by Emily Bold
Lauren was lucky that Ben stopped by that afternoon, right after she’d picked Alyssa up from a friend’s house. On their way home they had bought donuts at a local bakery, hoping to lure Mia from her room with a cup of cocoa and a treat.
‘Uncle Ben!’ Alyssa cheered and wrapped her arms around his neck. He twirled her around, as if she was on a swing ride, and the little girl squealed.
‘If you drop her, I’ll kill you!’ Lauren cautioned, preferring not to look as he threw her youngest up in the air. Instead, she made coffee and heated some milk.
‘Don’t worry, this is good training,’ Ben reassured her, but Lauren remained skeptical. Trying to save her baby from his clutches, she said: ‘Alyssa, honey, why don’t you go upstairs and see if your sister wants to come down for a donut and a cup of hot cocoa.’
Ben let go of the little girl and followed her with his eyes as she scampered up the flight of stairs.
‘So I see you have very little faith in my abilities!’ He went to join Lauren in the kitchen. ‘You look pale,’ he noted and carried the plate over to the table, but not without putting a piece of donut in his mouth first.
‘Mhm, I know. I’m coming down with something. Doctor Fisher says I’ve got a stress-induced migraine.’
‘Do you think good old Doctor Fisher knows what he’s talking about?’
‘He’s a doctor. And he’s got decades of experience,’ Lauren joked, picking up on Ben’s allusion to the physician’s advanced age.
Ben laughed and shrugged his shoulders.
‘Maybe I should take the girls off your hands for today so you can get some alone time?’ he offered generously, before reaching for another donut.
‘Sure, why not? If you don’t mind?’
Mia came scuffling down the stairs, followed by Alyssa.
‘Mom, are you sure we can go with Uncle Ben? I mean, he’s a boy and all!’ she hissed and pulled up the legs on her chair, with her knees sticking out over the edge of the table. Without even looking at her mother, she took a glazed donut from the platter and started pulling it apart, spreading crumbs all over her placemat.
Irritated, Lauren raised an eyebrow but chose to ignore her daughter’s behavior.
‘That was my donut!’ Alyssa called out, tugging at Mia’s arm.
‘They’re all the same, silly. Leave me alone!’
‘If they’re all the same, then why are you eating mine?’ Alyssa wailed. Ben pulled the little girl into his lap while Mia continued griping: ‘I don’t see your name written on it anywhere!’
‘Alyssa, look, this one right here is so nice and shiny, I’m sure it’s got the most chocolate glaze of them all.’ Ben tried to appease the sisters. Alyssa pushed out a trembling lower lip and snatched the donut he was holding up in front of her.
‘All right, girls. If you’re ready to calm down, I’m ready to take you to Sealife. What do you think? With all this rain coming down we may as well go diving!’
Alyssa cheered with such enthusiasm that pieces of donut fell out of her mouth, and Mia pulled a disgusted face. Still, her face brightened too. It was barely noticeable, to be sure, as she wouldn’t want to admit to be excited about looking at different types of fish – even if she secretly enjoyed it.
When Tim came home later on that afternoon, Lauren was alone and napping on the sofa.
‘Hi,’ he whispered, sitting down beside her. ‘Did the kids move out? Why is it so quiet around here?’
Lauren laughed and looked around. Alyssa’s toys were scattered all over the place.
‘I just hope they come back for their stuff – they can get their own apartment for all I care.’
Tim breathed a kiss on her cheek, and nodded.
‘So it’s just the two of us? For how long?’ He grinned a devilish grin, and Lauren giggled.
‘Probably not long enough. Ben took them to Sealife.’
Tim put an arm around her and kissed her neck.
‘We haven’t had a moment to ourselves in, like, forever, so . . . I don’t think it’s going to take very long,’ he joked, slipping his hand under her T-shirt and letting it wander over her belly.
Lauren stopped him, and sat up. After her two pregnancies she’d gotten more and more self-conscious when it came to her belly. She no longer counted every calorie, to be sure, and knew that Tim liked her just the way she was, but this part of her body was still something of a conflict area to her.
