Because whenever I felt Alex’s breath or fingertips or hands on my skin, I felt not only desire and want and longing, but anxiety and alarm and fear. And a little voice begged ‘please don’t touch me’ before it made me ‘run run away’.
No matter how much I wanted Alex, wanted to kiss him and hold him and feel him next to me: the fear was always there. It always had been. Long before Alex even arrived in the Whitsundays.
“Pete,” I began softly, it was hard enough to admit this in the privacy of my own thoughts let alone out loud. “I don’t know if I…I – I don’t think anything can ever happen between me and Alex.”
“Why not, Hay? It’s not because of the other girls is it because he’s done and dusted with those floosies and I’ve seen the way he looks at you and I think you were right about him all along. He’s not like that anymore, anyone can see tha-” Pete broke off suddenly. He stared at me and I could see his brain finally putting two-and-two together and after a pause and a sharp intake of breath he said, “Oh, that.”
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the roof of my car.
Pete was the only one I’d ever told. The only one who knew what had really happened at Dave Matthew’s house all those years ago.
“Oh sweet pea,” Pete said in a soothing voice as he put his massive arm around me, “I thought you put that behind you and move on a long time ago.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought too. I guess not.” I’d always have to deal with it. Always.
“Wait a minute….why were you running,” Pete growled suddenly, and I looked up into his eyes which had narrowed darkly. “Did he – did he do something to you? Because if he did I’m going to – ”
I cut him off. “It wasn’t anything like that, Pete. Alex didn’t do anything wrong. I just…freaked. You’re right, I like him. I really like him and I think he really likes me too. I get him now. I see him, who he really is and I think he’s possibly the most amazing guy I’ve ever met,” I paused to look at Pete as if to say ‘present company excepted’, “but whenever Alex gets too close…” and then stopped and cringed and Pete finished for me.
“It all comes back.”
I nodded grimly.
Pete put his arms around me and hugged me close. He and Sean were the only two guys whose touch didn’t send me spiralling into long buried memories filled with fear and panic and guilt and despair. For years I’d blocked it all out and numbed the pain and put up walls to stop others from getting to close and now when I wanted to open myself up to someone other than my brother or best friend, when I wanted to move past the past, I couldn’t separate those emotions so intrinsically linked with touch even though I knew Alex wasn’t the person who hurt me.
Alex had let down his shields and allowed me to get closer to him and I wanted to do the same. I just didn’t know how.
CHAPTER 38
ALEX
Maria needed a package collected from the hardware store on Main Street and I’d lazily driven the four blocks from school and parked behind the tourist arcade. Why there was a tourist arcade in Proserpine I didn’t know. The only tourists who ever visited were those who’d taken a wrong turn off the highway on their way to the beach. Satnavs must have been working that day because the arcade was empty and Main Street was mostly deserted except for a few kids stopping off for sweets and icecream or a spot of shoplifting on their way home from school.
I was walking back to my car, my aunt’s package tucked under my arm, when I caught a glimpse of a sweaty, pale white head glistening in the sunlight.
Pete.
Dave had Pete hoarded like an animal up against the wall of the next-door pub, his hands spread out in a threatening gesture blocking any chance of escape. I could feel Dave’s fury and Pete’s fear from where I stood. Even though Pete had the advantages of being at least a foot taller and 50 kilos heavier than Dave, it was obvious he wouldn’t stand a chance against Dave’s muscle and agression. Pete was a marshmallow facing down a battering ram. He’d be Phish Food in seconds.
“Not so cocky now are you Pete?” Dave growled, “Not Hayley’s not around. What do you two do together all the time? It’s not like she’s your girlfriend.”
“Are you jealous, Dave? You want to be my girlfriend?”
Pete wasn’t going to go down without a fight. He was either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. I was trying to work out which when Dave stepped forward and punched Pete in the stomach and Pete doubled over on himself.
It was amazing Dave’s fist made an impact with all that padding. Still, I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. I mean, anyone could tell Pete didn’t have a violent bone in his body. He was an easy target and there’s nothing I hated more than a bully.
