Shit. Now what was I going to do?
Landon had been by earlier with my uncle. Neither one of them said much. I had expected David to be a dick, so no big surprise. But I hadn’t expected the stony silence from my kid brother.
It had ripped me in half to see an expression on his face I never thought I’d see.
Disappointment.
After Landon had left, I felt depressed. I was as low as I thought I could get.
I was wrong.
Because I had decided to call Aubrey.
I had been tormented with wondering why she hadn’t come to the hospital to see me. I had no idea she had been the one who had found me at the club and essentially saved my life.
And now she was gone.
My chest ached with a pain I was all too familiar with.
Grief.
The night after talking to Aubrey I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned and thought about the ways I could have done things differently. What I could have said to make her stay.
And in the early hours of the morning, I was hit with a clarity that comes only when you’ve lost everything.
So after forcing myself out of bed, I got dressed in the same clothes I had been admitted in. They hung loosely on my hips. I had lost weight in the week I had been in the hospital. Looking in the mirror at my hollow cheeks and sallow skin, I barely recognized the man looking back at me.
I hated him.
“I have your release paperwork here. You just need to read over everything and sign at the bottom,” the doctor said, coming into my room a short time later.
He held out the papers, waiting for me to take them.
This was the moment when I could change everything.
“Actually, I’d like to hear more about rehab.”
acknowledgments
Sometimes the acknowledgments are the hardest part to write. But this time, they’re the easiest . . .
This book is for the people who have supported me, no matter what. This is for my mother, who is no longer with me, but whose influence is still felt in every part of my life. She always told me to reach for the stars and to never give up until I could touch them. I didn’t give up, Mom. And I never will . . .
For my dad and grandparents, who are my biggest fans. I love you all so very much, and I hope I always make you proud.
For Ian. You helped me brainstorm this incredible idea for a story. Something about clubbing and street art and addiction (and insisting I watch documentaries on Banksy) . . . and somewhere in our crazy stream-of-consciousness ramblings, Lead Me Not was created. You listened to me as I pieced it together, and you didn’t grumble (too much) when I hid away in my writing cave to bleed this story out. Thank you for your endless patience. I said it in my first book and I say it again now . . . they’re all for you . . .
For my daughter, who is old enough to be excited when Mommy is writing a new book, though she doesn’t understand why she can’t read it (when you’re older, sweetheart). Thank you for being sparkly and pink and fabulous!
For my awesome agent, Michelle, who has listened to me freak out, explode, and lose it on numerous occasions. Thank you for always talking me off the ledge. You have loved Maxx and Aubrey from the start, and I’m so thankful for your endless cheerleading!
Thanks to Alex Lewis, my amazing editor at Gallery, who helped me mold this book into what it is. You had faith in this crazy, dark story, and I’m so thankful you took a chance on me. And thank you to the entire team at Gallery for believing in Maxx and Aubrey!
A super, humongous thank-you to Kristy Garbutt, my amazing PA and friend. Our chats and your encouragement have helped me in ways you don’t even know. I’m so blessed to have you in my life!!!
Thank you to my lovely Bad Ass CPs: Tonya, Brittainy, Stacey, Amy, Claire, and Kelsie; you guys rock. It’s awesome having six other authors whom I respect and admire so much and who are there to listen to me vent or just to make me laugh. Love you, ladies!
Thank you to all of the bloggers who have pimped my stories, spread the word, and been the hugest supports I could ever have imagined! There are too many of you to name—plus I’m scared to death I’d leave someone out—but to each of you who have shared my covers, talked about me on Facebook or Twitter, encouraged your fans to pick up my books, you all rock!
Thank you to my fantastic street team, Meredith’s Maniacs! I’m so lucky to have you guys. Your endless pimping and enthusiasm for my books is what keeps me going.
And finally, thank you to my readers! Words can’t express how much each and every one of you means to me. Every day I wake up and can’t quite believe that I’m living my dream. And that’s because of you!
Look for the continuation of Maxx and Aubrey’s story in 2015:
follow me back
Turn the page for a preview. . . .
chapter
one
aubrey
three months earlier
“miss Duncan, you have been asked here today to discuss the allegations that have been lodged against you in regards to your behavior toward a member of the support group you had been co-facilitating. These allegations describe a personal and inappropriate relationship that is a clear violation of our ethical codes of conduct.”
I looked steadily at the three people who sat at the table in front of me. I picked at the skin around my fingernails and tried not to fidget in my seat.
My day of reckoning was here.
I was nervous. I’d be an idiot if I wasn’t. This was possibly the end of all of my dreams and aspirations. Three years of hard work crumbling around me.
But losing my place in the Longwood University counseling program wasn’t what had kept me awake at night for the past two weeks. That wasn’t the thing that had my insides twisted into knots and had tears drying on my cheeks. Seeing the future I had worked so hard for fading in front of me wasn’t the explanation either. Nor was the breakdown of friendships that I was trying so hard to rectify.
My state of emotional upheaval could be attributed to only one thing, one pivotal moment that had shredded my soul and threatened to unravel me.
