by Ruby Lang
Then he was in front of her. Her chest gave a squeeze. He hesitated a moment. He sat down.
“Enjoying your meal? How has everything been?”
“Better than a massage,” she said. “Better than violins.”
What? She was not drunk. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, but her extraocular muscles weren’t meant for these kinds of acrobatics.
“Better than a birthday with a chocolate cake, balloons, and a petting zoo,” she added hastily.
“Now I’ll know exactly what to get you when you turn thirty-two.”
He remembered. They smiled at each other goofily for a minute and the room seemed to still.
“You’ve got to try the butterscotch pudding,” Ian said finally. “Nina, our pastry chef, has a great touch.”
“This has been so wonderful, thank you. And thank your staff for me. Really, I’m stuffed.”
“You’re going to skip dessert, aren’t you?”
In truth, she’d been looking forward to it all night. She hesitated. “Butterscotch,” she said, “and pudding. I don’t know how I feel about either of those things. On the other hand, I definitely always enjoy chocolate in almost any form.”
Ian sat forward. “Nina’s cake is wonderful, but you can get chocolate desserts anywhere. The butterscotch pudding at Field, however, is in its own category.”
“On the contrary, Ian Zamora, clearly you’ve spent too much time in upscale restaurants because I’m here to let you know that you can get butterscotch pudding almost anywhere. As I recall, it’s the flavor that you buy when the grocery store has run out of vanilla. When you do make it, you wonder why you even bothered with dessert because no one wants to finish this weird sweet, sludgy stuff.”
Ian grinned. He leaned forward. “Petra Lale, MD, obviously you’ve never had good butterscotch before, and by that, I mean real butterscotch that tastes rich and thick and is fragrant with vanilla and brown sugar, not to mention the garnish of bourbon-laced whipped cream. Nina has to lock it down in our freezers when she makes it because staff are always dipping their fingers in the bowl.”
Petra glared. He was making her want things that she should not want to enjoy. “This isn’t part of the famed upsell, is it?”
A laugh. “No. It’s because it really is wonderful.”
Ian signaled to the waiter and within minutes, he set a bowl quivering with thick, blond custard, white dollops of bourbon cream, and two perfect raspberries in front of Petra. Petra looked up to see Ian watching her closely.
“Please don’t tell me that you’re going to sit there and stare at me while I eat,” Petra said.
“I might interject a comment or two.”
“Won’t you at least share it with me?”
“Nope,” he said.
She swirled her spoon in and took a bite, and another, and another.
“I’d almost think you were trying to seduce me,” she murmured.
She glanced up. His face seemed frozen.
Oh God, what had she said? “Erm, what I mean is, I think you enjoyed being right about the pudding,” Petra said. “It’s simple and wonderful, and delicious. There’s really no other word for it except delicious.”
She was trying to sound normal and perky, but her voice was strained and she couldn’t look at him. The terror in his face was only magnified by the fact that perhaps she had been trying to rouse him. Flirtation had whispered across her mind while she had been eating—no, not just flirtation, but lust. She had pulled the spoon out of her mouth slowly. She had licked it. She wanted to check his reaction and now she knew. He wasn’t interested. Worse, she should never have been trying to interest him.
She placed the offending silverware beside the half-empty bowl. Her hands were trembling slightly. No wonder she’d never considered being a surgeon. She’d probably slice herself before the operation got underway.
“I should probably get back to work,” Ian said.
He looked a little glassy-eyed.
“I should probably let you,” she said.
Ian didn’t move. “Petra,” he said.
She could feel her heart pounding wildly. She squeezed her thighs tightly together. Her breath came fast. Ian’s face was close to hers. His eyes were so dark.
Lilah chose that moment to come to the table. “I hate to interrupt,” she said.
Ian and Petra practically jumped up at once. Ian put his hand wildly through his hair. “A problem out front? In the kitchen? Gerry wants to yell at me?”
“Uh, yeah,” Lilah said.
