by Esme Devlin
“I need to ask you something and I want you to promise you won’t freak out,” she tells me as she gets in the car.
I close the door for her and get in my own side. “Shoot.”
She cocks an eyebrow at me. “Ada is going away for the weekend and Lawrie is having food at her house tonight, since we won’t see her. Can you drop me there and pick me up?”
“No.” I don’t even have to think about it. I won’t have it. I don’t trust her a single bit and I’ve not spent the whole week keeping tabs on her just so she can sneak off again. I brace myself for the inevitable petted lip and huff whenever she hears that word.
But she doesn’t, she just nods and looks out of the window. She looks more sad than annoyed.
“I can’t trust you,” I tell her, suddenly feeling the urge to explain myself.
She looks back over and watches me as I reverse the car out of the space. “I know. But how will you ever learn to trust me if you don’t let me out of your sight?”
I let go of the steering wheel while I let the car creep forward, putting my seatbelt on. “Maybe I’ll never learn to trust you.”
“What kind of life would that be if we didn’t learn to trust each other?”
I glance over at her and her face is deadly serious. This is the first time she’s ever spoken about us as if it’s actually going to happen. Maybe she wasn’t pretending in the changing rooms when she told me that I’d won. It can’t have been that easy though, can it? “Point taken.”
“Even just a few hours, Tommy. If this is how it’s going to be, then I still need friends.” Her eyes are pleading, but they’re gentle, and I know I’d be an idiot for letting her get her own way. For letting her believe that she has any power over me. But since I’m considering saying yes, maybe she does have some power over me. I don’t know when the fuck that happened, when things changed, but I do see what she’s saying.
Living life like we have been since she jumped off that pier would be intolerable. It would be exhausting for the both of us. And since neither of us can walk away, what the fuck is the point in killing each other?
“Alright. I’ve got a few things to do tonight, but I’ll pick you up at midnight.”
“You will?” I glance over at her and she’s smiling at me. It’s not a victorious one like she’s just stolen my car, or a playful one like she’s about to turn me on and leave me hanging… It’s just a nice smile, like she thinks I’m a decent human being.
I like that.
“Aye, I will.”
I wait in the car while Michelle gets changed, and she comes back out wearing black skinny ripped jeans, a plain white t-shirt and white trainers. Her hair is up in a messy high ponytail, showing off the countless gold studs that decorate her ears. She has only a little makeup on, and I realize that she looks insanely beautiful.
She’s always been fuckable to me looks-wise… it was her stuck-up attitude I could never get passed before. I don’t like girls who think they’re god’s gift to men. And Michelle took pleasure in looking at me like I was the lowest piece of shit on this earth.
But her attitude has stopped bothering me so much, now that I’ve learned what ticks her off. When I put her down, she looks like it actually hurts her feelings. People who know they’re god's gift don’t act like that. She doesn’t necessarily think she is better, she just pretends she has a higher than average sense of self-worth because — daddy issues. Her dad gave her a value, and she thinks she has to project to the world, and to me, that she is better than that.
Maybe it helps her believe it herself?
But now I can see through her bravado, she’s growing on me.
I don’t even understand it myself, she’s done more in this week to specifically piss me off than she has in the last ten years. There is something about her though. I don’t know whether I want to break her for being so fucking proud, or take the already broken thing beside me and put it back together again.
Fucking women.
“Where’s Lawrie’s house?”
“112 Cedarwood Grove. Do you want me to direct you?” She leans forward and pushes the button to turn the heated seats on, then plays with the heating dial and changes the radio station.
I look at her with raised eyebrows while I pull on to the road. “Nah, you’re good. I know it.”
Ryan lives up that way. I pull my phone out of my pocket and message the group chat, seeing if anyone fancies the pub. I told my dad I’d run a few errands for him but that won’t take long, so I might as well pick Ryan up if I’m passing.
“What are you going to do?” she asks, eyeing up the phone in my hand.
I shrug at her. “Seeing if anyone fancies a game of pool, now that I don’t have to sit watching your bedroom window all night.”
She laughs. “Very funny.”
I grin and wink at her.
We drive over to Lawrie’s house, making small talk while I feel like I’ve died and gone to hellfire in the car. She needs to learn to bring a fucking jacket with her — it’s unhealthy to be this cold.
“Midnight, alright?” I tell her as she jumps out.
“Midnight. And don’t beep, you’ll wake the neighbors. I’ll be waiting right here, so don’t be late.”
“Anything for the princess.” I give her a wink.
She shuts the door and I head to Ryan’s house, texting him to let him know I’m outside. Stuart couldn’t be arsed, lazy bastard, and Stubsy’s got plans with the wee ride he’s been seeing, so it’s just the three of us tonight. I pick Jody up next and he sits in the back.
“What brings this on?” Jody asks as he leans forward and rests his arms on the two front seats. I’m not usually out much during the week.
Since Christmas my dad has been hell-bent on teaching me how to run the business, basically every night after school, so I keep socializing to the weekends. On the plus side, since I’ve been promoted from being the lackey in the stables, shovelling shit every weekend since I was five, I at least get to sleep-in past dawn on the occasional Sunday now.
