Worthy of Me

by Ramnath, Yajna

  “Allison, come meet Mia,” Mrs. Kingston called.

  Allison’s gaze snapped to mine and immediately her smile dropped. Oh boy. Allison took small and slow steps to get to me. An on-looker would think she was shy, maybe even hesitant. I knew from the glint in her eyes and the pursing of her lips that she was taking my measure. I knew the exact moment she decided she didn’t like me.

  “Hi,” she snapped.

  I nodded at her and walked away to Mrs. Kingston’s side. “Is there anywhere I could leave my scarf and jacket?”

  “Here, I’ll help,” Aiden appeared out of nowhere. He grasped my hand and took me to the closet I hadn’t seen when we entered the foyer.

  Staring into my eyes, he removed my scarf, slid my jacket off and hung both up. Reaching up, he cupped my face in both his hands and stared down at me. His thumbs traced over my bottom lip and he leaned closer. My heart was beating out of its chest as if to remind me it still works despite my callous words form earlier that day.

  “You’re beautiful,” he murmured.

  I was sure that he was going to kiss me. Some part of me wanted him to. But a clearing of a throat alerted us to Allison’s presence at the end of the hall. Sighing, Aiden slipped off my beanie and then brushed my hair back.

  We made our way silently back to the dining area, my hand was still firmly clasped in Aiden’s. I had mixed feelings about that. One part of me felt this was encouraging him and another part felt complete and at ease.

  Lunch proceeded in an expected fashion. We served salads and grilled chicken while Aiden’s parents got to know me. Or tried to. Allison had something to say about everything.

  “So, Mia, where are you formerly from?” Mr. Kingston asked.

  “A small town in South Africa,” I replied while taking a bite of my meal.

  Enter Allison. “You moved from all across the world and to another small town? Why would you do that?”

  I shrugged, taking a sip of water. “Personal reasons.”

  “Right,” Mrs. Kingston interjected. “And what do your parents do?”

  I swallowed hard and took my time answering. “My father is in business and my mom is a stay at home mom.”

  I didn’t feel the need to add that they both didn’t live together. It didn’t seem like their business. Of course Allison didn’t think that.

  “And they just let to come here? I mean why here?”

  I looked at Aiden who frowned at Allison. “Yes they just let me come here. As for why here, I was interested in Michigan Tech.”

  “But why? I meant here are so many universities all around the world with better programmes than that and so many that offer in house—”

  I cut her off. “So that’s your problem with me? That I’m living with your brother?”

  Allison’s cheeks flushed red. “Yes. It is. I don’t like you.”

  “Allison!” the three remaining Kingston's exclaimed.

  “No it’s alright,” I replied. “You don’t know me, Allison, and whatever reason I have to be here and to live with your brother is my decision. That he has offered me a place is his decision. Seeing as you’re not the one whom the living arrangements concern, I don’t need to explain myself to you.”

  Allison’s mouth dropped open and all eyes were on me.

  “As for your obvious objection to my relationship with your brother, let me make it clear for you; there isn’t one. He is my landlord, roommate and my boss. At times he’s even a really good friend that helped me when I most needed it,” I said while wiping my hands on a napkin. “Thank you Mr and Mrs. Kingston, lunch was delicious. Aiden if you can lend me your phone, I’ll grab a cabbie and go home.”

  Without waiting for any further replies I walked away and headed to the front door. I stood against the car and fiddled with my phone reading texts form Dianna about her date and how she needed to go out tonight to work of the obvious sexual tension that rose between her and the mystery guy.

  A few minutes later, Aiden came to the car and opened my door for me. Deciding to choose my battles, I hopped in without a word. He did the same and soon we were on our way to the house. Once there, I quickly turned the heat up and made sure all the windows were closed so it stayed in. flitting about the kitchen I prepared a quick lunch since I didn’t eat anything besides a few bites.

  Aiden shuffled into the kitchen and sat on one of the kitchen stools.

  “I’m so sorry about Allison,” Aiden began. “She’s never been like that.”

  “What she didn’t have a third degree for all your other girlfriends?” I asked while keeping my attention on the cheese I was grating.

  “Nope, you were the first girl I brought home.”

  That made me pause, and look at Aiden. “Excuse me?”

  “I’ve never taken a girl home before,” he shrugged.

  “Not even a highschool sweetheart?” I asked incredulously.

  “No, I was pretty much a bastard then,” Aiden chuckled.

  “I hear that hasn’t changed much. Especially the girls you had coming here.”

  Aiden winced at that. “Yeah, I guess I have a tendency to be a bastard.”

  “Hey, I’m not one to judge. God knows I’ve been around,” I glanced away setting my cheese sandwich into the grill.

  “Seriously though, I am sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” I smiled. “She does get it from you.”

  Aiden laughed probably remembering the first day we met. “So let me make it up to you? Dinner tonight?”

  I shook my head. “No. I’m meeting Dianna tonight.” I watched as Aiden looked like I kicked his puppy and continued to beat it to a pulp. “Tomorrow?”

  A smile lit up his face stopping my heart in the process. “Tomorrow it is!”

