by Mj Fields
Billy yells to me, “Let’s roll!”
I’m heading toward him when I feel one of my ear buds pop out. I turn to see one of the cameramen pulling his hand back.
“You’re lucky this is on tape, man, or I would fucking nail you in the face,” I snap.
“Let’s go, River!” Nick yells.
“You’re the drummer for STD.” A little, platinum blonde shoves a mic in my face.
“No, ma’am, I’m the ghost of Kurt Cobain.” I turn, flipping them off as Nick pulls me into the SUV.
Once seated, I look around and almost get out. Finn, Memphis, Billy, Nick, and Xavier are all staring at me.
“I think I’d rather sit at the kiddy table.” I reach for the door handle just as the SUV jets.
I sit back and close my eyes, but the combined weight of their stares is so heavy I can’t ignore it.
“Welcome to Cali. Anyone have a smoke?”
“You stopped smoking,” Billy points out. “After the accident, you quit.”
“No, I didn’t quit. I forgot. Now I need a damn cigarette. Have the driver stop and—”
“Why the fuck would you start again?” Memphis asks.
“Because he’s an addict,” Finn grumbles.
“And you’re a fucking grease monkey’s kid from bum-fuck, Ohio,” I snap.
“Never tried to hide my past,” he hisses.
“Let’s talk about the dead girl, shall we?” I clap my hands together and sit forward. “I’m sure you’ve painted me as the piece of shit in the situation, so let’s just put it out there.”
“Fine. You gave her a bunch of cash to terminate a fucking pregnancy, and she used it to buy enough crack to kill a horse. Instead, she had one hell of a party in the bathroom with five kids downstairs, eating breakfast, and then drowned!” Finn roars.
“Right, ’cause you tried to get her to keep a kid she had no fucking business having and pushed her to run right the fuck to me ’cause your pompous ass wouldn’t help her terminate the fucking unwanted pregnancy!” I yell back at him.
“Whose kid was it?” Memphis asks like he’s just sitting on the couch, watching Jerry fucking Springer.
“Who the hell knows!” I yell.
“I think that you were all very young and—”
“Billy, just shut the fuck up,” I bark.
“You know, River, you should take it easy. No one here is pointing fingers or placing blame except the two of you,” Xavier says, and I know damn well it’s some shit Taelyn has said that stuck with him.
“No one but him.” I point at Finn.
“Or you, asshole.” Finn points back.
“You two need to grow the fuck up!” Billy screams above us. “I let my dog out to piss when I was fourteen, and she got hit by a car. Dead. Killed right in front of me.” Leave it to Billy to say some stupid shit like that. “But I forgave myself. The two of you need to pass the dish of forgiveness to each other—”
“Did you just say ‘dish of forgiveness’?” Memphis quips, trying not to laugh.
“Yes, I said, dish of forgiveness,” he snaps at Memphis.
“Is that like …?” Memphis stops when Xavier elbows him in the side. “Don’t bruise the goods, man.”
“Keep in mind that this week is about your rise to the top. We’re filming “Surface to Soul,” your song that hit number one and stayed there for two months. This is about you as a band. Luckily, there are no camera crews here right now, but there will be a crew at the house we rented, and we are gonna be one, big, happy fucking family.”
“What? We’re staying in the same fucking house?” I gape.
“One, big, happy fucking family,” Finn sighs out.
“Unreal,” I mumble.
“It was in that envelope Taelyn gave you,” Xavier points out.
“We were sidetracked.” Memphis smirks. “That’s like a dish of pussy you shouldn’t pass between friends.”
Xavier elbows him, yet laughs in spite of his attempt not to.
We pull up to a gate, and the driver punches in a code. The gate opens, and then we drive up the driveway to a house straight out of MTV’s Cribs.
“Sweet, huh?” Xavier winks. “Six bedrooms, a pool inside and out, kickass outside living space, and bathtubs that you can live in.”
