The History in Us

by L. B. Dunbar

  “Spoiler alert. It’s a prince.”

  “Spoiler alert. It’s within herself,” I snapped in response, my tone teasing “She has to love who she is in order to break the curse’s hold over her.”

  Levi stared at me like I’d spoken a foreign language.

  “Anyway, it’s my favorite.” I shrugged and walked toward a section labeled: History.

  “We still need to figure out our project. I just can’t think of anything. The birth of the city. The architecture. The White City.” I raised an eyebrow at him. He hadn’t been interested in reporting on history from the extensive novel regarding the World’s Fair Exhibition. “Maybe we need a theme. Like perseverance.”

  Levi’s head swung to face me. “Like that contest?”

  My eyebrows shot upward. “Are you entered?”

  Levi pinched his forehead. “Anne’s been pestering me to submit a writing piece, but then she had me meet a photographer from the Tribune.” Levi looked like he didn’t want to talk about the meeting.

  “Photographer?” I questioned, spinning to fully face him. “Is a photographer what you want to be?”

  He shrugged noncommittally. “I’d love to work for Geographic Digest. See the world and travel back overseas. But that might be a pipe dream now.” He looked down at AJ and pushed the stroller forward, stopping before the photography books in the opposite aisle. Levi pulled a book from the shelf.

  “Maybe that’s what we should do our project on. A history in images.” I spoke as I hurried behind him. Levi stared at me over his shoulder.

  “Aren’t pictures automatically required?” he scoffed.

  “Yes, but if we used your artistic ability, the visual montage would be something different.”

  “You don’t even know if I have artistic ability,” he chuckled.

  “I’m trusting you,” I said and he stared at me. The book in his hand froze in mid-opening. His eyes shifted back to the book, ignoring my statement.

  “I think that’s a good idea. The photograph part,” he amended, his voice softening. He continued looking at the book, randomly flipping images, and I sauntered away, as he was more interested in the book than discussing the project.

  I decided to wander back to the romance section. I couldn’t help myself. The covers were all too enticing, and I picked up the one with a couple back-to-back in black and white. Historical mystery. Sexual discovery. Romantic love. It sounded like the perfect combination for me and I flipped the book over, running a hand lovingly over the cover.

  “Would you like that one?”

  I nodded without thinking, and Levi’s hand reached around me, tugging the book from my grasp. He added it on top of the photography book he selected and turned for the counter.

  “You don’t have to do that,” I offered, following behind him.

  “I know. And I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to.” His words rang similar to what he’d said about kissing me. He set the books on the check-out counter before I could give it a second thought.

  “You can put them in the same bag,” he suggested before the cashier asked. The cashier looked upward.

  “You have a beautiful family.” The older gentlemen with glasses dangling from his neck smiled at me.

  “Oh, we’re—”

  “Thank you,” Levi interjected, ignoring my correction. I looked down at AJ, with his eyes like his father’s, smiling up at me and my heart pinched at the possibility of one day being with a man, having his child, and him purchasing books for me. I found it strangely romantic that Levi put our items in the same bag, like we were a couple, like we did this often, like we had history.

  Levi

  “Levi, it’s important to mingle with professionals. Networking can help you.” Anne was making me attend a photography show. I’d finally applied for the Geographic Digest job, and used Jet Markenson’s connection from the Tribune to expedite the application, however, he did offer me a job free-lancing for the newspaper. It wasn’t ideal, but it was something. He mentioned a decision from Geographic Digest could take some time and I needed more experience.

  In desperation, Katie was going to babysit for me. I hated asking her, but after Mrs. Hubbard’s daughter Maggie bailed on me the night of my date with Katie, there wasn’t anyone else I trusted. Secretly, I liked the idea of coming home to find Katie in my apartment waiting for me, which made me sort of sick in the head. It wasn’t like she was my wife, or even my girlfriend, and yet when the cashier at the bookstore called us a family, a strange sensation came over me. A calm I hadn’t felt before. The concept of a family brought peace to me. Add to that when Katie said she trusted me, for our project, and I liked the words, but I didn’t know how to respond. I understood the commitment of trust, but it scared me. After what happened to me in the military, I didn’t want another person to have faith in me. I didn’t trust myself.