“Hey Dave,” I called as I walked over. Dave spun around, surprised at the interruption.
“Alex?”
“Hi,” I said trying to appear friendly. Dave was easier to manage that way. He looked me up and down for a moment, probably wondering if I was going to cause trouble. He must have got his answer because the next second his eyes narrowed and he threw me a stay-out-of-this-its-none-of-your-business look. I decided to get in first.
“Let him go.”
“I didn’t realise you and Pete were….intimate,” he sneered.
I refused to take the bait and tried to look non-threatening. “Come on Dave, leave him alone mate,” I said.
“Mate? We’re not mates anymore. Not since you fucked my girlfriend.”
“I didn’t sleep with Krista.”
“Why not? Everyone else has, or is she not hot enough for you? Is pretty boy here more your type?”
“Come on Dave, leave him alone.”
“Hey, we’re just talking. Aren’t we Pete?” Dave looked back at Pete who was trying to straighten up while gripping his stomach. Pete must have hit him hard. “We’re talking about what a fat, ugly, cocksucking queer he is.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “What are you, Dave? Eight?”
Dave turned his glare on full force. I’d been stupid to laugh.
“Fuck off Alex.”
“I never took you for a bully Dave.”
“Fuck. Off. Alex.”
I sighed. This was harder than I thought it would be. Time to change tactics.
“Why do bullies always pick on people who can’t fight back? Is that why you use the roofies, Dave? So they can’t fight back?”
Dave’s glower rivalled the sun in intensity. I’d betrayed his nasty secret. For a second I worried I’d thrown oil on the fire as Dave looked like he was ready to explode. Bloody hell, this guy had a short fuse and neither Pete nor I, nor Pete and I, were any match for his brutal strength if he lost it. Shit. I’d stupidly walked into this fight and now I quickly needed to think of a way to get out of it, preferably in one piece, and I couldn’t leave Pete behind so I used the only leveraged I could think of.
“How do you think Hayley’s going to take it if you beat up her best friend?”
Dave’s eyes widened when I mentioned Hayley’s name and he seemed to deflate slightly as the tension in his shoulders eased and his arms dropped to his sides.
That’s what this is about. It’s Hayley. Dave likes her.
I’d always wondered about his interest in her and his reaction was confirmation. He’d probably had a thing for her for a very long time. I wondered if anyone else knew. Did Hayley know?
“Hayley would hit the roof and never forgive you if you did this,” I persisted. “She cares about Pete more than anyone and I guarantee she’ll never even speak to you again if you hurt him. Think about it Dave.”
Dave’s eyebrows creased together in one long unibrow as he thought this over. The seconds ticked by and after a long moment he slowly took a step away from Pete, his fists still clenched at his side. Dave glared once more at both of us letting us know that this wasn’t over.
I nodded in acknowledgement to Dave and motioned to Pete.
“Come on”.
Pete p
icked up his bag and hobbled towards me making me wonder if the punch I’d seen Dave land on him hadn’t been the first. As Pete reached me, I turned my back on Dave and we walked together towards my car on the far side of the carpark. Despite his earlier bravado, Pete seemed shaken.
“Can I give you a lift home?” I asked Pete, shooting a glance back at where we’d left Dave but he’d disappeared in the time it took us to reach the car.
Pete gave my car a once over. “No thanks,” he said, “I don’t think my physique was considered when they designed your mini-ature vehicle.”
I smiled. “Probably not,” I admitted feeling some of the tension lift as I drummed my fingers on the warm rooftop.
“Thank you, Alex.”
“Don’t worry about it. I hate bullies – I’ve got three for parents. I suppose it about time I started standing up to them too.”
“I don’t see how you and Dave can still be friends after this.”
“He was never my friend in the first place, not really. He’s someone I occasionally hang around with or at least I used to hang around with. What’s his problem with you anyway? Is it because you’re gay?”
