by Emily Bold
Lauren smiled. She took Mia into her arms and kissed her on top of her for once not perfectly straightened hair.
‘Because we love each other – that’s why. And we will until the bitter end, Mia. And beyond. That’s something worth holding onto, don’t you think? I’m going to love you, your sister and your dad, even when I’m no longer around. And I hope that you’re not going to stop loving me, just because I can’t be with you anymore.’
‘Dad said you had a year and a half left to live.’
The cloud cover thickened. The sun disappeared behind it, and Lauren instantly noticed the drop in temperature.
‘A year and a half is the average life expectancy for people with my diagnosis, Mia. It means nothing. I’m not going to start counting the days. And you shouldn’t, either.’
‘But it’s not a lot of time, Mom. Shouldn’t you make the most of every day that you have?’
‘I am. I’m sitting here, with you – and there’s nothing else I’d rather do.’
‘Fine, but why are we sitting here? Only because I didn’t go to school today! Otherwise you’d be loading the washing machine and ironing Dad’s shirts.’
‘Because that’s real life, Mia. Cooking, washing, ironing. And I like doing it. For you. I’d be doing it for the next one hundred years – if I could. And just because I don’t have a hundred years left doesn’t mean I’m going to stop now.’
‘But isn’t there something you’d rather do? I mean, you know, before . . . before you . . .’
Lauren pulled a face.
‘Of course. Before I die I’d like to see you graduate high school, fall in love, and I’d like to see Alyssa have her first day at school and see her graduate, too. I want to see you smile on your wedding day, and see how happy you are when you hold your own child in your arms for the first time. I want to sit next to your dad as an old lady, and hold his hand. I want to travel to Italy, admire the art of famous painters and sculptors, the architecture . . . But I’m going to do none of those things, no matter how much I want to. I’ve cried so many tears over these last few days. But believe me when I say that the days I regret the most are the days I spent crying – because they were wasted days. I don’t want to cry anymore – I want to live for as long as I can.’
‘But what am I going to do without you?’
‘You’re going to go to school, take care of your sister and your dad, and one day you will stop being sad.’
Mia nodded. They were holding each other, and their tears flowed as one.
‘What a stupid plan, Mom!’
Lauren laughed. Yes, she’d never been very good at making plans.
* * *
Mia was sobbing in Lauren’s arms. As Lauren looked up, she noticed many weeping faces around her. It was hard, so hard – especially for the children. Lovingly, Lauren pulled a blanket over Mia’s narrow shoulders. The night was cold in spite of the fire, and knowing what was to happen the next morning made it feel colder still.
Lauren tried to wash down the lump in her throat with some wine. Her hands were shaking and she was in complete turmoil.
‘After that conversation I started to rethink things. I realized that it wasn’t important what I was going to lose – nothing I did could change that – but rather what we made of the time that remained.’
The Rest of Her Life
The kids were tucked up in bed and Lauren stood by the window, staring out. Tim couldn’t help but admire her strength. She had told him about her day spent with Mia, and now she seemed lost in thought. He poured each of them a glass of wine and went to join her.
‘What’s out there?’
Lauren turned to him. Her copper-colored curls framed her face, and she looked positively serene. Very different from the days before.
Maybe it was because, despite his misgivings, Doctor Eckhard had scheduled her first radiation appointment for the day after tomorrow. After that, Lauren would also start with chemotherapy.
‘Our yard. I’d like to pull out those dark bushes over there and plant some perennials instead. That would lighten up that corner.’
Tim peered over her shoulder.
‘Sure. If that’s what you want to do, we’ll do it.’
‘Now would be the best time,’ Lauren mused.
‘Now?’ He sounded if doubtful.
‘Well, not now now I mean – now, in the fall. It’s the best season to replant bushes.’
Tim seemed reassured.
‘Oh, I see. But in the winter those perennials are going to look awfully bare. Maybe we should wait until the spring?’
Lauren nodded reflectively.
