“Your husband wasn’t…”
“Oh, Oscar’s a wonderful man, and he wanted the children as much, if not more, than I did. But once the girls arrived, he acted like a father from the previous generation. My girls had a fifties childhood in many ways, even though they were born in the eighties.”
“Mmm. Is that why you stopped writing?”
“Precisely. It wasn’t a choice, Avery. It was a necessity.”
“Oh, my. That must have been…”
“It was a difficult time. We didn’t have the funds for a full-time babysitter, and I didn’t want to leave the girls with someone I didn’t know well. I kept thinking I’d have more time as they got older, but I found myself getting involved with their schools, and their clubs, and their sports.”
“I’ve never even thought about having to do that,” Avery said, with a chill of dread crawling up her spine. “But I’m sure I’ll have to.”
“I shouldn’t say this,” Faith whispered like she was revealing a dark secret, “but discourage your little one from playing sports. Alissa played field hockey through college, and I spent most weekends traveling across the tri-state area to watch her compete.”
“Oh, god, don’t even suggest that!”
“She loved it, but watching children play a sport is not on the list of things I find thrilling.” She laughed slyly. “I’d never tell her that, of course, but I was very glad to pack her off to Virginia for college. If I never see another field hockey game, I will not shed a tear.”
“Well, I began the day thinking I’d like to have two kids, and now I want to give the one I have away just in case she takes up a sport. Thanks for nothing, Faith!”
“Ooo, you have nothing to worry about. If you keep Casey in your life, she’ll go to the matches. You can be like my Oscar, idly asking if I’d had fun shivering in the cold in the Bronx while he sat in his study, sipping tea while thinking deep thoughts.” She pointed at Casey, who was holding Lisbet up to inspect a bud on a tree. “That is a patient woman,” she said, with Avery able to detect the respect she already had for Casey.
“I used to think I was patient, but she has me beat. Just this afternoon I was on the verge of losing my temper when Lisbet was being a real pain. But Casey got her calmed down, and now she’s back to her normal angelic self.”
“Mmm-mmm,” she said, shaking her head. “If I’d had Casey around when I was considering babies, I might have figured out some way to make myself into a decent lesbian.” She laughed, throwing her head back and really letting a good one out. “I’d probably be awful at it, but having a supportive partner would have made me give it my all.”
She continued to watch Casey, clearly fascinated by the way she cared for Lisbet. “I remember Oscar changing four or five diapers—total. He botched them so badly, probably intentionally, that I forbade him from doing another. The thought of him taking one of the girls on his own? Never,” she said, shaking her head. “He’s turned out to be a wonderful partner now that it’s just the two of us, but I spent many a night wishing I’d picked a pediatrician or a social worker—anyone who didn’t think babies were more complex than particle physics.” She patted Avery on the shoulder when she went to heat more water for tea. “If I were you, I’d marry that woman.”
As she walked away, Avery forced herself to look at Casey clearly. Not as Lisbet’s babysitter, but as a woman. It wasn’t her patience or her kindness or her ability to charm Lisbet out of a cranky mood that made her so damned appealing. Well, it was partially those things, but only because they were a few of the elements that made her such a wonderful person.
Her patience and kindness weren’t limited to babies, since she was just as giving with not only Avery, but nearly everyone she encountered. Casey was a fantastic person in nearly every way.
She could feel a trickle of sweat start to roll down her back, and knew her face had become flushed. She’d been fully cognizant that she’d had a crush on Casey for months, but she’d convinced herself she was solely interested in her body. Now she had to admit that noticing that big, blue truck parked by the house perked up her whole day, and she had to acknowledge that she’d started to leave her house earlier and earlier, just to be with her for a little longer.
Her head was spinning by the time Faith sat down with hot cups of tea. “Avery?” she said softly. “Are you all right?”
“How…how do you make it with someone you don’t have much in common with?” she blurted out, unable to make her mouth behave.
