by Maya Daniels
“What does that matter? I need them safe where they belong. Where they should’ve been all along.”
“Ah! So, it’s guilt then, not anger we are dealing with.” She nods her head.
“It’s many things, but yes. There’s guilt there among all the other emotions.”
“Well, I can tell you that it will do you no good to go head first through a wall and save them at any cost. They will resent you for it if you find them just so they lose you. It’ll be nothing more than a vicious cycle of pain and suffering for everyone involved.”
“It’s not like I plan on it,” I say defensively. “Not like I want to hurt myself in the process, but no price is too high if it guarantees their safety.” I mean my words from deep in my heart. I just want them back safe. That’s my goal. Everything in between is not important.
Azalea is quiet for a while and I am too, both lost in our own thoughts. We walk towards the mountain I still can’t see because of the trees looming before us.
“Everything is meant to pass as it’s meant to pass, witchling,” she says in a gentle tone after a while. “Events happen for a reason, to mold each of us into who we are created to be. We might see it as unfair or cruel, but if we change the perspective and see it as a lesson rather than a punishment, things will make more sense. It is your path to walk and I might have already said too much, but just remember one thing while you are growing in your own skin. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.”
With that, she releases my hand and rushes in front of me. A tsunami of thoughts assaults my brain, so many I get dizzy from them. Opening my mouth to speak, I shut it again when I realize we’ve reached the end of the woods. The place that not long ago I watched as the monsters took Faith.
Hastening my steps, I catch up with Azalea at the shimmering border that protects the woods from the clearing.
“Did you place the protective barrier around the woods?” I ask her.
“It’s not a barrier. It’s a portal.”
“Huh? Portal to what? Aren’t we in the same realm while we are in the woods?”
“No.”
“That’s it? Just no?” Aghast, I gap at her. “I need to know, so I have options when I get them out, Azalea, in case we need to make a fast getaway. I’m not asking because I have a desire to bother you more than I already have.”
“I know,” she says while she scans the orchards with those stupid silver apples. I get goosebumps popping up on my skin, and I better remember to stay alert so I don’t reach for one while going through it. I’m starting to get angry again, but I fight it this time because the monster lurking in my own mind freaks me out enough already. Plus, I need to move before I get another lecture or fight, and judging by her reaction earlier, I’d bet on the fight.
“Will I be able to lead them here to safety if need be, or should I go straight for the cave? That’s all I want to know,” I say to her calmly.
Damn, I may even convince myself if I keep it up.
She turns those amber eyes on me and assesses me slowly. I don’t break eye contact. I even try not to blink to let her see the truth in my eyes. I don’t care about anything or anyone, I just want to take my sisters’ home with me. Energy like I’ve never felt before enters my entire being. It penetrates my whole body at once, and it almost feels like it’s trying to take over. It’s fluid and kind of sticky at the same time, like I’m immersed in maple syrup but it’s moving, prodding my mind, my heart, and even my essence. Just as I’m about to start panicking, thinking I fell for a trap and I need to fight her, she smiles.
“Ah! There you are, witchling. Below all that guilt and anger, you are still there. I almost thought I made a mistake.”
“What are you talking about?” I frown at her, but relax when she pulls her energy back.
“If need be, you will see the woods, so you can stop here shortly if you need a safe place for the time. Remember to stay at the edges of the woods, and not venture within. I can’t guarantee your safety if you decide to walk around my plane. I was expecting you this time but not anymore, at least not for a while,” she says cryptically.
Great! More mind games.
“Will do, and thank you … for everything,” I add.
“I will not come with you, but Rajah will. Follow him and he will lead you to the caves. Close your heart before you touch those lanterns, or you’ll have a battle I’m not sure you’ll win. And good luck. Remember to let go of the hot coal so you don’t burn yourself. I will see you again, witchling, when the time is right.”
I’m about to open my mouth (as usual, as if I can keep it shut) to ask questions, but it freezes slightly open because the woman standing in front of me changes. The breath gets stuck in my lungs as I watch, my mind so blank I hear buzzing in my ears. She is an old lady with a long white braid and a wrinkled face, but that illusion disappears when she doubles in size, then triples. Her skin darkens from ivory to ebony black. Her head rounds and expands, as well as her body. Multiple legs sprout from it and stretch on both sides as thick as my torso. Her gentle smile turns sinister as sharp pincers glisten in the moonlight, bringing chills to my soul. My jaw unhinges slightly, my eyes go round and as big as the moon as I take in the huge spider gazing down at me. Fire gathers in my palms in preparation for a fight when I finally make eye contact with the creature and take in the same amber eyes of Azalea.
I pause, even more startled when her voice drifts in my head. “Now, don’t be so surprised, witchling. Who did you think I
was? Who else can feel the ripples in the web if not the one that weaves it?”
I’m still dumbstruck, my mouth gaping open as I continue to gawk at her. I don’t think I even breathe, to be honest. At least my mind isn’t blank anymore, because like a broken record on repeat, the words what the fuck play nonstop. She laughs in my mind, the sound making me quiver.
