My eyes darted across the room to my computer. There, on the desk, neatly folded and tucked in an envelope, was a letter from Duke.
I didn’t need to open it to know what it said. The words had been branded into my eyes and disrupted my very existence.
Congratulations! You have been accepted off of the waitlist to Duke University’s sports medicine fellowship program.
What was I going to do?
I felt like two people sharing a body: the woman who came into town a doctor and a city girl, and the woman who loved Andrew and could ride a horse and haul hay.
I’d told myself time and again that I wouldn’t get into the program, so there was no sense in telling Andrew about the application. It would fade into the background of my life and be nothing more than a blip. If it ever came up, I could flick it away as easily as a mayfly.
On the other hand, I argued that nothing with Andrew was set in stone. We hadn’t made any promises to one another. I could pick up and leave, I wasn’t tied to this town or to him.
But both of those arguments were lies.
I’d been accepted.
And I loved Andrew with all my heart.
The letter weighed on me like a mountain of lead. I threw myself across my bed and let out a huge sigh that should have shaken the whole house.
Astrid hopped up next to me. I turned to scratch her ears. “What am I going to do, girl? I really don’t know what the right thing is. Which one of these lives is the real me?”
I didn’t feel the thrill of excitement I’d anticipated when I’d filled out the application. Back then, I’d been all about finding another way to live my dream, to accomplish the goal I’d set when I was five years old.
I glanced at the letter, which had landed just above my head. A date caught my eye. I scrambled to my knees and pulled the paper up to my face.
Class starts Monday, September 2nd!
What?
I flipped the paper over, looking for some explanation as to why I had such short notice. That was this coming Monday!
I scanned the information. I’d been wait-listed but didn’t even know it. If I was going to do this program, I’d have to get there fast. There was so much to do. Books to buy. I had to find an apartment …
I had to talk to Andrew.
I closed my eyes and said a prayer. I had no idea what to say. The fact of the matter was, he hadn’t proposed. We hadn’t even talked about marriage or the future. Yes, we were exclusive, and I’d sort of planned on getting married—the way people plan on buying a new car. They know it’s going to happen, but there are a bunch of variables that have to come into place before they can even start test-driving.
Still, I loved him and he loved me. That meant something.
I curled up next to my dog, wishing she had more to offer than slobbery consolation.
I fell asleep with the letter in my hand.
I still hadn’t found a way to broach the subject of the future nor me leaving for a year—probably more—with Andrew. But we had a date scheduled, and I’d planned to pick him up.
I opted to leave Astrid behind. She gave me a look that could burn dog biscuits as I closed the door behind me. I think she knew I was headed to the farm, which was her new favorite playground.
“Yeah—you want to come, and I wish I could hide out at home.” I hurried to my car.
I pulled up to Grandpa’s house right as Andrew was pulling into the yard with the tractor. Sometimes they brought the John Deere up to clean out stalls and things. It wasn’t my favorite job, but it was made that much better by using a tractor instead of a shovel.
Part of me hoped he’d have to work tonight and I could put off the conversation for another day. Not that I had another day to give.
He drove the green John Deere into the barn and then came running out with a big smile on his face and his arms spread wide. He picked me up and spun me in the air. “Hello, beautiful!”
I placed my hands on either side of his face and kissed his smile.
“I missed you today, and I’ve been waiting for this moment all day long.”
Oh my gosh! He said the most wonderful things. My heart hurt just thinking about not hearing stuff like that from him every day.
He kissed me, and I grabbed on to his neck, never wanting this moment to end—because I knew what was coming.
He pulled away and I let him have enough space to talk. “What do you say I go shower up real quick, and then we can go over to your place and read some more?” No sooner had the words left his mouth than he ducked down to look closer at me. “Or we don’t have to read.” He waited for a minute, but I didn’t say anything. “What is wrong? What happened today?”
“I need to talk to you for a minute,” I said biting my thumbnail.
“Okay. Do you want to talk here or somewhere else?”
“I don’t want to slow your chores down.” I twisted my fingers together. “We can feed the animals while we talk.” That was good; then I could keep my hands busy and wouldn’t have to look directly at Andrew while we had this conversation. I didn’t know what I was going to say.
“Is everyone alright?” he asked as we walked to the barn. “Has someone died?”
The question might seem flippant to others, but in my line of work, it was a real possibility. “No, thankfully.” I mentally ran through my cases. “No. Everyone’s fine,” I assured us both.
Andrew grabbed a pitchfork and headed for the haystack.
I followed, twisting my hands together and going all the way back to where I’d started on this path. “Remember the 4th of July when you drove me home and we talked in the back of the truck?”
He nodded. Loading his pitchfork, he walked over to the first stall and pitched the hay into the feeder.
“Remember when I told you about my Scooby-Doo punching bag and how I always wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon?”
Andrew didn’t say anything. His body tightened up as if it was preparing for a tidal wave that was about to hit.
It was. And I was the one to throw it at him. I felt like dirt.