‘If that’s what you think. Let’s wait, then.’
Tim led Lauren to the sofa where he pulled her into his lap. He handed her the wine, and she took a sip.
‘Are you glad your therapy’s starting?’ he asked, leaning back against the cushions. His hands were resting on Lauren’s waist, and as always he pushed his hands under her T-shirt.
Lauren nestled into his arms. That way, she didn’t need to make eye contact. She needed to tell him something and was worried about how he was going to react.
‘I’m not sure I want to start this therapy,’ she said quietly.
Tim stiffened. He thought he’d misheard.
‘What did you say?’ he pressed, searching Lauren’s face for an explanation.
Uneasily, she shook her head.
‘I’m talking about the radiation – and about the chemo. I’m not sure I want to do that to myself,’ she confessed reluctantly.
Tim could not believe what he was hearing.
‘Lauren!’ he shouted, incensed. He found it hard to keep his voice down. ‘What are you talking about? Of course you’re going to get treatment!’
‘Oh, really? And for what? You still don’t get that I’m going to die, no matter what I do, do you?’
Tim pushed her away and got up, breathing heavily from barely contained anger.
‘Getting those treatments buys you time, Lauren! Precious time! That’s not something to throw away lightly! I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.’
‘Tim, you heard the doctors when they talked about the side effects. You know how sick I’m going to be during and after the chemo!’ Lauren had stood up as well and was pacing up and down the room. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to put up a fight, Tim! I do, honestly, I do! Don’t ever think that I don’t!’ She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye, because she didn’t want to start crying again. Didn’t want to sink into wretched self-pity, but instead talk sensibly about what was going on in her mind.
‘Well, what else am I going to think, Lauren? This therapy is going to be hard, I know that, but it’s the only way to beat this cancer!’
‘Maybe you could think about me for a while!’ she snapped. ‘Do you think I want to spend the months I have left lying in a hospital bed? Far away from my family? Far away from you?’
‘Bullcrap, Lauren!’ He glared angrily. ‘We’d be with you every step of the way, and you know it! And if your treatment is successful, then you’ll have more than only a few months left!’
Lauren stayed silent for a while. She wanted to fight, wanted to beat this cancer. But she knew that is was impossible. The tumor had had too much time to spread to her cells. Her tissue was riddled. Every treatment came with a long rap sheet of risks. She wished she could cling to the hope that the therapy would work with the same confidence Tim had, but she couldn’t. Time was running out, and she didn’t want to waste a single day.
‘Maybe you’re right, but what kind of a life would that be? I might even be too weak to get out of bed! The side effects are enormous, you know that. And Eckhard made it very clear that any therapy would only buy us extra time but never heal this thing entirely.’
‘That’s right, extra time! I don’t think you realize how little time you have left if you do nothing.’
Lauren let out a bitter laugh.
‘Oh
, but I do, you bet your ass I do! You have no idea how much this prognosis has influenced my decision,’ she explained firmly, finally reaching for his hand. ‘I don’t have much time left, Tim, no matter which way we look at it. And this time I do have left . . . I want to spend it well. I want to live, enjoy life, maybe fulfill one last dream . . . and I can’t do that if I’m stuck in bed, weak and miserable and dealing with nausea and vomiting. I don’t want our kids to see me fight – and suffer – and lose in the end.’
He stared at her in disbelief.
‘Would you rather they see you give up?’
Lauren let go of his hand and walked over to the patio doors. Again, she looked outside.
‘I’m not giving up. I’m choosing one path over another, Tim.’
‘It’s a path nobody in their right mind would agree with – not me, not your parents, and most certainly not our children.’
‘Because none of you needs to go through these goddamn therapies!’
‘No, because we all love you and need you! You can’t abandon all hope and watch the tumor inside your head grow bigger and bigger, only because you’re afraid to feel nauseous during chemotherapy!’