“Fear is crippling, don’t let it in. Things happen for a reason, and it’s up to you to find the lesson in it or the cycle will repeat. There is no good or bad, just the same frequency on opposite sides of the spectrum. They are all part of you, so no need to be afraid. Wield them both and you’ll be whole. Without either, you will break and so will your strand in my web. Damn shame would that be. Go now and heed my warnings.”
With that, she turns and fluidly disappears like she was never there. I’m still dumbstruck. I think about screaming, about running for my life, but I’m too shocked to breathe, let alone move. Now that she’s gone, I slowly drop to the ground and stare at the spot she occupied two seconds ago. The weaver of the web of life! And I argued with her! She could cut my strand of life and I would be no more. I actually acted like an ass, not just argued. Now I have just one question in my mind. How the fuck am I still alive and, more importantly, why?
Chapter 7
I snap myself out of the shock, wasting precious moments that I could’ve used to move closer to the mountain pass. Since I’m still breathing, I know how kind the Goddess is, but I’ll dwell on the ramifications of my encounter later.
Looking across the field at the orchard and the mountain behind it, dread fills me. I need to keep my shit together if I’m going to do this right. What did Azalea say earlier? Close my heart? Good luck with that! I’ve been wearing the damn thing on my sleeve my whole life. I knew it’d cost me my life eventually. Well, according to Remi, it has cost me my life, many times, but who’s counting, right?
Okay, I know what I’m doing. I’m stalling. And it needs to stop.
Just as I’m about to get up, an idea strikes me. I’ll call on Inanna. I’m sure she’ll have some words of wisdom to spare before she loses her vessel. Well, I hope so, anyway.
Closing my eyes, I open my heart and wait to hear her voice that is like balm to my soul now, but nothing happens. I try again and again with no luck. I need to know how to close my heart without making a mistake. Otherwise, not only will my rescue mission fail, but I’ll screw myself up. I’m her ve
ssel. If anything messes me up, I’ll doom everyone around me—and maybe the entire human race. Having no luck connecting with her, I decide I’m going to summon her.
I settle calmly in a lotus position and take deep breaths while I place my open hands palm on my knees. When I can tell I’m centered, I start.
“I invoke you, Mother of darkness!
I invoke you, Mother of night!
Let your angels of inspiration open my heart,
Let your angels of courage fly inside.
I shall make a golden cradle
To make a place for courage.
I shall make a golden fire
To warm courage inside.
I shall put my hands in your lap
For you to bless and use.
I shall put my heart in your lap
To be caressed by your blessing hands.
To grow courageous with your use
To put high purpose in my heart.
Inanna, Lady of the Evening Star,
Inanna, Lady of the Morning Star,
Study my words.
May courage dwell inside my soul,
As you have dwelt in the Great Above.
May the courage dwell in my soul,
As you have dwelt in the Great Below.
May courage dwell in my soul and in my destiny.
Make it so,
Make it so,
Make it so!”
As I finish my invocation, I still myself for her, take a deep breath, and start repeating with a clear voice:
“Shem-Ham-Forash!”
I say these words until I feel power sizzle my skin. My whole body relaxes in recognition of the Great Mother. I want to throw myself at her feet and weep. Her power always makes me feel this way. I open my eyes to see her gradually appear in front of me, and I smile as I watch the shimmering solidify. She is standing sideways, dressed in a black flowing gown made of soft feathers, her shoulders bare, head bowed down like she’s deep in thought. Her dark hair is pinned messily around her beautiful face, gently moving in the breeze with a golden glow that looks like a halo around her head. Her huge black wings rustle gently as they unfold when she turns towards me. I have tears running down my face from how beautiful she is. I watch silently, holding my breath as she lifts her head and turns around to see where she is. Then those midnight eyes that hold galaxies in them find me. As I smile at her, she frowns and releases such a loud screech that my ears pop and I can’t hear anything apart from the ringing that accompanies the sound.
I freeze.
“Are you not sane to summon me here, Alexia? What possessed you?” she yells angrily.
I can’t say a word because of the dizziness making me sway on my knees. I hear the yelling in my mind, so I think she may have busted my eardrums with the screech. Great! That’s all I need, to go deaf before I get out of this damn realm. Fucking gods and their stupid attitudes.
“I can’t hear,” I say simply and point at my ears with a finger in case she didn’t know that we use ears to hear. Now I want to slap myself. I swear I’m an idiot sometimes. I don’t know why I did that, either. I guess it’s a reflex like when you ask what time it is and point at your wrist even if you’ve never worn a watch. Thank fuck no one points at their crotch when they ask if they can use the restroom. Can you imagine?
“You can talk to me in your mind, as usual.” Her voice echoes in my head prissily, but she waves her hand and sounds return with a whoosh.
“I have a reason to summon you. It’s not like I do it because I have nothing better to do. Maybe I should’ve tried Lucifer instead,” I say defensively, and I regret it the same second when I see her narrow her eyes at me. I swear my mouth will get me killed eventually. Who needs dark wizards, huh?
“What does he have to do with this?” she asks.
“I’m in one of the Dark Realms …” I start to explain but she cuts me off.