‘I’ve got a migraine,’ Lauren clarified and couldn’t stop herself from laughing when she realized how that sounded.
‘Oh dear!’ Tim raised his eyebrows and nodded sagely. ‘So we’ve become one of those couples, have we?’
Lauren laughed and leaned in to kiss him.
‘I guess so.’ She reached for his hand and interlaced her fingers with his. ‘But seriously, Tim, I’m not in great shape today. I don’t know what’s going on, but I feel terrible.’
‘Didn’t you go and see your doctor the other day? ’
‘Yeah, but . . . I’m starting to get worried.’ She stopped, then looked into his face, blushing with embarrassment. ‘I got confused today, Tim. I mean, really confused – I forgot to pick Mia up. That scared me. And you can only imagine how upset she was.’
Tim squeezed her fingers reassuringly.
‘First of all, Mia gets upset about everything and anything, and second of all, things like that happen. No need to worry about it.’
‘I was standing in the parking lot at the mall, Tim. I got into my car . . . and then I forgot where I was going. Mia completely slipped my mind. How can I not worry?’
Tim didn’t reply. He nodded and smiled at her tenderly.
‘All right, Lauren. If it makes you feel better, let’s go and get a second opinion. From a doctor who knows their stuff better than Doctor Fisher.’
* * *
Everyone’s eyes were on Lauren now. Never before had she spoken this openly about everything that happened during the past year. They all knew, of course, but to hear it directly from her was all the more terrifying.
The bonfire was dying down, the moon was advancing over the night sky . . . But nobody seemed to notice. They were hanging on her every word.
‘I remember exactly how scared I was. Scared that the doctors might find something.’
At the Clinic
The air inside Burlington Medical Center smelled of disinfectant. The waiting area was stocked with information leaflets, from grievance counseling to substance abuse to early detection of a serious illness.
An older lady opposite Lauren was leafing through a magazine, and a youth who had snatched up the only corner seat was filling out a registration form while biting his nails. He smelled of cigarette smoke with a hint of marijuana.
Under normal circumstances, she would have shrugged it off. But since Mia was slowly getting to an age where she might want to date this kind of guy, Lauren thought about things differently. Her only hope was that Mia was smart enough to stay away from drugs – and from unsavory young men.
‘You’re all right?’
Tim’s question yanked Lauren from her thoughts, his blue eyes full of worry.
Nervously, Lauren wiped her hands on her jeans. Her palms were cold but felt sweaty at the same time.
‘Just a little nervous. This hospital atmosphere is making me nauseous. I’m counting the minutes until it’s our turn.’
Tim placed his hand on her knee and softly nudged her with the tip of his shoe.
‘You shouldn’t worry about it too much. We’re in good hands here.’
Lauren knew that Tim was right. Still, the simple fact of her being here was like a bad diagnosis in itself.
‘Lauren Parker, room number 205 please. Doctor Eckhard is expecting you,’ a nurse in turquoise scrubs called out. She was holding Lauren’s medical history under her arm and hurriedly led the way.
Tim handed Lauren her purse and took her hand.
I’m with you every step of the way, he seem
ed to say.
Holding on to him and taking a deep breath, Lauren entered the examination room.
Doctor Eckhard looked surprisingly young. His smile was warm, and his eyes were full of energy. He did not look like the kind of doctor who pulled one twenty-hour shift after another. When he shook her hand, it felt encouraging, and he asked her to take a seat by his desk. Some of Lauren’s pent-up tension started to melt away. How bad could the news be if it came from such a friendly-looking face? Doctor Eckhard seemed to spread positive energy and dissipate anxiety.
He leafed through her registration form and got right to the point. ‘Headaches. Ongoing, for several weeks.’
Lauren smiled a shaky smile.
‘Have you ever had these or similar symptoms before?’ he asked, typing away on his keyboard while keeping half an eye on the monitor.
‘No. I feel fine otherwise. It’s just headaches. My family doctor, Doctor Fisher, thinks it might be a stress-induced migraine.’
