“David Ellis,” I said. “If Tanner was your big regret, Dave was mine.”
Jason’s face fell in sympathy. “I can’t imagine you getting rejected.”
I smirked at him, holding back the urge to remind him of New Year’s. “He didn’t reject me. I’m playing the part of Tanner Fox in this particular story.”
“Oh.” Jason’s expression lost some of its compassion but gained a bit of curiosity. “Do go on.”
“Dave was in my freshman algebra class, and then fate put us together again the next year for anatomy. I’d stared at him from across the room in algebra, feeling like a creeper. He looked a lot like you, actually. Dark blond hair, perfect little body that had my hormones dancing every time he came near. Only his eyes weren’t nearly as arresting as yours, and you’re about ten times more attractive. But back then—before I knew you—Dave was just about the best-looking thing I’d ever seen.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re trying to butter me up with compliments?” It was apparently Jason’s turn to be the comic relief. I was grateful because this wasn’t easy.
“As I was saying, he was hot. And sweet, you know? I really liked him. We sat next to each other in anatomy, and we got pretty close. About halfway through the semester, I realized he was all I thought about. I looked for him everywhere I went, hoping to catch a glimpse of that dark blond hair I would have recognized anywhere. I was imagining all sorts of wonderful things. Having my first boyfriend, maybe even coming out. He made me long for things I’d never thought possible.”
Jason shook his head. “You’re as sappy as I am. Whoever would have guessed?”
“Stick around, Whitham. I’ll bet you money I’m way sappier than you.”
“Sounds like easy money,” he said. “But give it your best shot.”
“Okay, you asked for it.” I stretched, settling back deeper into the cushion and steeling myself. I hoped Jason would still speak to me after what I was about to reveal. “I pursued him relentlessly, using all of my best moves. I flirted with him like I’d only ever flirted with girls. God, I had to have him. I needed him like I needed water and air to survive.”
Jason nodded, probably hearing something in my words that had been true of him and his first crush all those years ago.
“I asked him to meet me at a hotel. It was a nice one, at least, and that’s about all I can say. But I couldn’t think of another way to be alone with him and to get to finally touch him. I was burning up for it, and that made me stupid. I thought maybe—” I shook my head. “Well, you know what I thought. This is it. He’s the one. I’m going to come out.” I let out a bitter laugh and went silent, unable to continue just yet.
“I’m assuming this story doesn’t have a happy ending,” he said, paraphrasing my words from earlier. “Based on what I know of you,” he added. “That you’re still not out.”
I shook my head, feeling the old regret wash over me in a sickening wave. “I fucked him,” I admitted without a hint of pride. “I told him I loved him. Looking back, it wasn’t love, of course. But it could have been if we’d had half a chance. If I hadn’t been such a coward.”
Jason frowned, and I could tell he was uncomfortable with where the conversation was headed. I was about to disappoint him so profoundly, but there was nothing left to do but tell the truth. He’d done that for me, and I owed him.
Bill came into the room as if sensing Jason’s distress, and Jason lifted his arm and allowed the cat to cuddle into his side. They both stared at me, Bill with his one good eye, and Jason with those turbulent blue orbs I’d fallen into so many times I couldn’t count. At the moment, they were filled with a wariness that could so easily tip into accusation. I deserved that and more.
“What happened after that?” he asked, stroking Bill’s gray fur a little too hard.
“I had good intentions. I really did. But after we left the hotel, I started freaking out. Even before that, really. We both showered the next morning and got ready in the most awkward, get-me-the-fuck-out-of-here silence I’ve ever experienced. To this day, nothing has ever compared to that awful, sinking feeling. It was like ants were crawling on my skin, and I couldn’t get away fast enough.”
“Why?” Jason asked. “You didn’t feel that way the night before, did you?”