  Chapter Eight

  “I don’t get it,” Dianna frowned. “If he’s into you then what’s the problem?”

  I sighed. “He’s my boss and my landlord. If we sleep together then there after things would get awkward. I really cannot afford awkward in my life right now.”

  Dianna had her lips wrapped around a straw in her sex on the beach drink. She frowned at me. “What makes you think that sleeping with you is all he wants?”

  “What else could he want?” I rolled my eyes, sipping on my coke.

  “Uh, oh, I don’t know… a relationship?”

  I snorted very unlady like. “Right.”

  “All I’m saying is that give him a chance to lay all his cards on the table and then you can decide whether or not you want to let him go or not,” Dianna left the table and sashayed onto the dance-floor.

  Rage became our usual weekend haunt. Today we were here mostly because Dianna wanted to hook up with someone else to relieve the sexual tension she felt on her date earlier that day. I know, I asked her the same thing! If you went on a date and felt a connection why would sleep with someone else?

  “I have needs,” she had replied.

  Watching her on the dance-floor I think back to the time when I was just the same. I didn’t sleep around, I would disrespect myself like that, but I flirted… a lot.

  ***

  Five Years Earlier…

  Sweet sixteen, what a big joke! My so called party was a disaster. Mom took my friends and me out to a casino and games area where we enjoyed a night of fun. I had fun with my friends we drank and partied up in one of the rooms. It was incredible that was until my mother got drunk and started embarrassing me. It was the third birthday I spent crying the night away. But I didn’t care anymore I had to deal with it. One day I’d leave it all behind.

  I was at a party with my ‘best friend’ we reconciled after she and Prince Charming split. We weren’t as close anymore but she was my escape from the hellhole I called home. So I spent every weekend bouncing from party to party with her. I finally came out of my shell and changed my looks. My long brown hair was cut short and into layers with blonde highlights. I started dressing in tight clothes even though I was too skinny, I still managed to look good
.

  I flirted with every guy that was cute enough and receptive enough. I used to believe that kisses were special, kisses meant something. After the Prince Charming incident kisses meant nothing. I gave them out freely.

  The girl that was nervous when a guy held her hand was long gone. Now guys’ hands were travelling to all parts of my body. I didn’t care anymore. I liked that fleeting moment of being wanted. I was fast learning that a guy would be the sweetest thing since sugar when he wanted to get into your panties. They were all sweet words and false promises, once they got in and got out, they were gone. In my case, I didn’t let them get into my panties and that was how I was dubbed the town’s bitch. All because I wouldn’t give it up to just anyone.

  I could’ve cleared up the rumours. Every time someone spoke about me, attaching me to some guy with an R rated play by play about what they think happened—I could have stopped it. I could’ve retaliated when people claimed I was exactly like my father because of my inability to stick with one guy. I laughed it all off, no matter how hard it cut, I laughed it off.

  How could I refute what they were saying? It was all true, in fact my mom never failed to remind me every day how much I wasn’t wanted. How much of a burden I was.

  ***

  Present Day…

  I stared out the window wondering what a sunny yet cold day would allow me to wear for a date. I had no idea why Aiden wanted to go so early in the day. I slid on a pair of charcoal grey jeans, a black long-sleeved sequined top with a grey woollen scarf. I left my hair in a curly mass and decided to go less on the make-up, settling for mascara and lip-gloss.

  Aiden was leaning against the bottom of the stairwell as I came down. I hated how his face lit up when he saw me. I hated how gorgeous he looked with the dimpled smile and the blazing blue eyes. I hated how well his white t-shirt clung to his body leaving very little to the imagination. I hated how well his jeans held his strong thighs and impressive ass. I just hated him for being so nice to me. Didn’t he know I was wrong for him? Allison could tell him that.

  “Your chariot awaits, sunshine,” he grinned.

  I rolled my eyes and slid into the Volvo. It was absolutely neat, there wasn’t even one stray wrapper or a pair of clothes left in the backseat. The car smelt as if it was just bought, but I knew that wasn’t the case when I saw the ‘new car smell’ air freshener.

  “So wherefore art thou taketh me?” I asked while watching the town fly passed us.

  “Oh, just hear and there, relax I don’t plan on taking you to a forest and killing you,” Aiden chuckled.

  “So what’s your favourite colour?” Aiden asked.

  My head snapped in his direction. “What?”

  “Your favourite colour?”

  I blinked at him at a loss of words.

  “Geez, Mia, it’s not rocket science. It’s a question!” Aiden grumbled.

  “Blue?”

  Aiden sighed and turned away from me, keeping his gaze on the road. “I don’t understand you. You walk around like you have everything under control but you don’t.”

  My anger rose fast. “What the hell does that mean?”

  “It means we all have a past. Some worse than others and we can do one of two things; let it define us or outcome the very things that brought us down,” Aiden gave me a fleeting glance. “And you are sadly stuck on number one.”

  “You don’t know any—”

  “You’re right, I don’t know anything about you. But I’m trying to. You can’t even answer a simple question as your favourite colour. You go around snapping at people and acting all tough when the truth is... you’re just scared,” Aiden stopped the car. “I genuinely like you without even knowing you well enough, I thought that there was some truth to this strong exterior of yours. Guess I was wrong.”