  “I promise not to stay long, and I won’t be drinking that much.” I don’t know why I felt the need to explain myself to her. I didn’t want to justify going out. On the other hand, I liked the idea that she’d want to know my plan.

  “Take your time. Have fun. Give yourself a break.” She waved at me dismissively while she jiggled a growing AJ on her hip. She held up AJ’s hand to wave at me.

  “Say bye Daddy,” she cooed, and I worried, for the millionth time, that my son would never hear properly, a secondary concern being his speech. If he couldn’t hear, how would he learn to talk? But Katie looked lovingly at him, like he could conquer the world. She looked natural holding him, like he belonged on her hip, and I exhaled in relief of her affection for him. I also appreciated how she sensed what I needed. I did need a break. AJ and I were joined together every second minus the ones when I went to school. I needed a night out of sports and shots to renew my man card.

  * * *

  I called Grant to meet me at the bar before the photography event. A three-piece suit kind of guy, the dive bar wasn’t his place to hang, but we hadn’t spoken since I saw him a few weeks prior.

  “How are things?” He sat with a heavy huff on the seat next to me at the bar.

  “They’re…interesting,” I said, by way of explanation for life in general.

  “Still banging the babysitter?” He laughed, raising his scotch to his lips.

  “Who says I’m banging her?” I snapped, thinking the invitation to meet Grant might have been a mistake.

  “I have my sources.” He smirked like he knew a secret, and my thoughts drifted to the strange tension between my advisor and him. Was there more between Anne and Grant than I knew?

  “I’m not banging her. Or anyone,” I offered, sounding pathetic. What thirty-year-old man isn’t getting some action?

  “You need your whistle wet, pal.”

  “Who says that?” I scoffed, fully laughing at my friend. “Besides, we’re…we’re friends.” The term felt strange. Not only was it unoriginal, it also wasn’t a title I used to describe any woman in my life. With the feelings I had for Katie gnawing inside me, it seemed especially disingenuous to use that label for her.

  “Friends? Like with benefits, right?” Grant stared at me, aghast at the thought of such a relationship.

  “No. Just friends. Guys can be friends with a chick,” I lied. I didn’t know any guy friends with a girl friend who didn’t want in her pants. I shook my head, knowing I fit that bill as well. I wanted deep inside Katie’s jeans, but I also wanted deep inside her heart, and that scared me. Afraid I’d take advantage of Katie again, I’d only given her a brief kiss after our date. The whole experience seemed a bit surreal with AJ as the third wheel, but Katie took it all in stride.

  “Only if he’s getting an additional benefit from it,” he said, sounding horrified at the thought. He stared at me a moment too long, assessing me. “Oh. My. God. You’ve been fucking nabbed again. As if Alicia didn’t do enough of a number on you, you’ve fallen for this girl.” Grant snorted, his steely gray eyes glared at me.

  “I’ve fallen f
or nothing. No one,” I clarified, adding more conviction than I felt.

  “Prove it.” He pointed to a brunette at the end of the bar. I sighed, hating these challenges from him. He once bet me he could get with our English professor when we ran into her at a country bar in Wrigleyville. Her husband died, and over the course of my undergrad experience, I’d seen a huge change in her appearance and confidence. Grant was convinced he could have her. I’m sensing he shifted direction and went for Anne instead.

  “I’m not proving anything to you, asshole.”

  His gray eyes narrowed again and his mouth twisted. “Strawberry-blonde, four o’clock. Fuck-me red lipstick.” My head swung slowly to observe his target. Bright red lips and piercing brown eyes, the look was all wrong for me. I wanted a rosy mouth and sapphire eyes.

  “No.”

  “That’s what I thought,” he said, and I turned away again.

  “How is Mullens Manufacturing?” The subject change would shut him up.

  “Boring as usual. Although I have a temporary assistant that I’m ready to show who’s boss.” Grant wiggled his brow and smiled a smile I’d been told wet panties. I’d take women’s word for it. I should consider him a privileged asshole, but I knew his secrets.