“Fuck in.” Finn smirks.
“Fuckin’ live in.” Memphis turns to me. “How bad did you piss off Billy today? You two might …” He leaves it hanging.
“I’ll just show Tales what a real dick looks like, and she’ll come running now that her training dick has her broken in.”
“I will fucking cut you in your sleep if you say that shit again,” Memphis growls.
I look at Finn, wanting to say some shit to him, too.
“I won’t wait until you’re asleep,” Finn says, arching his eyebrow.
I lock eyes with him when the vehicle stops. Billy, Xavier, and Memphis all jump out and slam the doors behind them, leaving me and Finn alone together.
“Hold up,” Finn says as I reach for the door handle.
“Nah, man.” I half-laugh at his bullshit.
“I made a promise to a girl that I would tell you she read Jesse’s diary from cover to cover a few years ago and then again after the accident. The lighter was a fucking peace offering. I had it shoved in a box. Forgot about it. Sonya suggested it. I had my mom’s, too. It felt good to get rid of it, so I thought maybe you could do the same.”
I pause and look down.
“I know how you met. You were her light knight. She was all fucking over the place, man. It had nothing to do with me and nothing to do with you.”
He sighs, rubbing a hand in his beard. “Sonya talked to mine and Jesse’s old foster parents, and Sally, our foster mother, confirmed what Sonya suspected—Jesse was mentally ill before you or I came into her life. She was abused as a kid, which probably fucked her up even worse.
“I am pissed beyond reason that you never told me. It feels like this whole thing between us was built on a fucking lie, but I will not let it fuck me up anymore. And, River, I’m not passing a fucking dish of imaginary forgiveness, but I am saying, whatever reason you had for keeping it from me”—he shrugs—”I’m sure it was solid.”
The air between us becomes a little lighter, but… “I’m still fucking pissed. I’m not a hundred percent sure why, but pissed is a safe place for me to be.”
“I’m not trying to one-up Billy’s epic fucking moment, but hate, pissed, anger, it hurts man, and I don’t wanna hurt anymore.” He leans forward and opens the door. When he gets out, he looks back. “I don’t want you to, either.”
“You getting a blow job from your girl for that?” I ask.
He smirks and nods. “I better get anal.”
I stay in the car for a minute, thinking of how I’m pretty sure that shit is over. I’m hoping like hell I can someday give him the same peace he just gave me, but I really have no idea how to fucking do that.
When I get out and walk up the front steps, Josephina Steel opens the door.
“Twenty minutes till a home cooked meal; don’t be late.”
I lean forward and kiss her cheek, and she laughs and points to the other.
“If you’re going to do it, do it right.”
I kiss her other cheek. “Better?”
“I don’t know, River.” She smiles. “But I hope so. Life is too short.”
Before thinking, I open my mouth. “What do you know?”
She looks at me sternly. “Everything.”
“You team River or Finn?” I ask, half-joking.
“Do you need me on your team?”
“Hell yes, I do.” I again try to play it off as a joke because I see Xavier watching our interaction.
“You just fucked up,” Xavier warns.
“Oh, no, he did not. He just made a very wise choice,” Josephina says to him, then looks back at me. “Keep in mind that I raised four boys who all thought they wanted to be badasses, and look at them now.
My boys are men.”
“And still badasses.” X looks at me. “Told you my momma was the best, man.” He kisses his mom on the head. “Kitchen, Momma Joe. Your youngest, sexiest man is starving.”
She laughs as she walks away.
*****
Everyone is in bed when the driver finally comes back with a pack of smokes. I’m outside, sitting under the veranda, watching a movie—Soaked in Bleach. It’s a conspiracy story about the death of a man I have idolized my entire life, his music ever present in the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in my life.
I look over when the door opens to see Finn.
He points to my smoke. “Can I bum one?”
“Want something stronger?” I ask, knowing I need to chill the hell out. He lost her, too. He lost Jesse, and he’s now fine. I know we are different in a way he will never understand, but I am going to fucking try.