  Tears threatened to fall but I didn’t let them. Crying didn’t work. It never did.

  You want me to give you a reason to cry?

  I flinched. I hated those memories creeping up on me.

  “You should go,” Aiden said in a clipped voice.

  It was only then that I realised he had somehow turned the car around and brought us back home. The sadness was etched into every line on his face. Even his ever present dimples were a no show. I silently got out of the car and made my way to the door. I unlocked it and stepped inside; I turned around thinking Aiden was going to follow in behind me but instead he fishtailed his car out of the yard and sped away.

  I flopped on my bed and stared at the ceiling. It was decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars. Aiden had helped me put them up when I was bored one night. He teased me mercilessly about them. I felt something wet at my temples. It was tears. Tears I hadn’t shed in forever.

  I turned on my side and thought of the last time I tried to put all my faith in a guy.

  ***

  Three Years Earlier…

  Kade was amazing. He was drop dead gorgeous with a personality to match. Yeah sometimes he had this vanity thing going on about his looks, but he was good to me. With his dark hair, chiselled looks and a soft voice that made me swoon, he managed to become the most important person in my life.

  We spent every single day together, he always knew what I was thinking and although it was creepy; it made me think of things like forever. Slowly, I stopped doing things that made me who I was. I stopped flirting with guys, I stopped drinking, I stopped hanging out with my friends, and more importantly? I was becoming everything he wanted me to become. I don’t think he did it on purpose but I guess every time he told me he didn’t like something—I tried to get rid of that something.

  He was the first guy I said ‘I love you’ to after so many years of being lied and cheated on. He was the first guy I didn’t mind kissing in public. He was the first guy I spent a night with. I wanted him to finally be my first. It was a decision we both made.

  I told my mom about him and she had allowed us to spend lots of time together. Mom was on the mend and slowly leaving the alcohol, she was becoming the mom I wished had been with me throughout my life. Better late than never, I say.

  Kade never told his parents about me. He said something about his mom and dad being so strict that they would have an issue with it. He didn’t even want to show it off on Facebook or even on the chat sites we used to frequent together.

  I was so used to being everyone’s dirty little secret that I didn’t let it get to me. I pretended as if it didn’t hurt me that he wouldn’t take a risk with me. I mean you risk whatever you can when you really love someone right?

  Wrong.

  A few months into our relationship he needed to leave to go back to his hometown for the holidays. His hometown happened to be four hours away so I knew I wouldn’t see him for two months. The night before he left we cried in each other’s arms. It felt so real. He told me he was going to try and speak to his parents, tell them about me. I was excited and scared. Kade left the next morning and we spoke everyday for the next few weeks.

  And then everything changed…

  Kade was hardly replying to my texts, always making excuses when I tried calling him, and always on the chat sites when I wasn’t. He was drifting further away from me. I asked him whether we should break up but he said no, he loved me, he didn’t want to break up with me. I believed him.

  Until I found out he came back for a concert with another girl. A girl he claimed was a family friend. A girl I knew liked him and was ten times prettier than myself. I was gutted. He broke up with me over a text and soon I found out he was dating someone else. He had published it everywhere on all the chat sites and even Facebook. I wasn’t good enough.

  I just wasn’t good enough.

  I stopped living then. I was close to ending it all but my pride stepped in the way. I didn’t want to be known as the girl who killed herself over a worthless guy. I stopped meeting up with friends, I stopped texting and I stopped—being.

  Bria started talking to me again so I stayed with her for a while. I spent all my t
ime sleeping or playing with her kids. Anything to distract myself. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. It was true… I wasn’t wanted.

  My dad left.

  My mom tried her hardest to leave.

  My sisters left.

  My friends left.

  Kade left.

  Eight Months Later…

  I got my first job. It was fun getting to know people and being a bit independent. At nineteen you’d think I was actually independent but I still depended on my parents to do things for me. my future was botched up because I wasn’t doing what dad what, so I had to make do with what I was given.

  Mom started her drinking again. It was hard coming home every day from work to find her drunk and have her swearing me after a day of being on my feet and dealing with strangers who also felt the need to swear and shout at me. Dad was MIA as usual. I learned to live without him though. He contacted me when he felt the need to and I just kept my hopes to a non-existent level.

  Kade was still trying to contact me and send me messages. He felt we should be friends. I couldn’t do that though. I had become numb over the months. I was back to flirting, and I started hanging out with friends again. Kade had sent me a message saying he still loves me and I snapped.

  Not in a good way.

  The girls often talked about this guy named Shane. He was a womaniser and left as soon as he got what he wanted from a girl. I set my sights on him and started flirting with him. I knew he had about two other girls that he was stringing along but I didn’t care. I needed to get Kade out of my head and what better way than to start a game with a guy who thought he had one up over me?

  Shane laid it on thick. He said all the right things and even went so far as to saying he loved me. Little did he know all those sweet nothings, and those three words, meant nothing to me at all. He made all the first moves. He fetched me and took me out clubbing. When we made out one night he put a stop all on his own thinking that he would be buying himself brownie points. My mind was already made up though.