Lauren didn’t reply. She didn’t know what to think, never mind what to do. One moment everything seemed clear – and the next moment it all looked entirely different. ‘Get your affairs in order, Lauren,’ Eckhard had advised. Her affairs? She wondered what he had meant by that. Maybe she needed more time to come to terms with everything. She owed it to Tim and to her children to make smart decisions. Maybe Tim was right. She massaged her temples and focused her eyes on the night-time yard outside.
‘Everything is a blur. Eckhard recommended some kind of post-surgery therapy to help me train my vision and my balance,’ she changed the subject.
‘So are we done discussing your chemo? I didn’t realize that we’ve come to an agreement.’
Lauren looked at her husband and smiled.
‘Yes. I’m going to think about it one more time. Happy?’
Tim walked over to her and hugged her from behind.
‘I’m only going to be happy once Eckhard finds that your cancer is in remission.’
The next day, Lauren set up a spontaneous breakfast date with Rachel. She needed a little distraction.
As always, they met at the diner, and Lauren arrived slightly out of breath. She didn’t trust her eyes enough to get behind the wheel, and so she had walked the entire way in spite of the rain-heavy, cloudy sky. Using her legs felt good, but she realized how out of shape she was.
As she climbed the stairs to the front door, her pulse throbbed painfully behind her temples, and she was glad she had brought her pills.
Rachel was already waiting and came walking toward her. She hugged Lauren before pulling her into the red leather seats beside her.
‘Oh, sweetie! How are you feeling?’ she asked, worried, and Lauren noticed tears in Rachel’s almond-shaped eyes.
‘I’m all right. All good,’ Lauren said appeasingly. It was the weirdest thing. She understood why people around her reacted the way they did, but it still made her feel self-conscious. It was as if everyone were holding a mirror to her face, showing her that she was no longer one of them.
Which was silly, of course, because Rachel was only being kind. And yet, it made Lauren feel excluded. As if she was no longer part of the living world. As if everyone was in on the joke – only she hadn’t realized it yet.
‘What . . . ? Why . . . ?’ Rachel stammered, keeping her eyes focused on her brand-new baby belly. ‘You wanted to see me, so . . . what is it?’
Dear lord, this was brutal! As if they ever needed a reason to meet up before! These last few days Tim and Lauren had kept to themselves. After all, there were a few things to work out. Their friends had been understanding and not pestered them with countless questions. They’d given them the space they needed to find their feet again after that awful diagnosis. And maybe she and Tim had needed a little alone time, too, to process the news.
‘It’s nothing. I . . . I just wanted to get away from my house for a little while.’
Lauren felt so uncomfortable next to Rachel that she almost regretted being there. Fortunately, the waitress arrived and broke the awkward silence.
As always, they ordered pancakes with maple syrup, plus coffee. The waitress jotted down the order on her pad while chewing gum with an open mouth. Lauren wondered if the owner of this diner made it a point of employing only weirdos. After the zombie chick from a while back, they’d had one waitress with a noticeable mustache, and – not to forget – one with bright-green hair and a passion for facial piercings. A lady noisily chewing gum was almost harmless compared to that litany of predecessors. Still, in this moment Lauren felt closer to that group of creepy outsiders than she felt to Rachel, who, elegant as always, was sitting next to her wearing a fashionable maternity dress.
‘Do you know what it’s going to be yet?’ Lauren asked, pointing toward Rachel’s belly.
‘We want it to be a surprise,’ Rachel explained and pulled a face. ‘Well – actually, Mason wants it to be a surprise. I would love to know whether it’s going to be a girl or a boy, if only for the clothes I still need to buy.’
‘I totally get that! I don’t think much of finding out after the birth, either. I still have plenty of super cute pink onesies left from the girls, so you can have them if you like.’
‘Provided I’m going to need pink . . .’ Rachel pondered with an amused smile on her face. ‘I have seriously considered asking my doctor – without Mason finding out.’
‘Don’t be silly. Just tell him that you can’t stand the wait. Besides, it’s a lot more practical to find out beforehand.’
Rachel nodded, and her smile faded.