“Yes and no. He does hate me because I’m gay. We played spin the bottle when we were twelve and Dave got me. I swear on my life he liked it and he’s hated me ever since.”
I mouthed an ‘O’ in understanding.
“And,” Pete continued, “I’m Hayley’s best friend and he has this thing about her. But I think you already guessed that.”
“Yes.”
“Stupid idiot thinks I’m competition…he just doesn’t get the whole I-don’t-like-girls-I-like-boys thing. Dave’s not the smartest jellybean in the box.”
I smiled. I admired Pete’s what-you-see-is-what-you-get attitude and told him so.
“You’ve got balls Pete. It’s not easy coming out and admitting you’re different.”
“Cheers old boy,” he replied, mimicking my accent and making me grin. A cheeky grin stretched across Pete’s face and he said, “you have a nice smile, Alex. You know, if you ever feel like turning…”
I burst out laughing. The guy had narrowly escaped a nasty beating and there he was making jokes and trying to turn adversity into opportunity. No wonder he and Hayley were friends, they were so alike. At least in that way.
“Thanks, Pete, but I’m…I’m interested in someone else.”
Pete thought about this for a moment as if debating something. Finally he said, “She really likes you Alex.”
How could she? It was impossible. Inconceivable. Every time I got close to her she ran away. I wanted to believe Pete but I couldn’t. It hurt too much when your hopes were crushed.
“I don’t think she does. Not as much as I like her.”
“Trust me. She wouldn’t have gone to Dave’s house looking for you if she didn’t really like you.”
He just had to bring Dave’s party up.
“You have no idea how much I regret what happened that day. But I know I had it coming. I’m not a very nice person.”
“She thinks you are…and so do I. You’re just trying to work out who you really are. We all are. I think you’re putting on a good show and pretending that everything is ok, but its not, is it?”
I paused for a moment. It didn’t surprise me anymore that so many people here were able to see right through me.
I shook my head. “No, everything isn’t ok but it’s getting better,” I said, not looking at Pete as I spoke. Being honest was hard.
“It’ll work out,” he said, his voice full of conviction. “Just be honest and real – that’s my motto anyway. Just be yourself.”
Pete’s mouth spread into gappy-tooth smile and with a dainty flutter of a wave he turned and sauntered down the arcade.
Just be yourself. That had also been Charles’ advice. Problem was, I was still trying to work out who I was.
CHAPTER 39
HAYLEY
Alex’s Mini was in the car park when I arrived at the pool a little after 7am when the sun was still slowly rising over the sleepy town. I knew he would be there even on a freezing winter’s morning. Brits have a freaky resistance to the cold; stripping off to shorts and t-shirts when normal, sane people wore heavy woollen coats. It was a bitterly cold morning and the water would be freezing but no doubt a few hard-core pensioners would be stubbornly breast-stroking their way from end to end even as their fingers and toes turned blue. Nothing kept the wrinklies from their early morning swim. They made them of tougher stuff in the old days.
I spotted Alex wearing his distinctive Olympic style swimsuit in the fast lane the second I walked in. Just a few laps, I told myself, to work up enough courage to speak to him then I’d apologise. I stripped off my sweats and dived into a free lane before I could chicken out. The second I hit the water my muscles instinctively contracted and I let out a string of expletives in my head. GOD DAMN IT! The water should’ve had an inch of ice crusting on top. I gritted my teeth and forced myself as fast as I could down the lane, my muscles burning in protest.
If the thought of seeing Alex could inspire me to happily partake in ice-cold water torture then I must have been crazy. But his pull was that strong. I had to see him. I had to be near him. Not so crazy to prolong my time in the water though. Ten laps later I stopped to look over at the fast lane and found it empty. Turning around I saw that Alex was out of the pool and standing with his back to me by the changing rooms. As I watched, he unzipped the top half of his swimsuit and rolled it down to his hips and started towelling off. For the first time I saw the terrible extent of the scars on his back, the worst of which started at his hairline and ran a jagged line of fury down the side of his neck and across his shoulder blade.