“I’m on it.”
He put out his hand and Petra took it. “This was really wonderful,” she said. “Thank you.”
He shook his head. Petra didn’t know what that meant. Within seconds, he was gone.
Lilah and Petra watched him go. Lilah said, “I’ve never seen him sit down with anyone before. Did you know his family or something?”
Petra’s face burned. She didn’t want to reveal her relationship to him, especially because of the speculative look that had appeared in Lilah’s eye. “We—we’re more recent acquaintances than that.”
Inside her head, a bearded Hippocrates muttered an oath.
• • •
She hadn’t said anything terrible, she thought as she sat in her apartment, still in her coat. It was just a little phrase, a harmless sentence—I’d almost think you were trying to seduce me—and it had really been about the admittedly delicious butterscotch. But it was enough, wasn’t it? Ian had gotten wind of her crush and she had made him—her patient, one of her few regular patients—uncomfortable. Petra didn’t remember how she’d managed to drag herself out of the restaurant and back to her apartment that night. The rest of the week passed in a shameful red haze. She didn’t remember looking at her schedule and noting that Ian Zamora had canceled his appointment for that coming week, and that he had not rescheduled with her receptionist.
She did, however, notice that someone had written a five-star review of her on DocStars.com, and she thought that maybe it was Ian.
Petra Lale is an excellent, competent doctor, but more than that, she’s a human being who clearly cares about the welfare of her patients. She’s honest, she remembers one’s allergies, and recalls the details of her patients’ medical history. She even knows which arm the patient prefers to use for shots and she administers them with a delicate touch. In the brief time I have known her, she has worked hard to improve her practice. She has been kind and funny.
It was a pleasure being treated by her.
It was terrible. It was stilted and insincere and she didn’t feel competent. She closed the page.
CHAPTER SIX
“Kevin,” Petra said, “we need to talk about boundaries.”
Kevin gave his snort, which Petra took as assent.
“I let people talk on their cellphones in the office because, let’s face it, you have to wait a long time in here with nothing to do. But I think maybe some of the newer patients don’t love it when you comment on their conversations.”
Kevin nodded.
“So help me out, Kevin. I need patients. Just try not to say anything much.”
“But I can still listen.”
“Yes, you can still listen.”
Spring-like weather, and subsequent pollen counts, had brought steady dribbles of new patients to the office. Joanie was now installed behind the desk full-time, and she had moved on to the oeuvre of Joyce Carol Oates. Petra considered this a vote of confidence in the future of the practice. Sarah’s cousin, meanwhile, had designed a new website for the practice, which included pictures of goldenrod swaying in the background, looking artistic, and to Petra’s mind, slightly ominous. They were, after all, itchy-eye and sneezy-nose inducing menaces. She wasn’t above a little stealth marketing. The designer had also included a staff page with a fuzzy picture of Petra and a simple bio, and a glossy headshot of a pensive-looking Joanie. Joanie had included information from her acting portfolio. Sarah’s cousin
also suggested a blog or a Twitter feed, but Petra decided to hold off for now. The website also included forms allowing people to schedule appointments online and a page of quotable testimonials. Ian Zamora’s review was one of them. Petra did not look at that page. Five months had passed since he’d stopped coming in for immunotherapy. She had moved on.
Kevin sighed. “I can’t help it if I have a lot of questions for people.”
“What kinds of questions do you have?”
“Questions about ladies, Doctor.”
Petra looked swiftly at the outer door. Maybe coming out here to chat with Kevin had been a bad idea, but she had wanted to talk to him in his domain. Considering how much time he spent in her waiting room, it was indeed his.
Who were these ladies, anyway? Was there more than one possibility? For Kevin?
“Is there an adult who you can go to with these questions? Your dad, maybe?”
Kevin snorted, out of disgust, rather than due to respiratory distress.
“A guidance counselor? Favorite teacher? Maybe a clergyman? Godparents? Your uncles or aunts?”
