by Mary Eason
*****
When she awoke the following morning, it was to the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen. Sammy’s laughter.
Rachel jumped out of bed and threw on her robe before running down the hall. She found Sammy covered in flour, along with Jack. They were trying to make pancakes.
“Uh oh, I think we’ve been busted. ”The boy glanced up to see Jack pointing to Rachel.
“Ah, Momma!” Sammy’s childlike frustration was easy to read. He rubbed two flour-covered hands down the front of his jeans we she tried not to cringe. “We were surprising you.”
“I’m sorry, honey.” She smiled at her son then looked to Jack, her question obvious. Jack shook his head and mouthed, ‘He doesn’t know anything,’
“Okay, Rach, why don’t you sit down and have some coffee while Sammy and I finish up here?”
She waited while he held out the chair for her, then poured her coffee.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to help?” She surveyed her flour-covered kitchen counter doubtfully.
“No, we’ve got it covered, don’t we, buddy? Trust me, it looks worse than it is.”
It surprised her how well Sammy and Jack worked together considering they’d only been around each other a handful of times. Sammy was eager to do exactly what Jack asked. She wondered how much her son had missed by not having a father around to teach him things she couldn’t.
With the pancakes surprisingly perfect, they sat at the table like a family while Rachel tried to decide how to tell Sammy about her relationship with Jack.
“Momma, look, it’s snowing again.” Outside the window, the snow had started falling. At this time of the year, it was commonplace for them to be snowed in by several feet of it. “Momma, how will Santa get through all that snow?”
“I think he’ll manage just fine, honey,” she told her son absently.
“Momma, can I go outside and play for a while?”
She turned to Jack. She couldn’t seem to think clearly anymore, much less answer her son’s simple question.
“Sammy, why don’t you go outside for just a little bit while I talk to your mother and then you can show me how to make a snowman.”
She wondered if Sammy thought it odd that someone he barely knew had spent the night.
Once the boy was bundled for the outdoors, Rachel sat silently watching him through the window as he made snowballs. She still couldn’t think of a single thing to say to Jack.
“You know he’s going to have questions. What do you want to tell him about us?” Jack asked quietly.
She closed her eyes. She didn’t know how to answer that and not reveal all of her fears.
She looked at him. “I need to know what happens if you find out you’re not his father. Are you just going to disappear from his life? I can’t let that happen. If you aren’t going to be there for Sammy no matter what the outcome of that test, then please, don’t get his hopes up.”
He knelt in front of her and took her hands in his. “Do you think I would do that? I would never do anything to hurt that little boy. And I don’t need any test results to tell me what I already know in my heart. Sammy is my son.”
“So what are you saying? That you don’t plan on taking the paternity test?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“But what if you’re wrong? What if you decide one day that you need to know for sure? I can’t let you hurt him. He lost one father already. I can’t let that happen again.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
She closed her eyes against what she saw in his. She wouldn’t let him break her heart again no matter what.
“Rachel, we both want the same thing. Sammy’s happiness must come first. I think having both his parents together will be what’s best for him.”
She didn’t doubt that Sammy’s happiness would be complete, but could she survive being close to Jack again?
“So does your silence mean you agree with me, or that you think I’ve lost my mind?” When she could look at him again she saw that he was smiling and her heart did another little uneasy flip as it always did when faced with that smile.
She took a deep breath and asked the question she needed to know the most. “If I agree, what exactly am I agreeing to?”
“You mean how married will we really be?”
When she nodded her answer because the words seemed to lodge in her throat, Jack grew serious. “I think that will depend on what you want. I’m going to be as honest with you as I can possibly be. I want you as my wife in every sense of the word. Physically, emotionally. But I understand that you may need more time.”
She closed her eyes. She couldn’t let herself get swept up into the emotional rollercoaster ride that was loving Jack Bryant, not just yet.
“I want to go slow. I need to go slow. We rushed things the last time. I want us to take our time.”
He touched her cheek. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”
“What are we going to tell Sammy? I don’t want my son to hate me.”
“Our son. And he’s not going to hate you. Sammy loves you very much. That’s easy to see. Stop worrying so much. Sammy will be okay with it.”
She swallowed hard. She needed to tell him everything. “There’s something you should know…” Before she could find the words to tell him about their son’s illness, Sammy burst through the door, tossing his snow-covered coat and mittens on the floor before rushing into the kitchen.
“Ready or not,” Jack whispered and got to his feet.
“Momma, did you see my snowman?” he exclaimed, his face alight with happiness.
“Yes. It’s terrific, honey.” She forced herself to take a deep breath. “Sammy, sit down for a moment. There’s something I—we need to tell you.”
Sammy slid into the seat next to her as Rachel ran through the words in her head.
“I have something very important to tell you—something that’s going to be hard for you to understand.”
The solemn expression on his face reminded her so much of Jack.
