by L.H. Cosway
We said our goodbyes and I left the station, ordering a cab on my phone. I was going to visit my best friend in the whole world, enjoy some peaceful quiet, and get my head on straight.
“Where’s the nearest airport?” I asked the driver when my cab arrived.
“Exeter’s about forty minutes away.”
With an ache in my chest, I replied, “Perfect. Take me there.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ellen
I woke up early the next morning after a measly three hours of sleep. I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. My eye sockets hurt from so much crying, and my muscles panged with exhaustion. After I left the wedding, I wrote a cheque and left it on the porch for Julian to find, alongside his suitcase.
I’d been angry. Foolish and bull-headed.
I went downstairs. His suitcase was gone, but the envelope had been left behind.
The regret that filled me was monumental.
I’d been so upset that I’d acted impulsively and irrationally. Yes, I technically owed Julian that money, but it was the wrong way to go about it. It was cold and heartless, mean-spirited, but the way he ended our relationship had been cold and heartless, too. Sure, he’d seemed regretful, miserable even, but he still did it. He must’ve felt what was happening between us. It couldn’t have been all one-sided.
My stomach churned as I went into the living room and found my dad sitting on the couch. He looked tired, too, his hair ruffled, grey bags under his eyes. I felt terrible for ruining his wedding day. Well, maybe I didn’t exactly ruin it, but I definitely made it less than perfect.
“D-dad. What are you doing here? I thought you had a flight to catch.” He and Shayla were supposed to be spending two weeks in the Maldives for their honeymoon.
“It doesn’t leave for a few more hours,” he said and patted the space beside him. “Come here. We need to have a talk.”
Exhaling heavily, I went and sat next to him. I still wore my dress from yesterday, only now it was crumpled and stained with snot and tears. I may have used it to wipe my face during my middle of the night cry-athon.
“Dad, I’m so sorry I ran off yesterday. I just couldn’t face everyone after what Shayla said.”
He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in tight. His warmth was a comfort I hadn’t known I needed.
“She shouldn’t have said what she did. I already had a word with her about it.”
I pulled back to look up at him in surprise. “You did?”
Dad let out a tired breath. “Shayla’s a good woman, Ellen. She’s good for me, and she is actually very fond of you, but believe it or not, tact is not her strong suit.”
She was fond of me? This was news.
“I was so embarrassed by what she said, Dad. You must think I’m pathetic.”
“Ellen, I would never think that. You’re my only daughter and I love you.”
I sniffed. “Yes, but…she made me sound like such a naïve idiot. Like a silly little girl being conned out of her money, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Julian and I started out as friends. Yes, he’s an escort, but that doesn’t…” I paused, took a deep breath. “That doesn’t really have anything to do with what was between us. He’s helped me more than you could ever know.”
It was the truth. Whatever Julian and I had, it was real. No part of it was contrived, and there was nothing anyone could say to change that.
Or maybe I was just fooling myself. Maybe every woman he was with felt this way after he left them.
Dad pushed a strand of hair away from my face, his voice gentle. “Do you think I can’t see that? I can see the change in you, Ellen. You’re more confident than you’ve ever been.”
Hearing him say that meant a lot. It meant that the way Julian made me feel wasn’t all in my head. He really had helped me, even if he’d abandoned me in the end.
I blew my nose with a piece of tissue. “Yes, well, what Shayla said made Julian sound seedy, but I was a living a shell of a life before he came along. I couldn’t talk to people. I could barely handle it when customers came into the bookshop to make a purchase. I’ve been this way my entire life. I thought I was condemned to always be like that until Julian showed me the strength hidden inside me.”
Dad blinked, and it looked like he was holding back tears. In all my life, I’d only ever seen my father cry a handful of times, so to see that emotion in him now really did a number on me. He looked away, trying to get himself together.
“You remember what I was like as a kid?” I went on. “I couldn’t talk to anyone, and when I did, I went into panic mode every time. Over the years it’s gotten a little better, but not by much.” I let out a joyless laugh. “I must’ve been born defective or something.”
“Please don’t talk about yourself like that, Ellen. You went through so much, losing your mother.”
“But I don’t even remember her. When I look at pictures, I might as well be looking at a stranger.”
Dad fell silent and I studied him. He appeared to have something to say but was conflicted.
“Dad, what is it?”
He leaned forward and held his head in his hands, not replying. When he finally sat back, I got a chill down my spine, because there were horrors in his eyes, horrors and regrets and infinite sadness.
“I always told the three of you that your mother died in a car accident, because it was easier. There was no way to tell a child the truth. But then, as you grew older, it got even harder. I didn’t want to explain why I lied, so I just went on allowing you to believe it.”
Wait, what?
“You lied?” I asked in disbelief.
He looked miserable, but then, he seemed determined to see this through, to tell me the truth. My entire body tensed as if for a blow.
“I took Nick with me to work one Saturday, and your mother stayed home with you and Cameron. You were only a toddler, barely two years old, and Cameron was about to turn five. Three men broke into the house, intending to steal our valuables. I still don’t know exactly what happened, but the police pieced it together.”
