by Kelly Oram
I snort. “Sure you do. You’re just smart enough not to tell me about them, because you know I’d kill you.”
“True. I mean, if you knew I was secretly hooking up with Rafe—”
I knew she was only baiting me, and actually, Rafe was a pretty cool guy, but I still shot her a warning look. “Not funny.”
She grinned at me and patted my leg. “Did you ever stop to consider that maybe us girls always fall for the douches because all guys are douchebags?”
I knew she was teasing, but it didn’t make me feel any better. “Am I a jerk? Seriously, though, for real.”
“For real?” Kate shrugged. “You can be. I mean, you’re pretty insensitive, and when you’re pissed you know how to hurt people below the belt just by telling the truth. No filter, no sympathy, you know? That can totally be a dick trait. But your heart’s always in the right place, so it’s usually pretty easy to forgive you.”
She definitely had my personality pegged. Honest to a fault. Literally.
“Overall, though,” she continued, “you’re a pretty damn good catch.” She stared at me until I gave in and looked at her. “Libby’s crazy. And I’m totally going to kick her ass for you the next time I see her.”
She grinned, but I couldn’t match her playfulness. Sighing, I suddenly blurted, “I kissed her the other night.”
Kate sat so far forward she nearly fell off the couch. “You what?”
I felt stupid, but I couldn’t stop now. Kate would never let it go. “After the skate park last weekend,” I muttered. “When I walked her home. We’d just made plans for tonight, and she was being all flirty. I just did it. I couldn’t help it. Sometimes there’s this electricity between us.”
“Sometimes?” Kate snorted. “You two are so obvious it’s disgusting. The other day in the shop, Avery and I thought you two were going to get it on like rabbits right on the counter.”
I slapped my hands over my face with a groan. “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with my little sister.”
“Too bad. Spill. What happened after you kissed her?”
She punched me over and over again—not lightly—in the arm until I responded. “Okay, stop.” I grabbed her fist and twisted it back until she yelped. “I kissed her. It was freaking hot. She was into it. I told her I liked her and that I was interested in a relationship. She said she was down, but I couldn’t do it.”
“Wait.” Kate leaned back and frowned at me. She pointed her finger at my chest. “You mean you told her you wanted her to be your girlfriend, and when she said okay you were like, ‘never mind; forget it’? What the hell?”
“She didn’t mean it. Not really. She likes the idea of a relationship, but she’s messed up right now. She’d go out with anybody because it’s an easy fix to her problems. She may think I’m hot, but she doesn’t care about me. As she proved tonight.”
“Adam.”
“She didn’t even hesitate, Katie. The guy showed up and she was halfway to the prom before he even opened his mouth.” I sank back against the couch and stared at the ceiling. “I’m an idiot.”
“No.” Kate leaned back and rested her head on my shoulder. “You’re just in love.”
I knew that. I’d already admitted it to myself. But somehow it hit harder hearing Kate say it. This sucked. “I’m as sick as she is. I knew this would happen. I knew she would do this to me, and I let myself get burned anyway. I should never have gotten involved with her.”
After a long pause, Kate whispered, “Then maybe you should quit. I was wrong to ask you to do this. You didn’t want to. You saw the disaster ahead of time—you’ve always been smarter than me like that.”
I glanced at my sister, prepared to roll my eyes, but there was no hint of play in her expression. She was upset. I put my arm around her and gave her a hug. “You’re a hopeless romantic, sis; it’s not your fault.”
“Yeah. I guess I am. But if you ever tell anyone that, I’ll kill you.”
“Your secret’s safe with me.”
She cracked a smile, but it didn’t stick. “So maybe Libby’s not the one. There are others. We’ll find you someone who appreciates you.” She elbowed me. “Maybe we can find you some independently wealthy cougar who could be our sugar mama.”
Okay. That made me laugh.
Libby
That moment when Owen showed up in a tux with a limo and prom tickets and groveled for my forgiveness was, admittedly, one of the finer moments in my life. What unpopular, fat, nerdy girl wouldn’t dream of having that happen? It was the movie climax, the fairy-tale ending. For a moment, I was walking on air. But then I fought with Adam, and I couldn’t get that excitement back. Not even Owen’s lips nibbling on my neck could lift my spirits.
