by Nicole Helm
But he wasn’t. He was another person entirely. Somehow it made it easier to talk to him, thinking of him like someone else. Not the brother he’d never had anything in common with, but a man with a certain amount of life experience, just like him.
“The trying-hard thing. Sierra isn’t coming around at all.”
Cole tilted his head, looking Carter over like he’d gone a little crazy. “Carter… It’s been two days.”
“Yes. Two days. I’ve talked to her both days and she still insists that divorce is the only answer.” It was taking everything he was to not act frustrated in front of her. To appear calm and reasonable.
But touching her and having her move away was… He didn’t want to endure that ever again.
Cole ran a hand over his short hair and continued to study Carter with that obnoxious you’ve lost it gaze. “How long were you and Sierra married? A year?”
“In a little over a month it’ll be our anniversary, but we’ve been together over a year now.”
“Okay, so in that year you ended up getting married and having your wife want to get divorced. I don’t think you can fix that in two days. Forgiveness and acceptance and working through problems take time. Jess didn’t exactly fall at my feet when she came and told me to come home to help Dad and the family. Or even when I actually did it.”
Carter frowned. “But it didn’t take that long. You’ve only been home a few months and you two are happy.”
“We are, but we also weren’t married back then. We were teenagers when we were together, and we’re different people ten years later. And…relationships aren’t math, Carter. They’re messy and a lot complicated and different for everyone. You shouldn’t be here telling me it’s not working. You should be with Sierra figuring out how to make it work.”
Carter really resented taking advice from his younger brother, but Cole was here and who else was Carter going to talk to? Lina was even younger and not happy with him. And he knew what his parents would say.
And that was his life. Without Sierra, his entire life was the McArthurs and the hospital. A supposed to, and yet it felt so empty and cold without her in it. When did that happen?
“Go talk to her,” Carter urged. “Keep talking.”
“She doesn’t want to see me,” Carter grumbled.
“Man, what did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything!” Carter started pacing. It was so strange to have this anger clawing inside of him. He wasn’t an angry guy, but it was growing. Every day. And it felt weirdly…good. It felt good to give in to this thing that wasn’t rational. That wasn’t supposed to.
Like Sierra. His not supposed to. He wanted more of that. More of all the good he’d gotten out of going against what he was supposed to do.
“You had to have done something.”
Carter glared at his brother. “Well, whatever it was, I have no idea. And she won’t tell me.”
“Did you ask?”
“Yes, I did.”
Cole sighed. “Look, I’m no marriage expert. I’m no anything expert, except how to wrestle a steer. But you can’t fix it if you can’t talk about what went wrong. If you don’t know, you have to find out. And if she won’t tell you… Well, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but that’s a bit on her.”
“Well, how do I change that?” Carter demanded.
“You don’t. She has to want to.”
“But how do I make her want to?” Cole was so big on wisdom and advice, why couldn’t he give a straight damn answer?
“I don’t think you can. I mean, in the way you’re thinking. You can’t go flip a magic switch or push the right button and she’ll pop open and everything in your life will go back into order. You’re looking for an answer. What you need is a solution.”
“How is that different?”
“It just is.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. I should have waited for Jess.”
“Maybe you should have. But, Carter, listen. I could be giving it to you all wrong. Who knows what the right answer is. There’s only one thing I actually know, and that’s whatever you do, however you handle this… Don’t do it like Dad would. If you really love Sierra, make it be about that. Not McArthur bullshit. No manipulations. No trying to make someone do what you want them to do. That’s what drives people away.”
“That’s what drove you away?”
Cole blew out a long breath. “It’s not why I left, because that was Dad’s machinations. I couldn’t bend to his will, and I knew he’d give a lot more opportunities to Jess if I wasn’t around. So I left. He didn’t give me much of a choice, but all that—him trying to manipulate the situation, trying to make me what he wanted me to be, not what I’d be any good at being—that’s what kept me away. I didn’t want to be part of that. As an adult, I can see that he’s not the evil monster I thought he was, but it doesn’t mean he’s the kind of man I want to be. It doesn’t make him…good. It just makes him complicated.”
“I never wanted Sierra to be anything but herself.”
“Does she know that? Did you show her? Did you tell her? Jess and I are still working through this whole together thing. Figuring out how it’s going to work. Figuring out what we need from each other. Half the time I wouldn’t have a damn clue if she didn’t tell me, and I’m sure it’s vice versa. We weren’t born to be mind readers.”
“And that doesn’t make you think you shouldn’t be together?”
“No. We’ve been apart and we’ve been together. Life’s better together. I’m better with her. I love her. That’s the simple part. The hard part’s putting in the work. And I think… Well, we were raised in the McArthur image. Be perfect. Don’t let anyone see the cracks. That works in some areas, sure, but not when it comes to love. Love is all about letting people see the cracks.”
Carter couldn’t mask his look of disgust. Maybe that’s how Cole felt. Or Jess, but it didn’t make any sense to him. If you loved someone, why would you show them the worst of yourself?
“Jess is on twelves so she won’t be home till late. I hate eating alone so if you want, you can come by for dinner. I’ll have Lina over too.”
