Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

  “We’ve got to get her out of the boat,” Dolph said. “Before she changes again, maybe when we don’t catch her, and gets the key. Or pretends to be gone from Noe, and grabs it from Santo.”

  “Yes!” Santo agreed. He gave the key to Nia, who accepted it as she held him. Then Jess grabbed Noe. Myst came up on the other side to help together they bundled the struggling girl up topside. Even tied, she was a handful. Dolph picked her up and stepped off the boat.

  “Take the boat away!” Dolph shouted. “Don’t let her get back on!”

  Win took the till. The sail fired up. The boat sailed into the sky, leaving them below.

  “You’ve stranded yourselves, you idiots!” the Hag spat as Dolph set her down.

  “We don’t matter,” Dolph said. “Now you can change as often as you want, but you won’t get the boat or the key. We’ve stopped you, Sea Hag.”

  “Bleep!” Even blanked out, the curse made Myst turn vaporous for a moment, and the turf under their feet turned brown.

  But it was true: they had stranded themselves, along with the Sea Hag.

  Chapter 11

  Aria

  “I felt something,” Prince Dolph said after a moment. “When I carried her.”

  “That was my thigh, you lecher,” the Hag said. “Got a thing for underage girls? Want me to take off my clothes?”

  “Give me your hand,” Dolph said.

  “I’ll give you more than that, if you let me go.” She turned around so that her bound hands were toward him. “Grab my bouncy bottom too, while you’re at it.”

  Jess glanced at Myst. “Remember, the creature speaking is thousands of years old. She is trying to freak him out with foul language.”

  “I know,” Myst said. She had had the longest and closest association with Jess of all the children, and was best able to take her halfway seriously. “The Adult Conspiracy doesn’t stop her.”

  “I think the Adult Conspiracy is in abeyance while the Sea Hag is with us. This is a special situation. But I also think it is limited to words. Brace yourself; there may be more.”

  “You bet there will, you backward-talking slut,” the Hag said. “Bleep! Bleep! BLEEP!!” Even bleeped out, the words scorched more turf and left a trail of acrid smoke in the air.

  “I can’t even understand those bleeps, let alone the words they cover up,” Myst said. “So there.”

  “Well, I will define them for you, brat. They mean—”

  The Hag cut off in mid diatribe as Dolph grabbed Noe’s hands with his own.

  “Oh!” Noe’s voice said. But it wasn’t Noe.

  “Princess Aria, my great niece,” Dolph said. “I felt you before.”

  “Uncle Dolph,” she agreed. “I felt you too, because you’re a Magician.”

  “Are you a prisoner, too?”

  “Not exactly. I can depart at any time, but I’m not doing it, because it’s better to stay here and fight the Sea Hag. She can’t completely dominate Noe’s body despite what she says as long as I resist her.”

  “And you hate her,” Dolph said.

  “Because she loosed the thing that deleted my mother!”

  Dolph turned to Jess. “Aria and I are both Magician caliber individuals, and we are related, both being of the line of Bink. So we have a certain affinity. I can drive back the Hag while I have physical contact with the host. But only while I touch her; she’ll resume dominance the moment I let go. The Hag is a Sorceress, too.”

  “Yes she is,” Aria agreed. “And she is far more experienced at occupying host bodies than I am. It’s her specialty. I can’t drive her out on my own.”

  “I know. And actually we don’t want to drive her out. We want to keep her captive.”

  “She can’t move on yet,” Aria said. “It takes her a day or so to settle in completely. She controls the actions and language, but that’s superficial until she penetrates to the deeper levels. Noe is fighting her too, so it’s slow. But she is in control.”

  “I can’t touch the host all the time,” Dolph said. “But I will when we need to talk. Keep fighting.”

  “I will, Uncle,” Aria promised.

  Dolph let go. Immediately the girl’s expression curled into a sneer. “The twit from the future is just delaying me,” the Hag said. “And so are you, Prince Doofus. This body is mine.”

