Alari pressed her hand against the crystal window.
I will never again feel the grass beneath my bare feet . . .
“I cannot but think you have many burdens upon you, Regent, but that one above all makes your heart heavy.”
“I miss Saria,” she murmured. “I weep for her, but I—I wish—”
“Ah.” Sechon nodded. “So you had embraced being Imperial Daughter as Saria had embraced being Imperial Heiress. You feel some guilt for grieving that you will not have the life you wished when Saria has lost hers?”
Tears stung her eyes. “I know it shameful to feel so.”
“No,” Sechon said gently. “You do not dishonor your sister by other griefs that you know. Both are losses that must be acknowledged.”
“And Kyndan . . .”
“What of him?”
“I . . . I fear he will never be happy here. Never happy among the Az-kye.” Alari met the elder’s kindly gaze. “My mother says—he will not be loyal.” The flicker of dismay that crossed the elder’s face sent jolt of fear ran through Alari’s chest. “What is it?” Alari pressed her hands against her skirt to hide their tremble, the beads of her court dress rough against her palms. “What have you heard? Is it of Kyndan?”
The elder waved her hand. “It is nothing.”
“Do you, like my mother, think his loyalty—his heart not mine but his people’s?”
The elder drew herself up. “No,” she said stoutly. “To be certain you chose your mate well. I am sure when the test comes he will not fail you.”
Alari’s stomach knotted. Though clearly Sechon did not wish to hurt her, she too doubted him.
As so many did . . .
Sechon laid her hand on Alari’s arm. “This is a difficult time. And, if I may be frank, a dangerous one. But I have no doubt that you will find the strength to lead and protect your people, Regent. Whatever it is you need to do, you will not fail the Az-kye.”
Alari turned her face toward the window, seeing the lawn of soft grass, just the verdant shade of the first colorstick he had bought her . . .
“No,” Alari said thickly. “I will not fail you.”
“There’s my girl!”
Kyndan’s warm declaration brought startled looks and a number of mouths turned downward in disapproval from the courtiers around them. He did not incline his head to her as he ought; he strode right past her honor guard and maids to kiss her forehead. It was far too familiar behavior in so public a place as the palace hallways, even for her mate, but Alari didn’t care.
“Kyndan,” Alari said, smiling up at him, feeling her doubts and fears wisp away under his blue gaze. “I was wondering where you were.”
“I have a surprise for you,” he said, taking her hand.
“What kind of surprise?”
Kyndan tugged on her hand to lead her along. “Come on.”
“What is it?”
His only response was a warm smile, and her servants were disconcerted and flustered at the sudden change in direction and the utter disregard for protocol.
He opened the door to their quarters himself and Alari blinked to see his sister and her mate, Lianna and Tedah, as well as Nisara and an unfamiliar warrior waiting in the sitting room.
The women, and Tedah, threw her smiles then all bowed.
“What is this?” Alari asked.
“I thought it would nice if we had friends over for dinner.”
Just looking at these people reminded her how happy she had been just a short time ago. The happiest she had ever been . . .
Alari smiled around at them. “I am pleased to look on all of you.”
Nisara was closest and though no Az-kye would ever simply walk up and embrace the Imperial Regent, the Tellaran woman caught her in a hug. “I’m sorry about your sister.”
Alari’s throat tightened at mention of Saria, but Nisara’s words were a comfort too. “Yes, her loss was great.”
“How’re you holding up?” Nisara asked.
Her maids’ expressions were equal parts shocked and offended that a barbarian should show such familiar behavior.
Kyndan took Alari’s fan from her hand and gave it to Tilanna. “I think we’re okay for a while.” When she and the other servants did not move, he continued sharply, “That means clear out.”
When the door shut behind her unhappy attendants, Alari looked back at Nisara. “I miss her. I miss her greatly.”
Nisara nodded, her hand on Alari’s shoulder. “If you ever want to talk . . .”
The offer took Alari by surprise but she nodded. “I will remember.” Her gaze went to the warrior at Nisara’s side. “This is Dael?”
