by Eric Flint
Bob fell to the ground and screamed, and choked, and generally carried on like a girl.
The sound of men laughing gradually came to the notice of Bob and Bill. They looked up from their individual pains to see Johan Sprug and Wilhelm Schmidt standing over them.
“Tell me, young man,” Sprug began, “Just how much money will you give me to take the ram home? Or would you rather I left him with you?”
Bob and Bill both reached into their pockets and emptied them. Sprug picked up their money, grabbed the ram’s collar and headed home, leaving Bob and Bill to moan as long as they needed to.
* * *
Flo finished reading the broadsheet in a fit of giggles. Whoever was writing these stories did have quite a good sense of humor. She looked over at J.D. with mirth in her eyes.
“Funny thing, Flo. I went outside this morning and found Brillo out again.”
“That’s not funny, J.D. That darn ram is going to get himself killed eventually. He’s become a big part of the business, and I can’t afford to lose him. I think he knows it, too.”
“Now, Flo, he’s just a sheep.” J.D. snickered. “He doesn’t have enough brain to know much beyond eat, breed, eat, breed. You really shouldn’t humanize him so much.”
“Yeah, right. I know what I know. He’s the devil in sheep’s clothing, that’s what he is. Anyway, what’s the funny part?”
“He had a bag tied around his neck. Here you go.”
Flo opened the small blue bag’s drawstring neck and found a few coins inside along with a note.
“Dear Mrs. Richards,” she read. “I’ve made a lot of money telling these stories. Felt like it was time to share.”
The Brillo Letters
Virginia DeMarce, Paula Goodlett, Kerryn Offord and Laura Runkle
Dear Flo,
I’ve been reading in the paper about your problems with your silly ram.
I still have the original 4-H patterns for making wrist pincushions stuffed with wool that has lanolin in it. These were used back in the 1930s and 1940s, when pins and needles were just steel rather than stainless steel. The lanolin keeps them from rusting.
The wool inside these doesn’t have to be smooth or fine or long-fibered. It just has to be there.
If you want a copy of the instructions, just come by the Fabrics and Textile shop one of these days when you’re in town. I’ll put them on the shelf underneath the cash register and tell all the girls they are there.
Your Friend,
Mary Ellen Shaver
* * *
Dear Mary Ellen,
Thank you very much for your suggestion. I’ll be making a trip to town in a day or so and will be very happy to have the use of your pattern.
I imagine you’re talking about those silly broadsheets, instead of the Grantville Times or the Daily News. I must say that I do not approve of their content. Suggesting that a silly ram could save the world for democracy, beat up a wolf, and so forth is clearly ludicrous. Brillo is just a sheep, after all. I won’t even address the issue of the drawings.
If you should happen to hear anything about who may be writing those outrageous stories, I’d appreciate being informed. I fully intend to take whatever measures necessary to stop this travesty.
Again, thank you for your suggestion. I’m looking forward to seeing the pattern and evaluating its usefulness.
Your friend,
Flo Richards
* * *
Dear Flo,
I don’t know whether your ram can make the world safe for democracy.
But Veleda Riddle has decided that Grantville needs a chapter of the League of Women Voters. It was that pile of offal down by the slaughterhouse that the Garbage Guys didn’t haul away Friday a week ago that made her decide we need one.
We didn’t have one up-time, so she’ll sort of be inventing the way she wants it to work instead of just copying the one that used to be. She’s put your ram (head only) on the stationery, along with the motto, “Might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb.”
When Veleda gets going, smart people get out of her way.
Your friend,
Mary Ellen Shaver
* * *
Dear Mary Ellen,
I’ll be writing Veleda to volunteer my services, such as they are. I’ll be happy to help with the League of Women Voters. I have to agree, some things need to be fixed around here.
Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do.
Your friend,
Flo Richards
* * *
Dear Veleda,
Mary Ellen Shaver tells me that you’re planning to start a chapter of the League of Women Voters here in Grantville. I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be happy to help.
Please let me know if I can assist in any way. I certainly agree that some things need to be fixed around here. I do wonder, though, if the ram’s head logo on your stationery is absolutely necessary. Wouldn’t an eagle or hawk be more expressive of the organization’s goals?
Your friend,
Flo Richards
* * *
Dear Flo,
Thanks so much for your offer to help. The next meeting is Thursday the 17th at 1:00 p.m. at the public library. The topic is horse manure.
I would really like to keep the ram on the stationery. The Air Force already has taken falcons and eagles. It is only the head (I do remember the furor about President Clinton and the bison on the Department of the Interior seal), and he has such a belligerent expression. When my grandmother used to leave the house to give the city council a piece of her mind, she always said as she went out the door, “Might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb.”
Think about garbage collection. It will help keep your mind off your troubles.