  Jess noted that Noe, the host, had never spoken. She was not a Sorceress, just a girl, so was completely suppressed. That bothered Jess on another level, but there was nothing she could do about it. “So what’s next?” she asked Dolph.

  “Good question, Doofus,” the Hag said. “You can’t get my clothes off unless you cut them off or untie me.”

  “We start world traveling,” Dolph said. “Until we reach the Brain Coral’s Pool where we can confine her.”

  “But the boat is gone,” Jess said. “We’re stuck here on Stench.”

  “Hardly. I know how to orient on Princess Ida, who is my sister. We’ll go to her.”

  “I’m not sure I understand,” Jess said.

  “Of course you don’t, slut,” the Hag said. “You’re just an ignorant peon.”

  Dolph quirked a smile. “But she is nevertheless the protagonist of this story.”

  “Oh for screaming at top volume!” the Hag said. “What possible reason could there ever be for that? She’s nothing.”

  “I hear that nothings make for good pro, pro—main characters,” Myst said.

  “Protagonists,” Jess said.

  “And it means she’s largely protected against complete disaster,” Dolph said. “Nothing really bad happens to protagonists, and they generally conclude with happy endings.”

  “So why don’t you make her end happy, Doofus? She surely needs it. Her own silly man won’t touch her there.”

  Jess decided to ignore the filthy implication. The Hag was still trying to mess them up.

  “Or maybe just spank it; she might like that,” the Hag continued. “Specially if you bare it first.”

  Jess realized that learning of her protagonist status was really riling the Hag. Maybe that boded well for their mission.

  “Why would anyone like spanking?” Myst asked.

  “Oh, do you have an education coming, brat! I shall enlighten you forthwith. Little girls get spanked when they’re naughty. So do big girls, but its different for them, because naughtiness means—”

  “Let’s move on,” Jess said, interrupting her.

  “I will transform to roc form,” Dolph said. “You get on my back, and hold on the feathers. Can you do that and hold on to Noe’s body, too?”

  “We’ll try,” Jess said.

  “If you start to fall off, I’ll feel it, and will promptly land.”

  Then the man was gone and the monstrous bird was in his place. The bird flattened on the ground, half spreading one wing to serve as a ramp. Jess and Myst each took hold of one of Noe’s arms and hauled her along, up that ramp, to the more solid back. The Hag did not try to resist, maybe knowing that they might start hurting her physically if she fought them too much.

  When they were fairly centered, each of them took firm hold of the base of a giant feather with one hand, while clamping on one of Noe’s arms with the other. It wasn’t perfect, but it would do. “Ready!” Jess called.

  The roc spread his wings, then scooted along the ground, pumped the wings, and took off. In a moment and a half they were flying above the trees.

  “Whee! This is fun!” Aria said.

  Jess’s startle faded as it started. The host was back in contact with Dolph, so the princess was able to express herself again.

  “It is!” Myst agreed. “It’s not the same as when we’re on the boat.”

  “It gets old after a century or so,” the Hag said. Evidently the suppression wasn’t perfect when the contact was through feathers in
stead of flesh.

  “You don’t seem to have much joy in life,” Jess said.

  “Life gets old after a century or so.”

  “So why do you continue?”

  “What choice do I have? I’m eternal.”

  Jess peered down around the big bird’s torso as well as she was able. The tapestry of the World of Stench was passing rapidly by. “It doesn’t smell bad up here,” she said, surprised.

  “The air is thin,” the Hag said. “No matter; you get used to it after a few years.”

  “I’m breathing normally.”

  “The air around the Magician is normal to the extent he wants. It’s part of his magic.”

  Was she getting talkative? “What were you doing here on Stench?”

  “I was exiled last time I was caught. There is not much of a tourist industry here, so they figured I’d never escape.” She cackled, literally. “Until you folk came, bringing the beautiful boat.”

  Jess was appalled. “You mean if we hadn’t come, you’d have had no chance to escape?”