“He’s never been inside the palace before,” Nisara confided. “He was like a little kid on his first trip to the activity center.”
The warrior flushed and inclined his head. “I am Dael of the Az'yan, Imperial Regent.”
“I am pleased to know you, Dael of the Az'yan,” she said smiling. “And you are very welcome to our palace.”
“The honor is mine,” Dael mumbled, and Alari noticed even the tips of his ears had gone red.
Kinara hugged Alari. “I’m here too,” she murmured into Alari’s ear, “if you need me.”
“I thank you,” Alari said thickly. Was this warmth common to all Tellarans? If so, they were a fortunate people indeed.
Tedah embraced her as well but Aidar and Lianna offered restrained nods and formal words to acknowledge her loss.
Kyndan pressed a kiss to her hair. “Are you hungry? Because not only are half the guests Tellaran, half the food is too.” He nodded toward the dining room. “I asked Nisara to have supplies brought down from the Dauntless so you could try some Tellaran dishes. We have spring medallions, sular steak, fried hoss . . .”
“Fried hoss?” Alari wondered.
“It’s a vegetable, breaded and fried,” Kyndan said. “I really like it.”
“He loves it,” Nisara said with an eye roll. “He keeps the serving dish at his elbow and snarls at anyone who tries to get some.”
“No, I don’t.” He looked at Alari. “I don’t.”
“Yeah,” Kinara said, “he does.”
He threw his sister an aggravated look. “Whose side are you on?”
“Nisara’s,” Kinara said as if it were obvious and hooked her arm with Alari’s to lead her to the table. “And the rest of us are content to let you scarf the hoss—after you’ve let Alari try some.”
Dael was a bit diffident but those who had known her for a time as simply Alari, with her colorful dresses, unbound hair and fingernails stained by colorsticks, were at ease with her during the meal.
They sat around the table serving themselves, laughing and talking. Kyndan, Nisara, and Tedah relayed stories of their academy days and even their time enslaved on Az-kye with a humorous tilt and an utter lack of shame.
Dinner turned to dessert, and dessert to wine and finally tea.
“They are so free with their thoughts,” Lianna said to Alari as they sat together, sipping spiced tea. “So free with their hearts.” Her gaze lingered on Tedah. “So open with their smiles. The first time I saw Tedah, he was in a cage in the middle of the street in daylight yet he refused to be shamed. He met my eye as if we had been introduced in full honors.” Her mouth curved. “And he smiled.”
“You were so brave.”
“The heart longs for what it will,” Lianna said with a shrug. “My mother was appalled but I knew eventually there would be a new scandal to wag tongues.” She glanced at Kyndan and gave Alari a reassuring smile. “And someday soon people will move on to gossip about the next one and your heart will be left happy.”
“And Tedah is now Az-kye,” Alari said.
“I think Nisara will soon be counted among us too,” Lianna murmured, nodding toward her and Dael speaking with Kyndan.
“I hope so. I like Nisara. And she is dear to Kyndan.”
“He must be pleased you do not mind.” Lianna shook her head. “I do
not think I could be so contented if my mate cared so for his former paramour.”
“His—?”Alari froze the teacup halfway to her mouth. “Nisara and my mate were lovers?”
Lianna’s face flushed. “Tedah and Kinara spoke freely of—I thought you knew.”
“No,” Alari said faintly, her heart hammering as Kyndan laughed at some comment Nisara made, their heads close together. “I did not.”
Kyndan caught her from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing a kiss to the side of her neck. “Did you have fun tonight?”
She gave a spare nod.
“It was good to see everyone,” he said. “Did you hear? Nisara’s going to stay on Az-kye.”
“That must please you,” Alari mumbled.
“Makes me feel a little less outnumbered. Hey.” Kyndan let go and threw her a smile as his servant came in. “I have something for you.” His servant put the parcel down on the table. “Thank you, Utar.”
The former warrior inclined his head.