Faith gave her a sly smile and put a hand on her back, leaning close to speak conspiratorially. “Even though Oscar wasn’t the partner I needed when the girls were small, one of the things that makes our relationship good now is how different we are.”
“Really?” Avery cocked her head. “But doesn’t…isn’t one of the things that brings you together your shared love of…whatever?”
“It can be, but it can also make you feel like you’re looking in a mirror. Goodness knows I have a healthy self-image, but I’m not interested in being with someone like me. I want someone who lets me see a different world.”
“But I’ve always thought I’d wind up with someone like me. My long-term girlfriend and I agreed on nearly everything. And it made things so…easy,” she said softly.
“But you’re not together now, Avery. That must mean at least one of you didn’t think things were so easy.”
“We’d…” She swallowed nervously, having talked about this with very few people. But Faith was such a good listener that she felt safe with her. “We’d lost the spark. For the last couple of years we were together we were more roommates than lovers. I still loved her, and I think she was still in love with me, but when someone new arrived on the scene, she went for the person who brought that spark back to life.”
“An all-too-common event. Of course, that could have happened in any situation. But for me, part of sexual attraction is the new, the unexplored, the parts you don’t, and probably can’t understand.”
“Really? You like not understanding your partner well?”
“I do. There’s definitely some risk, or maybe even fear involved in choosing someone unlike yourself. You truly can’t know what’s in their brain.” Her smile grew when she said, “I know as much about physics as Oscar knows about infants, or writing, for that matter. But I love hearing him talk about his work, and he’s interested in how I spend my days. That’s all you need, Avery. Someone who’s interested in what interests you. Someone who never dismisses your passion. I suppose it would be nice if they shared it, but that’s simply not a requirement. So long as they find you fascinating, and you feel the same about them, you’re set.” She patted her back firmly. “If you and Casey have that, lock that woman down, as the kids say.”
“I’m very fond of her,” she insisted, “but I’ve always been attracted to feisty people. You know that type. If you say it’s a nice day, they talk about the storm that’s heading your way.” She swallowed. “That’s always been the thing that creates sparks for me.”
“And Casey doesn’t feel strongly about things?”
Avery started to shake her head, then she stopped. “She feels very strongly about Lisbet, and maybe me. I thought we were going to have to move to Brooklyn, and she got so upset I didn’t recognize her…”
“Mmm. A woman who’d fight to keep you close?” One of her thin, gray eyebrows rose. “You might be more attracted to someone who likes to argue about the weather, but I’d rather have someone who’d only waste her energy fighting for the important things—like me.”
“I…” She found her attention pulled to the back yard, where she watched Casey lying on what had to be cold stones, holding Lisbet up so she could fly, with both of them laughing their heads off.
Faith touched her again, and she turned to look at her. “I’m certainly not telling you who you should be attracted to, but if you don’t want to lose Casey, don’t ever let my Alissa meet her. She’s desperate for exactly what you h
ave right there.”
***
On the way home, Avery idly played with Lisbet’s hair, smoothing it down as she thought. She’d been a very poor conversationalist, but that was because she hadn’t been able to get her brain to accept the revelation she’d had with Faith.
She and Casey had tentatively renewed their connection over two and a half years earlier, and had been in constant contact for ten months. That was more than enough time to build a baby from scratch. If they were meant for each other, why had neither of them taken a step?
When she thought of the night Casey had given her pity sex, Avery kept coming back to some of the details which were permanently etched in her brain. Casey had told her in very clear terms that Avery turned her on. She’d even said that any woman would be lucky to have her. While she’d claimed she was just talking dirty, Avery wasn’t sure about that. Casey wasn’t much of a bullshitter, so there was a very good chance she’d been telling the truth. But if she had been turned on, why hadn’t she tried to go further?