  “Ironic, isn’t it? You sow your own destruction.”

  “But that’s paradox!” Or was it, considering the multiple closely-set time lines? They might just be messing up the next reality.

  “Not so,” Aria said. “You were biding your time, Hag, waiting for the right host and the right situation. If we hadn’t come, sooner or later you’d have found another way. Better for us to do it, because we know we need to confine you more safely.”

  “Spoilsport,” the Hag muttered.

  The big bird angled downward. They were approaching their destination. This turned out to be a small castle surrounded by a filthy moat, in contrast to the cultured grounds. But when they landed on a flat roof, the smell was not bad at all.

  They disembarked, and Prince Dolph reappeared, complete with clothing. “The moat filters incoming air,” he said. “That’s why it’s filthy.”

  So he had been able to overhear their dialog. That was surely just as well.

  “This is Princess Ida’s castle,” Dolph said.

  “I thought Princess Ida lived in Xanth Proper,” Myst said.

  “She does. But the Worlds of Ida, as we call them, represent an effectively infinite loop wherein reside all the folk who live on Xanth, or ever did live, or ever might have lived. It requires a number of iterations of Ida to service all those worlds. This is Stench Ida.”

  A woman was approaching them. A tiny staff with a swollen end orbited her head. “Well spoken, little brother!” She hugged Dolph, and he hugged her back, the orbiting object neatly avoiding them both. Jess noted that her skin was blotchy as if soiled by intrusions of stench, and her hair resembled a cloud of smog, but she seemed healthy enough.

  “This is my sister Ida,” Dolph said. “You can tell by her planet.”

  “Which is not a ball of stench, as you might expect,” Ida said. “That orbits the head of the Ida of the next planet below. Mine represents the next world up, Planet Distaff. It is governed by women.”

  A distaff? Jess had never seen one before. But she knew what it was: a kind of staff around whose end women wound flax or yarn to facilitate spinning. It was a symbol of women’s work, and thus of women.

  Ida glanced at them. “And who are your companions, Dolph? Are these fair young ladies friends of Electra? One of them seems to be bound.”

  Myst flushed slightly at being called a fair young woman, at the age of eight. Jess hoped she herself was not reacting similarly.

  “These are Jess, the Protagonist of this story,” Dolph said. “Myst, a young friend. And Noe, who can’t speak at the moment because she has been infested by the Sea Hag.”

  “The Sea Hag! We don’t want her here. She’s supposed to be mired in the far swamps.”

  “Tough feces, sis,” the Hag snapped. “I got a new host.”

  “I will explain that in a moment,” Dolph said. “Also with this host is Princess Aria.”

  He touched Noe’s tied hand, and Aria made a little curtsy. “Hello, great Aunt Ida. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “But dear, you’re only one year old!”

  “In this time, yes. I am visiting from nine years in the future. It’s complicated.”

  “Surely so,” Ida agreed, briefly touching Noe’s free hand herself. Jess realized that she was verifying the Sorceress quality of the visitor, and probably also the presence of the Sea Hag. “Come in all. You must catch me up on everything.”

  In the course of the next hour they did catch her up. “I am of course constrained to help you,” Ida said. “And not merely because you are my brother and great niece; the welfare of future Xanth is clearly at issue. But there are constraints; I must maintain an essential neutrality. I must not, for example, deny the Sea Hag access to other worlds; that would violate my position of assisting all. But I may be able to assist you indirectly by proffering advice which you may or may not accept.”

  “We are hardly going to reject your advice, Ida!” Dolph protested.

  “I phrase it in this manner to maintain my socio-political neutrality, Dolph,” she said gently. “So that the choice is completely yours, not mine.”

  He shrugged, not really understanding the distinction. “We are listening.”

  “First, a mechanism to maintain your control of the Sea Hag. You can continuously touch Noe by changing form to a flea and hiding in her hair. That will give Aria ongoing control of the host without any awkward appearance of uncle handling niece.”