  “Levi, are you avoiding me tonight?” Anne appeared at my side saving us both from conversations we didn’t wish to continue. She waved her cell phone at me and I realized I’d missed a text or two from her. I’d also invited Anne to meet me briefly before the start of the show. Her eyes peered around me, squinting as if she couldn’t believe who sat next to me. “Grant Mullens again? Please tell me you aren’t still hanging out with him.” Her words teased, but her tone hinted at the truth. Anne hoped I wasn’t still friends with a college student who drove her insane, her exact words when she described him. Obnoxious and privileged was all she saw in him. That and the donor check his father wrote to the university to get his son some kind of degree. As her eyes skipped away from Grant, I thought there might be something more Anne felt for her former student.

  “Dr. Johnson, looking lovely as always.” Grant delivered his standard line, comfortable flirting with every woman, regardless of age. His flirtatious nature typically had deeper intentions. He’d have slept with Anne if he thought he’d get an A and get his father off his back. I’d like to think Anne was smarter than that and saw through his playboy good looks, but sometimes I questioned her intelligence. I’d seen professors swoon at him, despite his inferior position as the student.

  “Don’t flirt with me, Mr. Mullens. It’s of no benefit to you now.” Her arms crossed as she leaned a hip against the bar. She glared at him around me and the air thickened. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Anne had been attracted to the bad boy student after all.

  “Well, this is fun, but we’ve got to go.” I didn’t plan to spend the whole night at the photography show. I downed the remainder of my whiskey. No longer wanting the bar scene, I smiled to myself thinking the sooner we attended the show, the sooner I’d return to find Katie in my apartment.

  “Did you find reliable daycare?” Anne asked in a concerned tone. I’d worked things out with Mrs. Hubbard for the time being for my class schedule.

  “He’s only worried about night-care,” Grant whispered loud enough for Anne to hear. I pushed off the bar and removed myself from the stool.

  “Who babysat tonight, Levi?” Anne’s eyes narrowed at me.

  “Katie.” The single name said it all. Anne’s eyebrows rose as her arms slipped free from the hold she had over her middle.

  “I see.” I hated that tone, that look, that knowing eye of Anne’s. She was reading more into it than she should, and unfortunately, most of what she read might be correct. I wanted Katie Carter in ways I shouldn’t.

  “Katie. How sweet,” Grant mocked, his eyes blinking like a school-girl. “Do you happen to know, said Katie, Professor Johnson?”

  “It’s doctor, Dr. Johnson, and yes, I do. She’s sweet. One of my star students with big dreams.”

  “Well, she shouldn’t be at Northeast then. That’s where dreams go to die.” Grant let the final word vibrate off his throat, sounding harsh and hissy like from a horror film.

  “Yes, well, we don’t all have dreams of being president of major conglomerations one day, Mr. Mullens,” Anne retorted, without knowing that Grant didn’t hold that as his dream. Her arms re-crossed in defense of the university. “NEU is a perfectly fine establishment of higher education for those who seek to learn and improve themselves.”

  Grant snorted, and I took it as my exit. I’d seen battles with less potential of bloodshed than what was about to happen between these two.

  “If you’ll excuse us.” I patted Grant on the shoulder and turned Anne toward the door.

  “Yes, yes, run off to the wife and kid.” As soon as he said the words, I saw him cringe, as if the thought were a dirty concept. While the idea seemed foreign to me, it was becoming more of a dream I wanted to be a reality.

  * * *

  It was still well before midnight when I returned to my apartment, but the place was dark. The television was on silent again, but Katie wasn’t in the living room. My space was small, so it only took a few steps to find her curled up on my bed with AJ sleeping in the center. She’d propped a pillow to the right of him, while she lay on his left. Her hair spread behind her on the pillow as her hands clasped under her cheek. Her knees bend upward, forming a second barrier of protection around AJ. They looked peaceful in their slumber, serene and angelic.

  Not wishing to disturb them, my heart raced to join them. I quietly kicked off my shoes and pressed softly on the end of the bed. AJ cooed, his lips moving as if he tasted bitter food. Katie didn’t stir. I climbed up behind her, and curled around her. Breathing in her hair, reminding me of the fresh scent of snow, I took a few strands between my fingers and ran them under my nose. Her hair was the color of a haystack, but soft to the touch. Shaky fingers longed to outline her, and my hand came to rest gently on her shoulder. Swiping down her arm, she shivered in her sleep. My palm curled over her elbow and fell to her hip. She spun suddenly.