“She doesn’t want to see me,” Carter noted.
Cole’s mouth quirked. “That going to stop you?”
Dinner with just his siblings. It would be weird. Uncomfortable. Something he wasn’t sure they’d ever really done. Definitely not as adults.
But the thought of spending another night alone in his house was worse than something a little weird. “Okay. I’ll be here.”
Chapter Six
“I’m not going.”
Sierra looked at Lina’s stubborn expression and fought the urge to say good. But as much as she felt some childish desire to have someone on her side, someone being just as upset with Carter as she was…Lina was his sister. And more, Sierra didn’t want Carter alone and hurting. She just wanted her own hurting to stop.
“You should go,” Sierra said firmly walking down the street in front of the hospital with Lina. They were both bundled up against the cold, and Lina would have to go finish her shift soon, but it felt good to get out of her mother’s company for a little bit. Not because it was suffocating or disapproving as Sierra had anticipated, but because she was always five seconds from accidentally letting it slip she was pregnant.
If it was just Mom, she might have told her. But Mom would inevitably tell Dad and Sierra wasn’t ready for that yet. Not when things felt okay between them. Dad hated Carter and blamed him for everything. It might not be true, but it felt good for her father to take her side for once. It felt good to coexist with her parents like… Well, almost like they were friends.
“He might be my brother, but I know whatever happened is all his fault.”
Sierra tucked her chin into the big collar of her coat. She didn’t want to talk about whose fault it was. That always confused her feelings, had her over-examining every second of the past few months and she’d so much rather move on.
/>
No point dwelling in conflict. Love was supposed to be good and supportive and happy. Well, theirs hadn’t turned out to be. The end. Obsessing over the story’s details didn’t change them any.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” Lina demanded.
“For thinking it’s all his fault.”
“Well, it is, isn’t it?”
“I’m sure your parents don’t think so.”
Lina rolled her eyes. “My parents can’t see past their own eyeballs. It’s funny, I used to think it was just because Carter must be so much better than us. Or, after Cole left, that Dad just ignored me because I was lacking in the penis department.”
Sierra snorted out a laugh. Lina could always be counted on to say the frankest, funniest thing.
“But the thing is, I don’t think it’s about Carter really. Whatever warped thing they’ve got going on with him stems from all the…issues. Carter’s been holed up ignoring everything and everyone the past few days, you know. Won’t talk to anyone, even Mom. She’s livid.” Lina smiled.
“I’m sure he’ll be back in no time.”
“Probably,” Lina agreed. “And I still think he’s a jackass at fault but, if it helps you feel better, he isn’t like himself at all.”
Sierra thought about the two interactions she’d had with him today and yesterday. Lina was right. Even though he was still recognizably Carter, there were elements of him that were…off. The snippy comment about her carrying his baby—that wasn’t Carter at all.
“I wish I could just skip ahead till this didn’t hurt anymore,” Sierra grumbled as they turned around and started to head back to the hospital.
“I said that about residency the other day. One of the older doctors gave me this big lecture about enjoying the moments, because they all have pros and cons, and when you move on there will be things you miss.”
“I guess that’s true.”
“I think it’s old-people bullshit.”
Sierra snorted.
“I mean, how is life not going to be more fulfilling once you’ve got your own choices to make?”
“Well, life is full of choices you have to make that you don’t want to. I’d rather not be divorcing your brother. I want it to work. It just doesn’t. It’s not a fun choice, even if it is mine.”
Lina huffed. “Men are turds. I’m going to be alone forever.”
Alone forever. It gave Sierra a little shudder to think of her life stretching before her alone. Except she wouldn’t be. She had a baby coming, and she had her family.
Still she couldn’t help picturing herself alone in bed night after night. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t conjure up a fictional future partner who didn’t have Carter’s beautiful face.
But worse, so much worse, she had no problem picturing Carter with someone else. A doctor probably. A tall blonde doctor who would have eight million degrees, teach their baby French or something, and whisk everything Sierra had ever loved away—including this town.
What an awful, awful thought. And stupid. Because if Carter found someone else, she could too. Maybe not a doctor but a…a… Someone. Who did something.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” Sierra forced herself to say. “You won’t be alone forever. Someone will come along who’ll make you swallow that sharp tongue of yours. You know, instead of run screaming in the opposite direction.”
It was Lina’s turn to snort. “I won’t hold my breath. Better get back.”
“Don’t stay away from Carter on my account, okay? As much as I appreciate it, I don’t need you to take sides. I want you to be happy, and Carter’s your family. I don’t hate him or anything. I’m frustrated and hurt and upset but I know… It’s not like he purposefully did something to hurt me. We just didn’t work. That’s life, I guess. And you learn from your mistakes and move on to find the things that work.” God, she prayed that was true.
Lina chewed on her lip for a few seconds. “I guess. But it’s hard when you really want something to work and it doesn’t. I really wanted you and Carter to work, and I know you did too.”
Since Sierra felt like crying, she shrugged and looked away. “Yeah, well. I’ll see you around. Maybe we can actually sit down somewhere warm and have lunch next time you have a day off.”
“Yeah. Definitely.”
“Bye, Lina.”
“Bye.”