Taking a peek at Casey in the rearview mirror, Avery was sure she knew the answer. The ball had been in her court, not Casey’s. She could have, she should have turned around and kissed the hell out of her. The evening would have gone from pity sex to awesomeness if she hadn’t been so… She wasn’t even sure how to characterize her mental state that night, but she had not been confident enough to make a blatant pass.
So the ball might still be in her court, even though it had lost some of its bounce from sitting out in the cold all winter. The question was, what to do now?
As always, she tried to reason things out. She didn’t often give into her instincts, but it was a strong one that dreamed about putting Lisbet to bed, closing her door, then pulling Casey into her room to make love to her until dawn. But giving in to that instinct scared the shit out of her. The urge to leave Hudson had been very strong just a couple of months earlier, and she would never play with Casey’s heart if she wasn’t certain she would be able to stay right where she was.
Since she was engaging in every form of fantasy, she let herself imagine Casey moving to Brooklyn with them, but that thought only lasted for a moment. Casey wouldn’t be happy there. That was the kicker. Asking someone to follow you when you knew they’d be miserable wasn’t a loving act, and she never wanted to be less than loving with Casey. While she was a very strong, very independent woman, her soul was gentle, almost fragile.
Avery had spaced out, not noticing Lisbet had dropped the toy she’d been gnawing on until she made a funny noise, like she was really saying something in another language.
Casey looked in the mirror, meeting Avery’s eyes. “Was it just me, or did that gibberish sound a little more like a word?”
“It did,” Avery said. “I was just thinking that.” She took her seatbelt off to lean over and get the toy, with Lisbet grabbing it and biting down hard. “She’s clearly teething. I hope it’s not another long night.”
“I don’t have anything going on. We’ll tag-team her.”
“I could make dinner…”
“Can you?” She smiled into the mirror. “I’ve cooked for you, but you’ve never cooked for me.”
“I can definitely cook. Lisbet’s into elbow macaroni, peas, bits of chicken, and beets these days. She’ll accept a bite of a turkey meatball, but it’s not her favorite. How’s that for a meal?” Before Casey could respond, she amended the offer. “I’m in the mood for spaghetti. What do you think?”
“Perfect. Need anything from the store?”
“I don’t think so. I froze some sauce a while ago, and it’s pretty good, if I do say so myself.”
“I don’t doubt that for a minute,” Casey said, giving her a fond smile. “I can’t see you cooking if you weren’t going to do it right.”
She continued to sneak glances at Casey while thinking about their possible future. If the first summer of Hudson Valley Short Shorts went well, Helena would definitely want to keep it going. With an interesting new project, and near-total control, Avery’s job was fun again. As fun as it had been when she’d first started Short Shorts. But Helena couldn’t afford to keep it going if they didn’t sell tickets.
Since Helena had been hinting around about how the original Short Shorts had been coasting for the last few months, Avery knew she’d have to go back to Brooklyn to really manage it if she wasn’t needed full-time in the Hudson Valley. Then what? That would be a real kick in the teeth to decide to stay, only to have to leave.
Her stomach hurt from mulling these unanswerable questions over, but she thought she’d be able to make some decisions by the end of the summer. Then she’d know if HVSS would continue to get funding, and she’d have spent a whole year back home. That was plenty of time to know if she could make a commitment—a permanent one—to Casey as well as to the Hudson Valley. She idly played with Lisbet while watching the back of Casey’s head, which she found nearly as interesting as her face. Either she was really falling for her, or she’d lost her friggin’ mind.
***
They had to eat in shifts, since Lisbet had once again turned into a little monster once they’d gotten home. It truly didn’t happen often, and Avery was very aware of how lucky she was to have such a low-stress baby. But sometimes it took every bit of her patience to stay calm when Lisbet was losing her shit.
Casey had eaten first, then she’d taken over to allow Avery to gulp down some lukewarm spaghetti. Now Casey was upstairs, and Avery could hear her soft, rhythmic footsteps pacing back and forth across Lisbet’s floor. The crying had nearly stopped, with only an occasional burst of emotion from the baby. Avery wasn’t sure where the soft music she heard came from, but after she’d cleaned the kitchen and washed the dishes, she went up to investigate.