He paused to draw breath, like the pain was still fresh. My heart pounded. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. All my life I’d known that certain facts were true, and now they were being flipped on their head.
When Dad spoke again, he took my hand in his. His warm palms were a soothing contrast to the awful story he told. “The police said your mother must’ve walked in on the thieves. One of them struck her on the head with a blunt object. They might not have intended to kill her, only incapacitate her, but the blow was fatal. It was hours before I got home with Nick and found you all. They’d tied Cameron up and locked him in the bathroom. He was shaken and traumatised, but he hadn’t witnessed his mother’s death, didn’t really know had happened. But you…”
“But I?” I prompted, heart in my throat. I had a sick feeling I knew what was coming, but I daren’t believe it.
“I found you on the floor, in the same room where your mother’s body lay lifeless, crying your eyes out. Up until that day, you had started to speak. Your development was on a level with any other two-year-old. You were just starting to form sentences. But after… after you went quiet, never spoke. For a full year you were silent, only making a sound when something upset you and you cried. When you finally did start talking again, it was only to me, Cameron, or Nick. With anyone outside the family, you were mute until after you started school.”
Tears rose to the surface. The very fact of who I was suddenly made sense after twenty-nine years of life. And Cameron, God, was this why he was so unhappy all the time? Were we still suffering from post-traumatic stress, even after all these years?
I stood and walked to the window, looking out at the view. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling a chill, letting the facts my father had just revealed sink in. A vision of the break-in went through my head; Mum’s fear, my terror, and poor Cameron being tied up.
“What about the men who did it? Did th
ey catch them?”
Dad exhaled. “Yes, several months later they caught them after another robbery a few towns away. They went to prison. It was a small justice when compared with the fact I’d lost my wife, the mother of my children.”
A tear fell down my cheek. “Oh, Dad.”
He sucked in a breath. “It was a long time ago, but sometimes the memory is still so fresh.”
I frowned sadly, then an awful thought struck. “Did it happen here?”
Dad rubbed a hand over his face. “No. I moved us away soon after your mum passed. It was too hard to stay in a place where such awful things had happened, and I…I feared someone might say something to you kids as you got older. Here, nobody knew us. It was a fresh start.”
“Good.” I was glad I hadn’t grown up there, and that my dad had the means to move us away. Still, my brothers needed to know the truth, and it had to be Dad who told them.
“You need to tell Nick and Cam,” I said quietly.
“I know, and I will when the time is right. I’m so sorry I never told you, Ellen. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings, but I love you so much and I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for you. In my foolishness, I thought the lie was better for you than the truth.”
I turned to look at him. “Maybe it was better. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like having that knowledge at a young age. It could’ve messed me up even worse.”
“You’re not angry?”
My heart clenched at the vulnerability in his eyes. “Why would I be angry? None of what happened is your fault. You tried to protect us. You were alone in the world with three small children and you did what you thought was best.”
“Ellen,” Dad choked on my name, his eyes shiny with unshed tears.
I returned to the couch and wrapped my arms around him. We stayed like that for several minutes, just holding each other. Dad had always been my pal and confidante, but he usually just let me talk. Now he’d been the one to reveal things and I felt closer to him than I’d ever been before.
“This Julian, I don’t know the full nature of your relationship, but I do know what a man looks like when he loves a woman, Ellen.”
I drew away. “Don’t say that, Dad. We’ve ended things, so telling me that only makes it hurt more.”
“Do you love him?” he asked.
“I…I don’t know. I feel like I do, but I don’t know exactly what love is supposed to feel like.”
“Is he the first person you want to see every morning, and the last you want to see at night? When you have news, is he the first person you want to tell?”
Yes, yes and yes.
Still, I shook my head. “I’m not sure. You’re being very understanding about all this, by the way.”
“Most of us, when we get to a certain age, we learn to stop judging people. You also want your children to be happy, no matter what. If he’s what makes you happy, Ellen, then that’s all I care about.”
He didn’t care about his profession?
Who was this open-minded man who talked freely about emotions, and what had he done with my stoic, awkward, manly man of a father?
“I don’t know what’s going to happen between us now,” I said sadly.
Dad rubbed my shoulders. “I’m always here if you need me, Ellen. And you can stay for as long as you like if you’re not ready to go back to London yet.”
I arched an eyebrow. “I’m not sure Shayla will be too happy to have me hanging around.”
“Shayla won’t mind.” Dad paused and sucked in a deep breath. “She’s very sorry for how she acted yesterday.”
“Yes, well, there’s nothing any of us can do to change it now.”
“She’s outside in the car. She’d like to apologize in person, if you’ll allow it.”
Oh, hell. Shayla was the last person I wanted to see right now, but the fact she’d waited outside in the car for the past hour made me feel bad. Not much, but a little. Then again, she deserved some discomfort after what she put me through.
“I don’t really want to see her, Dad.”
“That’s all right. You don’t have to.”