“Well, what you said that night inspired me.” I rushed on, afraid to stop now that I’d started. “You were right. I never really thought my way around my heart problem. I just kind of went into a ‘deer in the headlights mode’ and froze. But what you said got me thinking. Even though I can’t be a surgeon, it doesn't mean that I can’t treat the parts of the body that I’m fascinated with.”
“Don’t you do that already?” Andrew asked, staring ahead at hay as if he’d lost his place.
“Well, yeah, but this is different. I would be a specialist.” I didn’t wait for a reply; the words poured out of me now. “So the next day I got online and was looking at sports medicine fellowship programs. It wouldn’t have to be a full residency—my family practice residency would count—and then I would just do this extra fellowship training to get a job in sports medicine. The program is only a year. And I don’t know, it’s really tempting. It’s close to what I wanted as a kid, and school is all I have known for … like, forever. So I applied to some programs, and yesterday I found out that I got accepted.”
I could see the moment everything sank in. The year-long program. The schooling. The separation. His shoulders caved, and he set the pitchfork aside as he turned to face me. There was hurt in his eyes, tempered with the kindness that was his very being. “So you are leaving?” he whispered.
I bit my lip and nodded. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
He stepped toward me, and I moved toward him. “I said that wrong.” He gave himself a shake. “What I should have said was congratulations.” He tried to sound happy, but his body language said something else completely. “What program did you get into?”
“Duke University,” I said quietly. There wasn’t much space between us. Only about three feet. But it felt bigger—like Mississippi River wide.
“Wow, that is quite an accomplishment. When does it start?”
I swallow
ed hard. This was the kick in the pants. “Monday.”
“Next Monday?” Andrew croaked.
“I was on the waitlist, but I didn’t know it. I didn’t really think they’d accept me. My medical history …” I trailed off.
“How long is the program?” he asked, the pain written all over his face. “And what about your contract with the Health Service Corps?”
I heard more than his voiced question. He was asking if I was coming back. “Since I’m going back to school, they’ll hold my contract.” I paused. “And then I have to finish it after I’m done with the schooling.”
“Here? You’re coming back here?” He pointed at the ground.
“They might send me here if there is an opening. But since I’ll have specialized training at that point, to be honest, they will probably send me somewhere else.” My heart bled as the words left my mouth. I knew what this meant and could see Andrew’s heart crumbling just like mine. Grandpa was right. He did feel things very deeply.
“What about us?” Andrew asked as any sign of his normal happiness completely disappeared.
“You could come with me, Andrew.” I grabbed his hand and held it in mine, pulling it into my stomach.
“Harper, you and I both know I can’t do that. What would Grandpa and Aunt Meredith do? What about the farm? I tried the city life when I went to college. It strangled me. I was a frustrated mess.”
“What should I do?” I whispered. Treating ortho injuries was what I’d wanted to do since I was a kid. But now I was an adult, and some things had changed.
But Duke University for a medical program? How could I say no to that? If my classmates found out that I’d turned it down, they would call me crazy.
And I would let them, if Andrew would ask me to stay. If he promised me a future, one I’d never dreamed of before but now wanted. I’d never thought of myself as the motherly type, yet I’d pictured holding his baby in my arms and kissing the soft curls on her head.
I just needed some assurance that I wasn’t giving up a sure future in medicine for a pipe dream.
“I can’t tell you what to do,” Andrew answered. “You know what I want you to do. I love you and I always want to be with you.” He flashed his signature side grin. But that quickly faded. “This isn’t about what I want; this is about what you want. If I ask you to stay, then you’ll resent me for the rest of your life because I held you back from your dreams. If I tell you to go, then I’ll be pushing you away, and nothing could be further from the truth.” He slowly straightened up and pulled his hand out of mine. “Why don’t you go home and take Astrid for a walk or something? Study it out, and let me know what you choose.”
“We were going to ride together.” I motioned to the horses looking over their stall doors.
“It looks like a lot of things have changed. Good luck on whatever you decide.” With that parting shot, Andrew turned and walked towards the house—leaving me out in the barn, alone.
I glanced around. Dust danced in the fading sunlight. Hay littered the floor. The horses stared at me, wondering if they were going to go for a ride or get dinner.
I didn’t know.
As I turned and walked to my car, I felt like my heart had been ripped in two. Tears burned my eyes and then poured down my face.
He was right. He couldn’t make the decision for me. The choice was mine. The problem was, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore—the choice of my dream, or the choice of my heart.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Harper
Friday morning, I woke up to the sound of rain on the roof. “Perfect!” I grumbled as I made my way to the shower.
I’d made a decision last night … and started packing boxes.
I was going for the sure thing and leaving the gamble behind.
They say love is supposed to be the strongest emotion, but what they don’t tell you is that you can overthink everything. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, and I only had a few days to get everything in order.
After a shower that I couldn’t tell if it was hot or cold because I was numb all over, I put in a call to my supervisor at the Service Corps. They were elated about my new opportunity and started the paperwork to place my status on hold from active duty.