Kevin rolled his eyes. She had never received the eye roll from him. She felt vaguely hurt. Still, she had a duty. “As your physician, I can always try to answer questions you might have.”
“You’re great, Doc, but see, you’re also a lady.”
Well, at least Kevin had noticed.
“That means my advice will be more accurate,” she persisted, albeit half-heartedly.
“When’s the last time you hooked up with someone, Doc?”
She sucked in a breath. Sometimes Kevin seemed utterly and dorkily clueless. Then, he’d suddenly zing her with such perception that her teeth nearly rattled. “We’re talking about you, Kevin.”
“It’s okay, I’d like to hear more about you. Maybe I can learn from your mistakes and you can benefit from my war stories. We’d give each other romantic advice.”
“It wouldn’t be appropriate, Kevin.”
“You say that a lot now, that things are inappropriate.”
“Well, that’s because I need to set professional boundaries.” Petra stood up. “Kevin, I hope you find someone to talk to about these things. I can’t reciprocate, because I am your doctor, but I’m a good listener and I’m always looking out for you.”
She ushered him into her office and checked his welts. He pulled the sleeves of his sweatshirt down again before she could give him some cream. The shirt was too big for him and the material flapped around him like a pair of wings. He looked like a sad condor. “Thanks, Dr. Lale,” he mumbled, jamming his hat on his head. “You know,” he said, “you could always put a TV in the waiting room. That would distract me a lot.”
He clattered out.
Petra sighed and updated Kevin’s record. She called on her inner Hippocrates to tell her that she had handled Kevin correctly, but received little consolation from his soothing murmur.
She checked the clock. She was overdue for a phone call with her mom. She held her head and dialed slowly. Lisa answered on the first ring. “How’s business?”
“You sound chipper,” Petra said. “What’s up? Any distant relatives dying or on their deathbeds? Neighbors mistreating their animals? Sisters of mine cocking up in school?”
A pause. “Petra, you sound a little mean lately.”
“Maybe today I just sound the way I usually feel, Mom.”
“What’s wrong? Is it that practice of yours? You’re going under, aren’t you? Should I call Uncle Jeremy?”
“It’s fine. Birch and alder allergy season is beginning. You should go and hug a tree for me.”
Her mother wasn’t deterred. “It isn’t some boy is it?”
“It is definitely not a man. Remember Lisa Lale’s number one edict from on high? Men are not to be trusted to make a woman happy.”
“I have never said that.”
“I don’t have my Portable Lisa Lale with me, so it’s not an exact quotation, but I think I’m familiar with a number of variations on this theme.”
“Well, I shouldn’t have ever said anything like that.”
Uh-oh. Petra could only remember hearing that tone a few times in her life. “Mom, do you have something to tell me?”
A pause.
“I’ve started seeing someone. Actually, I didn’t want to tell you, because I wasn’t sure how it was going. We started dating almost six months ago.”
Petra closed her eyes.
“He’s a psychiatrist. Of course, it’s still early in the relationship. I don’t know how he feels about me yet. I’m no spring chicken, you know,” she said with an attempt at a light laugh. “I’m trying to be realistic. After all, we’ve both been through divorces, although his ex-wife sounds like a truly selfish person. She left him with an elderly dog who had to be put down and the closets haven’t been cleaned out in years. So many pantsuits. And she told their kids he would foot the bills for their phones.”
Petra murmured incoherently and shuffled papers on her desk. Her mother was dating? She was so confused.
“But it’s true, we’ve only been seeing each other for a short amount of time. I want to be realistic about this. We don’t agree on a lot of political issues. Israel is a big sticking point. And he seems to think that it’s okay to just throw everything in the trash: batteries, glue guns, old shirts, hairspray—”
“I don’t even want to know how you know this.”
“It’s troubling, isn’t it? But I don’t think it’s the sign of some deeper problem. He’s probably just lazy.”
At a different time, Lisa Lale would have argued that laziness was a deeper problem, Petra wanted to point out. But her mother was still talking.
