This was it. This was the way it used to be.
Chapter 4
I got lost in Drake the way I had before. His body was taut and muscular, hard in the right places but still, he handled me like I was delicate. His hands traveled over my body, exploring, touching remembering, and every part of me he touched came back to life again. I arched my back and writhed beneath his body.
My tank top was already above my breasts, exposing my bra. My chest rose and fell faster and faster as his eyes roamed my body. He was sitting up, now, straddling me and he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. I had never felt self-conscious around him.
Drake slid his arms around my waist and I automatically arched my back, letting him reach for the clasp of my bra. He pulled it away from my body and fiddled. Somewhere at the back of my mind, a small voice reminded me of everything Drake had done to me. Once my bra was off and it was skin against the skin it would be too late to turn back. You could stop sex until that moment.
And I had to stop this before it all happened again.
“Drake,” I said. My voice was breathy, hoarse, almost a whisper.
“Yeah, baby,” he said. He didn’t stop. His lips were on my neck, nibbling and kissing the skin.
“Drake, stop.”
He froze. He didn’t move, but he didn’t carry on, either.
“Please,” I added. “I can’t do this.”
Drake let go of my bra and it snapped on the skin of my back. I wriggled out from underneath him and pulled my top down, making myself decent again. I was worked up and panting. I wanted Drake so badly it ached. But if I did this again he would be able to ruin me again. I had barely survived the first round.
“Why?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Because I can’t keep doing this with you. I can’t give myself to you again only for you to leave.”
Drake sat back on the couch. He was still fully dressed. It had been all about my body, hadn’t it? God, nothing had changed.
“So, you’re telling me you don’t want this?”
I shook my head. “No. I do want it. I want it so much it’s dangerous. I just can’t do it again.”
Drake frowned and turned to face forward, his shoulder to me, now. He was slowly shutting me out.
“I don’t understand,” he said.
I sighed and rubbed my hands down my face. Of course, he wouldn’t understand. Why would he if he didn’t care?
“That’s exactly why I can’t do this,” I said.
“Because I don’t understand?” He looked at me, confused.
I rolled my eyes. I hated this. I was frustrated. I was angry. And somewhere below that lay my age-old resentment.
“Because this isn’t about anything other than sex.”
Drake looked at me, his expression unreadable.
“Well, I thought that was where we were going with this.”
I could scream. He was so damn irritating.
“Yes, Drake,” I said and I was aware of how cold I sounded. “And then you would walk out of the door again and I wouldn’t see you for another ten years because you got what you wanted.”
He frowned. “That’s not how it was,” he said.
“You keep saying that. Tell me that it’s not what you came here for, today.”
He opened his mouth and closed it again without saying anything. It was because I was right. He couldn’t deny that it was about sex.
“You see?”
It was a small victory. This time, I had the upper hand. I was denying him before he could deny me.
Drake shook his head again. He did a lot of that today.
“That’s not all it was about,” he said. “Not then, and not now.”
I pursed my lips, raised my eyebrows.
“Really?” I sounded sarcastic rather than curious.
Drake sighed and scratched the back of his head like he didn’t know where to find words or what to say.
“I can’t stay away from you,” he said. “When I saw you the other day… I just had to see you again. I can’t just stay away.”
“That didn’t seem to hard the first time,” I said.
Drake winced like it hurt.
“It’s not how it was,” he said.
“You keep saying that!” I said, my voice rising. “That’s not enough for me, Drake. You left me after you got what you wanted and I had to figure out how to put myself back together. You let me believe you loved me.”
“I did!” he cried out.
“Then why did you leave, huh? Why did you run away and leave me behind when we’d said we would do it together?”
Drake looked at his hands. I couldn’t read his expression. He looked like I’d cornered him. But that would mean that he had a heart and he’d proved to me a long time ago that it wasn’t the way things worked with him.
“I left because I had to,” he said.
I snorted. “Thanks, that makes me feel so much better.”
Drake was getting angry. I knew I was attacking him. I was pushing him to give me an answer, a reason why he’d abandoned me. Years of pent up anger were starting to leak out, now, and I couldn’t help it.
“I loved you,” Drake said. “I loved you so much it scared me. I’m not…” he took a deep breath and blew it out with a shudder. “I wasn’t the kind of guy you deserved. I was full of shit and going nowhere. And I loved you and I didn’t want to be the one to ruin you. What I felt for you – what I could do to your future because of it – scared me.”