“Hell, no. I thought I was in heaven the night before. My head was full of all these possibilities. I was brave for once, and then morning came, and I was me again. I was fucking terrified, J. The only thing I can liken it to is being chased by a monster. It was like in the movies when the hero thinks he’s given the beast the slip and it’s all going to be over, but then suddenly he rounds a corner, and there it is again all terrible and deadly. And I ran.”
“Like Tanner Fox.”
I nodded solemnly. “Like Tanner Fox. I’m sorry, Jason.”
“Why are you apologizing to me? It was Dave you hurt, not me.”
“But knowing how much Tanner hurt you and how similar our stories are, I just feel like maybe… It doesn’t make much sense, but maybe I can apologize on Tanner’s behalf and hope that someone in Dave’s life apologizes for my stupid ass. The guilt ate me alive.”
Jason nodded.
“But here’s the crazy thing,” I said. “In a way, I hurt myself more than I could ever have hurt Dave. He was wonderful, Jason. Like you, he was brave and proud and true to himself. It was a beautiful thing to behold. I’m sure he landed on his feet, or at least I hope he did. But what happened between us—the way I acted and the loss I felt—has haunted me all this time. It’s why I didn’t ever get involved with anyone else, and why I denied my attraction for you for a year and a half. Because I know who I am, J. I know I’m shit. I wasn’t worthy of Dave, and I’m sure as hell not worthy of you.”
Jason stared at me with a stunned expression, his eyes wide and disbelieving. “Why do you think you’re unworthy?”
I laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. Just the same old misery I’d lived with all my life. “I’m too much of a coward to give you what you deserve. You can have it all. The fairytale and more. That’s the kind of guy you are. I’m nothing but a fraud. I make myself miserable, and I’ll make you miserable, too. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you or how much I want you. I’m greedy, like you said.”
He scratched the bottom of Bill’s chin with a finger as he contemplated my words. Then, resolve settled on his face like a mask, hiding the little bit of sympathy I’d seen there before. “If your feelings had been strong enough for Dave, you would have found a way.”
And now we were back to Dave. Jason had ever-so-neatly ignored the fact that I’d turned the focus to him and the conflicting feelings I had for him.
“Maybe so. But I barely knew Dave. He was a crush, just like Tanner was for you.” I wanted to say something more. Something about how Jason was different, and that maybe this time I could really do it this time. For Jason, maybe I could do it.
But I didn’t say those things because I didn’t know if I had the courage to make the words true. I’d failed Dave, but failing Jason would be much, much worse. I didn’t think I’d survive it. My feelings, which I’d barely admitted to myself, ran far too deep.
Jason smirked and made a valiant effort to bring us back around to the comfortable place we’d been before our stroll down memory lane. “Maybe Dave and I should have been boyfriends, and you and Tanner could have fucked like rabbits while still insisting you were straight. That would have been a better scenario.”
I sighed and stood to stretch my legs, sensing that our come-to-Jesus moment was over. I feared we were no closer to understanding each other than we’d been before, and hell, maybe the chasm between us had grown even wider.
“I think I need one of those pills,” Jason said. The agitation was clear in his every movement as he pulled the bottle from his pocket and went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water and used it to chase his medication.
“Go lie down on the bed,” I told hi
m, reaching out to massage his tense shoulders. “Try not to think about anything. You don’t have to go to work, and you don’t have any responsibilities while you’re here with me. I’ve got you.”
He gave a weak smile and shuffled off to the bedroom. I went back to the sofa and pulled Bill onto my lap and did what I’d warned Jason not to do. I thought.
I considered what Jason meant to me and what I might be willing to do to have him as more than a friend. I thought about David Ellis and what my declaration of love and sudden rejection afterward must have done to him. Jason had carried the same kind of rejection around with him since his freshman year in college, and I cringed to think I may have caused that kind of pain for poor, sweet Dave, whose only mistake was in believing I’d been man enough to pursue a relationship with him.
I thought about Jason and his career. He had a lot more on his plate than just worrying about us and what our blossoming sexual relationship might mean. He had a malpractice suit hanging over his head, and I was just a bystander in the whole thing. I couldn’t possibly imagine what this must be like for him. The uncertainty and fear. And the guilt.