  “Levi?” Her sleep-filled voice was seductive and sweet as she found me behind her. Her blue eyes blinked, focusing in the dimness of the room. “I fell asleep.” Her head shifted on the pillow, spinning back to face AJ. The tension in her body alerted me she intended to sit up. Her hands slipped to the mattress.

  “Don’t move,” I whispered, husky and harsh and her head rolled back to face me. I scooted closer to her, pressing fully against her back and tucking my knees behind hers. I looked at AJ over her shoulder.

  “He looks so peaceful.”

  Her head shifted to face my son again and her fingers reached out to trace over his curled fist.

  “He’s so sweet,” she whispered, the tone in her voice full of love and longing. My heart pinched. I had my own achy need.

  “Think he can hear me?” I whispered, uncertain where the question came from. Katie nodded.

  “He wears the hearing aids.” She paused. “But I think it’s more than that. He senses you. He knows who you are, and you’re here for him. You’d protect him at all cost. You aren’t going to leave.” Her words brought me shame that I’d even suggested giving up my son. I hated myself for having such negative thoughts.

  “What more do you need him to hear, right now? He knows your heart beat. He feels the rhythm of your voice. He recognizes your touch.” Her finger lightly traced over his curled fist, and it opened to latch on to her finger.

  “What if he never speaks?” I’d asked that question before, another fear in my long list of damage I felt I’d caused my own child.

  “Then he’ll learn to sign, and have his own language,” Katie said confidently. “And you’ll learn it as well to communicate with him.” The firmness in her tone sounded very much like Anne. She wasn’t suggesting, she was telling me. I would learn a new language in order to speak with my child.

  “Would you teach me?” I nearly
choked on the words. Not because I was afraid to learn, but because it was so hard to ask for help. Instantly, I worried she’d reject me. Instead, she spun to look at me over her shoulder.

  “Of course, Levi. Absolutely.” Her eyes searched my face before narrowing on mine. She stared at me as if asking her for support was the most ridiculous thing, as if I didn’t even need to ask. She would just be here for me. For AJ. My heart filled to overflowing, overwhelmed with how easily she’d said yes.

  “Stay here.” I scooted back off the bed and walked around it to pick up AJ. He snorted softly, his little body heavy with the weightless comfort of sleep. Lifting him, he curled against me as I carried him to his room and laid him in his crib. My fingers lingered only momentarily over his head as I whispered to him, “I love you.”

  Returning to my room, I saw Katie sitting up, smoothing her wild hair. Her expression still confused.

  “I didn’t mean to fall asleep again,” she whispered. “I’m a terrible babysitter,” she giggled. “He was just so fussy, and I thought if he could feel you near him, he might calm down. Your scent is on the pillow.”

  Something twisted inside me to think she noticed the pillow smelled of me. I didn’t even answer her, just stalked back to the bed again, crawling over her legs, forcing her back with my predatory approach. She fell flat, and I slipped next to her. With my hand back on her hip, I forced her to roll to her side and I curled up behind her, closing any gap between us. My knees pressed behind hers and my arm slipped over her waist. Her back melted against my chest.

  “You can fall asleep in my bed, anytime,” I muttered, brushing back her hair with my cheek, to get at her neck. My mouth parted and sucked at her skin, searching for that tender vein that would send her trembling.

  “Levi,” she whimpered, but her back arched, and her behind pressed at the steel length of me, primed to experience her. I gripped her chin tenderly and turned her face, my mouth seeking hers. Our lips pressed as if I’d kissed her a thousand times, and in my dreams, I had. My pulse raced. This was so much more than a stolen kiss in the library or one in the museum. I’d hardly kissed her the night of our date, but tonight I’d take my time. I traced the contours of her mouth with mine, drawing out the sweetness like it was an actual nectar, drinking in the pleasure of her flavor. She responded to the teasing temptation at her lips and her body curled enough so she was partially under me. My leg slipped between her knees, parting them, and forcing my thigh to press against the heat of her. One of her legs wrapped over mine, holding me firmly against her, but that wasn’t how I wanted her to come. I wanted to feel her on my fingers, taste her with my tongue.