“So, you left?” It didn’t make sense. “You left because you loved me?”
Drake nodded slowly. I blinked at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying. Why wouldn’t he talk to me about it, though? Why wouldn’t he have told me that? And what was he doing back here now, then, trying to get into my pants again if it was about who I was and not what I looked like?
“Come with me,” Drake said.
“What?” He was changing topics on me and it was too fast and too serious for me to keep up. “Where?”
“Anywhere. Away. I want to travel – leave this place behind and find a new place to build a life. Let’s do what we said we would do. Together. Let me prove it to you.”
I stared at him. He wanted me to get up and leave everything behind? My new job, my Mama and my sisters? And for what?
“Why would I do that?” I asked.
“Because I thought I would be able to forget about you, but I couldn’t. And when I saw you again on Monday, with that godforsaken car smoking in the middle of the road, I realized I couldn’t live without you, either. It had all been a big lie, me convincing myself it was for the best.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t play this game. Drake was offering me something that could break me forever – hope. He was willing to let me hope that some of this was true, that there was still something I could hold onto. And if he took that away, too? What would become of me?
“Get out,” I said. My voice was calm, level. It was a miracle considering the storm that raged inside me.
“What?” He sounded genuinely shocked.
“Get out of my house. Out of my life,” I said again. I had to be strong if I wanted to save myself.
Drake hesitated like he wasn’t sure I was being serious. I clenched my jaw and glared at him. I didn’t speak – I would cry if I opened my mouth. Drake seemed to get the picture, though. He slowly got up.
“Joanna,” he started.
“I need you to leave,” I said.
I walked to the door and opened it for him. The quicker he left the better. Drake nodded solemnly and walked away from me, stepping through the front door. The day was starting to color with the shades of sunset, oranges and reds bleeding into the sky. The scenery was beautiful but I didn’t pay any attention to it at all. I watched Drake’s broad back as he walked away from me to his ridiculous bike. He got on, switched on the engin
e and turned around.
Turn around, turn around, I willed him. I wanted him to look at me just one last time.
He didn’t. He opened the throttle and his bike roared, whipping him into the pending night. I wouldn’t ever see him again.
And this time, it was all my fault.
I couldn’t hold it all back any longer. Tears rolled over my cheeks. I turned back to the house and closed the door behind me. I leaned against it and sank to the floor, clutching my stomach.
I cried. I cried for the man I’d lost. I cried for the man I’d never had.
I didn’t know how long I sat against the door, crying. Slowly, my tears dried up and an emptiness swallowed me whole. The house got darker and darker as the day bled away. I didn’t get up to switch on any lights. I didn’t get supper ready. I sat there in the increasing darkness feeling like it resembled my life.
When I heard Mama’s keys in the door I snapped back to reality and scrambled away from the door before it opened. Mama reached for the switch and the room flooded with light. She jumped when she saw me.
“Joanna, you’re home early,” she said, clutching her chest. She frowned, taking in my tearstained face. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
I shook my head. I wanted to say something but my words caught in my throat and instead of being a big girl and telling Mama what had upset me so much, I started crying again. So much for growing up.
Mama put her bag down on the floor and took my hand, leading me to the couch.
“Is it that boy?” she asked.
I nodded.
“I thought so,” she said. “The last time you looked like this it was his fault, too.”
She sighed and rubbed my back. I sat next to Mama and thought about Drake. His words echoed in my mind.
I loved you so much it scared me.
He’d said it was because of what he felt for me that he’d left. How could I believe that? How could I trust him?
Mama sat with me until I calmed down. When I was ready to talk, I turned to her.
“How did you know daddy was the one?” I asked.
Mama’s face paled a little. We didn’t talk about my dad. It hurt to bring him up.
“Well,” she said after a while. “I couldn’t forget about him, no matter how hard I tried. I chose to make a life with him because a life without him would have been impossible.”
That was exactly how I’d felt about Drake. I’d been a child, then. But I still felt like that, now. What did that mean?
“What did he do to you?” Mama asked after a while. She watched my face, carefully.
“He told me he loved me,” I said, not looking at her. She was quiet for a while. I glanced at her. She was frowning.
“That’s what upset you so much?” she asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if it’s true. He said he couldn’t stay away from me. He wanted me to go with him.”
“Where?” Mama sounded a little alarmed.
“I don’t know. Somewhere we can build a life, he said. Together.”