Your friend,
Veleda Riddle
* * *
Dear Veleda,
I’ll be happy to attend the meeting as scheduled.
Regarding the letterhead, well, it’s your project, so I’ll agree with your plan. I can’t say that I really care for this ram motif that seems to have consumed the area. I just don’t understand how sheep could have acquired such a reputation. They’re fairly stupid animals, after all.
I’m a bit anxious to do something about the horse manure problem, myself. Maybe it should be collected and composted, rather than left lying on the streets. Perhaps we could require the type of collection bags horses wore in New Orleans, back up-time. J.D. and I were there on our second honeymoon, and it really seemed odd to see horses wearing those odd looking bags under their tails. Of course, those horses were pulling those romantic carriages. At any rate, something must be done.
Troubles? I don’t have any troubles. Do appreciate the thought, but life’s just fine here.
Let me know if you need anything.
Your friend,
Flo Richards
* * *
Dear Flo,
We’re all looking forward to seeing you at the meeting.
The city council was feeling so pleased with itself for closing the main streets to vehicular traffic during the day. But they have to open them for deliveries at night, of course, or all the stores would go out of business. So come start of business the next day, there it is—making outdoor Grantville smell all rustic. And, if anyone steps in it, making indoor Grantville smell all rustic for the rest of the day. Not to mention what the rural roads look like, and the streets in Deborah!
The Garbage Guys say there’s no real market for it. Or, at least, that there’s some market, but not enough in Grantville itself, so that it doesn’t pay enough to cover the costs of collection and transportation out to the farms. Sort of like recycling used to be.
Your friend,
Veleda Riddle
* * *
Dear Flo,
I hear you’re planning on doing something about the horse manure problem. May I suggest a money-making idea? I’m not yet sure where the best location would be for a composting operat
ion, but I know that as a gardener, I would pay for manure composted with straw.
I know someone from one of those new chemical firms was also stopping by to see if he could get my chicken manure for a nitrate farm. Have they stopped by asking about sheep manure?
Anyway, the gardens need good compost. I might even buy some if it were delivered. The nitrate farms need good manure, too, and might even pick it up, free of charge.
Your friend,
Fran Genucci
P.S. Are the Methodist ladies planning on hosting the Catholic ladies this month, or is that second Saturday of next month?
* * *
Dear Flo,
I, along with my class, have been watching the stories about your ram and I may have a suggestion for a use for the wool that doesn’t meet the standards for clothing. Our Junior ROTC class has a problem in finding cleaning supplies for our target rifles. Wool-tipped swabs are perfect for putting a final coat of oil on the bore of a larger bore rifle. Obvious the quality of the wool is of little matter as long as the fibers are of a reasonable length.
A number of the younger children are sending you their drawings of Brillo in another package, but I did not want my letter to get lost in the shuffle.
P. Henry Johnson
Grantville Middle School
* * *
Dear Veleda,
I agree completely about the rustic smell. Enough is enough. Market or no market, expensive or not, Something Must Be Done.
Fran Genucci seems to think a composting operation is the answer. I simply don’t have the time or the space for this operation.
Perhaps the kids involved with the 4-H club might like to get involved with this. They’ve certainly done a good job of salvaging plants.
I know it wouldn’t be popular, but have you considered a “pooper scooper” law? I’m sure most of the ladies of the town would vote for it. If we got enough signatures, surely the city council would listen. I don’t care how big a pooper scooper would have to be, the amount of manure on the streets and roads is getting completely out of hand.
I’ll see you at the meeting.
Your friend,
Flo Richards
* * *
Dear Fran,
According to Veleda, the Garbage Guys don’t feel there is any profit to be made from a composting operation. Like you, I feel that there is some profit potential there.
Unfortunately, I just don’t have the time or space to run this type of operation. I suggested to Veleda that we might try and interest the 4-H Club.
I believe that the second Saturday of next month is when the Methodist ladies host the luncheon for the Catholic ladies. I could be wrong about that, and will check with Mary Ellen Jones to be sure.
You are coming to the League of Women Voters meeting, aren’t you? See you there.
Your friend,
Flo Richards
* * *
Dear Mr. Johnson,
The drawings were adorable. Please let the children know that I really appreciate them.
I would be perfectly willing to provide the Junior ROTC class with some of the lower quality wool. Please let me know just how much you need. We don’t have a huge amount of the lower quality wool, but I’m pleased to find another use for it. The pincushions are proving to be rather popular.
I do hope that the children will be able to make the swabs themselves. I’m afraid that things are pretty busy just at the moment so we won’t be able to make the swabs.
I would appreciate a receipt for the wool. Taxes, you know.
Please let me know if there is anything else I can do.