“I was lonely, Petey. The hallway to my bedroom just echoes. I walk past your room and your sister’s and the doors are closed. They were always closed before, when you lived here, but now I know you two aren’t behind them. So, I went and I met a man online. I know it sounds so prurient, Petra, but it wasn’t one of those no-strings-attached things where we met for anonymous sex with paper bags over our heads—”
“Jesus, Mom!”
“I didn’t give him my last name or my phone number at first. I met him in a public place and I didn’t even let him so much as hold my hand until the end of the evening. But it felt so good just to talk with someone who was interesting and male and who was interested in me. I didn’t care if he was in it only for sex.”
“Mom.”
“Men aren’t that fussy, Petra. That’s something I did learn from marriage. Well, maybe they’ve got the right idea. Maybe I shouldn’t be so picky, either. Maybe I shouldn’t expect anything. I sound old and crazed and desperate, don’t I? I sound lonely. I swear, I never thought I’d end up like this, Petra. But sometimes, it is very hard. He has been very kind to me,” she added.
Petra finally spoke. “What’s his name?”
“It’s Jim. Jim Morrison. He showed me his driver’s license. I guess his name is actually James.”
Lisa laughed awkwardly, and so did Petra.
“Well, Mom,” Petra said, after a moment. “You snagged a rock star.” Her stomach felt sour. “I have to go now,” she added. “Just…take care of yourself, okay? And be careful that he doesn’t see your credit card statements. And your bank statements. Don’t give him your social security number.”
God, she sounded like her mother.
“Come visit,” Lisa said. “Maybe you can meet him.”
Joanie buzzed to tell her that her next patient had arrived. The rest of the afternoon passed in a pleasantly busy way, but as Petra cleared papers off her desk and pulled out her bags to go grocery shopping, she felt unsettled.
Her mother had her nascent, imperfect relationship. Kevin had a few ladies he was eying. She didn’t have anyone to look forward to. She was lonely.
As she locked the office, she traced her fingers along the name stenciled in the door. Petra Lale, MD. Even outside the office doors, she would not be allowed to
forget what she was, she realized with sudden anger. But what was she if she were not a physician? She had taken pride in her profession, in the fact that she healed people. She couldn’t dance. She was a lousy dresser. She couldn’t make small talk. At this one thing, this one important thing, she had been good, and she was grateful that she was good at it.
Until she met Ian Zamora.
As Kevin noted, she was also a lady. Unfortunately, her female parts and her doctor parts had fought. And now she was lonely. Beyond that, she was also possibly an ethically compromised person. After all, she had drooled over a patient who was giving her free food. If he thought she’d been harassing him, he could have had her license suspended.
Despite all of this, she still did think of him. She dreamed of his hand reaching for hers across the table of a restaurant. She wondered what he looked like without his glasses, what his hair looked like first thing in the morning. She wondered how his legs would feel against hers. She could almost imagine his warm rapid pulse, his mouth, a leisurely tongue. In dreams, he tasted like bourbon and cream.
She was allowed to dream about him, wasn’t she?
In the grocery store, she leaned her forehead against the cool door of the frozen food section. Originally, she had planned to eat lima beans, her version of comfort food, and watch Nova. But now, that sounded pathetic.
Petra pulled herself upright. Nothing had happened, after all. She hadn’t compromised herself with a patient. She hadn’t lost her license. Her practice hadn’t gone under. She had only hurt her heart, just a little. Her friends were awesome. She was going to be fine.
She put the lima beans back.
There was only one thing to do on a night like this. She dialed Sarah.
• • •
Ian fiddled with his tie. It was unlike him to be nervous, but on this evening, his life was about to change. He scrutinized himself in the mirror, then patted his neck again. No one would be looking at him, anyway.
The secret was to treat it like any other party, he thought. Never mind that it was a gathering of people who mattered to him, never mind that taking this step could ruin him. Stop being such a pessimist, he told himself. This is a happy occasion.