“Michelle’s at her pal’s house, said I’d pick her up at midnight and I couldn’t be arsed going home just to come back out,” I tell them.
“Loosening the leash already, aye? You’re brave after her little stunt yesterday,” Ryan says.
I shrug him off. “Can’t keep her on a collar for the rest of my life, can I?” At least that’s what she told me, so I’m giving her way a go.
We get to the pub and I get a round in, just the one for me since I’m driving in a few hours. Jody sticks a few pounds in the jukebox and I play Ryan first. I’m decent enough at pool but it’s not my strength, much better on the dartboard but they won’t play with me because there’s no chance of winning.
We get three games in, and just before the fourth game I try to convince them to give the dart board a go… but since they’ve each had more than a couple, they’re even more wary of going up against me at darts.
Couple of pussies.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out just as Jody is taking his shot. It’s Paddy McCallum, who’s probably something close to a third cousin through marriage. He’s a proper traveller, moving all over the country with a carnival, and I’d heard they pitched up down at the beach about a week ago.
I kept meaning to text him for a beer but I never got around to it, so I guess this is him pulling me up.
“Just seen your Mrs with her mates. You meeting her later? We’ll catch that beer if you’re going to be around.”
Not my Mrs.
My Mrs is at her pal’s house, eating food, just like she said she would be.
I start hammering a text back, my thumbs jabbing much harder than they need to, when I realize I’m kidding myself on and delete it.
She’s not at her pal’s house, and I’m a fucking idiot for believing she would be. Instead, I send “You’re at the fair?”
He reads the message and the white dots appear to show he’s typing back.
“Tommy, you’re up,” Jody says.
“Aye, give me a minute, mate.” I look back down at my phone. Fuck's sake Paddy it was a simple fucking question.
“Aye. Been here a week now, we leave next Tuesday. I’m running the big wheel, can’t fucking miss it. You coming down?”
She better hope it’s a simple case of mistaken identity, because if there’s one thing I hate in this world it’s a liar. I don’t even bother replying to Paddy.
“Change of plan, I need to go,” I tell them.
“Tommy you can’t just abandon the game cause you’re losing,” Ryan says, as if he thinks I’m joking.
“I need to go. Michelle’s taking liberties now the collar is off and I’m about to tie it so tight that her neck’s going to snap.”
The pair of them look at each other, brows furrowed, and Jody puts the pool cue down against the table. “We’ll come with you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t need an audience, I’ll deal with her myself.”
Ryan is already heading for the door. “Aye mate, that’s what we’re worried about.”
I don’t give a fuck anymore. She wanted to play nice just to get what she wanted? She’s going to learn that’s not how it works with us. That will never work with us. I’m not the sort of man who gets wrapped around a little finger. I want her to fear me. I want to see her flinch every time I look at her. I thought I wanted to fix her, but I realize now that was just pretty poetry and foolishness.
I’m going to break her so bad she won’t even know where to start looking for the pieces.
Chapter 14
MICHELLE
I agreed to this before I made the deal with Kieran not to provoke Tommy, and now I’m wondering if this is really a smart thing to be doing. If he catches me, he will probably blow his top, especially because I turned it into a trust thing. But the girls convinced me I need to enjoy my freedom every chance I get.
Funny how I don’t feel free — I feel his grip around my neck like a vice even when I’m not with him.
But whatever. I feel like I’m getting better at knowing how to handle him.
Ada’s boyfriend, Scott, picks us up with his friend, Callum, twenty minutes after Tommy leaves, and the three of us pile into the back seats of his tiny three door Vauxhall Corsa.
“Where are we going?” I ask no one in particular.
Callum turns his blonde head back towards us. “The shows are down the beach, a few of us from the football team are going.”
A few of them from the football team. Tommy isn’t a footballer. I nod my head. I suppose it’s no more risky than anywhere else could be.
Scott parks the car just behind the promenade and I link arms with Lawrie as we walk along to the beachfront. She’s engrossed in a conversation with Callum, and with Scott and Ada holding hands a few paces in front of us, I feel like the 5th unnecessary wheel on a car.
I couldn’t ever imagine doing shit like this with Tommy and his friends. I wonder what my life would have been like if our dads hadn’t got together and planned my future for me? Would I be hand in hand with a lean pretty boy from the football team right now?
What’s the point in thinking about it. That’s a future I’ll never have.
The bright colourful lights get closer as we make our way towards the fair, all neon and flashing and spreading out around a huge Ferris wheel. The smell of cotton candyfloss mixes with sea air and instantly transports me back to a day-trip here, years ago with Ada’s parents.
I remember seeing Tommy briefly that day, we couldn’t have been that much older than ten. I was so annoyed because I’d asked my dad for money that morning, specifically so I could pay for a pony ride along the beach. I’d never learned to ride, because that was something that would have cost time as well as just money, but at the fair you could pay someone and they’d lead you all the way along to the pier on the horse. I’d been excited for it all morning.
Even though I was never allowed one, I knew I would have made a fantastic horsey person.