I looked at him and guilt ate at me. I didn’t want him going off on his honeymoon with this hanging over him, so I relented, emitting a long breath. “Fine. I’ll let her say her piece.”
I followed Dad outside. Shayla looked anxious when she saw us emerge. Good.
She got out of the car and came right over to me, as though to give me a hug. I stood back, my posture defensive. We definitely weren’t there yet. Not by a long shot.
“Oh, Ellen, I can’t apologise enough for my behaviour yesterday. You must think me a horrible woman.”
“I think you should’ve spoken to me privately. If you had, I would’ve been able to tell you that Julian had not taken advantage of me in any way. Whatever was between us, it was completely consensual and my own business as a grown, almost thirty-year-old woman.”
“You’re right. You’re old enough to know your own mind. But I know how much your father cares for you. He worries about you living in London all by yourself. I just got a little carried away, thinking I was doing the right thing. I hope you’ll find it in you to forgive me.”
My expression was hard. “It’s a bit early for forgiveness.”
She sniffled. “Yes, I understand. Maybe we can work towards it over time.”
I relented a little. “Maybe.”
“I’d like that, Ellen. And thank you for coming and hearing me out.”
I nodded, went to give Dad one last hug and wished him an enjoyable honeymoon.
After they left, I finally peeled off yesterday’s dress and climbed into the shower. The hot water washed away some of my tension, but I still felt torn open on the inside. Even if I did love Julian, he didn’t love me. Sure, he cared about me, but it wasn’t the same.
The idea that we were done shot an arrow through my insides. Then there was the story of what really happened to Mum. I had this constant pain in my stomach over it, imagining how terrified she’d been, how quickly you could end a life. My entire being ached, and I just wanted to fast-forward to a time when I didn’t feel this way anymore.
When I got out of the shower, I dried off and put on some clean pyjamas, planning to drown my sorrows in junk food and romcoms.
I’d just brought all my pillows and duvet down to the living room when the front door opened. Nick walked in, a paper bag in hand. “I’m here with breakfast, a sympathetic ear, and a shoulder to cry on. Any takers?”
I really did love him.
We sat and talked for hours. I told him everything, all about Elodie, and how I met Julian, the entire story of our relationship from beginning to end. Nick didn’t judge, instead he seemed fascinated with it all. He’d always thought he was the adventurous one in our family, the one who took chances, threw caution to the wind. But it seemed I had a bit of an adventurous streak in me, too.
“I can’t believe you hired a male escort, that’s just so…anti-Ellen.”
“Well, technically I didn’t hire him, because no money was ever exchanged.”
He chewed on his lip, and I sensed a confession coming on. “When I went to Amsterdam, I slept with a prostitute.”
My eyes widened. “You did?”
Nick nodded. “It was pretty rough. I came away feeling bad about the woman, bad about wanting to pay for sex in the first place, just plain bad about everything. I ended up paying her double what I originally owed.”
“Oh, Nick.”
“I had to. It was clear she was only doing it because she didn’t have another choice. But I don’t think that’s the case for everyone. From what you’ve told me of Julian, it sounds like his job is a personal choice. He actually gets something out of it.”
“Yes, I think you’re right,” I said, feeling both forlorn and jealous. Jealous of all the women who were going to have him now that we were over.
“If that’s true, then you just need to let him be who he is
. You can’t change people, Ellen. You can’t make them want a white picket fence and a country cottage if they’d prefer a balcony with a city view.”
“It just hurts. Letting him go hurts so bad, Nick,” I said and dropped my head on his shoulder.
“I know, Els. But it’ll get better, I promise. Time heals all wounds.”
* * *
I stayed at Dad’s for almost two weeks until he and Shayla were due back from their honeymoon. I told myself it was time to get back to reality. Bernice had been taking care of Skittles and Rainbow for me, and it was definitely time to relieve her of her duties. Besides, I missed my birds.
They didn’t even know how lucky they were to have a partner for life, a little friend to be by your side for all your days.
During my stay at Dad’s, I’d thrown myself into my book. I didn’t check my emails, barely even looked at my phone. Instead, I wrote. Emotion had built up inside me and it needed an outlet. As such, the final Sasha Orlando book was turning out to be very tumultuous. All of my feelings these past two weeks became her feelings. I couldn’t help it. Writing the story was like therapy.
From the start of the series, Sasha developed a close friendship with Toby, her boss at the newspaper. Over time, they started to have feelings for one another, but because they’re both seeing other people, and also because it would be unprofessional, they keep their relationship platonic. I’d never originally planned for them to get together, but there was a large contingent of readers who shipped Sasha & Toby, and I wanted to finally give them their happy ending. I’d even written a sex scene. A real, detailed, unadulterated sex scene!
Anyway, it seemed that immersing myself in a fictional happily ever after helped me forget about the lack of one in my own life.
When I arrived at my house, Skittles and Rainbow went apeshit. I know it’s hard to picture lovebirds going apeshit, but just picture them flying all over the place, tweeting like mental, nipping at my hair, and pooping on my shoulder.