by Nicole Helm
She wanted that.
“I’m not sure how to handle my family,” Carter said, pained. “I wish I had a pill I could prescribe them to make them not be so hard. I wish…”
“I know it isn’t easy for you not to know exactly what to do.”
He smiled sheepishly. “Transparent, am I?”
“We should try to be.”
He nodded solemnly. “You’re right. Come on.” He ushered her over to the couch and they sat, curling into each other, reminding Sierra of those early days of marriage when they’d sat together and watched a show or made out happily until he’d scoop her up and take her to bed.
“I don’t have answers for my family, but we’ll find them. Together. I think everything that’s happened… It’s certainly made me aware there are times I need to, and can, say no to my mother. To my father. I felt for so long I owed them this perfect son, and I’m not even sure why I felt that way. Maybe it was just easy because it meant I didn’t have to make decisions. I didn’t have to risk failure. I’m not sure I would have ever realized that if we hadn’t talked last night.”
“It was hard, and I’m sorry I ran away. You were right. I do it when it matters. When I think failing will hurt more than anything. But that’s silly, because it’s not like it’s life or death. I need to be stronger.” She reached out and touched his cheek. It was bristled with a day’s worth of growth now and he looked a little rumpled.
It felt right somehow, her perfectly tidy husband all rumpled and messed up. Because love meant being uncomfortable sometimes and not doing or looking or feeling like you’d choose to.
He grabbed her hand and pulled it from his face, then grabbed her other and held them together between his, so earnest and that fierceness still. “I want you to tell me, when it hurts. When you need me. I need you to tell me, even if I don’t get it. Even if you need to knock some sense into me. I need help, Sierra. Help to get it right. I never thought I did, but I can’t figure it all out on my own.”
“You’re right. I thought love would be easy, effortless, but that isn’t it at all. It’s the thing you work the hardest for because it’s the most worth it. But I need you to tell me when you’re hurt, too. I tried to reach out at first when you’d found out about your father, but you were so cold, so shut off. Then I found out you didn’t confide in me. You lied to me and let me find out at that awful meeting, and I just… It hurt. It wounded me. I was afraid to say something because I thought that would end it, and then it ended anyway so that was stupid. And I know… Looking back, I know you wouldn’t have pushed me further away if I’d told you it hurt me.”
“But maybe I would have,” he said, shaking his head sadly. “Because I was so sure I had to figure out how I felt, file it away and know what to do before I could talk it over with you. With anyone. I didn’t want you to have to… I thought it would be wrong of me to lay that at your feet.”
“It might have scared me. It might have been too much. Maybe I wouldn’t have handled it right. God, we have an awful lot to learn, don’t we?”
“I think…” He took a deep breath and let it out. “As long as we want to learn it together, we’ll get through the rough spots. The mistakes. As long as we always come back to this place right here where we talk it out. Because I love you, Sierra. I never, ever want to come that close to losing you again.”
“I love you too,” she whispered since her throat was so tight. Then, to really get their new start off on the right foot, she admitted the other prevalent feeling in her chest. “And I’m scared.”
He pulled her into his arms, onto his lap, holding her close and tight. “I’ll keep you safe,” he whispered into her ear.
“We’ll keep each other safe,” she whispered, leaning in to him, relaxing fully for the first time in months.
Because it wouldn’t be perfect or easy or happy, but it would be a good marriage full of hard work, hope, and love.
Chapter Fourteen
A month later
Sierra kept pressing her hand to her stomach. Not in the way she usually did these days, trying to find some evidence of the baby growing somewhere in there. Tonight, she was nervous.
Not that she could pinpoint why. She loved parties, and rather enjoyed being the center of attention, which her and Carter would no doubt would be.
But Dr. McArthur and Mrs. McArthur were going to be there and Sierra wasn’t sure she was prepared for whatever their reaction was going to be. She and Carter had decided to keep their distance from his parents while they worked on getting their marriage back on track. He saw his father at the hospital, and occasionally went and had lunch with his mother on his lunch break.