Regards,
Flo Richards
* * *
Dear Flo,
Someone suggested horse diapers. I saw some of those bags on horses when Tom took me to Philadelphia to see the Liberty Bell.
Those are just a very few horses, though—for historical carriage rides. Here in Grantville, we’ve got thousands of horses it seems like, every day. It looks like we’re going to keep on having them.
We can keep the idea in reserve, but I’m also afraid that just making the bags would take more cloth than we have right now. We pretty well need most of it to put clothes on people. The Ecumenical Emergency Refugee Relief Committee is bound to think that people are more important than prettifying the scenery.
Not to mention what the men are likely to say! I know what Tom said when I mentioned it to him at dinner!
Maybe at the meeting we can have one of those brainstorming sessions where everyone comes up with ideas and then we weed them out gradually.
Would one of those scraper things that the guys are using to scoop up creek gravel to surface the roads work as a giant pooper-scooper, do you suppose?
Your friend,
Veleda Riddle
* * *
Dear Veleda,
I do suppose the cloth shortage will end someday. I’d certainly like for it to be soon. My jeans are wearing out, and you know me, I just hate to have to pay those kinds of prices at the tailor’s. Perhaps the canvas people will be able to develop those bag things someday. Are they really called horse diapers? I giggle every time I think those words.
J.D. did do one of his snort noises when I mentioned them. Men! No imagination. Can’t live with them and there’s no resale value. Sigh.
I do wish someone were able to use Fran’s composting idea. We’re already composting here on the farm, but it’s the rabbit waste. It’s amazing how much waste such small critters can produce.
I really don’t see why one of the scraper thingies wouldn’t work. The trick will be getting one of them released for the work, I expect. Still, streets full of horse poop are not a good thing.
Well, I see I have yet another snooty noble type coming up the drive. Wonder if this one will do that “stare past me and demand” thing like the last one? I’m really getting tired of this dress-up and suck-up thing. And, I still don’t understand this fascination with that rotten ram.
See you at the meeting.
Your friend,
Flo Richards
* * *
Dear Flo,
I asked Hannelore Heinzerling, and she agreed on three things—first on the luncheon date. She also agreed that it would be a good thing to be members of a League of Women Voters, and she asked about childcare plans for the meetings. I told her that I had no idea what the plans were, but that I’d be happy for Kathi to volunteer as a sitter. I told Kathi that it was her civic duty, and now she has gotten Anne Penzey to help her. Mina Matz wanted to help, but Kathi told her that since she’s eighteen now, she should come to the meeting.
Did you know an idea would grow like this?
Finally, Hannelore thinks it’s a shame that no one is making money off all of the horse manure. “It should be good for something beyond flies,” is what she said. I really think that we could get one of those guys from the back hills interested in using it for a nitrogen farm for stuff that goes “boom.” As for a place to put the manure, is the meeting at the library? Could Christy Penzey use all those land maps to help us figure out if there’s even a place in the ring of Fire that would be safe to compost that much manure without endangering the water downstream?
Your frustrated friend,
Fran Genucci
P.S. Thank you so much for entertaining us with that ram of yours. Which of your partners writes those stories? Is it Herr Sprug? He seems so quiet.
* * *
Dear Fran,
It is amazing, isn’t it? Once I finally convinced Anna Sprug, Ilsa Schmidt and Maggie Utt, that, YES, they really can vote and have a say in the world, they dug right in. So, they and Lena and I will all be at the meeting. We do plan to leave the children at home, under Ursula’s supervision. There’s just so many kids around this house, I don’t feel it would be right to overload the baby-sitters that way.
Veleda and I have been discussing the manure problem. I certainly agree that it ought to be good for something. How ab
out you talk to one of those guys you mentioned and see what he says? We’re thinking that we might be able to at least get the stuff in question scraped off the roads with one of those scraper thingies. Surely if we get enough signatures and raise enough of a stink, the city council will listen. Have you spoken to Christy? It would be good if she could come to the meeting. That way, she could report to everyone at one time.
That reminds me, Veleda said there’s a meeting, but I’m not sure where it is. Guess we better find out, hadn’t we?
Fran, I have no idea who is writing those stories. It’s making me crazy. It wasn’t so bad when they just talked about the devil in sheep’s clothing, but that last one!!!! I’m seriously ticked off about it. The very idea that I’m going buggy!!! I do not think the ram is smarter than I am. Honestly! I really don’t think it could be Johan Sprug, unless he’s hiding a much better understanding of English than I think he has. Although, there are translators, now that I think about it. Hmmm. I assure you, when I find out who’s doing this, I will do something. Maybe I can put whoever it is in the pen with Brillo.
Of course, with my luck, the rotten ram will make nice.
Speaking of frustrated!!
Your friend,