Then Alex stepped out of his full-body suit to reveal a pair of trunks underneath and I could finally see the whole horrible, violent area of scaring that disfigured his right thigh. How did he ever manage to pass this off as a sporting injury?
I was out of the pool in a flash.
The true extent of his injuries was far worse than I’d imagined. The raw wounds must have been horrific, like something out of a war zone. To think I’d casually told him he looked like he’d been turned inside out! Christ! How could I have said that? It was so tactless. He really had been turned inside out.
I stood shivering by the side of the pool, whether it was from the cold or the sight of Alex’s injuries I didn’t know. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as I walked over, my determination firming when I realised Alex could have dried off in the warmth of the changing rooms but he was outside where everyone could see him. Where I could see him. He had always been so careful to hide his scars but now it was as if he wasn’t holding anything back anymore. I’d arrived at the pool that morning intent on telling him my story but I think Alex wanted to tell me his first.
I stopped when I was close enough to touch him and he must have known I was there but he didn’t turn around. Very slowly I brought my fingers up to the scar on his neck, my hand trembling slightly from nervousness. I’d never voluntarily touched a guy before, except for Pete or Sean, and they never made my skin tingle on contact. Alex held very still as my fingertips gently traced the jagged line down his back. He stood so still he didn’t even seem to breathe. I was surprised I could remember to breathe. Somehow I managed to form the words I’d wanted to ask him for months.
“Alex, how did you get your scars?”
Alex’s shoulders rose as he slowly inhaled a deep breath then he turned to face me, his face open, resigned. His eyes held mine for a beat and he said,
“I tried to kill myself.”
CHAPTER 40
ALEX
“My uncle and aunt are away for the weekend,” I said as I opened the front door to the house and motioned for Hayley to go inside. We were supposed to be in English, listening to Mr Evans drone on and on for an hour but Hayley had followed me home from the pool.
“I’ve never been here before,” she said, taking in the entra
nce hall and the uninterrupted view.
“You’re the very first person I’ve invited home.”
Hayley smiled. “It’s incredible.”
Not as incredible as was what I was about to do. I’d never told anyone the truth or divulged my most terrible secrets. It felt like I was preparing to flay myself alive and expose my core; the place where I hid my pain and shame. At the end of it Hayley would know everything. The fear of her rejection was great.
“This way,” I said, leading her further into the house, further into my secrets.
“Where are we going?”
“My rooms are downstairs.”
She followed me down to the lower floor. When we reached my living room I tossed my bag onto the floor and asked her to take a seat while I went to the small kitchen. Hayley sat down on the sofa and curled her legs under her. I could feel her eyes on me. Waiting.
“Would you like something to drink?”
“Sure. Thanks.”
I found a couple of Cokes and put them on the glass-topped table in front of her, then sat at the other end of the sofa. I was more nervous than I’d ever been. What would she think of me after she hears the truth? I suspected she’d run away again for sure but this time she’d never come back. I picked at a stray fibre on the sofa. I ran a hand through my hair. I avoided her eyes.
Hayley sipped her Coke and said nothing, letting me take my time. I wanted to delay this conversation forever but the voice in my head had other ideas.
Just get it over with.
So I took a breath and began before I lost my nerve. Surprisingly, my voice didn’t betray the churning of emotions inside. If anything I sounded weirdly detached, even to my own ears and once I started, I couldn’t stop.
“When my parents sent me here I thought they were sending me to hell but I was already in hell. My parents are extremely demanding, suffocatingly so. Sometimes it feels like they have me locked in this windowless box made entirely out of sheets of titanium and there’s no door, no vent, no possibility no hope of escape. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough for them and no matter how hard I try, it’s not hard enough. Everything is analysed and criticised and compared and I’m always found lacking. Always. They’ve this whole life planned out for me – in intricate detail – and I have no choice but to do as they want because they hold all the power. I’m expected to do whatever they tell me to do and be whoever they want me to be. My whole life, I’ve been pretty much pretending to be someone I’m not just to make them happy. Just to win their approval. I hate it.”
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