Guilt. That word sent a rush of emotion crashing through me. Jason had nothing to feel guilty about. I knew that with certainty now, in the same way I knew the sun would come up tomorrow. Jason had done nothing wrong in the Morris Terwilliger case. He said he’d done everything right, and I believed him with my whole heart. Even the idea of him having uttered the wrong medication name to Jolene seemed ludicrous now. I’d worked closely with the man for a year and a half, and I knew every one of his quirks and habits. I knew how he performed under pressure—strong and sure and focused. To think our little argument had shaken him so much that he could have made a mistake like that was unthinkable.
No, Jason had not made a mistake. So, what the hell had happened?
As soon as I was sure Jason was asleep, I went into my small office down the hall, shut the door behind me. Jason had done everything right, and now it was my turn to do something right for a change. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Rosenfeld’s number.
“Yes?” The older man’s voice came across the line after two rings, which meant he probably wasn’t too busy to talk.
“You got a minute?” I asked.
“Sure, Mark. What is it?”
“I’m not going to be able to come into work for a few days.”
There was silence, and for a moment I feared he’d hung up on me. When he spoke, his voice was guarded. “What’s going on, Mark? You’ve never called out once in over three years of working with me. Has something happened?”
“Yes, it has, but it’s nothing you don’t know about. Jason isn’t doing so well with this Terwilliger mess. He needs a friend right now, and I’m the best one he’s got.”
“So, what? You’re going to babysit him? I need you here, Mark. With both of you gone, I’m down two residents. I can’t afford to be that short-staffed.”
“Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you forced Jason to take leave. He hasn’t ever called out, either. Work is his life, and without it, he’s just flapping in the wind.”
Rosenfeld huffed. “I can’t have him in here possibly endangering other patients while we’re getting this all sorted out. And he’s not your responsibility. Let his family take care of him.”
I shifted the phone to my other hand to air my sweaty palm for a moment before shifting it back again. I cracked my neck. “He hasn’t got any family here. It’s me or nobody, and I’m not going to leave him alone in this state.”
“It’s not our problem he can’t handle the pressure, Mark.”
“What?” I asked. “Jesus, could you possibly get any more callous? What the hell did Jason ever do to deserve this kind of treatment from you? When I first started working here, I got the impression you were a fair and impartial man, but lately I’m coming to realize I may have been wrong.”
“Mark…” he said in a warning tone. I knew that tone. I’d heard him use it on other people, mainly Jason, but never on me. It chilled me to think that with all of the mistakes I had made over the years, Rosenfeld had never spoken to me that way.
“We need to discuss something, sir.” I took a deep breath, knowing this was probably not going to end well for me but needing to do it anyway. “I’ve noticed that you don’t treat Jason the same as you treat me. It makes me feel uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable? What do you mean, uncomfortable?”
I pressed on. “Well, I feel like you give me a lot more leeway at work. And you praise me unduly while practically ignoring Jason’s contributions.”
Rosenfeld sighed irritably. “Jason isn’t the doctor you are, Mark. You’re a different caliber—”
“You’re right,” I interrupted. “Jason is a better doctor than I am.”
The chuckle that came over the line made me want to run my hand through the phone and choke the smug bastard. “I understand you want to take up for your friend. Loyalty is yet another of your admirable traits. But, as I’ve warned you before, please don’t allow that loyalty to get you into trouble.”
“I don’t care,” I growled. “You want to fire me, fine, but I can’t stand by and watch you shortchange a great doctor. I’m asking you to please be conscious of how you treat Dr. Whitham in the future. Pay attention to what he’s doing and give him credit where credit is due. That man whose son overdosed recently—the one who thought I ought to be nominated for something… He wasn’t talking about me, Dr. Rosenfeld. He was talking about Jason. I was standing around with my thumb up my ass while Jason was figuring out what was wrong with him and taking care of the family. All I did was administer some Narcan and monitor his vitals until he could go home. Oh, and I charted. Took credit for everything. Jason was right to be upset that day in Terwilliger’s room. Somehow I end up taking all the credit for his good work, and he consistently gets overlooked. I’m sure that gets pretty frustrating after a while, especially when his future depends on his performance during his residency.”