But it wouldn’t always be that easy to simply keep their distance. They lived too close, and Carter’s life was too entwined with theirs through the hospital. Besides, the McArthurs weren’t evil.
Whether Sierra liked it or not, they were her unborn baby’s grandparents. Which meant, loath as she was to admit it, she had to try to find some peace with them. Maybe, like a marriage relationship, that would take some giving pieces of herself she didn’t necessarily want to give.
She shook her head. Some other day she’d worry about that. These days, she took worry one step at a time. And tonight wasn’t about worry. It was about celebrating.
“Oh, don’t you look pretty,” Kaitlin exclaimed, stepping into the living room. She was wearing a pretty sundress herself, though she had a baby blanket draped over her shoulder. Ellie was settled on her hip in an adorable purple dress with ruffles and layers.
Sierra would be happy whether her baby turned out to be a boy or a girl, but having a girl to dress up, a girl who could be a friend to Ellie… Oh, that would be sweet.
“Thanks. My hair’s okay?”
Kaitlin nodded and Sierra ran her hand over her white dress. She still wasn’t showing, and Kaitlin was still the only one who knew, but that would change soon.
The white lace she was wearing wasn’t anything as elaborate as her first wedding dress had been, and this wasn’t really a wedding per se. It was a renewal. An announcement. A surprise for just about everyone in attendance.
“Mom’s not going to approve of the extravagance.”
“Mom’s going to hear second grandbaby and not care about anything else,” Kaitlin reassured.
Sierra smiled. “I’m so glad we’re telling everyone. Secrets are not fun.”
“Let me see again.”
Sierra went over to her purse on the table and pulled out the sonogram picture. It was just a viability scan, no clue as to the sex yet, but it still gave Sierra something tangible to hold on to. This little blob was in her, growing just as he or she should be.
Ellie babbled and waved her chubby fists and Sierra couldn’t believe her life was going to have this at the end of the year. It still seemed so very far away.
“We should get out there. Everyone had arrived when I came in to change Ellie. Carter’s with the officiant and said to come out whenever you’re ready.”
“I look okay?” Sierra wasn’t usually so needy in the reassurance department when it came to her looks, but it seemed easier to worry about how she looked than how this was all going to go.
“You look gorgeous.”
“Okay.” She walked with her sister to the back of the house. Carter and Cole had spent most of the afternoon decorating the backyard themselves. Fairy lights and streamers. Nothing extravagant. Nothing that would tip people off that they were attending something other than an anniversary party.
When she stepped out the sliding glass door, Carter’s back was to her. He was wearing a suit, though it was more a khaki color than anything dark or heavy. He was standing with Cole, Luke, and Beckett, who were dressed more casually in jeans and button-up shirts and boots, talking about something or other. She liked that the families could mingle like that, even if it was only the younger generation.
She surveyed the rest of the group. Jess and Lina were huddled together laughing about so
mething. Her parents were together on a bench, talking to each other and laughing. They looked relaxed and happy, more so than she was used to seeing them. That was nice. A reassurance of sorts. Sometimes she hadn’t figured her parents loved each other very much, but she saw it clear as day now. Maybe they’d had their own problems, but had worked through them. Just as she and Carter had.
Sierra smiled at the thought and glanced over to where Dr. and Mrs. McArthur sat on two lawn chairs, somewhat removed from the group. They weren’t talking to each other. Instead they were looking around imperiously.
Sierra almost felt sorry for them, but then Carter turned around and his easy smile widened when his gaze met hers. After that, she didn’t think about anything or anyone else except the man who crossed to her.
She held him off as he approached. “Don’t you dare kiss me when my makeup is perfect.”
He leaned forward, though didn’t kiss her as she’d half feared, half hoped. Instead, he lowered his mouth to her ear. “Well, I’ll save messing it up for later, then.”