Now all I had to do was tell my friends, and Andrew.
I didn’t last long in the office before I spilled everything to Amy. She started crying, and I felt like the world’s biggest jerk.
“Don’t do that.” I wiped at my own tears. “You’ll make me cry.” We both laughed because I was already crying.
“Today’s your last day?” Amy almost yelled in disbelief.
“Yeah,” I said, not meeting her gaze.
She hugged me fiercely. “We’re keeping in touch. I don’t care how busy you are—and you’ll come to my house for Christmas. I insist.”
I nodded. “My parents are too far away anyway. I think they planned a cruise or something.” I still needed to call them.
“What did Andrew say?” she asked quietly.
I let out an exasperated sigh and vented to my friend. “You know him. He won’t tell me what he wants or push me either way. He said the decision is up to me.”
“He’s right,” Amy interjected before I could go any further. “This has to be your decision. You’re the one who has to live with the consequences.”
“But he’s living with them too.” I stared at the counter, only seeing the hurt on Andrew’s face.
Amy quickly stood up to go get the first patient and then turned around setting her basket of supplies on the counter in front of me. “Harper, Andrew might be too much of a gentleman to tell you his mind, but I am not. So here it goes. If this is really your dream, my friend, then you go and take it by the horns and live life for all it is worth.” She spoke loudly, moving her hands. “But I will tell you something else. At the end of the day, a job is still a job. There is more to life than school, work and logic. There is also peace, happiness, contentment, and love. So before you make a decision, you think long about what you really want. Because maybe getting POTS was God’s way of saying he wants you on a different path than orthopedic medicine. Remember, everything happens for a reason.”
Having said what was on her mind, Amy snatched up her basket and walked briskly down the hall.
I quickly ducked into my office with tears brimming in my eyes, making it difficult to see. “That is exactly the problem, I don’t know what I want.” Deep in my heart, I knew that if I did this program, there was no way I would end up back in Keokuk. I also knew that there was no taking Andrew out of Keokuk.
I sat down and took a couple of deep breaths. I could do this. Focus, Harper, focus. The logical side of my brain took over and walled out the emotions, stuffing them deep down inside me. I had done this before. I’d said goodbyes to people I cared about. It was a means to an end.
By the time Amy came to tell me the first patient was ready, I was calm and collected. No time for tears. “Thank you,” I replied, taking the chart. “I will be right there.”
The logical side of my brain stayed in control for the rest of the day. I saw the last of my patients and sent my acceptance letter to Duke.
Now all I had to do was tell Andrew that I’d decided to leave.
When I walked out to my car, he was waiting by the driver’s side door. He looked so good, it almost broke down the walls I’d so carefully constructed throughout the day. His hair was still wet from a shower, and his jeans were worn in all the right places.
“I was going to call,” he said. “But I knew you would be busy, and honestly, I’ve been afraid to hear what your decision is.”
The worry in his eyes about drove a stake through my heart, and all of my emotions surged against my walls, threatening disaster. “I accepted,” was all I could say. “I leave in the morning so I can be there in time to start the program.”
Andrew’s back stiffened. “All right, then. If that is what you really want, then good luck, Harper. I hope
you find what you are looking for.”
I tried to put my arms around him and tell him everything was going to be okay, but Andrew stopped me.
“I think it would be best if we didn’t.” He looked away. “I know how this ends, Harper. Let’s save ourselves a lot of heartache and frustration and just let this end here. Drive safe.”
He turned around and walked back to his Ford, squealing the tires against the pavement as he peeled out of the parking lot.
It sounded just like my heart shredding in two.
Andrew
I didn’t go back to Grandpa’s house after leaving Harper at the clinic. I couldn’t. I was too raw to talk about it all.
Besides, what was there to say? That I should have listened to my inner voice that warned me away from her in the first place? The one that told me no one ever stayed in Keokuk? Especially doctors. I’d seen my fair share of them run through the clinic. I didn’t know why I thought she would be different, or why I believed that what we had was enough to make her stay.
I drove aimlessly until I found myself on the same road for the third time, waving at Mr. Johnson as he watered his flowers. It was time to go over the river. I’d made some progress on my house, but it wasn’t close to done. I’d given that time to teaching Harper how to ride a horse, thinking it was as much of an investment in my future as the house would be.
I snorted.
My phone rang, and Aunt Meredith’s name flashed on the screen. I hit the speaker button and said hello.
“I’m about to put dinner on. Are you and Harper joining us?”
My throat closed off, and it took two swallows to be able to answer. “Not tonight.”
“Okay, I’ll put yours in the fridge for lunch tomorrow. Tell Harper I said hello.”
I didn’t have a comment for that. Obviously, word hadn’t gotten out to the farm yet. Maybe Aunt Meredith hadn’t gone into town today either. I wasn’t sure, but it was clear that she had no idea Harper was packing her car tonight. “Thanks. Bye.” I hung up before she could hear the strain in my voice.
Opposites Attract: His Country Doctor (The Journal of Medical Romances Book 1) Page 16