“Come on, baby, say something nerdy to me,” Owen said as he continued to move his mouth over my bare shoulder. “You know how much I like it when you use words I don’t understand.”
I snorted, but couldn’t think of anything to say. I’d had this whole object lesson about magnets and attraction planned out for Adam, but I couldn’t give it to Owen. Owen and I were all gasoline and flame. There wasn’t that insane pull, that crackly force of energy demanding we get closer and closer until we snap the way that there was with Adam.
“Libby, what’s the matter with you?”
He hugged me even closer to him, trying to pull me into his lap, but I wasn’t feeling it. “I don’t know. I just thought this night would be more special somehow. Instead, it feels like every time we go out—except we’re in a limo and my toenails match my shoes.”
Owen softened his kisses to light, feathery touches and trailed his fingers down my arms. Normally I couldn’t think straight when he started doing that. “I’m insulted, Libs. Didn’t you like dinner? I took you to one of the nicest places in Salt Lake.”
That was part of the problem. “Dinner was great,” I agreed. “But Grayson and Avery said we could have gone with all of them. We go out just the two of us all the time, but we never get to have fun with our friends. And the restaurant was so far away. By the time we get back, half the dance will be over.”
“But babe, I already had the reservations. And now you’ll be fashionably late. That’s all.”
I sighed. Maybe I was being unreasonable. He did go through a lot of effort tonight. And the fact that he showed up at all was huge. I needed to give him more credit. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Maybe my expectations were unrealistic. I was expecting a fairy tale tonight, but maybe it’s not supposed to be all magical and sparkly. It’s just a dance.”
Owen’s hand slid up my waist a little higher than was proper, and his lips found mine. “I’m trying to make it fun and magical right now. You’re not helping me out here.”
“We’re not doing it in the limo on the way to prom. I’m not messing up my hair or my dress before I even get there.”
When I took his hand off my boob and gave it back to him, he peeled himself off me and sank back in the seat, groaning. “You’re killing me, Libby.”
He rubbed his hands over his face and then pinned me with a stare so heated it finally broke through my funk a little and made me remember what I loved about Owen. He saw that he’d affected me, and slid close again. “Do you know how much I’ve missed you?” he whispered. “How much I want you.” He ran his fingers along the top hem of my dress, pulling it down a little as if he were considering ripping it off me altogether. “You look so hot in this dress,” he said, “but you’ll look even hotter once I get you out of it.”
And that killed it. Not only was the pickup line cheesy and completely unoriginal, but he also said it with all the feeling of a rock. His brain had only one setting. He didn’t care what I looked like. He probably couldn’t even tell me what color the dress was. It was just something standing in his way of what he really wanted.
An image of Adam’s face when he’d first seen me tonight popped into my head. He hadn’t looked at me with lust, or calculated how long it would take him
to get me out of my clothes. He’d admired them. He’d looked at me with awed reverence. He’d made me feel beautiful without touching me.
And then, for a moment, time stopped. Not literally, of course, but in my head. Something in my brain clicked, and the resulting charge of energy buzzed me more than all the lightning of one of Saturn’s Great White Spots. It jolted me to my core, changing me in a way Adam had said wasn’t possible. I was forever altered from the knowledge my current epiphany had brought.
I finally understood what Adam meant about how sometimes no relationship was better than a bad one. For the first time since that first jaunt in a photo booth with him, I honestly understood that what I had with Owen was bad. I’d always thought Owen made me feel beautiful and loved, but right now I only felt cheap. I felt dirty.
Adam was right. He’d warned me. Tried to make me see. He’d spent so much of his time trying to help me, even when I’d been difficult. I didn’t get it until this moment. I’d been so frustrated, and even mad at Adam, when he’d teased me with that mind-blowing kiss and then told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me because he didn’t think I’d be serious about it. He didn’t want to be in a relationship that was all about physical attraction. He didn’t want to be the Libby to my Owen. And he probably would have been. Once again, the Coffee Man was five bazillion light years ahead of me in wisdom. The man was practically the Dalai Lama.