Only one dim light was on, and as Avery peeked into the room she saw Casey holding the baby against her shoulder, the way Lisbet had liked to be held when she was tiny. Casey wasn’t exactly dancing, but she was definitely moving rhythmically to put the baby to sleep. Lisbet’s eyes were closed, and she looked a little limp, but she’d had a burst of tears just a few minutes earlier, so she might not have been fully out.
Casey caught sight of Avery and put a finger to her lips.
Quietly, Avery entered the room to check, putting her hand on Casey’s back to hold her still. But Casey kept moving, giving Avery a playful grin. “Can’t stop,” she whispered. “You’ve got to go with us.”
Smiling at her, Avery settled her arm around Casey’s waist and let her lead. It was one of the most intimate moments they’d ever shared, which was odd, given they’d kind of had sex. But working to put your baby to sleep with a woman who cared for her as much as Casey did touched her heart so deeply she was afraid she’d burst into tears.
Casey was strong enough to hold Lisbet close with one arm, and she slid the other around Avery, creating a little cocoon. They were all wrapped around each other, with Lisbet sighing deeply as she cuddled harder against Casey, with Avery gently scratching her back.
The music from Casey’s phone was a surprising mix of soft, soothing, symphonic pieces. Avery had recognized a bit of Bach, and now a Brahms lullaby was softly playing. Avery had never heard Casey play classical music, but knowing her, she’d downloaded it for its baby-soothing properties. That’s just the thoughtful kind of thing she’d do.
As they moved about the room, Avery felt as peaceful as she could ever recall being. Or maybe the better word was contented. She could do this all night long, basking in the peace of holding her daughter and the woman she was truly and deeply fascinated by.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Avery was so busy once they were deep into April that she literally didn’t have time to stop and smell the flowers. But when she looked out the window of her bedroom one morning, she realized the trees were so leafed out they were beginning to block the view of the houses in the distance.
She didn’t have time to consider her view for long. It was just six thirty, but Lisbet was
already stirring. She was waking earlier, and going to bed a little later, now not ready to relax until almost eight. When Avery went into the room, Lisbet was lying on her belly, kicking her feet up into the air one at a time. The first time Avery had seen her flipped over she’d nearly fainted, but a frantic call to the pediatrician had assured her that since Lisbet could easily roll over, and roll back, and that her neck and shoulder muscles were strong, the risk of SIDS from lying on her stomach was greatly reduced. Given that Avery had always been a stomach-sleeper herself, it made some sense that the baby liked it that way too.
She was just about to pick her up when she heard a noise in the driveway. Casey’s big truck was cruising down the drive, and Avery took her phone from the pocket of her robe and called her. “What’s up?” she asked.
“I wanted to pick the stuff up for Tara’s shower. I assumed you’d be up. Was I right?”
“No problem. You’ve got your key, don’t you?”
“As always. Go about your business. You left everything downstairs, right?”
“Uh-huh. Everything Lisbet has outgrown is in the living room. I had to put it in trash bags, since I didn’t have any boxes.”
“Not a problem. I’ll have time to find some boxes at work to make it look a little festive. I’m in,” she said, with Avery able to hear her moving around downstairs. “You don’t have to come down.”
“Okay. The baby’s just waking up. I’ll let her go at her own pace.”
“Just make sure she’s ready to party,” Casey said, chuckling. “This will be her first baby shower.”
“I’ll make sure she’s ready to rock and roll. See you later.”
After hanging up, Avery sat in the rocker and slipped her hand between the crib rails, reaching in to gently pat Lisbet’s back. While she was glad her mother and Casey were going so far out of their way to set Tara up with clothing, an infant seat, a floor chair, and even a stroller, she felt like the two of them talked about Tara nonstop. Given she’d never met the woman, that was beginning to get old.
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