‘I’m sorry, Lauren. I . . . I didn’t want to talk about baby stuff. I want to know how you are. So how . . . how are you coping?’
Lauren took a deep breath. Talking about babies had been a welcome distraction. Such a normal thing. Sooo the opposite of cancer. But she knew that she would have to give her friend something.
‘I don’t know what to do. I have digested the diagnosis, but the possible outcome of any of the therapies is so vague that I am seriously questioning if I should even take that route. Tim wants me to go through radiation and chemo, but . . .’
The coffee and the pancakes arrived, and Lauren poured a nice thick lather of golden maple syrup over her plate before she continued. ‘But, honestly, I don’t know how I feel about that.’
Rachel looked at her for a long time. It was an urgent look, but not awkwardly probing.
‘And what do you want?’
Lauren laughed, pushing a piece of syrup-dripping pancake into her mouth. The sugary goo gathered in the corners of her mouth, and she licked it off with a grin.
‘I want to go to Italy.’ Thoughtfully, she put down her fork and looked at Rachel. She wasn’t joking. She really wanted to go to Italy. It was crazy, because at the same time she wanted so much more than that. Suddenly and painfully she had realized that she would need to start doing the things she wanted to do before it was too late.
‘Then you should go. Take your kids, take Tim, and fly yourselves to Italy!’ Rachel was gushing. ‘Listen, I know what it’s like when life kicks you in the butt – but you can kick it right back!’
Lauren laughed. The more time they spent making plans and daydreaming, the closer she felt to Rachel again. For ten years, everyone thought Rachel would never have kids, and eventually they had given up hope. And now her best friend was sitting right across from her, pregnant, and she couldn’t be happier. Miracles did happen! Sometimes they just needed some time.
‘You know what?’ Lauren pushed her empty plate away from her and looked at Rachel with determination in her eyes. ‘You’re right! And Tim is right, too. I’m going to do the radiation. I’m not going to throw away my life. I will fight for every day, and then I will go out into the
world and prove that this girl can’t be beaten down.’
Rachel beamed and wrapped her arms around Lauren. Her perfume smelled of all the memories of their years together, of a friendship so deep that they might as well have been sisters.
‘Oh, sweetie, I’m so glad you’re saying that! You’ve never been one for giving up easily!’
* * *
Lauren got up and peered into the stroller. The brand-new baby boy had been fast asleep for hours. The crackling fire, the occasional burst of laughter – nothing could wake him. He was gorgeous, and Lauren had never seen Rachel happier than during these past few months. She felt almost guilty for letting her illness and her problems spoil her friend’s happiness. And Mason and Rachel truly deserved to be unconditionally happy.
‘I remember how full of doubt you were. How scared you were of the therapy,’ Rachel recalled. Lauren nodded and massaged her throbbing temples. She squinted and took deep and deliberate breaths. She wanted to keep going, and so she slowly sat down again amid her circle of friends.
‘Radiation sounded so dangerous. Like science fiction. Like laser guns and radioactivity. I was surprised that it was completely pain-free. And uninvasive.’
Positive Outlooks
‘Look, my first tattoo!’ Lauren joked, showing Chris and the others the tiny marks that had been tattooed into her scalp.
Chris was seriously impressed as he admired the tiny, inconspicuous crosses engraved in blue ink.
‘Very artistic, Lauren,’ he said. ‘Maybe I should get some, too.’
Everybody laughed, and Mia slumped down onto the couch next to him.
‘But you’ve got no room left,’ she noted dreamily.
Chris gave her a wide grin.
‘Oh, Mia, there is still plenty of room on certain parts of my body!’
Rachel squealed with laughter, but Lauren almost choked on her water.
‘Chris!’ she called out in shock, but he kept grinning and whispered something in Mia’s ear. Mia pulled a face and disappeared into the kitchen, no doubt to share some of this stupid conversation with her friends on Facebook. Lauren marched over to Chris and slapped his upper thigh.