“What is this?” Alari asked as Kyndan’s servant left.
“Well, with everything that’s been going on, we didn’t do a very good job packing when we left the clanhouse so I sent Utar over today to finish up for us.”
He opened the parcel and her breath caught when she saw what it contained.
“What’s the matter?” he asked with a gesture at the colorsticks and papers. “Everything’s here.”
She took a step back. “Take it away.”
“What?” Kyndan exclaimed. “Why?”
“Because I do not wish to see such again! Take it away!”
She turned then and fled the room.
“Alari!” Kyndan caught her in the sitting room. “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be happy—?”
“Think you I wish to be reminded of what I cannot be?” she cried.
He stared. “Hold on, are you saying you aren’t going to draw at all anymore?”
“I am Regent!”
“Yeah, I remember hearing something about that,” he said tersely. “It doesn’t mean you can’t sketch anymore.”
“Think you I would risk the throne for such?” she demanded, pointing toward where her colorsticks and sketches lay. “Will you have me give them more to gossip about? To whisper that I waste my time pursuing such foolishness?”
“Doing something you enjoy isn’t foolishness,” he retorted. “It’s called being happy.”
“We cannot all take and do as we please, Kyndan! We cannot all have everything we once took pleasure in!”
His brow furrowed. “Why am I getting the feeling we aren’t talking about drawing anymore?” He searched her face. “Alari, what’s the matter?”
“Nisara was your lover!” she threw at him.
“Yeah, and?”
“You did not tell me.” Alari swallowed against a rush of hurt that he had not immediately offered comfort or contrition or sought to make her laugh. “Why did you not?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t think it mattered.” He blinked. “Wait, you’re not worried that I’m still interested in Nisara? We’re bound, remember?”
To be bound to one would not keep you from loving another . . .
“She was your lover,” Alari repeated instead. “But you did not tell me.”
“That was a long time ago. Nisara and I are just friends now. Alari, it was nothing. It was over in a few weeks.”
“Then why did you not tell me?”
A flush ran up his neck. “Hold on, you’re perfectly okay with your sister taking a lover, or ten for that matter, and public demonstrations of—Sex here isn’t just casual it’s recreational and you’re upset over something I did six—no, seven—years ago?”
“You still care for her!”
“Of course I do,” he said impatiently. “She’s a good friend. She really knows me.”
Alari caught her breath. “As I do not?” she asked, her heart hammering with hurt. “Because I am Az-kye and she is Tellaran? Because she makes you feel less outnumbered?”
“No! That’s not—Alari, I love you.” His frown deepened. “Is this really about some brief relationship I had as a cadet?” He searched her eyes. “Alari, what’s going on? There’s something you aren’t telling me.”
“I think there is much you have not told me!”
He caught her hand. “Okay,” he said quietly, holding her gaze. “Ask me. Whatever you want to know. Whatever is worrying you. Ask me and I promise you the truth.”
There were so many whispers, so many trying to draw her this way or that for their own gain, casting doubt on his loyalties, casting doubt on his motives . . .
But only one thing clouded her heart now.
“Do—” She wet her lips. “Did you love her?”
“No,” he said instantly. “I’ve never loved anyone but you, Alari.”
“Did she love you?”
“I’m sure she didn’t and I was fine with that,” he said. “We were friends and it was a fun couple of weeks but we both knew quickly that it was never going to be anything more. She loves Dael and I’m glad she’s happy.”
Tears stung her eyes. Something about the utter absence of jealousy in his voice, in his face, when he spoke of Nisara’s lover reassured her as nothing could have.
“All right,” she said, finally feeling that she could breathe again. “All right, Kyndan.”
“Tell me what else is going on.”
She hesitated. “There is talk about—you. If you can be trusted. If you should be my mate at all. That it is unseemly that you are consort.”
“Because I’m a Fleet officer.” He nodded. “Well, can’t blame them for that. I’ve already contacted Central Command; they’ve sent a new ambassador to take over. When he arrives, I’ll resign my commission.”