It sent a delightful shiver through her and then he was grinning down at her, which just made her feel soft, and happy. She’d noted that they both smiled a lot more lately. It wasn’t all joy and happiness, like she’d originally thought marriage should be, but it was a lot easier to be happy when you were talking than when you weren’t. It even managed to make the normal happy a little brighter.
“Ready?” he asked, excitement clear as day on his face.
She nodded as Carter slipped his arm around her waist, his excitement almost settling most of her nerves.
“Everyone? If I could have your attention here for a few moments.”
Slowly the small group of McArthurs and Shullers quieted and turned their attention to Carter.
“We want to thank you all for coming,” Carter said, his arm firm around her waist. She leaned into him, always so impressed at how good he was in front of a crowd. “I know we billed this as an anniversary party, but it’s a little bit more than that.”
The small group of their family murmured amongst themselves, and Sierra was glad they’d done it this way. Keeping to themselves over the past month, wanting to really build their foundation. But they were ready to start spending more time outside themselves, and especially make strides with both their families to build workable, respectful relationships.
“Sierra and I didn’t just want to celebrate the first year of our marriage, we wanted to recommit ourselves to it. Symbolically. In front of all of you, in our home. So, we’re going to have a short renewal of vows ceremony, and while we considered doing it just the two of us, we really wanted our families to be a part of it. Most of you know because you’re doing it yourselves, but marriage isn’t easy, and having a supportive family is so much of what got us through the past few months.”
“I would have been lost without my mom, Jess, Lina, and most especially Kaitlin,” Sierra said, feeling oddly teary. She’d never expected her thank you to make her cry, but it was hard to put into words how much it meant that she’d been able to turn to all four women and find the woman she wanted to be in the midst of it. “You four supported me, gave me amazing advice, and were just there when I needed it. It means the world to me.”
“And I have to do something I never thought I’d do, which is credit my younger brother’s advice and my little sister’s help with waking me up from a very insular, selfish space. Cole, Lina, thank you. I’d be lost without you.”
The people being thanked looked on, a wide variety of expressions, though they all registered some amount of shock and quite a bit of pride.
Carter cleared his throat. “So, if you’ll all find a seat.” He gestured for the officiant and Sierra and Carter moved to the place they’d practiced earlier. Carter took her hands as they faced each other, and the officiant began.
“Carter, Sierra, you’ve decided to renew your vows on this beautiful evening, not making new promises to each other, but repeating old ones with better knowledge of what they mean. In front of your families, friends, and God, do you recommit to each other, promise to love, cherish, communicate, for as long as you both shall live?”
“I do,” Carter said, smiling and squeezing her hands.
“I do, too,” Sierra echoed, giving his hands a squeeze back. It was simple, but it was all she’d wanted. A little symbol for them to carry around in their hearts, and love surrounding them while they did it.
They turned back to the crowd who gave an enthusiastic round of applause with a few cheers and whistles.
Carter cleared his throat. “There’s just one more thing.”
Everyone paused in their moves to congratulate the happy couple.
“Since we’re celebrating love and futures, we want to announce…” Carter turned his gaze to her so she brought her hand to her stomach.
“We will be a family of three come November.”
“I knew it,” Mom yelled, delighted and making everyone else laugh. Then it was a throng, everyone coming up with hugs and congratulations. Mom cried all over her and even Dad seemed emotional. Jess and Lina chatted excitedly and hugged her a few million times.
When Dr. McArthur and Mrs. McArthur came up to them, Sierra braced herself for… Well, something unpleasant.
“Congratulations, Carter,” Dr. McArthur said holding out his hand.
Carter shook it. “Thank you. And congratulations to you too, Grandpa.”
Dr. McArthur looked almost taken aback for a second. He quickly recovered himself, but Sierra felt something close to warmth from the cold man for the first time. Maybe it was a sign of things to come.