“Honey, you know that I loved your father.” She glanced at Jack and silently pleaded with him to understand. “But Jack and I, well, we were together before I knew your father.” She was making a mess of things.
Jack sat down across from Sammy. “What your mother’s trying to say is that after seeing each other again, we realized that we still cared about each other.”
Sammy sat completely still, staring at Jack like a mini version of him.
Rachel was so grateful that he wasn’t rushing into telling Sammy he might be his father. “What do you think about that?”
“Are you and Momma going to get married? Are you going to be my daddy? Like Jason’s daddy? Are we going to be like a family?”
Rachel’s gaze collided with Jack’s. There was no mistaking the challenge there.
Jack nodded his head. “If that’s okay with you?”
Sammy didn’t hesitate before nodding.
Two sets of eyes, so alike, focused on her, waiting for her answer.
“Honey, if that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do.” And there at last she let go of all her doubts and didn’t hesitate. She’d do whatever it took to make Sammy happy. She’d hurt him by keeping Jack away. Someday, she’d make it up to him by telling him the truth. But for now, she’d marry Jack and accept whatever he had to offer her because she loved her son.
“Yippee!” Sammy jumped up and down, then hugged her tight. He looked a little unsure of himself when he turned to Jack. Sammy didn’t know how to treat this new man in his life yet, but he would in time. He stood there staring into eyes so much like his own before Jack reached out and pulled him into his arms.
“Does that mean you’re okay with having me in your life?”
Sammy nodded a bit shyly but without a second’s hesitation.
“Well, good. Then I think the first order of business is to do some shopping. If what I’ve seen of your pantry
is any indication of what you have for food, then we’re going to starve to death.”
Rachel couldn’t keep from looking at him. She remembered all those times in the past when that same grin Jack wore now had won her over. Even when she was determined to remain strong, she felt its attraction.
“Sammy, why don’t you and I go outside and make sure the truck I rented is okay while your mother gets ready. We should be back in say, half an hour. Will that give you enough time?”
Somehow, she managed to agree. She felt the weight of the past few days and all that had happened between herself and Jack settle heavily on her shoulders.
“Good. And since Christmas is just a few days away, we’ll need to do some serious Christmas shopping.”
She didn’t bother responding, but Sammy’s ecstatic yelp made up for it. Her son was over the moon with happiness. And she had a feeling it had little to do with their upcoming shopping spree.
As Jack helped Sammy bundle up for the outdoors, she tried to control the feeling that history was about to repeat itself.
She’d just agreed to marry Jack Bryant for the second time in her life. She could only hope that this time, he wouldn’t break her heart again.
She glanced back over her shoulder in time to see Jack watching her and knew that he was aware of everything she was thinking at that moment.
Chapter Seven
It was a long time before Rachel could bring herself to face Jack again. She had no idea what he was expecting from this relationship of theirs, beyond being with Sammy. For that matter, she didn’t know what she wanted from it either.
She took her time dressing. Over the years, especially once Sam had passed away, she’d gotten used to wearing jeans and sweaters most of the time. She rarely wore makeup, because it was usually just the two of them. But today, Rachel was conscious of the shadows beneath her eyes and the pale complexion that was the result of far too many sleepless nights spent worrying over Sammy and then Jack.
“Momma, we’re going to Denver,” Sammy shouted with glee when she walked into the great room again more than half an hour later.
“We are?” Her gaze slid to Jack. All the obvious questions there.
“Yes, we are. It’s almost Christmas. This will be a special year for all of us and I want us celebrate.”
Her heart did a little somersault, even though she knew Jack was referring to finding out about Sammy.
The drive into Denver was normally a good hour’s journey from the farm. Today it felt twice as long.
Rachel sat next to Jack with Sammy happily chattering away in the back seat and pointing out different places along the way, oblivious to the tension between the two adults.
“Relax,” Jack whispered so that only she could hear. “Everything will be okay.”
“Momma, are we going to live here or can we move in with Gran?” Sammy had clearly been considering all their options and it was easy to see which one was his favorite.
She closed her eyes. She didn’t want to have this discussion now. Not when she was sitting far too close to the man of her dreams. Jack smiled sympathetically before answering Sammy.
“I was thinking maybe you and your mom could come to live at my place in Austin. I have a big house that will be just perfect for the three of us. And it’s not that far from your grandmother or Uncle Mike. You can see them any time you want.”
“Yippee!”
“I take it Sammy likes the idea of living in Austin?” Jack tried to break the tension reverberating between them, but for Rachel, trusting Jack again didn’t come so easily.
Reluctantly, she nodded. “You could say that. It’s all he’s talked about for days. He didn’t want to leave—” She stopped when she remembered all the reasons why she’d left Austin in such a hurry.
“Then I think you should listen to our son. He’s pretty smart, I’d say.”
“Momma, should I call him Daddy?”
Sammy might be eager to accept Jack as his father, but he was still finding some things a little awkward.