But I never got to ride, because Tommy, dressed in a flat cap and a white penny collar shirt, was playing full blown traveller that day. He was one of the boys leading the ponies along the beach, and I didn’t want to make a fool of myself with my inexperience. He had such an easy way with them, strolling around casually, and then cantering through the waves when he didn’t have a customer. He made the whole beach — and the horses — feel like his territory.
And I’ve never wanted to get on a horse since.
We walk around the fair from place to place, and I hang back a little while they talk to the football crowd. I’m just not in the mood, and kinda wish I had stayed at home.
Ada and Scott head over to the big wheel, and I let them go on themselves because I’ve always found it boring. It doesn’t really do anything. So I stand at the bottom with Lawrie and Callum, waving to them every so often as they go by.
“Fuck this,” Lawrie announces. “Let’s do the Cyclone.”
Callum and I look at one another, and then turn around, the both of us trying to work out what the cyclone is. Then I see it. Three arms, each with 4 carriages, spinning around in opposite directions, all while garish neon lights flash in your face and a “Shape of You - Ed Sheeran” remix blares in your ears.
Fabulous.
Lawrie already has my arm linked in hers and is dragging me over, and I don’t argue with her. I’m not particularly motion-sicky or anything like that.
We slip the man in the booth a tenner and queue up.
The temperature has dropped significantly now the sun has completely set, and while it’s still dry, it looks like it might not stay that way for long. I watch as my breath condenses in front of me, while Lawrie and Callum yap away about things I’m not even following.
We get on and since I’m the smallest; I go on the inside of the ride, then Lawrie, then Callum. Judging by the “smallest riders here” sign screwed to the metal innards at my feet, I have a feeling there’s a chance both me and Lawrie are going to end up on Callum’s knee at some point when this thing kicks off.
Moments later, with the music almost too loud to think clearly, we’re whooshing through the air in all directions, and the world around us fades into a neon blur.
And then I catch sight of something that makes my heart almost fall through the floor of my chest.
I see two blue eyes boring into me in the crowd.
Fuck.
Oh fuck.
I nudge Lawrie, “He’s here.”
“What?” She turns and tries to look, but we’re already spinning in the opposite direction.
By the time the ride comes to a stop, my legs are jelly, and there’s a weight in the pit of my stomach as if I’m guilty of some terrible crime.
I guess I am guilty. I tricked him, I lied, and now I’ve been caught red-handed.
The three of us make our way around the barriers and he’s waiting for me at the gate, his friends on either side of him. Lawrie tries to position herself between us — God love her — but he’s smiling and she turns back around to look at me in confusion. Callum just stands there, clearly not having a fucking clue about what is actually going on.
“Alright darlin? You should have told me you were coming, my uncle owns the place, could have got you all on for free.” He steps around Lawrie and puts his arm around me, kissing the top of my head.
“It was a spur-of-the-moment decision,” I tell him. My heart is beating hard in my chest. Surely he will be angry?
Why isn’t he angry?
I feel like I’m walking right into a trap.
“You’ve got my number,” he says, taking my hand and pulling me away. Lawrie follows us and so do his friends.
“As I said, I didn’t think.” I stop and my arm jerks slightly as he keeps walking.
He looks over at his friends, at Lawrie and Callum, and then he bends down close as if he’s nuzzling my ear. Anyone looking at us would think he was about to whisper how be
autiful I looked with my windswept hair, or how much he had missed me.
Not my Tommy.
“In five minutes you’re going to make an excuse and you’re going to ask me to take you home, understand?” He’s whispering softly, but the malice in his breath sends a chill right down my spine. I don’t feel brave anymore. I feel the same way I did after my party, when he had me pinned up against the car, after I’d stuck the head on him.
Maybe I can only be brave when I know I’m in the right?
This was stupid… I’m supposed to be getting on his good side, not fucking him off even more. I nod my head slightly and kiss his cheek, letting out a nervous giggle so it doesn’t draw attention to the fact he’s just threatened me.
He didn’t actually threaten me, but it sure as hell felt like he did.
“Come on, since you’re here you can win me a teddy,” I tell him.
He smirks and I pull at his arm. “The lady has spoken,” he tells his friends.
I’m doing my best to act normal because the last thing I need is Lawrie worrying about me, or Callum seeing something is amiss and ending up with a broken leg — or worse. We all walk over to the shooting range and I point to this little pink bunny rabbit hanging from the ceiling of the trailer. “That one.”
He smirks and hands the guy a ten pound note across the counter, taking the air rifle off him. “How many for that wee rabbit up there?”
The guy looks up at the roof. “100 points.”
Tommy nods and aims the gun at the spinning targets. I watch his face instead of where he’s aiming. He’s as still as a statue, barely moving as he breathes, and my heart begins to settle down. No one can be that still when they are angry. He would be shaking if he was raging.
At least, that’s what I tell myself.
I’ll find out soon enough.
He only misses one shot, and he ends up with some ridiculous number of points. The guy tells him he can choose a bigger one, but I shake my head. I don’t even want the damn thing, and I can’t really be arsed lugging a giant teddy all the way back to the car.