It was saying good-bye to Maxx Demelo. Choosing my sanity over his pain. Leaving him when he needed me the most.
My guilt was a wild thing inside me that at times seemed out of control. I hated myself for hanging up the phone after telling him I loved him. For effectively pulling away and out of his life.
Even if it was our dysfunctional love that had almost ruined me.
But I wasn’t down for the count yet. It was time to pull up my big-girl panties and face the consequences of my disastrous choices head on. It was my only option now that I had lost the person I had thrown everything away for.
Dr. Lowell, my academic advisor, sat beside two of her university colleagues. She was looking staunchly down at the paper in her hands. Her mouth was pinched and her brow was furrowed. She was upset and disappointed with me.
And she had every right to be. I had been her most promising student. I had a perfect 4.0 average. I had been on the fast track to a great career as a substance-abuse counselor. I had taken my future seriously.
Until the day Maxx had walked into the support group and blown my life apart.
Now when she looked at me, all she saw was a screw-up. It sucked.
“We have read over your written statement, and it seems you aren’t denying the allegations. Is that correct, Miss Duncan?” Dr. Jamison, the head of the counseling department, asked, pursing his mouth. He looked at me over the tops of his wire-rimmed glasses, condemnation written all over his face. Obviously he had already made up his mind about me. And his conclusion wasn’t favorable.
I sat up straight and squared my shoulders. I took a deep breath and readied myself. Because all I could do was be completely truthful. I was long overdue for a healthy dose of honesty. I had lived with my head in the sand for entirely too long. Denial had gotten me nowhere.
“That’s correct, Dr. Jamison. I admit to engagi
ng in an inappropriate relationship with a member of the substance-abuse support group. As I wrote in my statement, I was aware that my actions were a violation of the code of conduct, and I accept any and all disciplinary action.” I was proud of the fact that my voice never wavered. I didn’t cry. I didn’t whimper and plead. I would take my punishment, whatever it may be.
Dr. Jamison seemed taken aback by my honesty. It was clear he had expected me to deny the charges. Or to play the ignorant-student card: But, sir, I didn’t know sleeping with a client was a bad idea!
I wasn’t an idiot; I had just made some stupid decisions. But I wasn’t going to make ridiculous excuses now. And that was one thing out of this huge, life-sucking mess I had created that I could be proud of.
Dr. Jamison looked at Professor Bradley—a slight woman with obviously dyed brown hair and a nasty habit of mixing plaids with stripes—and said something under his breath. He then turned to Dr. Lowell, who nodded, her hands clenched on the table in front of her. They talked quietly amongst themselves while I fiddled with a piece of string hanging from the hem of my skirt.
I looked at the clock on the wall. It was a little after one. I had been in this chair, sitting in front of my judge and jury, for only half an hour.
But it felt like forever.
I knew that my friends Renee Alston and Brooks Hamlin were waiting for me out in the hallway. Brooks would be pacing the floor while Renee twisted her hands in her lap. I could practically feel their anxiety through the walls.
Anxiety I should have been feeling as well if it weren’t for the giant lump in my gut and the shards of a broken heart piercing my chest.
It had been fifteen days since I had spoken to Maxx Demelo. Fifteen days since I had told him I couldn’t stay and watch him destroy himself as he fell deeper and deeper into an addiction that I had tried to save him from. Fifteen days since he had almost died and I had left him anyway.
I had convinced myself that I had done the right thing. That standing by his side while he slowly lost himself to the dependence that controlled his entire world would destroy me. That I couldn’t watch him make the same bad choices that had taken the life of my sister, Jayme, all those years ago.
I wouldn’t enable him. I wouldn’t hide from who he was either. And Maxx had to learn to stand on his feet without me holding him up.
It was the only way.
Even if I had to fight every instinct that made me want to run back to him. Despite the fact that I cried myself to sleep each night as I ached for the man I should never have fallen in love with in the first place.
“Aubrey.” Dr. Lowell’s voice brought me out of my suffocating self-pity. I blinked and tried to refocus on my situation.
“Dr. Jamison, Professor Bradley, and I all agree that you have behaved in a manner that is both unprofessional and inappropriate. Your actions have had a negative impact not only on your reputation within this department but on this department’s reputation in the community.”
I swallowed thickly, but I never looked away from the narrowed eyes of my favorite teacher.
“However . . .” Dr. Lowell began, and my heart skipped a beat at the slight change in her tone. A sliver of something other than displeasure laced her words.
“Given that you have admitted having the relationship and that you have taken responsibility for your actions, we have decided to place you on probation. While we cannot overstate how serious this offense is, it doesn’t negate the years of hard work you have put into this program. However, your volunteer hours will be stripped, and you will have to begin your clinical hours again next year, which could impact your graduation next spring.” Dr. Lowell glanced back down at the paper in her hands, as though looking at me was too difficult.
My mouth gaped open. The shock made it hard for me to breathe. I had expected to be kicked out on my proverbial ass. I definitely had not counted on any kind of leniency.
