing to sleep with you, Evan, even though I knew, deep down, that you didn’t really want it. Well, you didn’t really want me. Your heart wasn’t completely in it, I just hoped that…” She stops talking and bows her head for a couple of beats before she looks back up, her eyes locking on mine. “I haven’t exactly made a secret of the fact I wanted you – wanted to sleep with you. And I just thought that I’d be enough to make you forget…”
She stops talking again, and that’s because she was about to mention Lola’s name, and she knows how I feel about her bringing Lola into this. Even if this has everything to do with Lola.
“I should have had more respect for myself, huh?”
“I should have had more respect for you, Hayden.”
“Cam we just forget about it? Please? Forget it ever happened?”
“I take it you haven’t told your dad?”
She shakes her head, and she looks almost embarrassed, but this really isn’t all on her. It’s mainly on me. I’ve been acting like a dick, as Lola would call me. And she’d be right.
“I love working here, Evan. I love this place, this job, and I think I’m going to be a great lawyer, one day…”
“You are, going to be a great lawyer. You said you were gonna be the best associate I’d ever had, and they weren’t just words, Hayden. You really are one of the best associates to walk through the doors of Cavendish King, and I don’t want you to throw that away.”
“I want to be taken seriously. That’s all I want. And when I realized how what happened could affect things…”
“Like you said, Hayden. Let’s forget it ever happened. Okay?” I smile, and the relief that sweeps over her face is all-consuming, I can see her shoulders physically sag. “But, I don’t think it’s a good idea, you working too closely with me. So, I’m gonna make sure you get to work some cases worthy of your talent with another senior partner, someone who’ll push you to be even better than you already are.”
The relief on her face is marred only by a fleeting trace of disappointment, but, as I said before, she isn’t stupid. She understands that us working too closely together from now on, that’s never going to work. It’s best for her to be away from me. It’s better for a lot of people, to be away from me.
“Thank you, Evan.”
“Go on, go. Get back to work. And remember, Hayden – you’re gonna be a great lawyer. You might even be running this place one day.”
She throws me a smile as she heads out of the door, and I close my eyes again, breathe another sigh of relief. That could’ve played out so differently, I’ve been lucky. I’ve been stupid, I dodged a bullet, but things could’ve been so much worse. Am I really willing to lose everything, just because I lost her? Because we lost each other?
I grab my jacket from the back of my chair and slip it on.
“I’m going out, Joanne. Can you move that three-thirty meeting to some time tomorrow?”
“Of course, but where are you…?”
No one needs to know where I’m going. No one needs to know why I’m going there. No one will know. I’m going to deal with my shit the way I should have dealt with it in the beginning. Heath was right, I need to grow up, so that’s what I’m going to do. But even grown-ups need a little bit of playtime, sometimes…
Twenty-Eight
Evan
“You in the building today?” Heath shouts out from his office as I walk past.
“You can see I’m in the building.”
“Jesus. We got ourselves a comedian here. I meant, are you going out at all?”
“Why? Since when do I have to check in with you?”
“You don’t,” he sighs, throwing his pen down onto his desk. “Come inside, will you?”
I close the door behind me and walk into the room. “Something wrong?”
“Where were you yesterday afternoon?”
“Out.”
“Yeah, I know you were out, I was asking where you went.”
I narrow my eyes and fold my arms, I’m on the defensive now. And that’s because I might have good reason. “So, you just said I didn’t have to check in with you because that would be, y’know, ridiculous. Yet, here you are, grilling me on my whereabouts yesterday. You ever consider the FBI as a change of career?”
“And you didn’t come home last night, either.”
“Oh, so, keeping tabs on me extends past the workplace, then. Why not just fit me with an electronic tag? Then you’ll know where I am all of the time.”
“Now who’s being ridiculous. And what happened to growing up, huh?”
“I’m working on it. And for your information I did come home last night. But we don’t keep the same hours, so I can only assume you were in bed when I got back and that you left a lot earlier than me this morning. I have to say, though, I’m surprised you didn’t check my bedroom before you left for work. Would’ve saved you having at least half of this conversation.”
He doesn’t react to that, he just looks at me. “I suppose I should be grateful you cleared things up with Hayden.”
“She’s working with Kelli now.”
“Good move. Kelli’ll work her hard, bring out the best in her.”
I raise an eyebrow and lean back against the wall. “Unlike me, huh?”
“You were a fucking disaster.”
“An averted disaster.”
He looks at me again, but he’s trying and failing to stop that smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Were you always this much hard work?”
“I had people who could keep me in line.”
“And others who were sending you way off track.”
I’m not sure he meant to say that out loud, and I narrow my eyes again as I look at him. But I don’t say anything. I’m not in the mood for confrontation, not today.
“Anyway, I�
�ve got work to do.”
I turn to go, and he lets me. Whatever that conversation was about, it’s over. But it’s making me realize I have to start taking back the role of big brother, because Heath – he’s getting way too used to it.
“You’ve got visitors, Evan.”
I stop by Joanne’s cubicle to collect my mail, keeping my eyes down as I flick through it. “Oh yeah? Do they have an appointment?”
“No, but…”
“Then what the hell are they doing in my office?”
“Oh, I think you’ll find this office kind of belongs to me, too.”
My head shoots up at the sound of Dana’s voice, and there she is, standing in my doorway, arms folded, large as life and twice as formidable.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Good to see you, too, Evan.”
I put down the pile of mail and go over to Dana, pulling her in for hug. I’m pleased to see her, of course I am, but then the only obvious reason for her visit hits me head on. Because I’m sure she isn’t here for a vacation.
“What’s going on, Dana?”
She looks at me for a beat or two, and then she steps aside and I glance into my office, and that tightening in my chest returns again.
“What the hell is she doing here?”
“Evan…”
I hold a hand up to silence my mother, I don’t want to hear anything she has to say. And I turn to face Dana again, who gets the message, closing the door behind her.
“I’m not even gonna ask if Heath has anything to do with this.”
“He cares about you, Evan.”
“No, Dana, he’s just worried about what he thinks I might be doing to this firm.”
“With good reason.”
I stare at her, I mean, I’m struggling to believe this is actually happening. “You kidding me? And, okay, my brother decided to call in the other name partner, I get that, or at least, I can understand it. But what’s she got to do with this?”
I jerk my head back in the direction of my mother, but I don’t acknowledge her. I don’t look at her.
“Look, Evan, things have been difficult, we understand that…”
“We understand that? She threatened to cut me out of the will, Dana, because I married my secretary. She made my wife feel like crap in front of an audience, at my father’s fucking funeral. She got one of my oldest friends to draw up a backdated pre-nup in the hope that we’d sign it, and she understands that things have been difficult?” I swing around and stare at my mother. “It broke down, my marriage. But you already know that, right? You already know Lola’s gone back to the UK. Yeah, she’s left me, walked away, and you know what? I’m still blaming you, for kick-starting all this crap. For making her think it could never work, because you fuelled insecurities she was already experiencing, shit we probably could’ve worked through, fixed, in time, if you hadn’t added to it. So, when you heard did you, what? Did you celebrate? Strike it down as a victory…?”
Willfully Hers (The Dirty Business Series Book 2) Page 23