She glanced at Mrs. McArthur, waiting for something a little more scathing. But Mrs. McArthur tried to smile. At least, that’s what Sierra thought the older woman’s mouth was doing.
“Congratulations. I’m very pleased. My first grandchild. How exciting.”
Sierra didn’t think Mrs. McArthur seemed excited, but she was trying to be civil, which was a first. Maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was just the sheer joy of the whole night and being able to come through all that ugliness to be here in this moment of perfect happiness, but she reached out and gave Mrs. McArthur a quick hug.
When she released Mrs. McArthur, the couple quickly moved off and toward the table of refreshments. Sierra turned to Carter.
“Did that just happen? You hugged my mother.”
“She seemed to need it.”
He shook his head, then lowered his mouth to hers. “Fair warning. I’m about to ruin your makeup.”
“Hm. I guess I’ll allow it.” And she let the man she loved kiss her in front of their friends and family, with their child growing in her stomach. If perfect days existed, she’d found hers, and she’d remember it forever.
*
November 2016
“It’s going to be all right.”
Sierra shook her head. “It isn’t. Because it isn’t possible. It’s not going to come out. It’s not.”
“She’ll be out soon enough,” Carter soothed. “Just breathe.” Outside he was calm, cool. A doctor who knew how these things went.
Underneath his shirt he was sweating and a little afraid Sierra was right, even though as a doctor he knew it wasn’t physically possible. Their baby would come out. He held Sierra’s hand as she pushed through another contraction. His heart couldn’t seem to beat normally and he felt a little light-headed.
He’d never expected the whole experience to be overwhelming considering he had at least some experience on the medical side of things. But it was something else to watch your wife struggle. To hurt. Mixed in with the smells and the sounds and he didn’t know how she hadn’t passed out.
How he hadn’t.
“She isn’t coming out. This won’t work. I can’t do it,” Sierra moaned in a rush of breath after another long push. She looked absolutely miserable in the hospital bed, her hair pulled back, her face red and sweaty. She’d had an epidural but it hadn’t seemed to take awa
y the pain like it was supposed to, and now it was too late to fix that.
“You can do it,” Carter assured her. He squeezed her hand and wiped the sweat off her face and prayed like hell that she would actually do it because this was agony.
If he admitted to her that he felt agony, he was pretty sure she’d manage to physically harm him even in the midst of labor.
She shook her head, but with the next contraction she took a deep breath and pushed and moaned. Carter felt helpless next to her, but he held on to her and said any encouraging word he could think of.
“We’re almost there,” the doctor assured Sierra. “Just another push or two.”
“I can’t. I can’t.”
“Come on, baby. One more good push and then we’ll get to meet her and decide on that name.”
Sierra let out a breath that sounded more like a sob, which nearly cut Carter in half. They were never doing this again. It was too awful.
“That’s it, that’s it,” the doctor urged. In a moment that was something like a blur, there was suddenly the odd little wail of a baby. The doctor pulled out the wriggling mass and immediately put her to Sierra’s stomach.
They both looked down at the wrinkly little thing, still messy. He’d seen this, done this as the doctor putting the baby on the mother, but that didn’t prepare him for seeing his daughter.
“Look at her,” Sierra whispered, stroking a hand down her cheek. “She’s real.”
“And tiny.”
“And perfect.” Sierra looked up at him, tears in her eyes. “I know we had two names picked out, but I came up with a third last night.”
“What’s that?” Carter asked idly, looking down at his daughter on his wife’s chest. His. Theirs.
“We’ll get her all cleaned up now, okay?” the nurse said, picking up the baby and wiping up the mess.
“Okay,” Sierra agreed reluctantly, watching with desperate eyes as they moved to the other side of the room and cleaned the baby up and measured and weighed her.
“Six pounds, ten ounces,” the nurse announced cheerfully. “Twenty inches long. She’s looking good, Mom and Dad.”