And I’d crushed him.
My breath caught in my lungs as I finally realized exactly what I’d done tonight. How badly I must have hurt Adam. He’d tried to make this night special for me the only way he could, and I’d bailed on him as if his efforts meant nothing. And I’d yelled at him and called him jealous on top of it. Holy hyena feces, was I ever the world’s stupidest Canis lupis familiaris! Denser than a neutron star.
“Libby? For real, what’s wrong with you? You’re not acting like yourself at all.”
He was right. I wasn’t acting like myself. Not my real self—the girl I used to be and used to love. I was acting like the new, evil Libby who hurt the people she cared about all for a guy who didn’t really respect her. I’d failed my twelve-step program. Epically. “I’m scum. I’m horse pucky. I’m worse than Aiden Kennedy.”
Owen sat back and frowned at me, afraid I’d lost my mind completely. I hadn’t. It was the opposite, in fact. I’d reached my own state of Arahant, the final stage of enlightenment in Buddhism. I was now a fully awakened person who would never again walk in ignorance. And it sucked to be me.
Owen was still frowning at me. “It’s nothing,” I said. “Don’t worry about it. I just don’t feel very well all of a sudden.” I couldn’t believe that after everything that had happened I was about to say this, but I didn’t want to go to the dance. “Will you just take me home?”
Owen blinked at me. “You don’t want to go to the dance anymore?”
“No.”
“Okay, that’s cool. We can skip it if you’re not in the mood. I have reservations at the Marriott in Provo.”
I scoffed. “Of course you do.”
Owen frowned, hurt by my callousness, and pulled my hand into his. “Seriously, Libby, what’s going on?”
For a second, I felt bad because his worry looked genuine. I had to know for sure. “Close your eyes,” I said.
Surprised by the request, Owen obeyed. His mouth quirked up at one side. “You had me worried there for a minute, wildcat, but I knew you’d come through for me. What kind of kinky new game do you have planned this time?”
“What color is my dress?”
“What?”
“Don’t open your eyes. The dress I’m wearing right now. What color is it?”
“Uh…” It took Owen a moment. “It’s black.”
“The whole thing?”
“Uh…yeah…I think so. Why?”
My stomach churned. “My dress is pink, Owen. The top is black, but the rest of it is pink.”
Owen opened his eyes and glanced down, startled to see the folds of pale pink material fanning out around me. “Oh.” He gave me a sheepish grin. “Sorry. Guess I was a little distracted earlier.” His grin turned wicked. “Are you going to make me guess what color you’re wearing underneath, too?”
“No,” I whispered. Disappointment engulfed me, as if I’d just fallen into the Mariana Trench. It crushed me with the weight of the entire ocean. “Take me home, Owen.”
“What the hell, Libby? Will you just talk to me?”
“What’s there to talk about? All you care about is getting me in bed. I had a chance at something real, and I blew it, thinking that maybe you really cared about me. But you don’t. It’s the same old thing with you. You’re just in this for the sex. You’ve told me that a hundred times. I don’t want the sex anymore. I want a boyfriend. I want a relationship. I want something deeper. I want love. Not lust. I’m sorry, Owen. I’m really done with this. Please, take me home.”
. . . . .
My parents were curled up on the couch together, watching a movie in the living room when I got home. They were having the night I should have had, if I’d only been a little less stupid and self-centered. They jumped to their feet when I came through the door and slammed it behind me. My dad glanced out the front window while my mom headed for me. “What happened?”
I rushed past them both, afraid I’d start crying if they asked me questions. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
As I climbed the stairs, I heard Mom say, “Was that a limo? I thought she was going to Adam’s tonight.”
After that, I slammed my bedroom door and turned up my radio obnoxiously loud. I made it through half my woman power playlist before they knocked on my door. I wasn’t surprised. They didn’t usually pry much, but I’d looked pretty bad tonight.