His eyes narrow. “You got something stronger?”
“You sure you wouldn’t get your ass kicked?”
He sits down and grabs the pack of Camel lights. “I still sneak one of these now and then.” He narrows his eyes at me. “Don’t tell my woman.”
“You on a leash now?” I ask before taking a drag.
“Hell no, I’m right where I wanna be.”
He lights a cigarette and takes a drag, sitting back in the chair. He blows out the smoke and glances over at me. “I thought you would never watch this shit.”
“Conspiracy theory,” I reply, then take another drag.
“Maybe, but if the shit’s true, that cunt deserves to be given the same treatment.”
“He died a few years before my dad left my mom for his second wife.” I laugh. “Mother loved his music. Then she didn’t. I never stopped.”
“Yeah?” He asks, putting out his cigarette, and I nod. “Fucked up.”
“The same day as Jesse,” I remark.
He lowers his head and nods once. “I never even put that together. Too pissed at her, I suppose.”
“Yeah.” I lean forward and put my smoke out.
“I’m the one who found her,” he mumbles, “the one who pulled her out of the tub.”
Nausea washes through me, but I swallow it back.
“How’d you find out?”
“Tom-Tom,” I answer, running my hands over my head. “The next day.”
Neither of us say a word as Cobain’s music surrounds us. We simply sit in silence, watching the end of the docudrama.
When Finn turns off the TV, he leans forward and looks at me. “Fucking cold out here.”
“Supposed to be about sixty-five the rest of the week. Hell of a lot better than New Jersey,” I remark, just making small talk about the weather.
Finn points to the pool. “See that spot beyond the pool, just past the hot tub?”
“The gazebo?”
He nods. “I keep picturing Sonya in white right there.”
“You mean, getting married?” He’s definitely whipped. Good for him. He got a second chance. The better men always do.
He nods. “I’m so fucking lucky it was her and not some crazy-ass chick like Cobain ended up with.” He glances over at me, and I nod.
“Do it.”
“I would, you know.” He smirks.
“Would or will?” I ask, fucking with him.
“Can you see me in a monkey suit, standing up there?” He chuckles.
I nod. “Yeah, I can. She’s tits, man.”
“Everyone’s already here,” he suggests, looking toward the pool.
“Your old man?” I ask, wondering if he’s coming around now, being a fucking father, and if Finn is allowing it.
“He could be on a plane in a couple hours,” Finn answers, and I know it’s going to happen.
“Fuck it; do it. Well, unless she wants the whole church and friends and—”
“Nah, she wants what I want: her, Noah, and me.”
I stand up and slap his back. “Do it.”
He stands up, too, and looks at me, then back toward the pool. “You willing to wear a monkey suit and stand there with me?”
I’m shocked. I look around, but there is no one coming outside.
“You talking to me?” I point to myself.
“Yeah, I absolutely am talking to you. Almost seven fucking years.” He shakes his head.
“Shit’s like common law in some states,” I joke.
He shoves his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. “Is that a yes?”
“Yeah, it’s definitely a yes.” I can’t help smiling. “Fuck yes.”
“Good. I want it to be a surprise. After the circus rolls out, we just say yeah, make it legal before the …” He stops and gives me a sideways glance.
I clap him on the back again. “You’ll be a damn good father, Finn.”
He nods. “She and I, we’re fucking solid.”
“So we’re planning a wedding now? Holy fuck, a few hours ago, I wanted to fucking rip the beard off.” I laugh, and so does he.
“Beard envy. How about you just grow your own?”
“Did that once. Got busted,” I joke.
*****
Two days fly by. I have either been standing where the photographers tell me to or trying to hide from the fuckers. It’s intense.
“I fucking need to catch a buzz,” I grumble as I climb out of the pool, only to be met by the stare of Momma Joe.