Sierra huddled into her coat more, but instead of heading for her car, she decided to walk toward the Marietta River. Spring was still weeks if not months off and the wind was cold, but it was a sunny day and something about the brisk walk with Lina had felt refreshing.
Or maybe it was just the talking. The thinking about things instead of trying to ignore them. Maybe that’s what Carter meant with all this five minutes business. Sure, he wanted to keep their marriage alive, but maybe instead of shying away Sierra needed to be strong enough to have those conversations. To create closure. For both of them.
Surely if she could find some closure she’d be able to picture a different future for herself than lonely nights.
Surely.
*
Carter didn’t understand the point of suffering through dinner with his siblings. But then again, he didn’t see much point in suffering through dinner alone.
He wasn’t ready to suffer through dinner with his parents. He couldn’t face them until he had some hope he and Sierra could work things out. No doubt they’d both heard the hospital rumors and he couldn’t stand to think about their reactions.
The thought of listening to what his mother or father had to say about it was… No. He just couldn’t do it. He’d fix things first. That was all there was to it.
So, here he was. Pulling up to where his brother lived, their grandfather’s old house. Going to have dinner with the brother he’d pretty much only ever fought with.
His jaw practically dropped when he realized Lina’s car was already parked there. Not just his brother, but the sister who currently thought he was a self-centered jackass.
Was he sure this was better than being alone?
Well, he was here anyway. He pushed his car into park and then stepped into the quickly falling dusk. It was bitterly cold, the wind whipping against his face making him wish he’d thought to put on a stocking cap even for the short walk to the door.
Still, he moved forward, knocking on the door and stepping inside when Cole opened it. The front door opened right up into the kitchen, the dining table right off the edge.
The room was warm if Lina’s expression was not. She sat at the table, glaring at him.
“Almost ready if you want to sit down,” Cole offered somewhat stiffly.
“Sure,” Carter said, regretting this decision wholly as he walked toward the table. “Hi,” he offered to Lina.
“Hi,” she replied, and he braced himself for something snide as he settled himself into the chair across from her, but she didn’t say anything else.
“First rule of family dinner,” Cole announced, settling a bottle of cheap whiskey at the center of the table. “You say something asshole-ish, you take a shot.”
“I don’t drink,” Lina retorted, her expression mulish.
“Then don’t say something asshole-ish,” Cole replied easily.
Carter could only stare at Cole. Carter still had this image of Cole as a young, angry teenager, even though he’d been back in Marietta these past few months. But Carter hadn’t spent much time with him.
To see him, tall and broad and scarred from a decade of rodeo life, to hear him talk with the kind of assurance and candor Carter wasn’t used to from anyone, it was disorienting. Now he was ordering Carter and Lina about and…
Well, Carter didn’t know how to respond. There were so many things about the past few months that felt like he’d woken up from some decades-long coma. Everything around him foreign and different. His parentage. His siblings. His wife.
Cole shoved a large bowl of some muddy-looking chili
in front of him, and then an identical bowl in front of Lina. He went back and got one for himself. “Drinks are on your own.”
Lina rolled her eyes and got back up from the table. “Let me guess. Milk. Beer,” she said pointing to Carter then Cole.
“Water,” Cole said about the same time Carter said, “beer.”
“Don’t tell me things are actually changing around here just when I’m getting close to leaving,” Lina muttered, rummaging through Cole’s kitchen—well, Jess’s kitchen. Cole and Jess’s kitchen.
Yes, things were changing, and for the first time in his life Carter envied Lina a little bit. He should have gone away for his residency. He should have put his foot down. Done Doctors Without Borders or something—anything—for him, not Dad.
Who was not his father.
That still didn’t make any sense to Carter, but it didn’t cut him to the quick quite as painfully as it had at first. In fact, after the events of the past week it almost felt like relief. Any failures he made didn’t reflect on the man who couldn’t abide failure.
Lina placed the drinks on the table and resettled herself. “So, what’s the point of all this, Cole? I don’t really think it’s for fun.”
“Not fun, exactly. But for the future. Our future.”
“Is this some creepy business proposition? Are you going to try to sell me leggings?”
Cole’s expression went puzzled. “What are leggings?” He shook his head. “Whatever. It’s not business. It’s life. The rodeo circuit is heating up and I won’t be able to be gone for just weekends anymore. A good six months of being on the road lies ahead of me, and Jess will be with me some of the time but most of the time she’ll be here. I don’t want to leave her with a nest of surly, bickering McArthurs.”
“Didn’t worry you ten years ago,” Lina pointed out.
“I’d make you take a shot for that except you’re right. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it wasn’t. But I’m not eighteen anymore and neither are you.” He turned his gaze to Carter. “Or you. We’re adults. I don’t know about you two, but I have a future to build. I’m going to marry Jess once we’re ready. We’re going to have a family at some point. Here, in Marietta. Home. I need to know… I can’t fix Mom and Dad. Maybe they don’t even need fixing. I don’t know. But if I’m going to build a family here, I want the McArthur name to mean something to my family, or for them. Not the way it means something to Dad. I want it to mean they have a family. Support, no matter what choices they make. Love. Security.”