I turned down the music and gave them permission to enter. The soft hey that responded after the door opened was definitely not from one of my parents. Adam let himself into my room and came to sit beside me where I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I was more than shocked to see him. “Your parents called me,” he said, as if reading my mind.
Guilt hit me hard and my face heated with shame. “I’m surprised you came.”
“I’m your sponsor, Libby. It’s my job. Pick you up when you fall, remember?”
I rubbed my temples as if my head were starting to ache, but it might have just been my heart that hurt. “That only makes me feel worse.”
I closed my eyes against a sudden sting. I hate feeling stupid almost as much as I hate being wrong. Tonight I was both of those things. But neither stupid nor wrong were anywhere near as bad as feeling unworthy, and I was that more than anything. Adam was here to be nice and supportive when I didn’t deserve it. I was sure he had a heartfelt tough-love sermon all prepared, but I couldn’t handle one of those right now.
“Libby—”
“Please don’t say anything.”
“Okay.”
The bed shifted as he sat down next to me. He kept quiet, as promised. I couldn’t follow my own rule. “He didn’t want to take me to the dance. Not really. He wouldn’t join our friends for dinner, and then he took me to a restaurant so far away that we missed most of the dance anyway. He didn’t care about taking me to the prom. He didn’t care that it meant a lot to me. He only wanted one thing. He’s only ever wanted one thing from me.” I shook my head, willing the tears that wanted to fall to stay put behind my eyes. “We didn’t even make it to the dance. I made him take me home before we got there.”
Adam took a big breath and quietly said, “I’m sorry.”
I believed him. He was truly sorry that things hadn’t worked out for me. He was sorry that I’d been hurt. Even after I’d bailed on him in the worst way, he was genuinely sympathetic. It was salt in the wound. I couldn’t stand that he was being nice. “No, I’m sorry. You were right, and I didn’t want to hear it. I was a total ignoramus. And a cold, self-centered female dog on top of it. You didn’t deserve it. And now you’re here
being nice and supportive…just…lecture me or something. Please. I deserve it.”
Adam chuckled. “You jut asked me not to lecture you.”
I cracked a smile and glanced at him with the intent of explaining how much I deserved one of his self-righteous sermons, but lost my train of thought when I noticed what he was wearing. I sat up to get a better look at him. “Wow, Coffee Man. You look good. What’s with the suit?” It was a little big on him, but he still rocked it.
Startled, he cringed down at his outfit and his cheeks turned pink. “It was my sister.” He smiled at a memory as he loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top button on his dress shirt. The effect only made him look better. “Kate planned this big surprise. She borrowed the suit, decorated the whole apartment, and put together this fancy dinner, complete with candles and everything.”
“She really did all that for us?” Okay, I was truly going to be sick.
Adam’s eyes drifted to my bookshelf and his voice got quieter. “She was excited because I never got a prom and I hardly ever date anymore.”
“Oh, my heck. Can a person die from guilt?” I buried my face in my hands, praying the expensive dinner I’d eaten earlier would stay in my stomach. “Adam, I am so sorry. I was such an idiot.”
Adam pulled my hands off my face and gave me a soft smile. “Hey, you’re not the only one. I was a jerk.” He dropped my hands to drag his fingers through his hair. “I said some really stupid things earlier. I didn’t mean any of it, Libby. You were right about me. I have a million insecurities. I lashed out at you because of them, and I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “You lashed out at me because I hurt you. I deserved it.”
Adam sighed and lay back on my bed, commandeering my pillow. His eyes fluttered across the ceiling as if he were counting the glow in the dark stars stuck up there. “I am a little hurt,” he said. “I won’t lie. You stomped me pretty hard tonight. But that didn’t make it okay for me to hurt you back.”
Bile crept up my throat. Honest Adam was never one to pull his punches. I could barely choke out another apology. Hearing the emotion in my voice, Adam stopped counting stars and pulled me down next to him, putting his arm beneath my head and tucking me snuggly against his side. “It sounds like we’re both sorry. I’ll forgive you, if you forgive me.”