Eckhard nodded.
‘Under normal circumstances there’d be no reason to suspect otherwise. But I’m a little worried about the fact that you’ve had them for so long, so I don’t think we should take it too lightly.’
He leaned back in his chair, and smiled reassuringly.
‘Headaches can be caused by all sorts of things. Stress is, in fact, one of the main reasons. But there could also be neurological issues, vascular problems, an undiagnosed inflammation, or even tissue alterations.’
Lauren swallowed. This didn’t sound reassuring at all. At least Doctor Eckhard seemed to know what he was talking about, which was encouraging.
‘I’d like to ask you a few questions regarding your symptoms if I may.’
‘Of course,’ she agreed, squeezing Tim’s hand. His face, too, had regained some color since they had been in the waiting area.
‘Have you noticed any neurological malfunctions?’
Lauren wrinkled her forehead. ‘Uh . . . malfunctions?’ she repeated quietly, tapping her finger against her lip.
‘Any numbness in your arms or legs, loss of vision, loss of language, or sudden clumsiness,’ Doctor Eckhard helped her along.
‘Oh, I see . . .’ Lauren rubbed her forehead. She found it disconcerting how both Tim and the physician stared at her so expectantly. ‘No, I don’t think so. I find it hard to concentrate, and I’m a little irritable – but that’s probably because of the headache.’
Doctor Eckhard placed his hands together as if in prayer and gave Lauren a deeply pensive look.
‘Would you describe being irritable as a change in your personality?’
Suddenly, she no longer liked the look in his eyes. His questions were making her nervous, and again she wiped her hands on her jeans.
‘No . . . I mean . . . I don’t know. I don’t think so . . .’ She hesitated, but then resolutely shook her head. ‘No, I don’t think so.’
Eckhard leaned forward and smiled again.
‘Very well. Anything else out of the ordinary? Nausea, vomiting? Impaired balance?’
Lauren tilted her head to the side. Yes, in the mornings she sometimes felt nauseous – from the pain. And sometimes she felt a little dizzy, maybe. But those weren’t proper symptoms.
‘I just haven’t been feeling well. So, sure, sometimes I feel nauseous or lightheaded. But it’s not bad enough to affect my everyday life.’ She wrestled down that gloomy feeling that his questions stirred within her. How could you not agree to all kinds of illnesses when being analyzed in such a way!
‘You’re forgetful,’ Tim interjected quietly. ‘You’ve been very forgetful lately.’
Lauren glared at him. Why would he stab her in the back like this? She felt betrayed, as if he were sharing her moments of weakness with the entire world. Not that she was trying to keep anything from Doctor Eckhard, but there was no point making a mountain out of a molehill.
Fortunately, the doctor only nodded and then placed his hands together once more.
‘Very well, I think that’s all we need for now. I suggest we stop taking stabs in the dark and send you for an MRI. A look inside the head will provide clarity.’
Lauren swallowed. She had never before needed to submit to such a procedure, and she felt uneasy about it.
‘Don’t worry, MRIs are completely painless. We will administer a contrast agent, and then we take pictures, which we can discuss with you the day after the scan.’
He pushed back his chair and rose.
‘Go see the reception desk for an appointment in the next couple of days. They’ll also hand you an information sheet, giving you details about the MRI procedure. No need to be worried, it’s just a routine check.’
He held out his hand, and once again his friendly calm transferred over to Lauren.
There was no reason to worry. Doctor Eckhard was just being thorough, and once the scan showed that everything was fine, she’d be able to relax again. If she was being honest, she had to admit that the question of whether or not something was actually wrong with her had been plaguing her for quite some time.