  Dolph’s jaw dropped, literally. So did Jess’s. Why hadn’t they thought of that before? Of course he did not want to seem to be constantly handling a young girl.

  “Second, with Aria in steady control, she will be constrained to honor her station. She is a princess and a Sorceress. She can’t outrightly deceive others. It is not the royal way.”

  “But we can’t just tell everyone we meet about the Sea Hag!” Aria protested. “She will twist her words to make us seem like malefactors, and soon escape our control.”

  “That is true, dear. But a princess must be princessly, or her reputation will suffer. Appearance can count as heavily as reality. Compromise may be necessary.”

  “Compromise?”

  “You must always tell the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth. This is a social compromise to get along. Ugly folk do not necessarily appreciate being informed they are ugly, or dull folk that they are dull, so that truth is not always social. You may have an itchy bug bite on your bottom; you do not mention that either, because princesses are considered to have no imperfections. You may say that your full situation is complicated, but that what concerns others is that you are Princess Aria. They will assume that by omitting supplementary details you are merely being polite, and will appreciate it.”

  “That’s not dishonest?” Aria asked.

  “That is socially acceptable evasion, dear. Royalty practices it as a matter of course.”

  Aria nodded. She was a child, but was learning adult ways.

  “We will consider your remarks,” Dolph said. “And be guided or not guided as we ourselves choose.”

  “Exactly,” Ida agreed with a smile. “Now I suspect you wish to travel to the next world. Traveling upward is generally easier than traveling downward, but eventually you will close the loop and return to Xanth proper, if that is your intention.”

  “It may be,” Dolph said. “We need to take the Hag to the Brain Coral’s Pool, so that she can’t wreak further mischief.”

  “Then you are in luck. There is a supplementary Brain Coral complete with Pool about two worlds up, on Planet Coral.”

  “Excellent! We have about a day to get her there before she vacates this host and seeks another.”

  Myst looked troubled. Ida picked up on it. “Is there a problem, dear?”

  “We don’t have the
boat,” Myst said. “We don’t have Santo to make a hole. How can we get to another world?”

  “Myst, that is why my brother brought you here. I am the axis of connection of worlds. In the early days we thought that folk had to rest and let their souls do the traveling, but now we know they can do it directly. Dolph will take you to Distaff, and thence to Coral. He is familiar with the mode. It is all in the mindset.”

  Jess was relieved. She had wondered herself.

  “I think we had better be on our way, then,” Dolph said.

  “Say hello to Distaff Ida for me.”

  “We will.” Dolph let go of Noe and transformed to roc form.

  Immediately the Hag tried to bolt for the woods, hopping madly. But Myst, alert for this, tackled her and both fell to the ground amid a welter of curses that blackened the nearby flowers. Jess went over and helped haul the girl back to her bound feet.

  They bustled Noe onto the roc’s back. “Fare well, Princess Ida!” Jess called as they took off. But where was Dolph going?

  The big bird did not fly into the sky. Instead he circled Ida, going around and around her as she stood still. She seemed to be getting smaller, or rather farther away. Then Jess realized that it was actually her orbiting planet, the Distaff, that he was circling. It was growing. In fact it was becoming enormous. It was becoming a weirdly shaped planet, indeed.

  Now they were gliding down towards it. Jess saw seas and continents. As they descended she saw mountains, forests, fields, and roads. Even houses. It truly was a world. The shape of it was no longer apparent; it seemed perfectly ordinary, and the air was sweet.

  They landed in an isolated field. The three dismounted, and the roc became the man. “Now we need to find Distaff Ida,” he said. “She is—” he paused, then pointed. “That way. I tried to land close to her. I can take us closer. But it might be better to walk, so as not to attract attention.”

  “Yes, untie my feet,” the Hag said, sitting down on the ground. “So I can walk.” She glanced at Dolph. “Unless you want me to spread my legs first.”