“You will have absolutely no direct counseling interaction. You will complete extra course work on ethical boundaries. You will be required to meet with both Dr. Jamison and myself once a week to evaluate your progress. Each of these things will be mandatory if you wish to remain in the counseling program. And I don’t think I need to tell you that any sort of contact with Maxx Demelo will be strictly prohibited while he is considered a therapeutic client.”
That definitely wouldn’t be a problem. But I couldn’t say that. I could only nod, words being insufficient.
Dr. Lowell removed her glasses and folded them slowly, laying them on the table. Dr. Jamison was making notes, and Professor Bradley seemed to be counting down the time until the end of this uncomfortable hearing.
“Aubrey, I don’t need to tell you again how your actions have put this department in a precarious position. It has strained relations with the community service board, which has been our partner in providing services to our campus community for over fifteen years. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are a smart, capable young woman. A smart, capable young woman who made a horrible mistake. One that could have ended your career before it began.” Dr. Lowell pursed her lips again.
“I hope you take this clemency for what it is: a second chance to prove to us, to the department, and more importantly to yourself that you can put aside your personal feelings and act in a manner that is both professional and appropriate.”
“I will, Dr. Lowell. I promise,” I let out in a rush, the relief almost crippling.
Dr. Lowell’s eyes bored into mine and I wanted to look away. But I didn’t. I had brought this upon myself.
“We will send you an official letter with the panel’s decision in writing. The letter will also define the requirements of your probation and spell out what will be expected of you. Do you have any questions, Miss Duncan?” Dr. Jamison asked.
“No, sir,” I said, hoping I wouldn’t pass out. I just wanted to make it through these last few minutes and get out of there.
Dr. Jamison nodded, and just like that, I was dismissed. I quickly gathered my purse and hurried out into the hallway.
Brooks, as I had suspected, was pacing, and Renee was chewing on her thumbnail. Both looked up as I opened the door.
Renee got to her feet and rushed over. “What happened?” she asked, sounding almost as frantic as I felt.
Still in a daze, I looked from her to Brooks.
Renee gave me a little shake. “Damn it, Aubrey, what the hell happened?” my best friend and roommate demanded.
“Probation. They put me on probation,” I answered, the words sounding dry and brittle.
“They didn’t kick you out? You just got probation?” Brooks asked incredulously.
I let out a shrill, almost manic laugh. “They didn’t kick me out. I have to meet with Dr. Lowell and Dr. Jamison once a week. And I have to take extra classes on professional boundaries and ethics. And of course, I won’t be allowed direct client contact for a while. But yeah, I’m still in the program.”
Brooks shook his head. “Unbelievable. You’re damn lucky, Aubrey. Maybe now you’ll realize how freaking stupid you were,” he chastised.
Renee glared at him. “Now is not the time for the obnoxious Brooks Hamlin version of I-told-you-so,” she growled, her voice full of venom.
Brooks’s mouth pressed into a thin line, but he kept all further comments to himself.
“He’s right, Renee. I’ve gotten off lightly,” I said as we exited the psychology building. Renee had her arm looped through mine, a much-needed sign of solidarity.
Brooks walked a few steps behind us. He wasn’t saying anything, but I could feel his tension. Things with Brooks had been decidedly strained for weeks. Our friendship had deteriorated after he’d discovered my relationship with Maxx. He had been understandably disapproving. At the time I had been infuriated by his censure, convinced that even though what I was doing would be construed as wrong by anyone else, for me—and for Maxx—it was perfectly right.
But I hadn’t been able to escape the tr
uth: that I had built a relationship with a man who was hell-bent on self-destructing. He had pulled me into his messy world of drugs and emptiness, and I had almost lost myself there. I had allowed myself to be blinded by my desire to help him, to save him, and I had ignored the blatant red flags waving in my face.
Because Maxx’s secrets weren’t the sort that just went away. They were the kind that could destroy you. And they almost had.
Our unhealthy love had impacted everything: school, my friendships, my self-respect. And in the end, Maxx had almost died and I had come perilously close to losing everything.
Now here I was, standing in the aftermath, trying to figure out how to put all of the pieces back together.
But I would. Because there was no other option.
It didn’t change the fact that even though I had made the decision to remove him from my life, Maxx haunted my every thought. The shadow of him was everywhere. I wasn’t sure I could ever truly shake him.
I looked over at my best friend and realized that one good thing had come out of all of this ugliness: Our friendship was stronger than ever. We had a connection that hadn’t been there before. Because if anyone could understand how difficult it was to move past a destructive relationship, it was Renee. Like me, she was trying to rebuild a life that had gone dangerously off-track as a result of her love for the wrong man.
Brooks reached out and grabbed ahold of my arm, pulling me to a stop. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick back there,” he apologized, bowing his head slightly.
I wasn’t surprised by Brooks’s apology. He was a good guy who always did the right thing—even when it meant standing beside me as I made some really shitty choices. He had been angry with me over the Maxx situation, and I hadn’t been sure our friendship would survive it.
But when I’d needed him, he’d been there, whether I deserved his support or not.
“You were only saying the truth, Brooks. You don’t need to apologize,” I said.
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