In the evening, they took their small boat and rowed out into the lake, taking Alyssa with them. The evening sun kept them warm, and there wasn’t so much as a breeze. Tim took long, powerful strokes, and the soft sloshing of the oars against the water had a calming effect. Lauren let a hand glide through the water, enjoying the feeling of the current against her fingers. Through half-lidded eyes she watched her daughter who, wearing a pink-sunhat on her shock of unruly curls, looked cute enough to eat. Alyssa had brought her teddy bear along and was in the process of explaining how he should remain seated inside the boat lest he should trip and fall into the lake. Tenderly, Lauren caressed her cheek and took a deep breath. Her head felt light and free – no pain, no throbbing, there was only this fresh air and the soft splash of the waves. It felt foreign, almost.
Tim’s eyes were resting on her, and she offered him a happy smile. They rarely took the time to enjoy moments like these. But since he had taken a personal day at the firm so he could be with her at the hospital, they wanted to make the most of it. Besides, they’d been promising Alyssa a trip for weeks. When Tim pulled in the oars, satisfied with their distance to the shore, the little girl cheerfully clapped her hands.
‘Will we catch a fish, too?’ she asked, but Tim shook his head.
‘I think we better leave the fishing to Grandpa. I say we plop ourselves down, right here in the sun, dangle our feet in the water, and count the birds flying overhead in the sky.’
With that, he grabbed the blanket and cushions they had brought along, and spread them out over the floorboards. Happy, he slipped down from the bench seat onto the bedding, and tapped the cozy space next to him.
Alyssa took off her hat, crawled over to him, and curled up in the crook of his arm, with her mass of curls spreading out over Tim’s face. The two of them looked adorable.
Tim’s bright-blue eyes squinted against the setting sun, and his lips curled up into a promising smile as he looked at Lauren and reached his hand out for her.
‘Come, Mommy, lie down next to us,’ he asked, making enough room for Lauren to slip in.
‘I’d rather keep looking at you from up here. The two of you look like a pair of little angels.’
Alyssa giggled, pressing her teddy bear against her chest. Tim winked.
‘A sinner with the face of an angel,’ he whispered, pulling Lauren down onto the blanket with them.
Laughing, because the boat was rocking back and forth alarmingly, Lauren lay down with her loved ones and closed her eyes. She found the red fireworks behind her lids deeply relaxing, and Alyssa’s soft whispering soothed her overstrained nerves. With their young daughter between them, Tim placed an arm on Lauren’s upper thigh, gently caressing her.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked quietly, trying not to disturb Alyssa playing with her teddy bear.
Lauren nodded.
‘Yes. But Doctor Eckhard scared me
a little,’ she admitted reluctantly.
‘I think he’s just trying to be on the safe side. You heard what he said. There are countless reasons why you could be getting headaches, and most of them are nothing to worry about. So, relax.’
Lauren smiled, but quickly closed her eyes again.
‘I will.’ She reached for his hand and squeezed it.
Alyssa sat up and dipped her fingers into the water.
‘Try not to fall in!’ Lauren warned.
‘I won’t,’ she reassured her, inching closer to the side of the boat where she started scooping water.
Tim slid closer and wrapped his arms around Lauren. Kissing her neck, he whispered into her ear: ‘Everything’s going to be fine.’
* * *
‘Which, at the time, was what we were hoping for. But maybe hopes are like plans: You’re better off without them.’
An owl hooted nearby, interrupting Lauren’s story. She massaged her temples, trying to reduce the piercing headache by taking slow, deep breaths. Everyone seemed relieved at getting a break, and there was movement in the group. Ben got up and went to get a beer; Rachel glanced briefly into the stroller next to her and sat down in Mason’s lap. It was getting very late, and everyone seemed exhausted. And yet, nobody wanted the night to end.
Not even Lauren. She knew that the morning mist would rise above the lake only a few hours from now, and that later, once the sun had started rising, they would all be on their way. And that for each and every one of them, things would never be the same again.
The Diagnosis
Lauren’s hands were ice cold. She could feel the breeze coming through the open doors and brushing her calves, and hoped that Doctor Eckhard wouldn’t keep them waiting much longer. They were sitting in his office, waiting to discuss her MRI results. Lauren felt almost the same sense of claustrophobic anxiety that she had during her examination inside the MRI tube. She wrestled down the panic inside of her, trying instead to focus on her breathing.