“I know exactly where you are, just like Tomorith already knows I’m here now. Did you not think there is a reason we all have our own realms? Like we don’t have rules or laws we must follow?”
The anger I’ve been holding at bay ever since my conversation with Azalea earlier bubbles up like molten lava, and I don’t think—or see, for that matter. Everything is colored in a red haze. “Do I, at this moment, look like I could give a fuck what any of you need or follow? Think again, Mother!” Spittle flies out of my mouth at the last word. I act like I’m possessed and can’t stop myself, even if it means she’ll kill me right here, right now. My entire body shakes from the intensity of my emotions, and I rise off the ground to face her, my hands clenched at my sides. “While all of you play mind-fuck games with your riddles and puzzles, people I love are suffering, so all of you get your goals and priorities straight. I’m walking up there”—I shove a finger up, pointing at the mountain in the distance—“so I can take one of those fucked up creepy lanterns because that’s the only way I can get my sisters out of those caves. Azalea said I have to close my heart before I touch it or I’ll have a battle on my hands that I cannot win, whatever the fuck that means. I figured you’d want to shed some light on the matter before your vessel got fucked up.”
My voice rises with each word spoken, so I practically scream the last part. It felt good at the time, but now that it’s out, the anger depletes and dread fills me at the thought that she’ll just flick her wrist and take my life without a second thought for the insulting way I spoke to her. Suffice it to say, I’m embarrassed of myself for daring to do it.
“Azalea who?”
“The weaver of the web of life,” I tell her, head bowed low to the ground.
“What? She showed herself to you now? What did she say?” she demands.
“That is all you heard from what I said? That’s all you care about?” Tears prickle the corners of my eyes. No one cares if my sisters live or die, or even if they suffer. My heart hurts from the thought.
“Stop the pity party, Alexia, it does not become you. It’s important to know what she said to you. On second thought, to try to fix the mess that will surely come from me being here, I will merge with you and carry the lantern. At least I’ll see what happened earlier from your thoughts.”
Before I can register what she says, she spreads her wings and, with one big whoosh, enters my body. I stumble at the impact but luckily, I regain my balance and don’t fall on my ass. Well, fuck! It’s the same as sleep paralysis. My entire body freezes like it’s not my own. I feel it, but I don’t. I don’t know how else to explain it. Then I’m pushed into the background of my own mind and, like a vision, I watch my body twist this way and that, my shoulders rolling. My head moves to focus on my arms. I see through my own eyes like I’m looking through a curtain. What a weird sensation. To be, yet not to be. Maybe Shakespeare knew what he was talking about. I hear her laugh in my mind. I guess there’s enough room for both of us in here.
“I’m happy to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor, love.”
“I wasn’t trying to be funny,” I tell her honestly while I watch her test my body like it’s a new suit she just bought. Awkward.
“Let’s go get your lantern before I let you deal with the rest on your own. I see Azalea, as you call her, has given you sound advice,” she says thoughtfully and (she? I??) we start walking and exit the barrier at the edge of the woods.
I stay quiet, and if I could sense my body, I would tense up as I know my feet are walking across the opening through the tall grass towards the orchard. Slowly, the feeling returns to my body, yet it’s like everything I’m touching or smelling is through gloves or a mask. I’m hoping this won’t last long; it’s weird enough to drive a person insane.
“So I just stay quiet and let you do what you need to do? I don’t know what you expect of me. We’ve never merged like this before.”
“Just surrender, love. I mean you no harm, only trying to help. As soon as we have that lantern, I’ll leave and you will have full control again.”
The wa
y she is talking tells me she’s hiding something from me, but I stay quiet because I know I need her help. It gets little better when we step through the orchard and she doesn’t even notice the pull from the silver apples. Luckily I’m not in control, because the draw is much stronger now. I also notice how my body moves. She’s much better at the wheel than I am because I’m moving gracefully like a cat, passing trees, going left then right more fluidly than I ever knew I was capable of. I guess it’s not a joke when they say people can tell if you’re comfortable in your own skin by the way you carry yourself. Judging from this experience, obviously I’m still not one-hundred percent comfortable, while she’s as comfortable in my skin as she is in her own.
While I’m thinking about stupid things like how my body is moving, we reach the bottom of the mountain. Looking up, I see the end of the line of wizards still climbing up.
“What the hell? How many of them are there? It’s been hours since they chased me and captured Faith.”
“Time moves differently in different realms. You know this,” she informs me like I’m a child.
“Yes, I know. With everything going on, I didn’t even think of that.”
“Stop resisting the merge, love, I’ll let you have as much control as I do now. I’ll take over when the need comes. Let’s do this.”
I can hear her excitement as well as her wariness, and I start wondering if this was a good idea. What’s all fun and games for the gods can be awfully detrimental to the rest of us mortals. That brings me to another thought. Am I still mortal after burning myself to ash and coming out alive? I guess I’ll think about that later, after everything is done.
Without another word, I flick my hands loosely next to my body just to make sure I have control over it. The path is very narrow going up, and steep too, so I'd rather not fall and break my neck to test my theory about my mortality.
Even when I know I’m myself again and can move my own body, the idea that there are two of us in here is still strange. What has my life come to, huh?