“I don’t think that’s how things are,” Rosenfeld said. “I don’t think that’s what I do.”
“Well, you’re wrong. We’ve all been wrong. I’m not judging, and I know you haven’t done it on purpose, but I’d like for things to change moving forward.”
Rosenfeld cleared his throat. “If that even matters, Mark. You know what Jason is facing with this Terwilliger thing.”
“And I want him cleared of that, too. He’s innocent, Dr. Rosenfeld. I don’t know how to prove it, but I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. Jason Whitham is innocent.”
“I have a vial of Dilaudid confiscated from the pharmacy that says otherwise. The morphine was given, and the Dilaudid was returned. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do about this, Mark. Jason is going down. I don’t like it any more than you do, but that’s how it is. Now about this leave of absence you’re requesting—”
“I’m taking it,” I said before he could try to talk me out of it. “I’m going to take a few days’ vacation and give Jason the support he needs during the toughest days he’s ever faced. It’s not negotiable.”
Rosenfeld let out the loudest, most annoyed sigh I’d ever heard. The man was pissed. “Do what you have to do, Mark, but I can’t promise you this won’t come back on you. Just because you’re my favorite resident doesn’t mean I can look the other way on everything.”
I gave a mirthless laugh. “And you just made my point. Think about what you just said, and we’ll talk when I get back.”
I hung up the phone and sat there in the gloom of dusk. It was almost time to turn on the lights in the apartment, but I wasn’t in the mood for light. I went into my bedroom instead and, like a creeper, watched Jason sleep for a while.
16
Jason
I woke up refreshed to the smell of bacon and eggs. Well, burnt bacon and overcooked eggs, but I figured Mark was in the kitchen, so it was no surprise. I hurried into the bathroom and brushed my teet
h, then headed into the kitchen.
“Good morning, sunshine,” Mark said with a huge smile. “I hope you’re hungry.” He was shirtless in a pair of ripped jeans, and my mouth watered.
“Starving,” I admitted, though with him standing there looking like a slab of hot doctor meat, it wasn’t necessarily food I was craving.
Mark stared down at the platter of breakfast on the table, and his brow furrowed adorably. “I may have cooked this stuff a little too much.”
I laughed. “It’s fine. If I were at home, I’d be having toast and jelly, so this is a feast to me.”
Mark’s smile came back. “Great.” He made me a cup of coffee and set it down in front of me.
I appreciated the effort he’d gone to. The dishes were all laid out on the table with silverware and napkins, and we each had a small glass of orange juice flanking our plates.
“Thanks, Mark. This is really awesome of you.” Then a thought occurred to me, and I looked up at him in alarm. “Shouldn’t you be at work right now?”
He shrugged. “I took a few days off. Wouldn’t be the same without you there.”
“Shit, man. Rosenfeld let you do that?”
“He didn’t have a choice.”
“But was he okay with it?” I took a swig of orange juice, feeling the liquid seeping into every pore of my dehydrated body.
Mark sort of smiled and winced at the same time and scrubbed his fingers along the sexy stubble at his jaw. “Not really, but like I said, he didn’t have a choice. I told him I was spending a few days with you.”
I cringed. “Great. He’s going to hate me even worse now.”
Mark lowered himself into the chair opposite me and spooned eggs onto his plate. Then he piled a few slices of bacon on top. He crunched into a piece of a nearly-black strip of pork and grimaced. “Rosenfeld is not going to be a problem. I made sure of that. I kind of called him out on being an asshole to you.”
“You did what?” I nearly choked on the bite of eggs I was chewing.
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