Mama didn’t say anything. She just sat with me. My head was spinning. I didn’t know what to do. Every part of me protested it because he could hurt me again, and if I was away from my support network – Mama – how would I cope?
But he’d hurt me by leaving me behind. And this time he wanted to take me with him. A part of me – a small part buried deep down inside – wanted to go. Not just because of Drake, even though being with him sounded like a slice of heaven, but because the freedom was something I wanted. I wanted to be able to break away from the responsibility of keeping a family of four afloat. I wanted to get away from being the mom who looked after everyone and being the dad who provided for everyone. I wanted to have a chance to be young again.
“Do you love him?” Mama asked suddenly and the question knocked me from left field.
“What?” I asked, my voice thin.
“Do you love him?
I gaped at her.
“What do you mean?”
My mom shrugged. She’d never liked Drake. She’d hated him even more when he’d broken my heart. Why would she ask me what I felt for him if she didn’t agree with it?
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“It’s not a difficult question, sweetheart,” she said. “When you love someone, you can’t really stop it from happening. If your heart wants to go, you should go.”
I looked up at her.
“I can’t,” I said. “What about you and the girls? Lydia and Cindy? Who’s going to take care of you guys?”
My mom put her hand on my cheek. “Not you,” she said. “It’s not your job. I can do it. I’ve looked after the three of you for years. Yes, youhelping out with part-time jobs has been great. But I’m not going to stop you from living your life, and you shouldn’t feel obliged to make something your responsibility when it wasn’t yours to begin with. You’re free to go, honey.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d been working my ass off through college to give my sisters a better future, to allow my mom to sit back and relax a little. Every part of my future had included them, had been for them. Now… I could go? It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. For the first time ever, I was free.
“I’m not saying you can’t stay, honey. You’ll always be welcome here. And I’ll miss you like nothing else when you go. But if he loves you and you love him, and you believe it might work, then you should give it a chance.”
I hugged her. This woman had been a source of irritation and a source of strength simultaneously throughout my whole life. It had been me and her against the world since the moment my dad had passed away. Now she was giving me something I’d never thought I would be able to reach.
She gave me my life.
“I’m going to start on supper,” she said. “Why don’t you go take a shower, relax?”
I nodded. She got up and left the room and I did as she suggested. I walked into the bathroom and let the hot water run while trying to make a sense of everything that had happened this afternoon. I had permission from my mom to leave, but could I do that? Could I leave the life I had committed myself to, behind? I didn’t know that Mama and my sisters would make it without me.
And what if it didn’t work with Drake? Once upon a time, I’d thought I knew him. It had turned out I was wrong. Ten years had passed. I was someone else, now. And who was he? If I hadn’t known him then, there was no chance I would know him, now.
Going after him, leaving with him, would be like falling into an abyss. I would be jumping with my eyes closed, not knowing if he was the man he said he was; if he was the man that would catch me. And I knew I wouldn’t survive a fall again. Not when it was so big.
I stepped under the hot spray of the shower and the heat relaxed me.
The past week has been so tense. I was trying very hard to get a job and then keep it. What if I gave it up, now? What would I do for my future? I needed to start building a career. I had to make sure there was enough money so that I didn’t live this life, fighting to survive, for the rest of my years. I had no idea if I would land another job like this again. And I didn’t know enough to start my own business, not to mention having finances for it.
I couldn’t go. There was no way I would be able to take that risk. Putting everything together – not knowing Drake, only being at the start of my career, leaving Mama and my sisters – made it all seem too big. I wasn’t going to do it. I was right to tell him to go.
I shampooed my hair and rinsed it before I closed off the water and stepped out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around my body and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I looked different. The bright-eyed teenager was gone. Life had started to take its toll on me and it was just the beginning. I had made my decision, but for some reason, I didn’t feel any lighter.
In fact, I felt worse.
Chapter 5
I spent t
he next week at work feeling going through the motions without thinking about anything. Twice, Sonya reprimanded me for doing the wrong thing. The third time she threatened that she would find someone better, that I was still on probation and I could lose my job easier than I’d found it.
I knew it was a threat that was supposed to get me into gear but the truth was I was starting to wonder if it wouldn’t be better to lose it and be done with it. I didn’t enjoy my job. Sure, it was a source of income and it was what I’d always thought I wanted to do. I still had a dream of chasing justice and helping those who couldn’t help themselves. But Sonya was a pain in the ass and Drake was on my mind all the time, no matter how hard I tried to forget about him.
Bad Boys Rule Page 3