Jack answered the question for her. “Do you want to call me Daddy?”
“Um, yes.”
“Then that’s what you should call me. It’s okay, son. I know this is hard. We’ll get used to each other soon enough. Now why don’t you tell me what you’ve asked Santa to bring you this year?”
For the rest of the trip, Sammy recited by heart the list of things he’d asked Santa for. Most of the stuff was small. She’d managed to pick them up along the way. There was only one thing on the list that she knew would be impossible for her to afford this year. Sammy had wanted this one particular remote controlled car ever since he’d seen it on T.V. and no matter how much she tried to tell him that Santa might not be able to find it for him his year, Sammy wasn’t daunted. He’d simply smile and tell her Santa could find anything.
Jack parked the truck outside of one of the few empty spaces at the mall, which was packed for a weekday.
“Okay, where to first?” Jack opened her door and then turned to look at her while she tried to remember the last time she’d actually been to this mall.
“I’m not really sure—”
Once inside, Sammy spotted the mall Santa right away. “Look, Momma, Santa’s here. Can we ask him about the car?”
Jack waited until Sammy’s full attention was on the Santa and his elf helpers. “What car?”
“It’s a four wheel drive remote control car that he’s had his heart set on ever since he saw it on T.V. a few months back. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I can’t get it for him.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s very expensive. Too expensive for a toy he’ll be tired of in a few weeks.”
He touched her arm. “Rachel, I know what you’re saying, and I know you mean well, but Sammy’s only four. He’s not going to be spoiled by a little overindulgence from time to time. Why don’t you let me get the car for him?”
“No. Jack, he’ll be happy with the gifts he’s getting. He’ll get over the car.”
He touched her arm and held her back when she would have followed Sammy. “Rachel, I have a lot to make up for.”
The expression in his eyes was hard to take. She looked away. She couldn’t think about what she’d done to Jack and to Sammy and not feel guilty.
Jack turned her to face him, reading her thoughts. “I’m not blaming you. I’ve got a lot to make up for with you as well. I want to, if you’ll let me.”
It would have been so easy to go into his arms and forget the past. But she wasn’t there yet. She couldn’t let go of the hurt just yet.
Rachel had stayed with Sammy while he waited to see Santa and Jack disappear to the toy store to buy Sammy his car.
When he returned he was loaded down with shopping bags.
They spent hours roaming the mall, and yet when it was time to go, they had to practically drag Sammy from the place.
It was a long time after they reached the farm again, before they were finally able to get Sammy to sleep. All the way back to the house, Sammy talked nonstop, just happy being a normal four-year-old.
Rachel’s thoughts went back over all the things that had happened in the last week. Her world had turned upside down in a matter of days and she was literally reeling from all the changes that had happened already. She knew there would be more to come.
She’d agreed to marry Jack. She couldn’t quite take that in just yet.
How many times as a young girl in love had she dreamed of this moment? When they’d married before she’d felt as if that dream had come true, and then Jack had broken her heart by telling her their marriage was a mistake.
Now, she couldn’t find a single good thing in their reuniting. There were things to discuss, details to sort through, but for the life of her, she couldn’t consider them right now.
“You’re awfully quiet.” Jack waited until they’d gotten Sammy to sleep and were back in the great room before asking the inevitable question. “What�
�s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m just tired I guess.”
“You never were good at not telling the truth. You’re worried about us, aren’t you?”
She shook her head wearily. “Yes. Of course, I’m worried. You should be worried as well. Jack this is crazy. We can’t just get married—there’s too much bad history between us to even be friends.”
“There isn’t and sit down...please.” His tone forced her to stop midways through roaming around the great room. She dropped to the sofa. With a heavy sigh, Jack sat down next to her.
“I know this is difficult for you. It is for me as well, but Sammy needs a fulltime father. One that can show him the things only a man can. We can work through the rest of the feelings between us as we go along. I promise I won’t rush you. I’m not your enemy, Rachel.”
For so long she’d tried to hate him. She didn’t know how to let go of that anger. “So we just live together as friends?”
His slow grin told her that was the last thing he was thinking. “I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I said that’s all I want. I care about you, Rachel. I never stopped loving you. I know how hard that is for you to believe after the way I treated you, but it’s still true.”
He gently touched her face. She turned to look at him. The sincerity in his eyes made her want to believe him. “Once upon a time, we were friends. Why don’t we start there and see where it takes us?”
Her gaze dropped from his. She couldn’t look at him and be strong. She needed to be strong. “I don’t know if I can, because I don’t really believe you. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I just can’t help but believe if you really cared about me you wouldn’t have treated me the way that you did. You would have fought for us. Stood up to your father. You didn’t do any of those things. You just let me go and you never came after me.”
She got to her feet and moved away. He was too close for comfort for someone still in love with the boy he’d been in the past. And she was too close to tears.