“A towel is what you need, River.” She raises her eyebrows and hands me one.
“Thank you, beautiful Josephina.” I smile as big as I can at her.
She palms my face. “My pleasure, son.”
When she walks away, I stand, trying to wrap my head around what she just said, son, and how, for the first time in more years than I can remember, it doesn’t make me angry when Momma Joe says it, even though I always hated hearing that.
I feel a hand clasp my shoulder. “You asked for it,” X-man reprimands. “Now I have to tell you that she is tough as nails, man. Teaching the Tango to a tiger in Tuscany would be easier than getting her off your back. It’s just never gonna happen. You literally opened the door and walked into it, but if you break her heart, I will break your neck, brother.”
I take a minute to allow the weight of that responsibility to sink in.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
*****
Tonight, we are putting on a private show. Apparently, invites were sent out to winners of an online contest Yaya came up with. Two hundred people will be here, watching us play poolside.
It’s fucking cold as hell out, but we are having a fucking Hollywood-style pool party, including industrial strength heaters that are apparently going to heat the outside.
Insane as hell, but mixed in with the winners, are pretty big names in the radio industry and cable music stations.
“Yaya’s genius in full bloom.” I wink at her, and she smiles and looks for Finn, who looks proud as hell of the chick he and I have been sneaking around behind the back of.
“She’s more than just a genius, much more,” Finn says, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and pulling her against him.
“Oh, yeah? Care to share?” I tease.
“She’s fucking mine.” He narrows his eyes, and she sighs.
It’s Thursday: four days since I started a new job and four days since I have been able to sleep without being awakened, picturing him in pain.
I’ve considered just caffeinating the hell out of myself so that I don’t sleep, but to work here in the drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, I can’t do that. It would go against what I am … against.
“Glady,” I say to the receptionist as I walk out from the back office, “you need anything before I leave?”
“Drugs,” she whispers, and I laugh.
“Looks like no intakes tonight. That’s good news, right?” I wink.
“No intakes because we are at max capacity.” She smiles. “Not bad for me, but for anyone who needs it right now and we have to turn them away, not s
uch good news, right?”
“I suppose not, but how about we both make a pact to focus on the ones here right now?”
“I hear you, honey child. I hear you.”
“Goodnight. If you need anything, give me a call,” I tell her.
“You aren’t on call.”
I am strong and resourceful. I am here to help others, and in doing so, I help myself.
I am the daughter of an addict who died because she could not overcome an addiction. A strong woman raised me, and that woman grew me to become and overcome.
I hold my chin high, and in the darkest of times, I make myself hold it higher. I am not unbreakable, but I am shatterproof.
No person in the universe decides who I will be, just me.
“You have a heart as big as the ocean, Keanna. Never let anyone drain you completely, but don’t turn your back when they need to borrow your heart, your strength, your kindness.”
I miss you so much, Grandma Martha. I miss so very much, I think as my eyes fill once again while I make my way to my car after work.
I head straight to the gym, needing to exhaust myself. I need to make myself so sore, so tired that, when I fall asleep, I don’t think of him.
When I return to Natasha’s, I plug my phone into the charger. It’s dead from listening to my music on repeat for two hours.
“Dinner’s ready, Auntie Keanna.” Jordan runs to the door and slides across the hardwood in his socks with Tink running behind him and skidding to a stop right before taking me out.
I give him a hug then kiss his head. “I need a shower. Do I have time?”
“You gonna have to do your hair and stuff?” he asks, putting his hands on his hips.
I smile. “Do I ever not do my hair and stuff?”
“Then I’m waiting, too.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest.
“You think you’re grown or something?” I give him some attitude right back. “Hey, Natasha, I’m gonna shower.”
“Sounds good,” she yells to me from the kitchen.
*****
Jordan is in bed, and Natasha and I are sitting on the couch with a glass of wine. She turns on the TV for background noise, hiding our conversation from young ears in the room at the top of the stairs.