Alari blinked. “You are going to resign?”
“Tomorrow actually. It would have been sooner but I can’t just walk in the middle of a mission.” He gave a faint smile. “No matter how insanely wrong it’s gone. I’m the Tellaran representative until my replacement arrives, but as soon as he does I’ll be handing off my responsibilities to him.” He raised his eyebrows. “Well, you wouldn’t put much stock in my word if I broke it to someone else, would you?”
“And when you are no longer a Fleet officer?”
“I’ll step up as Imperial Consort, as Imperial Warlord.” He cupped her cheek in his palm. “And I’ll bring my best to it, I promise.”
Tears stung her eyes.
“That’s what’s been worrying you, hasn’t it? That I wouldn’t leave the Fleet for you.” He took her hands in his. “Alari, I would do anything for you.”
“This is not the life you would have chosen. It is not the life I would have chosen.”
“Whatever life we build here will be good because we’ll build it together. I love you, Alari. You’ve been so strong,” he said softly, “through all of this. You may have to keep being strong but you won’t ever have to do this alone.” He pulled her closer. “And I promise, things are going to get better.”
“Of all the stubborn, impulsive, stupid—!”
“Sir—” Kyndan began.
“You were supposed represent the Tellaran Realm!” the admiral boomed out.
Behind him, through the window of the admiral’s flagship The Sundragon, Kyndan could see the peaceful blue and green of the Az-kye homeworld. It made him uneasy to be so far away from her. It would be mid-afternoon at the palace now, Alari would be seated in one of the smaller audience chambers and he could almost feel her tension as her advisors and courtiers circled around her for another round of sniping and backstabbing.
“You were supposed to act with restraint, with decorum.” The admiral had been at this for a while but his face was getting redder by the moment now. “With some godsdamned sense for once!”
Kyndan kept his eyes front, willing himself to keep his breath even. “Sir, respectfully, the situation—”
“What you have done,
Commander, is create a diplomatic disaster!” the admiral fumed. “Do you have any idea how serious this is? There are Council members who are calling for your head! There has been talk of leveling charges of treason against you! For what? Some Az-kye tart that—”
“Father!” Kyndan barked meeting the admiral’s blue eyes, so like his own. “You’re talking about my wife.”
“I couldn’t believe it when I saw your report.” Ryndar Maere shook his head. “I can’t believe it. You, and your sister, both married to fracking Az-kye.”
“Father.” Kyndan’s voice dropped to a growl. “I’m not going to warn you again. You will speak of Alari with the respect my wife is due.”
“Godsdamn it, both my children have married . . . married—”
“The enemy?” Kyndan supplied. “The Az-kye aren’t our enemies anymore.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “I’m not sure they ever were.”
Ryndar gave him a disbelieving look. “They raided our ships, they destroyed your cruiser—”
“You sent me out to do a weapons test on their ships!” Kyndan broke in sharply. “Remember my orders? To blow whatever ships I could find straight to hell? To gather enough data to help make our new cannons even more lethal?” Kyndan could feel the familiar cold knot in his belly. “Your orders forbid me to even warn them! You wouldn’t even allow them to surrender!”
Ryndar stopped short. “Is that what this is about?” he demanded. “Because you were ordered to carry out a military operation against our enemies?”
“There was no honor in what I did,” Kyndan bit out. “In the orders you gave me.”
“I ordered you to defend our people!”
“Your orders made me a murderer!” Kyndan hands clenched into fists. “Do you know how much it made me hate them? How much it made me hate myself?”
Ryndar’s lips went white and Kyndan’s breath was burning in his lungs. With a conscious effort he slowed his breathing and relaxed his hands.
“No,” Ryndar said hoarsely. “You bear no responsibility here, Kyndan. You had no choice but to follow orders. Any responsibility—any guilt—is mine to bear.”
Kyndan’s eyes stung. “I had a choice. I just made the wrong one.”
The Consort (Tellaran Series) Page 16